6 Months

Really???? How have we made it? That's the thought that has been playing through my head all day. I keep looking at the calendar trying to figure out where the weeks have gone. Yes we've been living our lives, but at the same time our life is kinda stuck on "pause". That might not make the most sense, but that's the only way to explain it. Part of me keeps expecting to see Dylan coming up the walkway like when he use to be dropped off from the school bus a few years ago. It's weird how the brain works. I know that I won't be seeing him anytime soon, but I wish I could. It's hard not knowing when I'll see him again. How many years will it be?

There are some days that I look at his picture still and think to myself, he was real right? I know the answer is yes, but my heart can't process him not being here. Losing Dylan has been the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. Losing a child changes you in ways that I can't even try to explain.

This week for our family is full of emotions. It marks Dylan's passing and we find out if we are having a boy or girl. It's so weird to contemplate a new family member while one is no longer here.

I struggle on a daily basis. Simple things are still so hard to do. When will I be "normal"? I know that I will never be as I was before Dylan died. How can I? I've changed, I've grown, I've learn. Part of me wants to be able to be "on top of everything". Now it's just so draining. I want to be friendly but it takes so much energy putting on a "happy face". I mean really do you want to see me crying and puffy eyed? I didn't think so. I know it would make others feel uncomfortable.

Ever so slowly am I seeing that our new normal of Dylan not being here has become a part of us. It has affected how we do things, see things, live.

I miss the sound of Dylan's laugh when a motorcycle passes by, or the crinkling of a plastic bag when putting away groceries, or the sound of crinkling tissue paper when opening presents. Those things made us laugh. Now it's just heartbreaking.

I've come a long way with functioning. I'm not so overwhelmed when it comes to cleaning the house, doing laundry, fixing dinner. Some days those are still extremely hard to do. I know we all have days where we don't want to do those things, but it's different now for me. Believe it or not, I use to like doing those things. That sense of accomplishment and not having to worry if we had unexpected company. Now I hope that my house is presentable enough that others won't think we are slobs. I've been told that we aren't so that's good!

Most of those that know me, know that I love coupons. It's been nerve racking going to the store on most occasions without them for the past 6 months. Just the thought of cutting, organizing, rotating, finding the deals was so overwhelming. Who would have thought? It goes back, to my comment about how losing a child changes you. I lived for a "good deal" or how much I saved. Now, as long as there is food in the fridge we're good.

My dear friend, Stacie, who probably will be my best friend till the day I die, just keeps reminding me to be patient with myself. It's so hard. I know how I was before Dylan died. It's so frustrating. I still get annoyed at the question, "how are you?". I'm not sure if that will ever change. It's most annoying when asked with a cheery tone from someone that knows Dylan died. I mean really, how do you think I am. I'm surviving. That means putting one foot in front of the other just to get my child to school, fed and clothed. It means that Kalen and I are fine now just doing nothing. It means my heart is broken. Will it heal? I know it will, but what I think others fail to realize is that it will never go away. I've been told that it won't be so consuming, meaning that there will be less occasions where the weight is so heavy it's hard to breathe. It doesn't mean I've forgotten. Please don't think that's what it means. My son died and it's now a part of me. It's not a part of me that I like. I'm not sure how I'll work on making it a part that I do.

I'm grateful for Dylan and the lessons he taught me. I don't think I would have learned that Velcro could be so funny or that "fart" sounds can take your breath away due to laughing so hard. Those are just a few of the funny things that I miss about Dylan.

To Dylan, I will be eternally grateful. You've thought me so much in your 6 years, 10 months, and 4 days here on earth. I know that through this separation, I will learn more. I'm not liking that fact right now. I liked how things were before. I knew what to expect. Now I feel like I'm in a while new world without a road map. I look forward to the day that we won't be separated. I hope you are laughing and smiling. I love you Bubba, my chunky monkey!

Love,
Mommy

Thanksgiving

It was very different this year. I normally host at our house because it was just easier having all of Dylan's supplies here at home. I just couldn't do it this year. It was too overwhelming. We decided to go to Kalen's parents first and then to my parents. Two thanksgivings was a lot for us. We were emotionally drained by the time we got home and all of us instantly fell asleep.

Before heading out to Kalen's parent's house we went to the cemetery. I cried. Brianna cried. Kalen cried. It seemed really unfair that day more so than others.It was a hard day to be there, but we wanted to go. It seemed appropriate. We were gonna release 3 balloons but the helium went out of the balloons overnight. Nothing seems to go as planned this year for our family.

My brother's family left notes for Dylan a few weeks ago by Dylan's headstone. It was so sweet. I'm grateful that they haven't forgotten him. I can't describe the feeling of knowing that people take the time to go to the cemetery and visit Dylan's place there. It's very appreciated.


We miss Dylan. Kalen and I had expected Dylan to be with us for years, many more years. I basically cried from here to Marysville.

