Today

It marked 7 months. I look at the calendar and just stare. Can it really be that long since I heard my Dylan laugh?

Today has been harder than I thought it would be. I woke up early to make rolls for a friend's mother's funeral luncheon. For some reason my dough never rose, so I had to end up buying rolls from the store. What is so frustrating is that I've made these rolls lots of time.

Then our Internet stopped working. The lady on the phone could barely speak English and was so annoying. Who knows when it will be fixed.

Then I went to the memorial. It was at the same church building where Dylan's funeral service was. It hit me like a ton of bricks walking in. I'm not sure why, seeing that it's where I go to church every Sunday. I could see fresh and clearly in my mind Dylan's casket. My heart broke more, if that's even possible. I'm emotionally drained and my eyes hurt from crying.

The high note of the day was my Dad's birthday. Trying to find a gift with a disorganized brain was hard, but I accomplished it.

We spent the evening with my dad and mom. We had a fun time. It ended with pizza. I've been craving it so that was a plus.

Now time to watch "Extreme Couponing". Hopefully I'll learn some new tricks.

It's been a long hard and emotional day.

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Thank you!!!

Our family would like to thank all of you that sent, emailed or dropped of letters for Dylan's stocking. We were so touched by the outpouring of service you all did. From secretly taking cookies to others, helping at a women's and children center, donating toys, helping a family move, singing at an assisted living center, donating supplies for kids in a hospital, taking the time to make gingerbread houses with all of the grandkids, helping others that had recent back surgery and instead of exchanging gifts with family members donating money to a trust fund for a family whose father was shot and killed, and many many more. We were impressed! I was surprised by some of the letters we got. Not by the act of service but by who sent letters, meaning they were very unexpected in a good way.

One little boy called the day he did his service, "Dylan Day". Kalen and I really liked that. We are hoping for an annual service "Dylan Day". We'll keep you posted for next year.

Our hearts were touched that people served others with Dylan on their minds. I'm so glad that he was remembered this holiday season by all your wonderful examples of service. Service is one of the greatest gifts we can give to those around us. We are true examples of our Savior Jesus Christ when we put other's needs before our own. We hope that as you served, you felt our Savior's love.

The past few days have been extremely difficult for our family. We miss Dylan. Lots of tears have been shed. It wasn't the same this morning with him not being here. Little things that made him laugh were hard as we didn't get to hear it this year. We decided to have a laugh for Dylan and used Kalen's two new massive Nerf guns for laughs. We had fun running around the house shooting each other.

Thank you again for helping this holiday be a little more bearable for us. You helped us by helping others. Seeing Dylan's stocking so full was wonderful.

We hope you all had a wonderful Christmas!

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Can't wait!!!!

Thank you to all of you that dropped off, mailed or emailed me "Dylan service letters". We look forward to reading them on Christmas. It means so much to us that people did various acts of service for others and were willing to share those experiences with us so we could put them in Dylan stocking. Thank you for the overwhelming response!


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From Ours to Yours

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

Dreams

I just had one if those awful dreams of not being able to find Dylan. I know parents have bad dreams about stuff happening to their kids. It must happen a lot because I'm constantly told I'm living a parent's worst nightmare. FYI - not the best thing to say to a parent whose child died.

I lay here crying. The minute I woke up my body instantly wanted to run into his room and check to make sure he was ok, but my mind and heart told a different story.

I miss my Dylan. I miss him more than words can describe. A lot of people keep saying to me that it must be especially hard right now because Christmas is coming. It is. It's not so much Christmas coming for me but time. I can't believe that 7 months ago I could have run into his room and would see him there. Where has the time gone? It's still a blur. It should be May in my world, not December.

I only way that I can try to explain how I'm feeling is that it is like a roller coaster ride. This one isn't enjoyable. I didn't wait in line for this one. I was just thrown on it without seeing the ride before hand. Right now I'm approaching the highest point of the ride, right where it's about to drop. Normally (before Dylan died) on a roller coaster I would be excited for the drop as I threw my hands in the air. Now I'm begging for the ride to stop and to go back up. I'm not ready for this drop. The weight of grief is heavy right now. Can he really be gone?? My heart wishes it wasn't true and that I could wake up from this nightmare.

I know I've said this a million times before but having your child die isn't something you "get over". It is with me everyday of my life now and will be till the day I die. I'm just trying to survive and make sense of how to function without my son in the next room, sleeping soundly in his bed.

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Ornaments

Thank you Meghan F. for these ornaments. Brianna loves her ornament!!






Thank you Christina S. for this cute ornament.



I feel loved that people thought of my sweet boy!!

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Dylan's Letters

Thank you to those that have sent cards for Dylan's stocking. (There is still time to do an act of service and get us your card.) The first ones came today. I cried and smiled at the same time. Thank you to those that have provided service to someone or others this holiday season. We can't wait to open the letters on Christmas morning.

If you want more info check the post I did on December 3rd.


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Just a thought

I saw this on another "angel's mom" blog. I had to share it.


When you loose your parents you are an orphan...
When you loose your spouse you are a widow...

But when you loose your child there are no words to describe it.

It's coming.....

The intense feeling of not being able to breathe seems to be looming. The tears flow more frequently. It's affecting all of us here. Today at school it happened to Brianna. I got an email from her teacher telling me of an incident that happened today. Her teacher started off by saying that she's never done what she did before today. They were in line getting ready to walk out of class and she heard 2 boys talking about someone crying. She quietly asked the boys who was crying and they said Brianna. So she walked down to her and asked what the matter was. With tears in her eyes she said, "I miss my brother". The 2 boys and her teacher gave her hugs and she smile and said that she was going to be okay. I'm grateful for those 2 boys in Brianna's class and her wonderful teacher. I'm sure sending Brianna the past 3 months of being in school would have been much harder if it wasn't for her wonderful teacher and great kids in her class.

A few nights ago, Kalen surprised me by asking me to please help him pick out some clothes of Dylan's that I wouldn't mind being cut up. He has asked my dear friend Kathy to make me a quilt with some of Dylan's clothes. Tears flowed heavily as I took each piece of his clothing out of his drawers and held them tight. It just seems like he'll be back and that he needs his clothes. My mind quickly raced back to each time he wore those clothes. By the time I made my way to the bin of his baby clothes I was sobbing while leaning over the side of his bed. I miss him more than words can express.

Brianna keeps asking when he's coming back. I think she's realizing that he's not coming back like he's on a trip of some sort. She still desperately pleads in her prayers to let Dylan come back safely and to give him a hug and a kiss and let him know how much we love and miss him. It breaks my heart every time.

My heart breaks as I sit in his room. Knowing that I can't keep it that way forever. Although my heart wants to, my mind says another. There is a constant struggle. The tears flow as I type this. I miss my boy. I miss hearing his laugh. we have 2 recordable ornaments on our tree. One has a picture of Dylan and the other one is a family picture. I recorded both of his laughs. Those that knew him, you know the one that was his whole body laugh and the other was the excited laugh. Can you hear it??? If you want a reminder just come listen to our ornaments:)

I can't believe that Christmas is a little over a week away. It will be so strange that morning. I can already feel it. It won't be the same not hearing him laugh as we open presents because of the tissue and wrapping paper. His stocking is still empty and it sucks.

My mind is all over the place today so trying to do this post is hard. I'm worried if Brianna's teacher liked her gifts, if the office staff enjoyed their toffee, how the heck am I going to make it through the "holidays", if I'm going to be needing an infant program and a "team" for this baby, if Isabella is really going to be the baby's name, if having the girls share a room is a selfish move on our part and if Brianna's holiday pajama party at school is going to turn out okay.

Before I forget, I want to thank all of you blog followers, whether we know each other well or not, for taking the time to read and comment on my posts. I know there are many out there that don't comment, but I want to thank you for taking the time to read about our family and what we are going through. There are a few of you that I still don't know who you are when you leave comments. Just so you know I appreciate your kind words:)

Till next time...........................

Getting Past Christmas.....Practical Tips for surviving December after the death of a loved one

I got this info at the memorial this past Sunday our family attended at the funeral home we used for Dylan. I found some of the ideas very helpful.

By Carlene Vester Eneroth

1. Buy a Christmas candle and light it each day through December.
One mother remembered, "Every time that candle was lit, the whole house seemed warmer. It was my daily, silent reminder of him and it made me feel so much better!"

2. Plan you shopping trips ahead of time or try creative alternatives.
Try shopping at a different mall or set of stores. Yes, the gifts are about the same but there aren't memories of shopping there with that special someone. Go early in the day, before bumping into all those merry shoppers. Make a specific shopping list and determine to stay within budget. In lieu of the malls, consider giving some of your loved one's treasured possessions as gifts......favorite books, cassettes, photography/art, tools, etc. Enclose a card explaining why this gift was chosen and maybe some of the background. Shopping by mail is also an option. Specialty catalogs are available for everything from sports equipment and clothes to calendars and household items. Perhaps you'd be most comfortable making out a check for each one on your list. Exchanges are not required with a check. It's always the right size and color!

3. Enlist the help of others in wrapping your gifts.
Many friends are only too happy to help, but need to be asked. You supply the paper, ribbon and tags. What if you don't have wrapping paper or can't bear to look over what you do have? Collect the colored comic pages from Sunday newspapers and use them as wrapping paper, attaching a pretty bow when you're done. Don't worry, this is the one year you can do a lot of strange things (like this) and people will accept it!

4. Consider changing your traditional family Christmas note.
Often, just putting your thoughts on paper takes more energy than you have. Other family members might add their thoughts this year. You may feel good getting to talk about your family tragedy. Feel free to include a picture or your loved one and a copy of the obituary. I did this, secretly hoping people would respond by return mail and comment on Greg's picture.

5. Give yourself permission to change family traditions.
Have you always hosted Christmas dinner? Are presents traditionally opened on Christmas Eve or on Christmas morning? Talk over possible changes with your family, asking for a new host/hostess this year. Switch time for presents. This may provide less painful memories. We often assume that Christmas means a big turkey dinner, yet many say their hardest holiday job is fixing the bird. Why? Someone special who use to help with that job or just "dug in" at mealtime is now missing. If you do the cooking, switch you main meal to ham, roast or chicken. I know one family who now serves prime rib for the holidays. It's also difficult to sit down at a decorated, food-laden feast, only to have your eye fall on the empty place now at your table. Instead of having this do you in for the day, turn your table into a buffet line. Set up TV trays for guests in the living room. Neighbors and friends would be delighted to loan you their trays if you don't have enough. Another option is making reservations out for dinner. Let someone else be the chef this year.

6.Try a new idea when you are ready to hang up Christmas stockings.
You want to hang them all up but feel a little strange about it. Tell your family that through December they each will have a note card and can use it to write a note to the person who is gone. These could be a few phrases or a whole paragraph, relating something funny that has happened, some accomplishment or how much that person is missed. Put each note in the stocking, deciding to either read these cards together on a special evening or just letting family take them our to read whenever they wish. The best plan is to make this a new family tradition by keeping the cards in the stocking from year to year . . . it becomes a mini-family diary!

7. Determine to do one special thing for someone else in December.
Decide who that will be and put the name on your calendar so you won't forget. Maybe you know someone who is hurting like you or a lonely neighbor who could use a short visit. Perhaps you could make cookies to give away (or buy them, when cooking is too much work), pick out a special card to send or take a plant to someone. One grieving family adopted a needy neighbor and spent three weeks gathering gifts and goodies to leave at their door on Christmas Eve. The season is a little easier when our eyes are focused, even for a brief time, on someone else.

8. Contribute to your favorite charity in your loved one's name.
You could choose the organization that helps the less fortunate through your local newspaper or youth organization or a church in your area. When writing the check, take time to jot down a note that introduces the one in whose memory the gift is given. It feels good to share this with special family members! One widow came up with a fantastic idea that combines the best of these plans. She went out and bought and entire outfit that would have fit her husband. She found classy jeans, a cowboy shirt, belt, socks and even underwear. Then she went home, baked his favorite cookies and put them in a small package, around which she packed the entire outfit. Wrapping it up, she left a note on it at her local homeless mission which said, Please give to a man size 33.

9. Pamper yourself this month.
Determine to buy yourself a present. It might be something you need or just an item you've always wanted. Stay within your budget as you shop. Have the store gift wrap it or enlist a friend's help to wrap it and surprise you with pretty paper and ribbon. Don't wait until the 25th to open it, but pick a particularly tough day and let the present be your reward for getting through it. This worked well for me. I had spotted a peach ski jacket while window shopping but couldn't think of a justified reason to buy it. However, working on Christmas Eve in a store with lots of happy last-minute shoppers exclaiming "Merry Christmas" was harder than I figured. Remembering the jacket, I thought, "Maybe I should treat myself today!" So I did. It felt good to put it on, thinking it's my surprise from Greg. Although I don't wear it much now, it still hangs in my closet as a silent reminder that I did make it through that first holiday.

10. Plan on taking time to cry.
It is normal to cry during the holidays. So many sights, places, aromas and sounds are instant memory-grabbers. Because it isn't healthy to hold back emotions, schedule tear times into your day. Pick a certain length of time to cry, ten minutes, maybe, or even an hour, whatever makes you comfortable. Play some old Christmas music that easily starts those tears (I'll Be Home For Christmas is guaranteed to do the job for me!) Set aside a clock or kitchen timer for your predetermined minutes and then cry your heart out. You'll find it easier to face whatever else is coming up in December when you've had your daily time for tears.

Holiday depression is common even when you aren't grieving. We hope these tips are helpful during the sometimes overwhelming Christmas season.

Copyright 1992
Revised 2004

Christmas Wish (updated)

So I've been racking my brain with ideas on how we can fill Dylan's stocking this year. I have to admit I'm not looking forward to it being empty. While I've been contemplating what we can do I remembered something I saw on another "angel mom's" blog. So, I'm asking you my fellow readers to help. This is what I'm asking you to do. Please send our family one or more act(s) of service that you and/or your family have participated in this holiday season. We will put these "service letters" in Dylan's stocking and will read them on Christmas morning.

If you would like to participate you can email me and I will email you our address.

****Update**** Some might be wondering what we would want in the letter, so here are some ideas. Just tell us about what you and/or your family did and the experience you had. Anything that you would like us to know:) If you do an act of service that's anonymous, please don't feel the need to tell us who it was for. Anonymous acts are fine too!!!!


Happy Holidays!!!!

An unexpected special gift

In the mail today was this ornament. I have no idea who sent it, but thank you. It's perfect!!! I was just telling a few people that I was on the hunt for boy angel ornaments. I wanted something to have year after year to remember Dylan.


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This made me chuckle

This Week.......

It's been one emotional roller coaster. Sunday marked the 6 month mark for the worst nightmare our family has experienced. Fast forward to today, we had our ultrasound appointment. We found out our newest addition will be a GIRL!!!!!! This is what I was secretly wanting. I don't think my heart was ready for another boy. I'm not saying I don't want a boy. Boys are great, but so soon after Dylan's death would be hard. Being pregnant is hard so soon after Dylan's death anyways.

Now I have to figure out how to change Dylan's room into a girl's room. I'm not ready to get rid of everything in there yet. That's one of the hard things about this pregnancy. His room has been his room ever since we found out we were having a boy in March 2003. I'm not even sure where to start. I know the baby won't care what her room is like for awhile, but I never want her to feel like there isn't a place for her in our home or hearts. I just need to feel like a part of Dylan is still here in that room. It was one of his favorite places in the house!!!! Any suggestions and help would be greatly appreciated.

I quickly wanted to publicly thank those that have recently listened quietly to me crying on the phone or in person, a card to let me know they were thinking of me and would be praying for me today, and for those that are still "around" and not forgetting. It means so much to me and feel grateful to know you and have the friendships I have. I am also thankful for prayer and that a loving Heavenly Father hears them and answers them according to his will. Today one of my prayers was answered.