Today

It marked 7 months. I look at the calendar and just stare. Can it really be that long since I heard my Dylan laugh?

Today has been harder than I thought it would be. I woke up early to make rolls for a friend's mother's funeral luncheon. For some reason my dough never rose, so I had to end up buying rolls from the store. What is so frustrating is that I've made these rolls lots of time.

Then our Internet stopped working. The lady on the phone could barely speak English and was so annoying. Who knows when it will be fixed.

Then I went to the memorial. It was at the same church building where Dylan's funeral service was. It hit me like a ton of bricks walking in. I'm not sure why, seeing that it's where I go to church every Sunday. I could see fresh and clearly in my mind Dylan's casket. My heart broke more, if that's even possible. I'm emotionally drained and my eyes hurt from crying.

The high note of the day was my Dad's birthday. Trying to find a gift with a disorganized brain was hard, but I accomplished it.

We spent the evening with my dad and mom. We had a fun time. It ended with pizza. I've been craving it so that was a plus.

Now time to watch "Extreme Couponing". Hopefully I'll learn some new tricks.

It's been a long hard and emotional day.

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Thank you!!!

Our family would like to thank all of you that sent, emailed or dropped of letters for Dylan's stocking. We were so touched by the outpouring of service you all did. From secretly taking cookies to others, helping at a women's and children center, donating toys, helping a family move, singing at an assisted living center, donating supplies for kids in a hospital, taking the time to make gingerbread houses with all of the grandkids, helping others that had recent back surgery and instead of exchanging gifts with family members donating money to a trust fund for a family whose father was shot and killed, and many many more. We were impressed! I was surprised by some of the letters we got. Not by the act of service but by who sent letters, meaning they were very unexpected in a good way.

One little boy called the day he did his service, "Dylan Day". Kalen and I really liked that. We are hoping for an annual service "Dylan Day". We'll keep you posted for next year.

Our hearts were touched that people served others with Dylan on their minds. I'm so glad that he was remembered this holiday season by all your wonderful examples of service. Service is one of the greatest gifts we can give to those around us. We are true examples of our Savior Jesus Christ when we put other's needs before our own. We hope that as you served, you felt our Savior's love.

The past few days have been extremely difficult for our family. We miss Dylan. Lots of tears have been shed. It wasn't the same this morning with him not being here. Little things that made him laugh were hard as we didn't get to hear it this year. We decided to have a laugh for Dylan and used Kalen's two new massive Nerf guns for laughs. We had fun running around the house shooting each other.

Thank you again for helping this holiday be a little more bearable for us. You helped us by helping others. Seeing Dylan's stocking so full was wonderful.

We hope you all had a wonderful Christmas!

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Can't wait!!!!

Thank you to all of you that dropped off, mailed or emailed me "Dylan service letters". We look forward to reading them on Christmas. It means so much to us that people did various acts of service for others and were willing to share those experiences with us so we could put them in Dylan stocking. Thank you for the overwhelming response!


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From Ours to Yours

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

Dreams

I just had one if those awful dreams of not being able to find Dylan. I know parents have bad dreams about stuff happening to their kids. It must happen a lot because I'm constantly told I'm living a parent's worst nightmare. FYI - not the best thing to say to a parent whose child died.

I lay here crying. The minute I woke up my body instantly wanted to run into his room and check to make sure he was ok, but my mind and heart told a different story.

I miss my Dylan. I miss him more than words can describe. A lot of people keep saying to me that it must be especially hard right now because Christmas is coming. It is. It's not so much Christmas coming for me but time. I can't believe that 7 months ago I could have run into his room and would see him there. Where has the time gone? It's still a blur. It should be May in my world, not December.

I only way that I can try to explain how I'm feeling is that it is like a roller coaster ride. This one isn't enjoyable. I didn't wait in line for this one. I was just thrown on it without seeing the ride before hand. Right now I'm approaching the highest point of the ride, right where it's about to drop. Normally (before Dylan died) on a roller coaster I would be excited for the drop as I threw my hands in the air. Now I'm begging for the ride to stop and to go back up. I'm not ready for this drop. The weight of grief is heavy right now. Can he really be gone?? My heart wishes it wasn't true and that I could wake up from this nightmare.

I know I've said this a million times before but having your child die isn't something you "get over". It is with me everyday of my life now and will be till the day I die. I'm just trying to survive and make sense of how to function without my son in the next room, sleeping soundly in his bed.

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Ornaments

Thank you Meghan F. for these ornaments. Brianna loves her ornament!!






Thank you Christina S. for this cute ornament.



I feel loved that people thought of my sweet boy!!

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Dylan's Letters

Thank you to those that have sent cards for Dylan's stocking. (There is still time to do an act of service and get us your card.) The first ones came today. I cried and smiled at the same time. Thank you to those that have provided service to someone or others this holiday season. We can't wait to open the letters on Christmas morning.

If you want more info check the post I did on December 3rd.


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Just a thought

I saw this on another "angel's mom" blog. I had to share it.


When you loose your parents you are an orphan...
When you loose your spouse you are a widow...

But when you loose your child there are no words to describe it.

It's coming.....

The intense feeling of not being able to breathe seems to be looming. The tears flow more frequently. It's affecting all of us here. Today at school it happened to Brianna. I got an email from her teacher telling me of an incident that happened today. Her teacher started off by saying that she's never done what she did before today. They were in line getting ready to walk out of class and she heard 2 boys talking about someone crying. She quietly asked the boys who was crying and they said Brianna. So she walked down to her and asked what the matter was. With tears in her eyes she said, "I miss my brother". The 2 boys and her teacher gave her hugs and she smile and said that she was going to be okay. I'm grateful for those 2 boys in Brianna's class and her wonderful teacher. I'm sure sending Brianna the past 3 months of being in school would have been much harder if it wasn't for her wonderful teacher and great kids in her class.

A few nights ago, Kalen surprised me by asking me to please help him pick out some clothes of Dylan's that I wouldn't mind being cut up. He has asked my dear friend Kathy to make me a quilt with some of Dylan's clothes. Tears flowed heavily as I took each piece of his clothing out of his drawers and held them tight. It just seems like he'll be back and that he needs his clothes. My mind quickly raced back to each time he wore those clothes. By the time I made my way to the bin of his baby clothes I was sobbing while leaning over the side of his bed. I miss him more than words can express.

Brianna keeps asking when he's coming back. I think she's realizing that he's not coming back like he's on a trip of some sort. She still desperately pleads in her prayers to let Dylan come back safely and to give him a hug and a kiss and let him know how much we love and miss him. It breaks my heart every time.

My heart breaks as I sit in his room. Knowing that I can't keep it that way forever. Although my heart wants to, my mind says another. There is a constant struggle. The tears flow as I type this. I miss my boy. I miss hearing his laugh. we have 2 recordable ornaments on our tree. One has a picture of Dylan and the other one is a family picture. I recorded both of his laughs. Those that knew him, you know the one that was his whole body laugh and the other was the excited laugh. Can you hear it??? If you want a reminder just come listen to our ornaments:)

I can't believe that Christmas is a little over a week away. It will be so strange that morning. I can already feel it. It won't be the same not hearing him laugh as we open presents because of the tissue and wrapping paper. His stocking is still empty and it sucks.

My mind is all over the place today so trying to do this post is hard. I'm worried if Brianna's teacher liked her gifts, if the office staff enjoyed their toffee, how the heck am I going to make it through the "holidays", if I'm going to be needing an infant program and a "team" for this baby, if Isabella is really going to be the baby's name, if having the girls share a room is a selfish move on our part and if Brianna's holiday pajama party at school is going to turn out okay.

Before I forget, I want to thank all of you blog followers, whether we know each other well or not, for taking the time to read and comment on my posts. I know there are many out there that don't comment, but I want to thank you for taking the time to read about our family and what we are going through. There are a few of you that I still don't know who you are when you leave comments. Just so you know I appreciate your kind words:)

Till next time...........................

Getting Past Christmas.....Practical Tips for surviving December after the death of a loved one

I got this info at the memorial this past Sunday our family attended at the funeral home we used for Dylan. I found some of the ideas very helpful.

By Carlene Vester Eneroth

1. Buy a Christmas candle and light it each day through December.
One mother remembered, "Every time that candle was lit, the whole house seemed warmer. It was my daily, silent reminder of him and it made me feel so much better!"

2. Plan you shopping trips ahead of time or try creative alternatives.
Try shopping at a different mall or set of stores. Yes, the gifts are about the same but there aren't memories of shopping there with that special someone. Go early in the day, before bumping into all those merry shoppers. Make a specific shopping list and determine to stay within budget. In lieu of the malls, consider giving some of your loved one's treasured possessions as gifts......favorite books, cassettes, photography/art, tools, etc. Enclose a card explaining why this gift was chosen and maybe some of the background. Shopping by mail is also an option. Specialty catalogs are available for everything from sports equipment and clothes to calendars and household items. Perhaps you'd be most comfortable making out a check for each one on your list. Exchanges are not required with a check. It's always the right size and color!

3. Enlist the help of others in wrapping your gifts.
Many friends are only too happy to help, but need to be asked. You supply the paper, ribbon and tags. What if you don't have wrapping paper or can't bear to look over what you do have? Collect the colored comic pages from Sunday newspapers and use them as wrapping paper, attaching a pretty bow when you're done. Don't worry, this is the one year you can do a lot of strange things (like this) and people will accept it!

4. Consider changing your traditional family Christmas note.
Often, just putting your thoughts on paper takes more energy than you have. Other family members might add their thoughts this year. You may feel good getting to talk about your family tragedy. Feel free to include a picture or your loved one and a copy of the obituary. I did this, secretly hoping people would respond by return mail and comment on Greg's picture.

5. Give yourself permission to change family traditions.
Have you always hosted Christmas dinner? Are presents traditionally opened on Christmas Eve or on Christmas morning? Talk over possible changes with your family, asking for a new host/hostess this year. Switch time for presents. This may provide less painful memories. We often assume that Christmas means a big turkey dinner, yet many say their hardest holiday job is fixing the bird. Why? Someone special who use to help with that job or just "dug in" at mealtime is now missing. If you do the cooking, switch you main meal to ham, roast or chicken. I know one family who now serves prime rib for the holidays. It's also difficult to sit down at a decorated, food-laden feast, only to have your eye fall on the empty place now at your table. Instead of having this do you in for the day, turn your table into a buffet line. Set up TV trays for guests in the living room. Neighbors and friends would be delighted to loan you their trays if you don't have enough. Another option is making reservations out for dinner. Let someone else be the chef this year.

6.Try a new idea when you are ready to hang up Christmas stockings.
You want to hang them all up but feel a little strange about it. Tell your family that through December they each will have a note card and can use it to write a note to the person who is gone. These could be a few phrases or a whole paragraph, relating something funny that has happened, some accomplishment or how much that person is missed. Put each note in the stocking, deciding to either read these cards together on a special evening or just letting family take them our to read whenever they wish. The best plan is to make this a new family tradition by keeping the cards in the stocking from year to year . . . it becomes a mini-family diary!

7. Determine to do one special thing for someone else in December.
Decide who that will be and put the name on your calendar so you won't forget. Maybe you know someone who is hurting like you or a lonely neighbor who could use a short visit. Perhaps you could make cookies to give away (or buy them, when cooking is too much work), pick out a special card to send or take a plant to someone. One grieving family adopted a needy neighbor and spent three weeks gathering gifts and goodies to leave at their door on Christmas Eve. The season is a little easier when our eyes are focused, even for a brief time, on someone else.

8. Contribute to your favorite charity in your loved one's name.
You could choose the organization that helps the less fortunate through your local newspaper or youth organization or a church in your area. When writing the check, take time to jot down a note that introduces the one in whose memory the gift is given. It feels good to share this with special family members! One widow came up with a fantastic idea that combines the best of these plans. She went out and bought and entire outfit that would have fit her husband. She found classy jeans, a cowboy shirt, belt, socks and even underwear. Then she went home, baked his favorite cookies and put them in a small package, around which she packed the entire outfit. Wrapping it up, she left a note on it at her local homeless mission which said, Please give to a man size 33.

9. Pamper yourself this month.
Determine to buy yourself a present. It might be something you need or just an item you've always wanted. Stay within your budget as you shop. Have the store gift wrap it or enlist a friend's help to wrap it and surprise you with pretty paper and ribbon. Don't wait until the 25th to open it, but pick a particularly tough day and let the present be your reward for getting through it. This worked well for me. I had spotted a peach ski jacket while window shopping but couldn't think of a justified reason to buy it. However, working on Christmas Eve in a store with lots of happy last-minute shoppers exclaiming "Merry Christmas" was harder than I figured. Remembering the jacket, I thought, "Maybe I should treat myself today!" So I did. It felt good to put it on, thinking it's my surprise from Greg. Although I don't wear it much now, it still hangs in my closet as a silent reminder that I did make it through that first holiday.

10. Plan on taking time to cry.
It is normal to cry during the holidays. So many sights, places, aromas and sounds are instant memory-grabbers. Because it isn't healthy to hold back emotions, schedule tear times into your day. Pick a certain length of time to cry, ten minutes, maybe, or even an hour, whatever makes you comfortable. Play some old Christmas music that easily starts those tears (I'll Be Home For Christmas is guaranteed to do the job for me!) Set aside a clock or kitchen timer for your predetermined minutes and then cry your heart out. You'll find it easier to face whatever else is coming up in December when you've had your daily time for tears.

Holiday depression is common even when you aren't grieving. We hope these tips are helpful during the sometimes overwhelming Christmas season.

Copyright 1992
Revised 2004

Christmas Wish (updated)

So I've been racking my brain with ideas on how we can fill Dylan's stocking this year. I have to admit I'm not looking forward to it being empty. While I've been contemplating what we can do I remembered something I saw on another "angel mom's" blog. So, I'm asking you my fellow readers to help. This is what I'm asking you to do. Please send our family one or more act(s) of service that you and/or your family have participated in this holiday season. We will put these "service letters" in Dylan's stocking and will read them on Christmas morning.

If you would like to participate you can email me and I will email you our address.

****Update**** Some might be wondering what we would want in the letter, so here are some ideas. Just tell us about what you and/or your family did and the experience you had. Anything that you would like us to know:) If you do an act of service that's anonymous, please don't feel the need to tell us who it was for. Anonymous acts are fine too!!!!


Happy Holidays!!!!

An unexpected special gift

In the mail today was this ornament. I have no idea who sent it, but thank you. It's perfect!!! I was just telling a few people that I was on the hunt for boy angel ornaments. I wanted something to have year after year to remember Dylan.


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This made me chuckle

This Week.......

It's been one emotional roller coaster. Sunday marked the 6 month mark for the worst nightmare our family has experienced. Fast forward to today, we had our ultrasound appointment. We found out our newest addition will be a GIRL!!!!!! This is what I was secretly wanting. I don't think my heart was ready for another boy. I'm not saying I don't want a boy. Boys are great, but so soon after Dylan's death would be hard. Being pregnant is hard so soon after Dylan's death anyways.

