It's been awhile

Friday evening I got a text from my friend Stacie asking me if I was doing anything fun last night and if I want to go get a pedicure. I hadn't had one since the day before Dylan's funeral. So of course I wanted (needed) one and since I can't see my feet due to the watermelon I call my belly, I needed them to look pretty for others. Plus I was holding onto a Christmas gift I had received that needed to be redeemed. (Thanks Brian & Lori). It was the first time in almost 9 months that I felt a twinge of enjoyment. It felt foreign, strange and good at the same time. If you need a good laugh, picture two pregnant women, one about to give birth and one a few weeks behind walking into the nail place together. We definitely are a sight to see.

After our pedicure we went for a walk in the freezing cold night. In a way it was invigorating and then painful at the same time. I started having contractions so that wasn't good. Stacie was suppose to be the one feeling those. Resting made them stop.

Getting together with Stacie is always therapeutic for me. Since we both have had children die, it gives us an opportunity to talk about them and how we are feeling. Although she's 2 1/2 years farther along grieving she gets me. I feel safe sharing my feelings knowing that probably at one time or another she's felt similar. So to Stacie, I'm so glad we are friends. It sucks that we have to be on this path of having a child die but I'm glad we are on it together.

This morning I was able to go get my hair done. Kalen had surprised me with a gift certificate to do so. He knew I had been wanting to get it done but just couldn't bring myself to go and do it. I needed some forcing. So this morning I went and got it done. I'm pleased with it and it brightened my spirit for a few moments. Keep in mind Fridays and Saturdays are hard for me. It marks another week since Dylan has been gone. So to me the fact that I was able to go and do those things is huge.

After I was done at the salon, I met up with my longtime childhood friend, Meghan. We've known each other our entire lives. We went to Olive Garden for lunch. I have been craving it so much lately. Those that know me, know I love Italian food. We had a great time chatting and catching up. Thank you Meghan for the laughs and conversations. The waiter was AWESOME and gave me a ton of breadsticks and the after dinner mints to take home. We had great service. I guess it pays to take a pregnant lady to a restaurant.

So although the 9 month mark is coming up on Monday, being with friends has helped make this weekend a little more bearable. I felt a small glimpse of sunlight in my life today and am grateful for that.



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It's been an emotional day

Tears are flowing heavily today. I've been sobbing so much. We removed Dylan's things from his room. Dylan's room is so different now. All that remains in there is his bed. It's so unfair and isn't right that we had to move his stuff out. All though his things aren't in there I feel like it will always be Dylan's room. There are so many emotions and thoughts that come along with that.

I'm feeling a stab to my heart. It's so different in there. I'm struggling with the thought of his things not being in there. This is so hard. The pain is extreme today.


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It's been one of those days

Not a lot got accomplished today. I have no motivation. I've been in a funk all week. The rain isn't helping.

I did clean the hall bathroom since Brianna has been nagging me about it for this past week. She said she wanted to help. Of course her helping lasted all of 5 minutes. It's better than nothing.

The plan for this weekend is to keep cleaning, put the crib together, and get stuff organized. Hopefully all of it will get done.



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A rushing wave

I woke up early this morning with my heart pounding and tears streaming down my face. I relived my worst nightmare but this time it was Brianna who died. The intense emotions I felt the day Dylan was rushed to the hospital and the moment he was pronounced "brain dead" came rushing back. I ran into Brianna's room to make sure she was there and breathing. To my relief she was there and sleeping well.

Grief affects me in so many ways. Whether I'm awake or sleeping, it's there. It's always there. It's hard trying to live when there is a constant weight on my heart and mind. It makes life extremely difficult.

I miss Dylan so much. My life seems so surreal. I feel like I'm watching myself live from a distant. It's so strange to describe.

Hopefully tonight's dreams will be different.

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Just another day

I've been wanting to blog since Friday but it just didn't happen. It was a combination of grief and pregnancy. I can't believe that 8 months have passed since Dylan died. I still feel like I'm living in a dream or a life that isn't mine.

I miss Dylan so much. Its not the same without him here smiling and laughing. I have 2 kids and 1 on the way and people only see 1. People who meet us now, don't know the awesome kid that was a part of our family until 8 months ago. He isn't physically here and it sucks.

I keep wondering when the sun will shine a little more brightly in my life but it hasn't.

I've been trying to think of the words that describe what's going through my mind and how I'm feeling. None seem to fit appropriately.

Kalen and I were talking last night about how it seems like a lifetime ago Dylan was here but at the same time not that long ago. I can't believe in just a few short months we will have a new baby and then the year mark of Dylan's death will be here. The tears follow just trying to comprehend this. It hurts so badly. I miss him.

I can't think clearly. I can't accomplish the tasks that I have planned each day. My house needs a good cleaning. I have to organize things, finish projects, purge and donate. All these things I want to do, but physically can't. It's not like one of those times that you don't want to so it is put off. I physically and mentally can't bring myself to do any of those things. I know there are a few people, based on the things they've said to me, that feel I should be able to do these things since "it isn't so fresh". What those people fail to realize is that 8 months is still fresh. This isn't something that I can put in the back of my mind and deal with it later. Dylan's death has changed me in ways I didn't even think possible. It changed everything about our family, our individual selves, our relationship dynamics, our identity's and the list just goes on and on.

There are so many times I wish Dylan was here just for the little things. I always thought he'd be here for Brianna to be in kindergarten. I mean why wouldn't I have thought any other way. This thought really affects me.

I'm dreading those first family pictures after Isabella is born. All we will have is a photo of Dylan to have in those pictures. It's heartbreaking.

Our family didn't feel complete before Dylan died. We had been trying for so long to have another child. Now he's gone and it will never feel complete. I dread the years to come.

My mind is all over the place today. Everything is jumbled. The tears are flowing like a flood. Where is the peace?

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