It's just one of those days

The grief is heavy this evening. I think it's because it's the evening before the 5 month mark of Dylan heading to the hospital. Subconsciously I wonder if our bodies and hearts know. Brianna acted out right before bed. I've been crying as Kalen and I talk about Dylan and how it's so strange (that doesn't even closely describe how it is) without Dylan here. That suffocating feeling is back at the moment. It's difficult to breathe and the weight that I feel is so heavy. How do we move forward? This has changed us. I'm a different person than 21 weeks ago. It's funny in a way how some people expect us to be the way we were 5 months ago. That we should be "over" it. There is no timeline to grief. It might hide itself for a minute, hour or day, but believe me it comes back and it comes back hard.

I hung out with some of my "special needs" moms group last week. It was very much needed. It was interesting because they said that when I write, my posts speak to them. I laughed because I feel like my posts are so discombobulated and disorganized. I'm glad that someone understands what I'm writing and takes something from it to help them be better. Whether it be a better mom, appreciate the small things, stop to help someone, put differences aside, be more forgiving, more patient, etc, that I'm glad I can help with.

It's been interesting some of the feedback I've received from a few. I guess a few don't realize that we are trying to live our life. For me that means getting up before Brianna to wake her up, get her fed, drive her to and from school, volunteer in her class, help with coaching her soccer team, try to maintain a "normal" household, fix meals, etc. If only the cleaning would take of it's self. It's so hard not being able to be "on top of things". Believe me I try. I try hard. It is extremely difficult to do the "daily household things". If I can get my family's laundry done then we are good. I'm proud of myself and Kalen that we get out of bed and go about our day, even though we would rather be in bed. I am grateful for Brianna. I am grateful that our loving Heavenly Father blessed us with her in our family. I'm grateful that she got to know Dylan. I struggle with the fact that this baby won't know Dylan here like we did. We are going to try our best to let him or her know about their big brother and how awesome and special he is to us. Brianna is excited for that responsibility. She as already told me some of the things that she is going to say. I'm grateful for Dylan. I love him so much and that's why this is so extremely hard. At times we think it's so unfair that he had to go but then we quickly think of all the times we might have lost him earlier in his life. We are glad that we got him for almost 7 years. Those 6 years, 10 months and 4 days can never be taken away. That I'm glad for. He made me a better mom, a better person, less judgmental of others, more patient, more kind, learned how to function on 4 hours of sleep (not in one stretch for 5+ years), learned how to appreciate my back hurting from lifting him, those quiet times when I got to rock him and just sing and rock him in my arms.

Because of Dylan we know so many great people, from doctors to therapists to friends. We are grateful for those relationships. Dylan made the world a brighter place for us and our family. It has been a little darker without his laugh and smile, but those have been imprinted in our minds and hearts.