Now I have to figure out how to change Dylan's room into a girl's room. I'm not ready to get rid of everything in there yet. That's one of the hard things about this pregnancy. His room has been his room ever since we found out we were having a boy in March 2003. I'm not even sure where to start. I know the baby won't care what her room is like for awhile, but I never want her to feel like there isn't a place for her in our home or hearts. I just need to feel like a part of Dylan is still here in that room. It was one of his favorite places in the house!!!! Any suggestions and help would be greatly appreciated.

I quickly wanted to publicly thank those that have recently listened quietly to me crying on the phone or in person, a card to let me know they were thinking of me and would be praying for me today, and for those that are still "around" and not forgetting. It means so much to me and feel grateful to know you and have the friendships I have. I am also thankful for prayer and that a loving Heavenly Father hears them and answers them according to his will. Today one of my prayers was answered.

6 Months

Really???? How have we made it? That's the thought that has been playing through my head all day. I keep looking at the calendar trying to figure out where the weeks have gone. Yes we've been living our lives, but at the same time our life is kinda stuck on "pause". That might not make the most sense, but that's the only way to explain it. Part of me keeps expecting to see Dylan coming up the walkway like when he use to be dropped off from the school bus a few years ago. It's weird how the brain works. I know that I won't be seeing him anytime soon, but I wish I could. It's hard not knowing when I'll see him again. How many years will it be?

There are some days that I look at his picture still and think to myself, he was real right? I know the answer is yes, but my heart can't process him not being here. Losing Dylan has been the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. Losing a child changes you in ways that I can't even try to explain.

This week for our family is full of emotions. It marks Dylan's passing and we find out if we are having a boy or girl. It's so weird to contemplate a new family member while one is no longer here.

I struggle on a daily basis. Simple things are still so hard to do. When will I be "normal"? I know that I will never be as I was before Dylan died. How can I? I've changed, I've grown, I've learn. Part of me wants to be able to be "on top of everything". Now it's just so draining. I want to be friendly but it takes so much energy putting on a "happy face". I mean really do you want to see me crying and puffy eyed? I didn't think so. I know it would make others feel uncomfortable.

Ever so slowly am I seeing that our new normal of Dylan not being here has become a part of us. It has affected how we do things, see things, live.

I miss the sound of Dylan's laugh when a motorcycle passes by, or the crinkling of a plastic bag when putting away groceries, or the sound of crinkling tissue paper when opening presents. Those things made us laugh. Now it's just heartbreaking.

I've come a long way with functioning. I'm not so overwhelmed when it comes to cleaning the house, doing laundry, fixing dinner. Some days those are still extremely hard to do. I know we all have days where we don't want to do those things, but it's different now for me. Believe it or not, I use to like doing those things. That sense of accomplishment and not having to worry if we had unexpected company. Now I hope that my house is presentable enough that others won't think we are slobs. I've been told that we aren't so that's good!

Most of those that know me, know that I love coupons. It's been nerve racking going to the store on most occasions without them for the past 6 months. Just the thought of cutting, organizing, rotating, finding the deals was so overwhelming. Who would have thought? It goes back, to my comment about how losing a child changes you. I lived for a "good deal" or how much I saved. Now, as long as there is food in the fridge we're good.

My dear friend, Stacie, who probably will be my best friend till the day I die, just keeps reminding me to be patient with myself. It's so hard. I know how I was before Dylan died. It's so frustrating. I still get annoyed at the question, "how are you?". I'm not sure if that will ever change. It's most annoying when asked with a cheery tone from someone that knows Dylan died. I mean really, how do you think I am. I'm surviving. That means putting one foot in front of the other just to get my child to school, fed and clothed. It means that Kalen and I are fine now just doing nothing. It means my heart is broken. Will it heal? I know it will, but what I think others fail to realize is that it will never go away. I've been told that it won't be so consuming, meaning that there will be less occasions where the weight is so heavy it's hard to breathe. It doesn't mean I've forgotten. Please don't think that's what it means. My son died and it's now a part of me. It's not a part of me that I like. I'm not sure how I'll work on making it a part that I do.

I'm grateful for Dylan and the lessons he taught me. I don't think I would have learned that Velcro could be so funny or that "fart" sounds can take your breath away due to laughing so hard. Those are just a few of the funny things that I miss about Dylan.

To Dylan, I will be eternally grateful. You've thought me so much in your 6 years, 10 months, and 4 days here on earth. I know that through this separation, I will learn more. I'm not liking that fact right now. I liked how things were before. I knew what to expect. Now I feel like I'm in a while new world without a road map. I look forward to the day that we won't be separated. I hope you are laughing and smiling. I love you Bubba, my chunky monkey!

Love,
Mommy

Thanksgiving

It was very different this year. I normally host at our house because it was just easier having all of Dylan's supplies here at home. I just couldn't do it this year. It was too overwhelming. We decided to go to Kalen's parents first and then to my parents. Two thanksgivings was a lot for us. We were emotionally drained by the time we got home and all of us instantly fell asleep.

Before heading out to Kalen's parent's house we went to the cemetery. I cried. Brianna cried. Kalen cried. It seemed really unfair that day more so than others.It was a hard day to be there, but we wanted to go. It seemed appropriate. We were gonna release 3 balloons but the helium went out of the balloons overnight. Nothing seems to go as planned this year for our family.

My brother's family left notes for Dylan a few weeks ago by Dylan's headstone. It was so sweet. I'm grateful that they haven't forgotten him. I can't describe the feeling of knowing that people take the time to go to the cemetery and visit Dylan's place there. It's very appreciated.


We miss Dylan. Kalen and I had expected Dylan to be with us for years, many more years. I basically cried from here to Marysville.

We put on our best faces, but we were heart broken inside. On such a day, that we should be grateful it was hard. We are grateful for Kalen's job, our home, our health, the knowledge that we will be able to be with Dylan again someday, the new baby on the way, and our extended family members.

It was so different not hearing Dylan's laugh or having him there with us that day or any day for that matter. At my parent's house, Dylan's place card was set at the kids table. My niece, MaryEllen, noticed and was glad that Dylan's name was there.

Tomorrow marks 6 months of that dreadful morning of finding Dylan unresponsive in his bed. I wish I could change it more than anything.

We miss you Dylan. We love you Dylan. We hope you are laughing.........

It's here

That horrible feeling of not being able to breathe is back. I can't stop crying. As I lay here trying to fall asleep my mind is racing. I'm trying ever so desperately to remember what life was like 6 months ago. It's so foreign to me. What I would give to just see Dylan and hold him, sing to him, touch him, feel the warmth of his hands. That "cold" feeling is one the worst things I've ever had to experience. It seems so unfair that he was here one minute and gone the next. The pain that I feel is unbearable at times. The giant, gapping whole in my heart has seemed to reopen. While I know it will never fully heal, times like right now are extremely difficult. My heart is breaking all over again. I keep thinking was there more that we could have done? Why didn't I rock him when I got up with him that morning when he seemed fine? Why did he have to go? Being that it "was his time" doesn't make it any less difficult. Oh the questions I have. I know that one day I will find the answers my heart desires, but it's so difficult waiting.
I watched a few videos of him laughing today on my phone. I miss it. The world is a lot less brighter to me without Dylan here with his laugh and smile. I want Dylan to be remembered. It's so hard. People who meet us now have no idea of the awesome kid that once was here as a part of out family. They don't know that my heart is aching. I so desperately want people to know. Will you remember him? Please do. He is such a great kid.


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Tears

The tears are flowing a lot this evening. I miss Dylan. Brianna misses Dylan. Kalen misses Dylan. Brianna asked that I rock her and sing her a song. She was having a hard time going to sleep. The song she asked me to sing was one of Dylan's favorites. I could barely sing all three verses. Here are the lyrics:

I am a child of God,
And he has sent me here,
Has given me an earthly home
With parents kind and dear.


Chorus
Lead me, guide me, walk beside me,
Help me find the way.
Teach me all that I must do
To live with him someday.


I am a child of God,
And so my needs are great;
Help me to understand his words
Before it grows too late.
Chorus


I am a child of God.
Rich blessings are in store;
If I but learn to do his will
I'll live with him once more.
Chorus


I am a child of God.
His promises are sure;
Celestial glory shall be mine
If I can but endure.
Chorus

As we sat in Dylan's room, where the rocking chair still sits, I could hardly keep myself together. I remembered as clear as day what it was like to rock him. I miss that. I miss Dylan. I miss my sweet, sweet boy. I am so worried that I am going to have memories start to fade. I WANT to remember everything!!!! So as I sat there, I thought about what it was like to rock Dylan while at the same time trying to create and keep that memory of rocking Brianna. I'm glad our brains can do multiple things at one time.

MIA

I know I've been missing in action for a few weeks. I've been sick with a horrible cold and since I'm pregnant can't really take anything to help.

So many things have been on my mind lately. Since this is November, and Thanksgiving is right around the corner, there seems to be a sense of "gratitude" in the air. This is a hard topic for me. I've been thinking about what I am grateful for. It's hard. My list seems so short compared to others. I guess it's a natural thing for families who are grieving the loss of someone. I couldn't bring myself to post something everyday about what I am grateful for. It's not that I'm ungrateful, it's that I'm just.......who knows. Not sure what the word or words would be. So let me begin my list. Please don't think that I'm ungrateful, that is not the case.

1. My family
2. The gospel of Jesus Christ
3. This pregnancy
4. My home
5. Brianna's school and teacher
6. My ability to run even if it's only for 10 mins and being 4 1/2 months pregnant
7. My friends
8. Kalen's job
9. Those that haven't forgotten Dylan and share their memories and thoughts whether they be happy or sad
10. The occasional meals that are still brought
11. Those that have stuck around during all of this craziness
12. Stacie showing up to clean my floors and bathroom unexpectedly. (She's lucky because I was on an important phone call)

I know I'm missing things but my mind is always all over the place. I'm still not use to that. It amazes me how grief affects every aspect of my life. I've learned that there are some that still don't understand that I am different than I was 24 weeks ago. Wow...that really says 24. Can it really be that long since Dylan was here? In those weeks, I've only dreamed about him once. it was nothing profound, but it was what I needed. It was just like any day that he was here. Oh how I wish I could have that back. I'm sure there are those that can't fathom someone missing feeding tubes, therapy appointments, the daily schedule, quarterly dr appointments, reflux, medicine, and all the things that come along with raising and caring for Dylan. I had someone make the comment to me the other day that someone had told them that they couldn't understand how I felt my identity had been taken with Dylan's passing. Yes I'm still a special needs mom but the every day tasks that were my life and our family's life are gone.

I struggle daily seeing Dylan's empty room. Everything is like it has been frozen in time. There haven't been anymore dirty clothes added to his clothes hamper, the same sheets are on his bed, his closet is full of his winter clothes. I still have moments when I think he's in there when the door is closed. Then the pain floods back fast as I realize he isn't in there. It's hard to go into his room. I thought that it might get easier going in there, but it isn't. It's extremely hard. I see his empty wheelchair that sits in his room unless Brianna wants a ride around the house in it. I know when people look at Brianna she seems fine, but what they fail to realize is that she isn't. There are moments of tears and questions about why Dylan had to die, or why his brain stopped working. She tells everyone she meets, whether we're at Target, her jog-a-thon, grocery store, that her brother died. They look at her and then at me to see my reaction and then I have to confirm that it's true. Then she proceeds to tell them how he died. I wish I had her ability to be so open with others. But I've learned that not everything needs to be shared. I really still want a shirt that says, "My son, asked me about him". I want and need people to know that there is an amazing person missing from our family right now, who could make anyone laugh. I miss his toothless grin. I miss how he held his hands. I miss everything.

Grief comes in waves. It hits unexpectedly and can be triggered by anything. Thank you to those that still talk to me about him. It makes him feel still present. I hate having to talking about him in the past tense. It sucks!!!!

Coping and Managing Grief during the Holidays

Brianna's art therapist gave this handout to us. Thought I would share it.........

"The upcoming holiday season can be a challenging and difficult time for grieving children and their families. Grief can be a life altering experience and both adults and children can be vulnerable to the stress and social expectations that the holidays bring. The following suggestions come from bereaved children, adolescents, and their families. Follow you intuition and utilize those that will help you better cope with the demands of the next few months, allowing you and your family to experience a meaningful holiday season.

1. PACE YOURSELF:
Grieving people often describe physical fatigue and low motivation for activity, so choose the most important holiday traditions that still give meaning and comfort to your family. Take care of yourself and your children. Get good rest, eat healthily, exercise and resist the temptation to be caught up in a hectic schedule of meaningless activities. Talk to your child and teens; find our what holiday celebrations they really enjoy. Be selective!

2. MAKE A PLAN:
Look ahead to where, how and with whom you will spend your family holidays. It's okay to create some new traditions, i.e. taking a trip to a special setting and celebrating away from home. Do something that your deceased loved one really enjoyed and openly acknowledge that this ritual is in memory of her/him. You may want to send cards early, enclosing the funeral/memorial service program so that others are informed of your loss. It's also okay not to send cards!

3. BE OPEN TO SUPPORT:
Allow others to help you with the holiday duties. Tell your relatives and friends that this is a stressful time for you and enlist their help with decorating, cooking, and taking the children on holiday outings. Delegate, "divide and conquer" all that needs to be done so that you do not feel the whole burden of creating a picture perfect holiday for those you love.

4. EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS:
Make time to sit down with your children and teens and talk about what they will miss most about the absence of their loved one during this special time in your family life. It is normal to experience "grief triggers" during the holidays, where hearing a song, or smelling a certain food brings a rush of memories and emotions about the deceased. Don't be afraid of the sadness, longing, emptiness, and even anger that may need to be verbalized. Remember, it takes much more energy to hold back grief memories and feelings than it does to own and express them. Sharing your concerns, feelings, and apprehensions as the holidays approach with a trusted friend can be amazingly freeing and therapeutic!

5. BE CREATIVE WITH YOUR CHILDREN:
Art making, writing, music, play -all these activities are healing for the heart and soul. Engage in drawing pictures with your children of their favorite holiday memory with the deceased. Make a special ornament to hang on the tree or doorway. Write a holiday letter to the deceased and place it in a meaningful spot in your home, i.e. wrapped as a present under the tree or rolled up and tied with a ribbon next to a beloved photo of the deceased. Create a "gratitude bowl", writing down on slips of colorful paper all the memories about your deceased loved one for which you will always be thankful. Incorporate the bowl as a centerpiece at your holiday table and take time for each family member to choose a paper and read out loud the treasured memory.

Remember parents; you do not have to be, or more importantly give all things to your children. Simplify and know that it is okay to have fun even though you are grieving this important person!

Costume and Pumpkin Carving

How old is too old

So tonight we went to a trunk or treat. It was crazy. I was amazed at how many teenagers, newborns and adults that were participating trying to get candy. So I pose this question to you, how old is to old to trick or treat and how young is too young? I mean really an infant who can't even eat solids isn't going to be eating candy. I also couldn't believe how rude some of the kids were. Man things have changed since I last went trick or treating. I never would have said to the person handing out the candy, I don't like that kind of candy I want something else. Really??? What are or should I say aren't the parents teaching their kids. This is my rant for the day!!!

Cry me a river

Today is really really hard. Today I've cried so much and it's only 9:58am. I miss Dylan. I miss seeing his smile. I so desperately miss holding him and singing his favorite songs. I miss the normal daily things. Feeding tubes, formula, therapy appointments, his therapists, my support system, making "raspberry sounds", tickling him, his vocalizations, having to change his clothes multiple times a day. I miss the normalcy of what our life was like. There is no road map or step by step directions on how to do this. I feel as if I'm in a foreign place. I don't like this foreign place. Our family doesn't like this foreign place. Even when the new normal maybe begins to feel a tinge of normal it still won't be normal. Everyday a member of our family is missing. He isn't physically here. I can't stroke his hair or brush his teeth. I can't see the excitement on Dylan's face, that happened everyday when Kalen got home.

Thank you Stacie for being there for me to today.

Here's are few poems I found that much more eloquently describe how I am feeling:

We thought of you with love today,
but that is nothing new.
We thought about you yesterday,
and days before that too.
We think of you in silence,
we often speak your name.
All we have are memories,
and your picture in a frame.
Your memory is our keepsake,
with which we will never part.
God has you in His keeping,
we have you in our hearts.
A million times we`ve wanted you.
A million times we cried.
If love could only have saved you,
you never would have died.
It broke our hearts to lose you.
But you didn`t go alone.
For a part of us went with you...
the day God called you Home.
- Author Unknown

(Of course in our case where it says she read it as the word "he")
Go ahead and mention my child,
The one who died you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further,
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending she didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that she has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine."
But healing is something ongoing.
I feel it will take a lifetime.
- Elizabeth Dent

My Grief is Like a River
My grief is like a river
I have to let it flow,
But I myself determine
Just where the banks will go.

Some days the current takes me
In waves of guilt and pain,
But there are always quiet pools
Where I can rest again.

I crash on rocks of anger--
My faith seems faint indeed,
But there are other swimmers
Who know that what I need

Are loving hands to hold me
When the waters are too swift,
And someone kind to listen
When I just seem to drift.

Grief's river is a process
Of relinquishing the past.
By swimming in Hope's channels
I'll reach the shore at last.
- Author Unknown

It's just one of those days

The grief is heavy this evening. I think it's because it's the evening before the 5 month mark of Dylan heading to the hospital. Subconsciously I wonder if our bodies and hearts know. Brianna acted out right before bed. I've been crying as Kalen and I talk about Dylan and how it's so strange (that doesn't even closely describe how it is) without Dylan here. That suffocating feeling is back at the moment. It's difficult to breathe and the weight that I feel is so heavy. How do we move forward? This has changed us. I'm a different person than 21 weeks ago. It's funny in a way how some people expect us to be the way we were 5 months ago. That we should be "over" it. There is no timeline to grief. It might hide itself for a minute, hour or day, but believe me it comes back and it comes back hard.

I hung out with some of my "special needs" moms group last week. It was very much needed. It was interesting because they said that when I write, my posts speak to them. I laughed because I feel like my posts are so discombobulated and disorganized. I'm glad that someone understands what I'm writing and takes something from it to help them be better. Whether it be a better mom, appreciate the small things, stop to help someone, put differences aside, be more forgiving, more patient, etc, that I'm glad I can help with.

It's been interesting some of the feedback I've received from a few. I guess a few don't realize that we are trying to live our life. For me that means getting up before Brianna to wake her up, get her fed, drive her to and from school, volunteer in her class, help with coaching her soccer team, try to maintain a "normal" household, fix meals, etc. If only the cleaning would take of it's self. It's so hard not being able to be "on top of things". Believe me I try. I try hard. It is extremely difficult to do the "daily household things". If I can get my family's laundry done then we are good. I'm proud of myself and Kalen that we get out of bed and go about our day, even though we would rather be in bed. I am grateful for Brianna. I am grateful that our loving Heavenly Father blessed us with her in our family. I'm grateful that she got to know Dylan. I struggle with the fact that this baby won't know Dylan here like we did. We are going to try our best to let him or her know about their big brother and how awesome and special he is to us. Brianna is excited for that responsibility. She as already told me some of the things that she is going to say. I'm grateful for Dylan. I love him so much and that's why this is so extremely hard. At times we think it's so unfair that he had to go but then we quickly think of all the times we might have lost him earlier in his life. We are glad that we got him for almost 7 years. Those 6 years, 10 months and 4 days can never be taken away. That I'm glad for. He made me a better mom, a better person, less judgmental of others, more patient, more kind, learned how to function on 4 hours of sleep (not in one stretch for 5+ years), learned how to appreciate my back hurting from lifting him, those quiet times when I got to rock him and just sing and rock him in my arms.

Because of Dylan we know so many great people, from doctors to therapists to friends. We are grateful for those relationships. Dylan made the world a brighter place for us and our family. It has been a little darker without his laugh and smile, but those have been imprinted in our minds and hearts.

Are you curious???

So I've been getting "the" look. You know the one where you are staring at someone to figure out if they are pregnant. Well, I am 14 and 1/2 weeks. We've debated announcing this for so many reasons. Let me share a few things........

1. This is something that was have wanted for a very long time, 2 1/2 years to be exact.
2. We are not trying to replace Dylan. He is irreplaceable.
3. Just congratulate us and please don't read into this pregnancy.
4. Please don't ask me if I'm excited. This is bittersweet for our family.
5. Brianna is really excited and really wants a sister.
6. No, I don't know what I am going to do with Dylan's things or his room. We asked Brianna if she wanted to make his room her's but at the moment she hasn't been to keen on the idea.
7. I have been so nauseated and tired for the past few months.
8. I'm sorry if I didn't tell you in person.
9. I'm just starting to have to wear maternity clothes. Elastic waistband oh how I love you.
10. our family will be so different in April 2011 than it is now
11. We are anxious to meet the newest member of our family.
12. For those of you that we told, thank you for keeping our news a secret until we were ready to let the world know. We appreciate it!

It's fixed

after hours and hours that I didn't have today I figured it out. It's back to "normal".

My blog layout is messed up and I didn't make any changes. Any ideas anyone? My sidebar is at the bottom of my blog but yet in the layout it shows it on the side. Strange. Help!!!!

First Day....better late than never

Here is B on the first day of school. She was so excited to be finally starting kindergarten. Kalen and I both took her to her first day of school. We LOVE to teacher and school. She knew one girl in her class before school started so that made the first day go more smoothly. She is sill worried that she will be alone at school. Her teacher thinks she means that she misses her brother.........

Overall she has adjusted well. She was student of the month for September. The theme was being prepared. I told her teacher we try. She said that B is always ready to learn, listens intently, takes initiative, and a few other things that I can't remember. We are so proud of Brianna. We love you!!!!!

Needs some ideas????

Since I'm lacking in the creative department right now, I'm turning to my blog readers. Here are two things I need help with:

1. I need some good "theme" ideas for our family to dress up for the Trunk or Treat activity we will be attending.

2. I also need some ideas on what would be a good "team parent" appreciation gift.

Any ideas from my blog readers would be great!!! I know a ton of you are way creative!!!

Just Pictures

All these pictures have been sitting here as a draft. These were just some of the happenings of the summer for our family. Hanging out, a trip to the zoo, a trip to the jelly belly factory, building of a new side fence, starting soccer, Brianna's 5th birthday, and visit to Grandma and Grandpa Bjurstrom's new home.

Not sure what to title this

I get the feeling that people feel they know me better than they really do. That came from the words of a close friend today. It made a TON of sense. Thank you Christine!!!! Maybe it's because I share my thoughts with the "world" It's been quite an interesting week. It marked another "anniversary".

I feel the need, maybe it's a want, to clarify a few things. Here we go. I have to first say, that if you are not going to be supportive then please don't leave a comment. Like my sweet sister in law, Lori said in a text to me, "Your blog is for you to express your feelings in whatever is going on in your life. If someone else thinks you complain too much they can go read another blog that's all sunshine and lollipops."

My Husband left me a note reminding me of something, quote, "I love you, have a good day, just REMEMBER you are entitled to feel however YOU WANT to feel, no matter what anyone else does or says to you." He reminded me that he experiences and feels a lot of the same things that I do and no one else really can, unless they raised and lost Dylan.....He does not know what it is like to be a mother losing a son, like I don't know what it is like for him as a father to lose his son....Just as I am sure that we (Kalen and I) can't know what it is like for Brianna to lose her only brother, someone that helped shape and influence her entire (almost) life up to this point. All important things I don't think other people have even thought to even try and understand up to this point....

There have been just a select few that have made grief even harder, while at the same time there are those that have helped me and the rest of my family carry our burden of grief. So here we go. Here are the lessons or things I have learned or just how it is:

1. I'm not mad everyday.
2. Dylan is the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the last thought before I drift off to sleep.
3. My testimony of Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father has not faltered. I know that they have carried me and my other family members for the past 18 weeks.
4. Everyone grieves differently
5. Somedays we laugh and for a moment don't feel the guilt that comes with it.
6. People are people and will say what they feel they think I need. What a few fail to realize is that half the time we (Kalen, Brianna and I) don't even know what we need.
7. The place I am in my grief is that, it is not helpful to tell me that Dylan is "in a better place". What was wrong with him being here????
8. I have been extremely forgiving of people for what they say and have numerous times bit my tongue so I don't lash out.
9. For the most part, people are kind and try to understand and I appreciate it.
10. A listening ear is much more appreciated than an open mouth
11. I am aware of other's trials and burdens. Don't think for a minute that I'm so consumed with my grief or myself that I fail to recognize others or their feelings. But let's take a step back, you want to trade (didn't think so...)
12. Grief of losing a child is not going to go away, ever. It will always be with me. it lessens and increases on various days.
13. I have always strive to be friends with everyone. Just because we don't hang out, or talk on the phone everyday doesn't mean that I don't care. I do. It's just extremely hard for me to initiate at the moment. If you need something from me you are going to have to ask. I know that is not ideal, but oh well sometimes life is not ideal.
14. I don't like how I feel everyday. It's hard.
15. This grief isn't something I can choose to turn on and off. I can choose how I am going to handle it and if you know me well then you probably are thinking that I am doing well. But that's still up for debate.
16. I don't sit here all day sorrowful, weeping, complaining. I am learning to live my life that drastically changed.
17. I know that not everyone will understand. Believe me, I've been on the other end. I've watched 2 friends lose their children. I remember I wanted to take their pain away.
18. People don't have censors, life isn't like tv.
19. It's okay to be weepy at times
20. Crying is sometimes a good thing
21. Empathy is a trait that I hope to master
22. I say more prayers than I ever have
23. We have grown smaller but stronger as a family.
24. I dread being asked the common question we all ask, "how many kids do you have?"
25. Simple daily tasks are hard for me to do, but I'm trying and that's what's important.


That's it for now:)

Some good ideas

I got this from a video from Brianna's Art Therapist. She had her first group session last night and it went well. It was amazing at the amount of grief that filled a small room at Sutter. Brianna is the only child in her group that has lost a sibling. My heart aches for the 3 families that lost their dads. One of the families had a very young infant. I can only imagine what that would be like for the wife and her children. I am looking forward to the next 5 months that Brianna will be with this group.

Here's some ideas that I got from a video they gave us. It's from Sesame Street. They have a ton of stuff on grief. Just thought I'd share.

Sharing Memories and Moving Forward

At some point you may notice that you and your family are taking “grief breaks,” or moments when you forget your sadness. Slowly, a new family story will begin to emerge through your family’s ups and downs. Give yourself and your children permission to feel happy again. Be assured that the memory of your loved one can live on in the hearts of your family. Celebrating your loved one’s life and important place in the family can be a meaningful way to begin to move forward. Here are a few ideas:

•Plan with your child a smaller memorial gathering for close friends and family. Allow everyone to share memories and stories. It’s OK to share funny memories and laughter, too!

•Listen to or sing a favorite song or eat a favorite meal dedicated to the memory of your loved one.

•Gather pictures, clothes, or favorite things of your loved one. Then take turns telling stories or writing about each item to remind all of you of the good times you shared. You could also record stories on your video camera or cell phone. Try downloading the “Memory Chain” and, as family, create a handmade remembrance of your loved one.

Lyrics

These are song lyrics that Kalen asked me to post about he is feeling. He highlighted the parts that are most meaningful or touching to him. (I've never heard of this song so I have no idea how it goes)


House full of roses
A letter on the stairs
A tape full of messages for anyone who cares
Collage of broken words
And stories full of tears
Remembering your life
Cause we wish that you were here

Nothing is harder
Than to wake up all alone
Realize it's not okay
It's the end of all you know
Time keeps passing by
But it seems I'm frozen still
Scars are left behind
But some too deep to feel

And some say this can't be real
And I've lost my power to feel, tonight
We're all just victims of a crime

When all is gone and can't be regained
We can't seem to shelter the pain inside
We're all just victims of a crime

Somedays you'll find me
In a place I like to go
Ask questions to myself
Bout the thing I'll never know
What's left to find
Cause I need a little more
I need a little time
Can we even up the score?

And some say this can't be real
And I've lost my power to feel, tonight
We're all just victims of a crime

When all is gone and can't be regained
We can't seem to shelter the pain inside
We're all just victims of a crime

And nothing lasts forever
For all good things it's true
I'd rather trade it all
While somehow saving you
It must have been the season
That threw us out of line
Once I stood so tall
Now I'm searching for a sign

So don't need your salvation
With promises unkind
And all the speculations
Save it for another time

Cause we all need a reason
A reason just to stay
And Some just can't be bothered
To stick around another day

And some say this can't be real
And I've lost my power to feel, tonight
We've all just victims of a crime

When all is gone and can't be regained
We can't seem to shelter the pain inside
We've all been victims of a crime
Victims of a crime
Living with this crime

I'm missing you

A beautiful song....take a listen

I found this on another "angel mom's" blog. I felt the words were singing to my soul. My grief is so fresh, and raw. I look forward to the day when our Savior will return and our family will be all reunited and we will all be together. I look forward to that day.............

4 months

It's literally has been 4 months since Dylan was legally pronounced "brain dead". I vaguely remember collapsing to the hospital floor and having those around us help pick me up. Many since that day have "helped" to try and pick me up.

I have so many thoughts going through my head today. The first and foremost is that I am so grateful that I was chosen to be Dylan's mom. He is such a great kid. Those that didn't get to know him missed out on so much. He was so much more than a little boy that couldn't communicate like"typical" people do. He had the best personality, smile, and laugh. I miss seeing and hearing those things so much.

I remember after Dylan was born that his cruddy neurologist had told me that seizures would be something I'd get use to. I thought he was crazy. In time I realized what he meant. I would get use to them in some strange sense, they weren't as emotionally draining as they were in the beginning. I came to understand what came after Dylan had a seizure and what to do. I was prepared. People have said the rudest things since Dylan has died. I will not repeat them, as they make me angry, but Dylan's death is nothing that our family will get use to or over. A part of our family is missing and is not here. For me that was no preparing for Dylan's death. There is nothing normal about him not being physically here.

I was reminded the other day, about my great grandma and great grandpa who lost their son to foul play. His body was never found. There wasn't a place that they could visit or take flowers. I can't imagine not knowing where Dylan's body is. I at least have that. Every time I go to the cemetery I want to dig him up and bring him home. Yes, I know to some of you now think I have lost my mind, but you haven't buried a child so you have NO idea what that feels like.

I don't want this to be a complete downer, but that's where I am in my grief. I think I am finally feeling the "anger". It's not at my Heavenly Father. It's at people. The things they say, don't do or do. Honestly do you think I want to bare my soul and heartache to you when there is judgement or an attempt to understand, meaning you THINK you get what I'm feeling. If you haven't lost a child you DO NOT KNOW OR UNDERSTAND how I feel. It is impossible for you to do so. Whether it be your parent, sibling or friend, unless you have suffered the loss of a child you don't get it. Please do not tell me you do. It is SO ANNOYING!!!

I'm sure some of you have tried to imagine what your life would be like without your child, but you are lucky because you can still see, smell, and touch them. Where I can not. I had two friends that had a child pass away and I remember trying to imagine what it would be like if Dylan or Brianna were no longer here in this life. Let me tell you, the pain I thought I would feel is NOTHING close to what I thought it would be like. For me, my daily life is different. I NO longer plan my day around feedings, therapy, and who is coming to my house. Life as I knew it no longer exists. Try to imagine waking up one morning and having everything and everyone you knew on a daily basis gone. Doesn't feel good, huh? I am lost. I have no motivation to do anything. My poor family has thrown together meals. I think the strangest part in all of this is that people seriously think that we should be "normal" again. Really so soon? My child died!!!! Some seem to forget that.

Till we meet again Dylan.....I'm trying to wait ever so patiently................

Can you hear.......

me screaming????? My heart is aching.


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It's so heavy

This burden of grief that I carry everyday is so incredibly hard. I miss Dylan so much. I know people don't get what I am going through. I've come to the conclusion that unless you have lost a child, you will no idea about the amount of pain I am feeling, the emotions that I feel, or what it's like. Please quit trying to "analyze" me.

Those that have a child or children alive are able to still see, smell, touch, hug and kiss them. Me on the other hand, he is buried in the ground. I can't see him. I can't stroke his hair. I can't smell his stinky feet. I can't see his smile. I can't hear his laugh. The cold hard truth is that my son is died. Each day is so hard. I can't accomplish the simplest of tasks. I'm so disorganized. I have nothing to do. I HATE this!!! My world is so different. Brianna is at school right now, and my heart is missing both of my kids right now. With Brianna I at least get to see her in an hour. With Dylan, not knowing when we will be reunited is so unbearable. I can't write him letters, emails or talk on the phone. Oh how I long to see his sweet face and put my arms around him.

Breaking

My heart is shattered. I miss Dylan so much today. Another week has gone by. I haven't blogged much. I really haven't done much of anything. I'm in a place where very few people can understand. I HATE this. I just wish he didn't have to go. There was so much we had planned. Our family is so different now. Where is my peace today????

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3 Months

It's so surreal that 3 months ago at this time, Kalen and I were home with the first wave of visitors coming after Dylan died. 3 months have gone by. Where has it gone? I can't believe it's been that long since I've got to see Dylan, to physically touch him, smell him, hug him.

The pain is so unbearable. I'm so conflicted sometimes. I wish I could be with Dylan but I know that Brianna needs me here to be her mom. I feel that there aren't words to fully describe what our family is going through. I feel like it's one of those experiences, you have to go through to fully understand and grasp the depth of our sorrow and pain. Of course I would never want anyone to have to go through what we are going through.

I miss my Dylan, my sweet boy.

Today has been a hard day. Brianna turns 5 tomorrow. I always envisioned Dylan being here. My dreams and plans are gone.

It's that time of year that I normally do their yearly photos. I'm dreading taking Brianna to get them done. There will be no brother/sister photo. Dylan is frozen in time on our walls while Brianna keeps growing. Dylan will always be 6 years, 10 months, and 4 days in this earthly life. I'm not looking forward to the day that Brianna passes the age Dylan was when he died.

I remember trying to fathom the future after Dylan died and what it would be like. I remember thinking that we had so much time before Brianna started kindergarten. She starts next week. I thought we'd have a routine in place by now. There is no routine. My friend Stacie has told me to be patient with myself. I don't like this new self. Disorganized, forgetful, sad, fearful of everything, and so many more things. Those that know me well, know that I was super organized before Dylan died. I had to be that way. It now takes so much energy just to get up and get going in the morning, being organized is on the back burner. I'm a different person than I was 13 weeks ago.

I haven't been able to dream of Dylan and it's makes this so hard. Kalen has been able to have vivid dreams of him. I just want to see him and hear his laugh. I'm not exactly sure why I can't dream of him. He was a constant in my life. My life revolved around him. My hope is that one night soon I'll be able to see him in a dream. I don't want him to be forgotten. Please don't forget him!

Ugh!!!!!

Today has been one of those days where most everything is hard, annoying or seem to be just plain dumb.

Brianna has been super needy today. Brianna had tons of meltdowns. I just wanted to get in the car and drive somewhere. Anywhere would have worked. Part of me can't wait for school to start but then the other part is terrified. It is so draining entertaining her all day.

The highlights of my day were Kalen returning from being out of town and a long time friend coming for a visit. Of course Brianna needed to say something or needed something every 5 secs.

I know I sound like the worst mom right now. I have no energy. Grieving takes so much out of me. I have simple goals that I like to get done on a daily basis. I'm having a hard time just doing 1 thing out of like 3. It's so hard. I hate being this disorganized, confused, forgetful, emotional, frustrated, and a bunch of other emotions at any given time. This was not the me I knew almost 3 months ago. I really don't like this new me.

Dylan's death is becoming more final and I hate it. I hate not seeing him in his bed. I hate not holding him. I hate not making him laugh. I hate so many things about him not being here. I still think by some miracle he'll be in his room. I know that there is no logical thinking at all to this. Oh I wish he was here.

Life was so easy 3 months ago. Although it was difficult raising Dylan at times, it was also wonderful. Someone is missing from our family right now. Sometimes I truly feel like I am losing my mind. I also have moments where I feel like I can't breathe because I can't take anymore. It doesn't help that I'm normally crying when I feel that way.

I may seem put together but believe me when I say that I'm a mess.
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Hard

Today the grief hit hard. Nothing specific triggered my unconsolable crying. I miss Dylan. I miss everything about him. I can't seem to get the thought of him buried out of my head. I hate this!!!! I wish he was here. Life was challenging while he was here but it was easier and I was happy compared to now.


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Running

I want to start a running group. Anyone want to start? I'm hoping to eventually do a full marathon(again, yes I know I'm a little crazy) but am far from being able to. I'm up for any distance. Come on.....you know you want to;)

I use to dedicate my runs to Dylan since he wasn't able to walk. He was and still is my inspiration. I promise we can run at whatever pace you are comfortable at.

