Can't sleep

I have a ton of thoughts running through my head and can't go back to sleep. One of my thoughts is why I'm even awake. Oh yeah, it's the baby that kicks me all night and I can't seem to get comfortable when she kicks. Or it might be Kalen's snoring. (which he says he doesn't) Regardless I'm awake.

Lately, I feel like I'm in a fog. I can't seem to see clearly. I've lost my map. At times I feel like I'm losing my mind. I really don't like this sense of disorientation. Not sure what I thought it would be like almost 8 months without Dylan here. It's still so incredibly difficult. The weight of grief is something I've grown accustom to in my daily life, and I don't like it one bit.

Yesterday, while trying to pick a book to read for Brianna's class, I found some of the books Dylan made with his teacher over the past few years. The grief became so overwhelming. It swept over me like a rushing wave unexpectedly. I felt as though I couldn't breathe and I was tossed about with all my emotions. Tears streamed down my face. How can this be normal? I struggle with that everyday that my baby boy isn't here. It doesn't seem right. It's not fair. I know everyone will tell you life isn't fair, but losing a child is the most "unfair" thing that I have experienced.

I was just telling my friend Stacie that it still feels so unreal at times. There are moments when I think he'll come home at any minute. And I just wait. I know that he isn't but it doesn't change what my heart wants and aches for.

On Sunday, I had decided to try and empty one of his dresser drawers. Not because I feel ready but out of pure desperation in an attempt to get ready for Isabella's arrival. I figured that since I just started my last trimester it would be a good idea. Plus I know how hard it is because I've attempted this task more than once.
Tears streamed down my face as I attempted to put his shirts in a clear plastic storage tub. I sobbed. It just doesn't seem right. Taking his things out of the drawer was excruciating. I remember putting his things in his drawers the very first time. It seems like a lifetime ago. He should be here. There were clothes he had never worn because I had just gotten them 2 weeks or so before he died. I held some of the shirts so tightly trying to savor every memory that came flooding back to the times he had worn them. I had my favorites and and those were the hardest to take out of the drawer an put in a tub.

It's heart-wrenching to think that one day there won't be Dylan's things out and about and still spread about in our home. Not seeing his chair everyday with him in it in the family room sucks. Or seeing his feeding pump that was taken so quickly after he died. Or the wipes that I still instinctively go and grab to wipe Brianna's hands with. Brianna does the same thing too. It's been almost 8 months and yet we still do things as if he is here.

I know his items are just "things", but it's not right that they are here an he isn't. One day he was here and the next gone. Kalen and I struggle with what to do with his things. I feel like if we remove them, even to a storage bin, it will be like he never existed, if that makes any sense. There are so many things that just can't be parted with.

This road I'm traveling on is full of so many bumps, hills and mountains. There are days I want to stop and turn back but I know I can't. There is no turning back the time to the night of May 27th when Dylan was here, laughing, smiling, living. Or even at 4am on May 28th for me, doing our middle of the night routine. Who would have known that would be the last time I'd get to see him full of life. No warning and in an instant the Dylan I knew, would be gone. I still can ever so clearly see his unresponsive body lay on the carpet as Kalen gave him CPR. Oh how I wish things turned out differently. Seeing Dylan like that sucks and has been engraved in my memory. The last memories I have as a complete family are with Dylan on life support. I really wish it wasn't that way.

I long for the day when we will be reunited and together............




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Pregnancy

Why must you be so hard on my body and emotions?? I'm not complaining, really. I made a promise to myself I wouldn't.

I do have to admit this is one of the easiest and hardest pregnancy I've had. I think being pregnant in my 30's has been a ton harder than it was in my 20's.

Our plan was to have all our kids by the time I was 30. That didn't happen. Who would have thought......

I have so much to do before our baby is born. Yup I have a list. Thought I'd share.

1. Have overhead lighting installed in the girl's room.

2. Move furniture & toys out of Brianna's room into Dylan's.

3. Move some furniture out of Dylan's room to make room for the stuff in Brianna's room.

4. Put the crib together.

5. Get bedding for the crib

6. Get a TON of baby stuff. This part seems so overwhelming since it's been so long since there has been one in our house 24/7. Carseat, stroller, infant tub, diaper bag, and everything else......

7. Go through and get rid of "stuff" that we don't need.

8. Try to get caught up on the 6 years I'm behind on scrapbooking so Isabella will have a baby book.

9. Whatever else I can't think of at the moment.

While the list doesn't seem too long it's A LOT to do. If they were all "independent" things, it might not be so bad but there are a few things that are dependent on other things getting done first.

Let the madness begin!


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It's Friday

That means one thing. My emotions are very intense. My body is more sluggish compared to the other days of the week. My heart hurts. I'm more confused than my new normal. Saturdays are extremely difficult to. These days mark another week since I've last held Dylan. Most people look forward to the weekend. I don't! It just another reminder.

So while I'm not in the best mood I figured I might as well blog to see if it will help at least release some of the annoyance I'm feeling toward others.

Since people still tell me they want to help but are not sure what to do or say I figured I'd make a short list of do and don'ts.

1. Don't tell me you are sorry Dylan died. You did not cause his death. The word "sorry" is the most overused word I feel, our society uses.

2. Dinners are still appreciated. Just call me and say you had extras and want to bring it by. Don't ask me if you can make me dinner. That part isn't helpful.

3. Let us talk about Dylan and our feelings about him. His death isn't the only thing about him. We love talking about him and what life was like when he was here.

4. Please think about what you say before you open your mouth. I know we've all put our foot in our mouths at one point or another but just stop and think.

5. Call, text or email often. Don't wait for us to do it. We might not answer the phone or get back to you right way but knowing that people still care is one of the things that help. We feel that most have moved on. While we know it's true, we haven't.

That's my list for today!


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Wasted

I started a post and the dang app froze so l lost what I wrote. Now my emotions are all out of whack and I am emotionally drained.


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$5.90 trip to Target

Yup you read that right. I went to Target after picking Brianna up from school. I got (3) 15oz boxes of Kashi GoLean Crisp cereal, (2) bottles 8 oz Ortega taco sauce, (1) 10 oz Vaseline lotion with bonus (30 Q-tips) and (8) 6 oz Yoplait Strawberry Yogurt all for $5.90. This was one of my best trips to Target!!!!



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Missing Dylan

I'm missing him A LOT today. My heart is aching. I miss seeing that toothless grin every morning when I wake up. I miss giving him kisses. My friend, grief, has been having a very heavy presence lately. My days just aren't the same.

I wish I could hear his laugh, hold him, smell him, see his toes, hold his hands, give him kisses and so much more.





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Starting the new year off right

It's been a while since I did a post like this but I had to share this. I went to Rite Aid and spent $7.68 on 2 Tide 100fl oz. laundry detergents. Each one normally costs $17.69 at my Rite Aid store, but with a sale, manufacturer coupons and a bunch of +UP rewards that's how I did it. I also walked out with a $5 +UP reward to use on my next visit. This was a highlight of my morning.



I have so many of you that want coupon lessons I've decided that I'm going to start a monthly class. Let me know if you are interested and I'll get you all the details.

Happy New Years!


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