3 Years

Today has been a really hard and emotional day. I woke up and immediately starting crying. How did my eyes just start doing that?

Anyhow it's been a rough day. I know the saying, "Times heals all wounds". I TOTALLY disagree with this. Sometimes time makes it harder.

I am grateful for my friends that sent me Facebook messages first thing in the morning. They beat me to doing my status update about it being Dylan's Angel Day. I was extremely touched! I had posted one of my favorite pictures of Dylan with my status. It's this photo:



I LOVE his toothless grin. It makes me smile.

I'm grateful for friends & family who came to the cemetery, have brought flowers, heart attacked our porch, have sent texts, have brought dinner in, brought cookies, and have remembered Dylan. These friends are who have carried me through. It sucks beyond words that Dylan isn't here physically with us.

Year 3 seems so permanent, so the fact that people remembered warms my aching heart SO much.

I'd still love to see your bubble pictures, if you have them. On the app, Instagram, I used the hashtag #dylansangelday with the photos I uploaded today. Feel free to attach that hashtag to any bubble pics:) For those wondering why we do bubbles on his Angel Day, it's because he LOVED bubbles and it something we do to remember him.

Here's one of my FAVORITE pictures from last year:




There is A LOT less anger this year as compared to last year's Angel Day. Don't get me wrong I'm still angry some days. Some days I just scream, "Why Dylan", "Why us", "Why 2010"? Not knowing the answers to those questions drives me nuts if I think about them too long. I know one day I will know the answers to my questions.

Kalen took today off and it was nice having him home. Being able to talk about our sweet boy and still how strange it is he isn't here has been comforting.

Our family has definitely had its challenges. Dylan's death is at the top of the list. I'm grateful that we've stuck together instead of falling apart. Grief can do that. I've seen it happen to a few families I've met since Dylan died, whose child/children have passed away. It can make people bitter. I'm sure there are a few who have caught me on a bad day that would clump me in that category. Sometimes it's hard not to be bitter. Being happy is something I have had to re-learn. It doesn't feel normal. How strange is that,eh???

I am grateful for Isabella and Brianna. They have helped me beyond any words I could type. While there are times they drive me nuts (what mom hasn't with her kids), I am SO grateful for them. Brianna is my link to our "past" family and Isabella has been my link to our "present" family. I don't want you thinking that I don't consider Dylan a part of our family now, I do. But with his death it seemed to separate our family, my life, and time on earth for us. You will catch us saying, "Before Dylan died" or "Since or after Dylan died". I'm not sure why its that way but that's how it is in our family now.

I long for the day when our family will be complete and I will see Dylan again......happy and healthy. To hear his laugh and to see his smile. To touch his hair. To take in everything I can and not have to worry about him going anywhere. My faith gives me hope and a knowledge that death isn't the end. While its hard to be left here on Earth while Dylan is gone, I know that it's part of a wondrous plan that my Heavenly Father has. It doesn't make it easy by any means. It just gives me hope. I am grateful for that hope.

Thank you again to all those that have kept my family in your prayers, have taken a few moments to show how you and/or your family have remembered Dylan and to continue to be a friend wherever you may be. I appreciate it SO much!



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

It's coming.........

I know I haven't blogged in months. Sorry! Between sicknesses, motherhood, grief and everyday life I haven't made the time to write. My thoughts have been spinning in circles in my head. There have been many times that I find myself thinking, "I should blog today" or "that would make a good blog topic" or "I need to "update" my crazy life for our friends, family and blog readers.

Do you ever find yourself just wanting to "veg" out?? Kalen has been working LONG hours. I mean LONG hours. Just this past week he is back to a somewhat normal work schedule. It will be nice having him home earlier. I don't know how single or military moms do it. I was about to go crazy after week 2 of 7 weeks. I applaud the strength and the determination those women have.

Since Dylan died, many of you know Memorial Day is a painful reminder of what is to come for our family. I've been getting a TON of emails advertising sales. Usually I'd be all over a good sale but Memorial Day weekend is hard. Dylan was rushed to the hospital the Friday morning of Memorial Day weekend. Our lives have been forever changed.

We will be blowing bubbles on his Angel Day, May 29th. Just like in years past I ask you to email, text or Facebook your bubble photos to me. You can even Instagram them. I'm trying to think of a hash tag to go with them. Any ideas??

I went running for the first time in months yesterday. It was tough pushing Isabella. She has grown so much! I'm so sore today.

We celebrated Isabella's 2nd birthday in April. I can't believe she has been a part of our family for that long. It still feels surreal sometimes. Despite the many times she drives me bonkers, I am so grateful for her. She has taught me to laugh again. She has taught me how to stand my ground and not be a pushover. She has the best personality. She loves to count. She talks in sentences and tells you what she wants. It's kinda weird in a way. She still seems so little. Her favorite things to do are sing, color, read and count. She's mastered counting a little past 10. It's so sweet to hear her little voice. My heart truly expanded when she was born. I love her!

Brianna is finishing up 2nd grade in a few weeks. Where did the time go? Wasn't she just 5? I can't believe she will be 8 in August. She LOVES to read and draw me pictures. Usually her drawings are rainbows or hearts, with a message telling me, "You're the best Mom" or "I'm glad you're my Mom". Oh how I love her!! She also likes to take those pictures away if she gets mad at me. Hmmm...maybe a glimpse into her teenage years??? Brianna got braces on back in February to help close a really big gap in her two front teeth preventing the teeth next to them to be able to come down. She's had them on for 2 1/2 months and the gap is closed. It's amazing. I wonder when they will be coming off. She looks so much older with braces. It's scary! Brianna is a huge help with Isabella. They play well together for the most part. They do bicker which can be SUPER annoying, but I love watching them interact.

Kalen and I have been blessed with great kids! I wish our family was intact right now. I wish Dylan was here. I wish Isabella knew him not just by pictures. I wish I didn't have to carry the burden of grief and heartache. I wish the month of May wasn't so painful. I wish Dylan was here (yes thats here twice). I would give anything to hold him, to hug him, to hear his laugh. To see his smile......
Memories are all I have left, except for a few tangible items. I am grateful for those. The girls love watching a video I took of Dylan and Brianna a few days before he died. It's hard to see him so happy. To hear me be happy. Not knowing what would be coming unexpectedly to our family.

One thing I've learned since Dylan died is to appreciate your kids. When Dylan was alive I was taught by him how to appreciate the little things in life. To look for them. Those little things make up a whole lot. Since he died, I've learned not to take a day for granted, even the "bad" days. I'm not grateful for the "bad" days but I am grateful for the lessons that can and have been learned.

Please keep our family in your prayers. Especially this next week. The 28th and 29th are extremely painful.

I long for the day I will see Dylan and our family will be reunited. What a glorious day that will be!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone