Not so small after 1 year

I'm sitting here in Sophia's room, rocking her to sleep. To think a year ago we were in the hospital and it was painful to hold her due to just having a c section. Now she is "big", but yet still so small. 

I have loved being a mom to all of my kids. Each one teaches me different things on a daily basis. Each one has enriched my life in ways I never thought possible. 

For me, time has been an enemy since Dylan died. It either goes by too fast or extremely slow. As I sit here rocking Sophia, listening to her breathing slow, I can't believe it's been a year since she was born. Where has the time gone?? 

I tried hard to savor every minute (even the ones that seemed never ending due to lack of sleep) because I knew she would be the last baby for Kalen and I. 

There is something that pulls on my heartstrings when I think about it. 

I've watched Sophia closely this past year, to see how she has learned to roll, sit, crawl, walk, give kisses, say hi, and constantly babble "mama". It's so fascinating to me how babies learn (that's probably why I have a degree in Child Development). 

I am grateful for the opportunity I've been given to be a mom. To be a buddy to one. To be comforter to another. To be my kids' "mama". 

While I could be cleaning the house, washing the dishes or doing something else, I'm going to choose to rock my baby a little longer because I know firsthand what it's like not to be able to do so. 

I'm feeling sentimental tonight. Many thoughts are racing through my head as I reflect on this past year. There have been good and bad times, calm and hectic times, but overall this year has been a blessing. With that being said, Happy birthday my sweet Sophia. You are truly a blessing!

Life...what it's really like

I pretty much skip over commercials when watching TV shows on my DVR (well the Dish Hopper does it for me) BUT there are a few random occasions that I will see a commercial (whenever my kids are watching a show of theirs) that makes me think "yeah right!"

Let me paint the scene. A mom is giving her baby a bath or changing the baby's diaper. There is calm music, mother and child are looking tenderly at each other. It's all smiles. Well advertising companies, I've got news for you. I am assuming that whoever thought up these "lovely" commercials has never had kids, because they would surely know that is not what it's like.

Now let me paint the scene for a diaper change at my house. As soon as I walk with Sophia into her room she starts screaming. I'm sure it's because she thinks that she is going to be going down for a nap. So as I gently lay her down on the changing table and give her a smile, she starts to squirm, roll, protest and scream even louder. I have to give her "something" (a diaper, a toy, a tube of desitin), you get the idea, to help her not move all over the place. After what should take just a few seconds and be painstakingly easy, I've worked up a little sweat from trying to make sure my child doesn't go flying off the side of the changing table.

I wonder why diaper companies don't show that type of diaper change. I'm sure more than at least half of all parents experience my "scene" much more often than the one portrayed on TV. I could go on and on about how TV is so unrealistic but I won't.

I just know that as I change Sophia's diapers numerous times today, there won't be any peaceful music or a happy baby during the process. What will I get?? I get a screaming baby that can't wait for it all to be over with, not realizing that if she did do what the TV commercials appear to make what a diaper change is, she might not have tears in her eyes and a splotchy forehead.

I really think that diaper/baby product companies REALLY need to do a better job of what parenthood is like. I mean I'm still going to have to buy diapers, baby food or any kind of baby supplies. I'm just saying......

Some of my random thoughts on a Sunday morning:)

Should.......

I think I've pretty much always detested the word "should". I hate thinking that someone is telling me I have to do something. Today though, it isn't someone, its my brain. I guess in a round about way, I'm telling myself that I "should" be doing something. (Brain don't you know that you aren't suppose to do that!)

I was up 3 times with Sophia last night. It's rough today so far. I'm not sure why she was up so much. She might be teething, or gassy or wanted to nurse. Whatever the reason, I got up and comforted her. I am exhausted today. Despite being exhausted, I am grateful that I get to get up with her - with any of my kids for that matter. While sleep is a wonderful and magical thing, being able to get up to help one of kids at night is something I don't take for granted. It could also be, that because in the back of my mind I wonder if that will be the last time I will see them living and breathing. Something about having a child dies does that.

So because of lack of sleep and stress,  I am having a major flare up today. My body is achy all over. Prior to being diagnosed with 2 different auto immune diseases, I never hurt like this. It is a pain I had never experienced. It's awful and for me is debilitating. So while all I want to be doing is sleeping, because I know that's what I SHOULD be doing, my mind won't stop running a list of things I SHOULD be doing as well. Here's my list:

 1. Sweep the floors
 2. Mop the floors
 3. Start laundry (Wait didn't I do laundry already this week?? Why are my kids telling me they have no clothes)
 4. Check girls room for clothes
 5. Tell girls they need to clean and organize their room
 6. Make time to help girls organize their room
 7. Find a box for donations and grab trash bags
 8. Take a nap while Sophia is napping this morning (seeing I'm blogging and she is now crying again, this will not be happening)
 9. Send email to Brianna's teacher about the Science Project
10. Clean my bathroom
11. Find a way to get some sort of exercise because weigh in for the weight loss competition I'm doing is tomorrow morning. (I can barely move so this should be interesting)
12. Figure out why my body is not making milk and that I better get formula for Sophia (try not to have a breakdown because of this)

So to the word "should", I'm going to pretend that you don't exist today and do whatever I can to make it through the day!

I'm curious, if you could eliminate a word from your day what would it be??

My motherly thoughts

Watching Brianna grow up is bittersweet. Lately there has been lots of talk (on her end) of what it will be like when she's older. I see the excitement and wonder in her eyes but my heart aches. 

I no longer am "all knowing" in her mind. I've been hearing a lot of "I know that" or "that's not right, you're wrong". I can only  guess what my mom felt when I started saying these kinds of things. It's hard to swallow as a mom. I love watching her learn and grow but at the same time it reminds me that she won't stay little forever. I can see the struggle that faces her daily of wanting to do things someone older would do and then doing things younger girls do. I of course am silently trying to guide her to the younger girl choices.  

She is still my sweet girl despite the eye rolls and the occasional sassiness. I hope that she will feel confident with herself, that she won't follow the crowd or worry about what others think. I hope and pray that she will make good choices with whatever comes her way. 

When I stop and think about her getting older, I hope that I (meaning Kalen & I) will have prepared her for the world. That she will see the good around her instead of the bad. That she will love unconditionally. That she will share her light with those around her. That she will be a loyal friend. That others will be drawn towards her because she is different and stands up for what she believes in. 

Being a mom is the hardest thing I've ever done. It's not a 8-5 job. It's constant. I never thought that I would worry so much about another as I do my kids. 

I hope that my girls know how much I love and adore them. I'm so grateful that I am their mother. While my "job" is not valued by the world as a worthy job, it is one of the most important ones I've ever had. I pray I can do it well. 

So here's to rolling with the punches (not literally) and trying not to laugh at my eye rolling queen, tantrum drama queen and baby that needs to be physically touching me ALL the time (is there a queen for that?). I'm grateful for my sweet girls. This isn't the easiest job, but it can and has been the most rewarding job I've done in my life so far.

Feeling emotional tonight. Grateful for my family. Missing Dylan. Standing in awe of how wonderful my kids are and how blessed I am. 

Have you missed me???

I say it time and time again, I know. I truly mean to blog often but life has a certain way of not allowing me to do that. I guess that's a good thing that I am busy. There are still so many things that I need to do or that I'd like to do.

Summer was a whirlwind. Lots of fun family day trips. We made a "Bjurstrom Summer Bucket List". Some of the activities were REALLY easy. Other's required some planning. I think one of my favorite day trips was trying to go to Muir Woods. Brianna had been begging to go. We loaded up in the car and headed out. By the time we got to Muir Woods, trying to park was INSANE! I circled a few times. I was even willing to park along the road. It wasn't meant for that day, I guess. So we continued to 2 beaches that day. Memories were made and we had LOTS and LOTS of fun. My mom (aka Grandma) was pulled over by Isabella when a big waved crashed into them. It was funny. (I'm pretty sure though that my mom didn't think so).

This is literally right before a huge wave soaked them.

Here are a few more pictures from that day.

We decided the week after our first try to go to Muir Woods that we would try again, but this time leave earlier and we could circle the parking lots a few times. It was much less busy the second day we tried. I was about to give up but I knew Brianna REALLY wanted to go, so I went to the front parking lot one more time. Just as I was pulling into the entrance I saw a car pulling out. YAY!!! Brianna would get her wish of going to Muir Woods. It was fun walking around and admiring the beauty that was there. 

After we went to Muir Woods, we went on to see the Golden Gate, did the paddle boats on Stow Lake, went to the Japanese Tea Garden and then checked out "The Full House" house. Brianna loves that show. I could tell she was bummed that it wasn't exactly like the TV show, but she was still pretty excited. It was a great day (despite getting stuck in horrible San Francisco traffic on the way home).

Summer was pretty laid back here at our house. Although we had the bucket list, the girls mainly wanted to swim at my parents house. It's nice they are so close, that way the girls can go swim while Sophia was napping and I got some quiet time. YAY for quiet time!

School is back in full swing. We have a 4th grader and a preschooler. When did this happen??? I feel like my life is flying by and my children are growing up WAY to fast. I am really trying to enjoy the moments, even the not so great ones (i.e. teething infant, tantrums and 9 year old emotions).

This past weekend, I attended a Women's Conference, called Time Out for Women through Deseret Book. You can check out their website here. I was able to go with my mom, my best friend and my friend's mom. It was wonderful taking time for myself and listening to the wonderful speakers. I came home with checklist of things I want to try, change or eliminate. Kalen was awesome with watching the girls, keeping the house clean and entertaining the girls. I'm grateful that he was willing to watch our girls so I could go and be uplifted. I can't wait for next year!

Well Sophia just woke up from her nap and I have dinner to make. While this wasn't the most awesome post, it was a little snippet into what our summer was like. I'm really ready for fall or at least cooler weather. It was in the 100's over the weekend and it's MISERABLE! Here's to cooler weather, leaves changing colors, sweaters and apples!

What was your favorite thing this past summer???

4 years

I have been trying to post this entry for 3 weeks now. Each member of my family has been sick sometime during the last 3 weeks. Plus there was the last week of school. During the last 3 weeks, we took time to remember our sweet Dylan on his Angel Day. We gathered with friends and family at the cemetery to honor him. We blew bubbles. Each year seems impossible that we've made it through another one. I can't believe it's been 4 years. It's very surreal. Kalen and I were just talking about how it seems like it was a different life. Those our age, it's kind of like when you think of high school. We have our memories and a few of his belongings and that's it. It's the strangest feeling and I don't like it.

This last year has been strange. While my emotions are very raw on some days, I've come to accept that because of grief some days are worse than others.

I recently had someone tell me that since Dylan's death they aren't sure how to "approach me". I've pondered about this. I find it strange but I get it in a way. Yes there have been blog posts I've written about how upset I've been at the hurtful things people have said to me BUT that doesn't mean you can't talk to me. Let me just stress that it's not at all helpful to tell a grieving special needs parent(s) that "their life must be so much better now that their special needs child is gone" or "that the only one in a hole is Dylan". Those are the some of the hurtful and outright rude comments that people have said to Kalen and I. It's my understanding that people haven't "approached" us (Kalen & I) because they are scared of saying the wrong thing. I feel that is a super lame excuse not to talk to us.

To me it's like the "golden rule". I think that's what it is called. You know the one that is "If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all"...... or "treat others how you want to be treated".

I've been grateful for my friends that I have made since Dylan's death that don't hold me to some standard of "who I use to be". I'm grateful for those that I can call friends that have stuck with me through thick and thin. Who have seen me at my worst. Who have sent texts telling me they were thinking of me or that they saw a dragonfly or that they heard a sound that would have sent Dylan into a fit of laughter.

So to those of you that feel you can't talk to me, approach me or "handle" me, I say try. You might be surprised of just how friendly I am. I'm just saying:)

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Bittersweet

I've learned being a special needs mom that there are times when I can feel multiple feelings at the same time with the same intensity. Did that make sense?? I mean throughout my life I've had times where I've been mad and hurt at the same time but since Dylan's death I can experience an overwhelming sadness and some happiness at the same time. Happiness though now takes on a new meaning.

Today our family experienced a mix of emotions. We gave Dylan's wheelchair to a little boy who desperately needed an appropriate seating device aka wheelchair. They are so hard to get sometimes. The hoops that the "system" makes parents go through is ridiculous in my opinion. Anyhow we have been holding on to Dylan's wheelchair for almost 4 years since his death. It stayed in the house after he first died. It was taken to the church for his funeral and was next to the table where the guests signed the guestbook along with pictures of Dylan. It eventually made its way to the garage. There it has sat. I'm embarrassed to say that his harness vest still had some of Dylan's spit up on it. When he first died I needed to preserve everything in the state it was in, because it made me feel closer to Dylan. That's how I coped. I did wash it before I gave it to the new family.

Anyhow his chair was brought inside this past week. Brianna has spent time reading books while sitting in Dylan's chair. Isabella wants to be pushed around the family room. She has no idea what that chair means to Kalen, Brianna and I. But she knows it's her brother, Dylan's, who she has been asking daily if she can play with him. Oh how I wish she knew him. That she could hear his laugh, see his smile or make him laugh (I'm pretty sure he'd find her hilarious, after all we do).

Before the family came to get the chair today we took pictures with the chair.









While some of you might be thinking what's the big deal, it's just a chair. It's much more than that. It holds SO many memories for us. Trips to doctor appointments, therapies, Disneyland, the beach and just sitting around at home. It was an extension of Dylan. As the years have gone by there are less and less things of Dylan's in our home. That's really hard!!

I can feel my body starting to shutdown while an overcoming wave of grief is about to strike. To think 4 years ago on May 24, 2010, my life was COMPLETELY different. We now have 2 additional children living in our home while our firstborn is now longer here. What I would give to rub my fingers through his hair, to hold his hands, to hug him, to rock him while singing his favorite songs, to see him alive --vibrant, smiling and laughing. What I would give!!

So tonight as I drift off to sleep, I'll go to that place where 4 years ago, I was "me" - happy but overwhelmed, but when I wake tomorrow I'm the "new" me - someone who feels happiness but pain. Just like today as I was helping position the little boy in his new chair and making it appropriate for him I felt pain but happiness.

I just pray that I can make it through this next week. My grief this past year I feel has numbed me. There are moments that I have to remind myself that Dylan was real because this past year seems like I was in a dream watching someone else live. I have to fight to keep my memories. Grief and time are taking my precious memories from me and I HATE it.

So I will continue to deal with my heart wrenching pain while I put a smile on my face and try to feel happiness. Having my sweet children's faces to look at helps to remind me of a happiness I once felt. One day I'll know true happiness and I long for that day ............






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Just another day.....

I tried doing a blog post. It was lame. So this is what you get. Happy Monday! I'm hoping Tuesday will be better than today. Today marks another month as the day Dylan went to the hospital. It also marks the day when our world came crashing down. Tomorrow marks 47 months since we had to take him off life support. We are just one month away from the 4 year mark. I can't believe he hasn't been with us for 4 years. Life was so unbelievably different then. It feels like a dream or a blur. My memories come and go. I forget things. I hate it! One thing remains the same though, my first and last thoughts of my day, are about my sweet boy. I long for the day when we will be reunited.

I'm hoping that by next year, I will be in a good place with my grief and have a better handle on life (something about a baby throws things off for me) to coordinate a race in Dylan's memory and raise funds to then donate to one of the many agencies that provided him services. Any one want to help me plan out the logistics???

I'm needed so I better go. Sorry for the lame post but that's pretty much how it's been for me lately. Here's to better things to come :)

Really!?!?! That butterfly shaped organ is important.

I once again have not been blogging. As usual the thoughts are running through my head but I haven't had more than just a few minutes (maybe seconds) to myself lately.

Just when I think nothing else could happen, my health is now at the forefront of my life. I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism 10 years ago last month. "Take a little blue pill they said and you'll feel better". Over the years my dose has changed and the pills are now purple. I still don't feel good.

I've often suspected that somehow my thyroid went wacky while pregnant with Dylan and because of that it contributed to his disabilities. There are so many studies linked to a mother's thyroid function while pregnant and her baby's brain development. I still to this day wish I had known about the small butterfly shaped organ that runs "the show" for my body. The thyroid is so important and when it doesn't function right it's horrible.
I don't expect everyone to understand how life with hypothyroidism is. It has been extremely hard to lose the weight I gained with Dylan (and I gained A LOT). I can tell when my medicine needs to be adjusted because I become very sluggish, have horrible headaches, have excessively dry skin, weight gain or extreme difficult losing weight no matter how many or little calories I eat, insomnia and an overall feeling of YUCK!

So rewind to the past January. I wasn't feeling "right". I haven't felt normal in my skin for who knows how long, but I did know something wasn't right. I asked my doctor to run the usual thyroid test and see what was going on. I was being over medicated. I would have thought I would have lost more weight but ironically when you have too much thyroid medicine in your system it mimics when I don't have enough to regulate my thyroid. Who knew??? Anyhow they adjusted my meds and told me to wait 6 weeks but this time since I was feeling so bad I would also be tested for Hashimotos. Hashi what?!?!? My doctor order tpo bloodwork to be done as well as the standard thyroid test. Sure enough mine came back positive for Hashimotos. It finally explained why I was the feeling the way I have been.....like crud! I have had a headache non stop, severe joint pain, extreme sensitivity to cold, exhaustion, mood swings, really bad dry skin, the list could go on. So for the past week I've learned that I have an auto immune disease in addition to an almost non functioning thyroid. I have been in an extreme amount of pain. I now have to work with my doctor and an endocrinologist to figure out how to make me feel "normal". Right now I don't even think it's possible. I met with my doctor today and she suspects I also have fybromaliga. One more thing to deal with.
Right now I'm in the "anger" phase of grief of not having a "normal functioning body". Yes, I am grieving my health. I am angry. I've been told by a few people I should pray. While I have a strong testimony in the power of prayer, I am mad at God right now. Don't judge me. I'm not sharing my "news" as a tell me what you think I should do. Fight the urge to tell me to seek His guidance or pray. Right now I'm angry. Angry I hurt. Angry that my body doesn't function normally. Angry that it's going to make it that much harder to lose the weight I've gained. Angry that I've been given one more thing to grieve about. Between Dylan's death and now my health, there are many days I want to throw in the towel and just be done BUT I'm walking by faith that I will be made whole one day. So in the meantime just keep me in your prayers that I can navigate through all the new trials that have come with my new medical problems.

Just like my grief with Dylan, anger is a tough one to deal with. Right now, when I can think straight, I think "why me" or "what did I do to be challenged so much"?

This will take time so please be patient with me. And if anything just be a listening ear and don't tell me what you think I SHOULD do.

I will get past the anger phase. Promise!!




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Friday.......

Happy Friday as well as Valentine's Day! As a kid I LOVED this holiday. As an adult it's just another day. Am I bitter? Nope. I try to have it be magical for my kids. We have little pink and red mailboxes with their names on them.

Last year we were really good about writing "love notes" to the girls. Last year I also wrote on hearts and put them on their bedroom doors. I was on top of it last year. Fast forward to this year and Brianna asked me if I was going to put hearts on their doors or put notes in the mailboxes. I felt pretty lame when she asked. I had planned that I'd be able to continue the traditions we did last year for valentine's day. But I failed this year. I've had sick kids for the past week and have had to ask friends to pick things up for me at the store. That included the valentines Brianna will be passing out today to her classmates. So we went with store bought valentines and added a lollipop.

Last year I did fun things found on Pinterest. We even "made" the valentines Brianna passed out last year. I even have a whole board for Valentine Day crafts, food, etc. you can find it here that has fun and cute things I could do to celebrate this "holiday".

This year Valentine's Day is pretty much just another day in our household just minus lots of red and pink hearts but with lots of love shown to one another.

Next year will hopefully be a little more magical for my family. I better start planning now:)

So those of you that "have it together" know I'm envious of you!


So tomorrow when this holiday is over, I'm curious, what are some ways you still show love to your family and friends on a daily basis??

Life as I know it

I seriously am wondering where the past month as gone. It seems like a blur. It's due to my lack of sleep and the exhaustion that comes with a new baby. It's A LOT of work caring for a baby. There have been many days that I have been lucky to get a shower. On top of everything that comes with a new baby, my thyroid is out of whack. It's amazing how one little small part of my body can affect EVERYTHING. From weight loss or lack there of, insomnia, exhaustion, joint pain, sensitivity to cold, to a long list of other things that cause me problems. My doctor is now going to test me to see if I have Hashimoto's. Jeez I can't win. At least that's how I feel sometimes.

I've been thinking lately that this is the last time I will personally experience a brand new baby. Sophia is our last child. I had read an article that a friend had posted on Facebook about "The Ache". Take time to read the article. I was in tears. It makes me a little sad watching my children grow up. I'm already having to pull out the newborn clothes from Sophia's drawers. As much as I want to see my children grow, it is bittersweet. Wasn't it just yesterday that Brianna was my baby. This year she will be turning 9. To think that in 9 more years she will be 18 and considered her own guardian. Crazy right. Isabella will be 3 and she was just my baby. I feel like grief stole a lot of her "babyhood" from me as much as I tried not to let it. It is a blur. So while I might not be getting sleep, spit up on, constantly changing diapers and loving on my baby, I am choosing to savor every moment.

I'm not sure why I am having such a hard time with the fact we are done having kids. Maybe it's because even if I wanted more I can't have one. Not everyone knows but my uterus was starting to rupture with Sophia and have been told no more babies. While I've always wanted to have 4 kids, being told that I can't have any more because my body won't hold up is kinda hard. We were done but it's still hard.

I'm currently listening to the musical aquarium playing that Dylan so loved hoping that it will help Sophia go to sleep. It's bittersweet. He LOVED music. I can tell that it is comforting to Sophia. I remember after Isabella was born it was VERY hard to listen to the music play on the aquarium. In some small way it's like he's here. A part of Dylan who Sophia & Isabella will never know in this lifetime is still a huge part of our lives.

Well it's off for bedtime for me. I'm hoping that I can get a good stretch tonight.

Oh and before I forget, Isabella has been potty training. She decided she wanted to do it. Stickers weren't working but lollipops have done the trick. So if she had a slogan, it would be "I poop for lollipops". Kind of funny right??? :)

Yikes

My days seem to have fallen into the same thing day after day. I'm not complaining. I like knowing what to expect. Let's just say I don't like the 2:30pm to 8am routine. 

Trying to figure out what Sophia wants the past few days has been rough. She acts like she is hungry but gags and then spits up everywhere, while at the same time closing her eyes. Hmm....maybe she wasn't ready to get up??? That's my first thought. 

I'm kinda proud of myself today. Kalen worked a REALLY long day and then had a meeting to go to at church this evening. Literally I finally saw him when he got home at 8:30. I got Isabella bathed and the Sophia bathed. I tried feeding Sophia numerous times but it didn't go well. I then got Isabella into bed all while Sophia was complaining about who knows what.  

This is huge as I was literally by myself since Brianna was at an activity at church. Thankfully a friend took her so I didn't have to load all the girls in the car. So I feel accomplished today, not because anything huge happened but because I was able to do something that has had me worried and stressed. 

I seriously don't know how stay at home moms do it all with more than 2 kids. It's been a hard adjustment. I feel like one of my kids are being neglected ALL the time. It's hard to divide up my time for 1 on 1. If you have any ideas or suggestions I'd gladly take them :)

So you moms and/or dads, I'm curious as to how you manage everything when you have more than 2 kids. Tell me here or on Facebook!