Just think about it!!!!


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Tears, prayers and graditude

Today I have had a TON of tears. I mean where I am crying so hard I am shaking and having to take deep breaths to stop. I'm not sure what "triggered" it. I have felt better due to the fact that Kalen made the soccer phone calls letting the team know about the time change for practice Monday, my brother Brian came and fixed our wireless network, 2 people brought us meals, I got a nice message on facebook, and people actually left comments about what my talents are. Today turned out better than it started.

It started awful. I had another dream that Dylan died. I HATE those dreams. I wake up shaking and crying. It really started the day off bad. I said lots of prayers today asking for help. My prayers were answered through others today. I am grateful for that. I'm so glad that I know about prayer and that I can use it to help strengthen me when things are awful as well as good.

Thank you for those today that reached out to me. You have been a huge support today and are my "angels" on earth.

Humor me

So one of the random thoughts that just came into my mind was what are my talents. Why the thought came to my mind, I don't know. So I ask you my blog followers what do you see as my talent(s)? Yes, I know this is totally random!!!!


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Continuation of previous post

I should have included this with the other post I did earlier today.

It REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY bugs Kalen and I, that people don't think it's as sad that Dylan died since he has special needs. It is devastating to our family. Just because he wasn't a "typical" kid doesn't make it any less heart wrenching for us. You can't believe some of the things people have said to Kalen and I.

The death of a child, whether they lived 1 hour, 1 month, 8 weeks, 12 months, 3 years, 6 years 10 months 4 days, 8, 10, 12, 15, 17, 30 and so forth (you get the idea) is awful. You not only grieve the person, you grieve the "dream".

People avoid us. Not just about Dylan but all together. We NEED you to talk to us!!!

That's the last part of my vent for the day.

This week

I have to first start by saying that I'm sure that this post might offend those that are reading. This is not my intent nor is it my intent to get apologies from people. I'm not looking to do either of those things. This blog is for me to have a record of my feelings....sadness, frustration, guilt, joy, agony, heartbreak, the list goes on. I've debated starting another blog just about my new journey since Dylan's death. I actually have one created. I guess this is part of our family's story and at times I feel like it belongs here.

This week has been extremely difficult. As each week goes by, it's another reminder that Dylan is gone and it's getting longer and longer. I have thought what it is going to feel like when the time comes that will surpass how long we had Dylan with us. I know that's years ahead, but it's terrifying.Oh how I miss my sweet boy.

Our dear friend, James, put all of our videos from the camcorder tapes onto DVD's for us. I got enough courage to watch some of the videos yesterday. It was bittersweet watching them. I LOVED being able to see him and hear his vocalizations and laugh. I miss him kicking his legs in his chair. I miss seeing him "chill". I miss seeing him play. I miss his therapists. I miss our routine. I miss the stability or instability(depending on Dylan's health) of our schedule. I knew what to expect. Watching the DVD's yesterday made me realize how different I had become since becoming Dylan's mom. In the DVD's Dylan was 2 and Brianna was a baby. It seemed like it was just like yesterday. I wish it was yesterday.....he was here. His smell in his room is fading. It makes it even more difficult to go in there. I still have occasional moments where I think he's laying in his bed. But to no surprise he isn't. At times I feel my brain is crazy. Grief does crazy things to your brain, body and heart. Logical thinking is gone most of the time. I still can't clearly remember things.

People are forgetting. It's been made pretty clear, but to those that haven't thank you. Thank you for the occasional visits, random phone calls, gift cards for dinner, and support. We ate out twice last week. Who does that??? I LOVED not having to cook. Kalen has been a tropper and has helped out A LOT with dinners. I feel especially after he has worked long days at work. We didn't eat out much until a few weeks after Dylan's death. (It has taken us weeks to feel "OK" doing it) Brianna's new favorite place to eat is Olive Garden. She ate all of her meal we were impressed.

This past week, Brianna slept over at the Rogers. She had a blast. While she was over there, Kalen and I went and hung out with our friends, Judy, James and their sweet son Justin. For us it was great being able to see them care for their son, who like Dylan, was dependent on them for everything. I was jealous. They got to hold him, make him smile, change a diaper, talk about the "normal" challenges that come from raising a child with special needs. I feel as if I don't belong in that world anymore. Not because anyone has done anything to make me feel that way but because I don't have Dylan here. To those that still consider me a "special needs" mom thank you. It means so much to me.

Today I went to the Zoo with my dear friend, Stacie and her kids. I saw a family who was giving a "bolus" feeding to their child with a feeding tube. Oh how I wanted to run over and give them a hug and let them know how lucky they are to have their child here, despite the challenges I'm sure they face. Since I'm not pushing around a wheelchair anymore do I even have that right? Of course I wouldn't run up to them like a crazy lady, but I wanted them to know that I too am a "special needs" mom. I KNOW at least can understand what their normal is.

This week has really tested my mental capacity at times. I about had a complete breakdown when I couldn't get ahold of Stacie who let Brianna spend the night with her kids. The thoughts that were going through my head were crazy. Was she okay? Did she die? Did they all die? Oh the horrible the thoughts my mind was thinking. I'm telling you grief messes with all aspects of your life. Although I am grateful for my grief, there are time when I wish it would go away and other times when I am glad I it's still here. Can you believe it's been 10 weeks today? 10 weeks.......if I were to count backwards from when Dylan was alive it was in the middle of March. Things were normal. We had just started adjusting his seizure meds. We were hopeful and glad that we had done the colonoscopy and endoscope for Dylan. It allowed us to ween him off a med that was causing all sorts of problems. I had just run a half marathon and was training for another. Little did I know my life would be so different 10 weeks later and now 20 weeks later. It's crazy!!!!!!! 20 weeks ago we celebrated my nephews 1st birthday. Has Dylan's death put "time" in a different perspective for you? It has for me and my family. I can imagine what life will be like in the next 10 weeks. It will probably be like it has been for the last 10 weeks......long and short at the same time, a blur, periods of severe sadness, grief, despair, a little bit of joy thrown in(I still don't know how it's possible that I find myself laughing at things.....), tears.

One question that keeps coming to mind based on things people have said is that they really think that I'll get over this. Let me just say, THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. I WILL NEVER GET "OVER" LOSING DYLAN!!!!! You may see me smile, or be "put together" at different places, but just to clarify I am screaming inside. My heart is broken. My son died. I don't expect people to understand exactly what I am going through, but I am not "Happy".

I still worry everyday what am I going to do when Brianna starts school in a month. I don't have A LOT filling my time. I WANT, I NEED to be around my special needs friend's kids. I miss the "daily" grind. I miss diaper changes, I miss feeding tubes, I miss talking about OT, PT, Specialized Instruction, Music Therapy, Speech Therapy, Vision Therapy, stupid school districts, IEP's, taking on the system, IHSS, Respite (insane workers), Nurses, the list goes on. I need to be involved. Why do I have such a strong feeling that I need to be doing something in the Special Needs Community? I want it to be something that brings about good and is truly helpful. My brain has been trying to work on ideas amidst going crazy.

The other thing that has been bugging me is that our grief counselor suggested that we have Brianna do "intensive play" therapy. I guess I don't see what she thinks she sees. I plan on asking her tonight why she is suggesting that. Most of the time Brianna is "fine". Yes there are bouts of crying, but I have that too. Most of the time she is fine, not like me but understandable.

Well I better go get the black streaks off my face from my mascara that have run down my face due to crying. What was I thinking? I haven't worn mascara in 10 1/2 weeks!!!!