We put on our best faces, but we were heart broken inside. On such a day, that we should be grateful it was hard. We are grateful for Kalen's job, our home, our health, the knowledge that we will be able to be with Dylan again someday, the new baby on the way, and our extended family members.

It was so different not hearing Dylan's laugh or having him there with us that day or any day for that matter. At my parent's house, Dylan's place card was set at the kids table. My niece, MaryEllen, noticed and was glad that Dylan's name was there.

Tomorrow marks 6 months of that dreadful morning of finding Dylan unresponsive in his bed. I wish I could change it more than anything.

We miss you Dylan. We love you Dylan. We hope you are laughing.........

It's here

That horrible feeling of not being able to breathe is back. I can't stop crying. As I lay here trying to fall asleep my mind is racing. I'm trying ever so desperately to remember what life was like 6 months ago. It's so foreign to me. What I would give to just see Dylan and hold him, sing to him, touch him, feel the warmth of his hands. That "cold" feeling is one the worst things I've ever had to experience. It seems so unfair that he was here one minute and gone the next. The pain that I feel is unbearable at times. The giant, gapping whole in my heart has seemed to reopen. While I know it will never fully heal, times like right now are extremely difficult. My heart is breaking all over again. I keep thinking was there more that we could have done? Why didn't I rock him when I got up with him that morning when he seemed fine? Why did he have to go? Being that it "was his time" doesn't make it any less difficult. Oh the questions I have. I know that one day I will find the answers my heart desires, but it's so difficult waiting.
I watched a few videos of him laughing today on my phone. I miss it. The world is a lot less brighter to me without Dylan here with his laugh and smile. I want Dylan to be remembered. It's so hard. People who meet us now have no idea of the awesome kid that once was here as a part of out family. They don't know that my heart is aching. I so desperately want people to know. Will you remember him? Please do. He is such a great kid.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Tears

The tears are flowing a lot this evening. I miss Dylan. Brianna misses Dylan. Kalen misses Dylan. Brianna asked that I rock her and sing her a song. She was having a hard time going to sleep. The song she asked me to sing was one of Dylan's favorites. I could barely sing all three verses. Here are the lyrics:

I am a child of God,
And he has sent me here,
Has given me an earthly home
With parents kind and dear.


Chorus
Lead me, guide me, walk beside me,
Help me find the way.
Teach me all that I must do
To live with him someday.


I am a child of God,
And so my needs are great;
Help me to understand his words
Before it grows too late.
Chorus


I am a child of God.
Rich blessings are in store;
If I but learn to do his will
I'll live with him once more.
Chorus


I am a child of God.
His promises are sure;
Celestial glory shall be mine
If I can but endure.
Chorus

As we sat in Dylan's room, where the rocking chair still sits, I could hardly keep myself together. I remembered as clear as day what it was like to rock him. I miss that. I miss Dylan. I miss my sweet, sweet boy. I am so worried that I am going to have memories start to fade. I WANT to remember everything!!!! So as I sat there, I thought about what it was like to rock Dylan while at the same time trying to create and keep that memory of rocking Brianna. I'm glad our brains can do multiple things at one time.

MIA

I know I've been missing in action for a few weeks. I've been sick with a horrible cold and since I'm pregnant can't really take anything to help.

So many things have been on my mind lately. Since this is November, and Thanksgiving is right around the corner, there seems to be a sense of "gratitude" in the air. This is a hard topic for me. I've been thinking about what I am grateful for. It's hard. My list seems so short compared to others. I guess it's a natural thing for families who are grieving the loss of someone. I couldn't bring myself to post something everyday about what I am grateful for. It's not that I'm ungrateful, it's that I'm just.......who knows. Not sure what the word or words would be. So let me begin my list. Please don't think that I'm ungrateful, that is not the case.

1. My family
2. The gospel of Jesus Christ
3. This pregnancy
4. My home
5. Brianna's school and teacher
6. My ability to run even if it's only for 10 mins and being 4 1/2 months pregnant
7. My friends
8. Kalen's job
9. Those that haven't forgotten Dylan and share their memories and thoughts whether they be happy or sad
10. The occasional meals that are still brought
11. Those that have stuck around during all of this craziness
12. Stacie showing up to clean my floors and bathroom unexpectedly. (She's lucky because I was on an important phone call)

I know I'm missing things but my mind is always all over the place. I'm still not use to that. It amazes me how grief affects every aspect of my life. I've learned that there are some that still don't understand that I am different than I was 24 weeks ago. Wow...that really says 24. Can it really be that long since Dylan was here? In those weeks, I've only dreamed about him once. it was nothing profound, but it was what I needed. It was just like any day that he was here. Oh how I wish I could have that back. I'm sure there are those that can't fathom someone missing feeding tubes, therapy appointments, the daily schedule, quarterly dr appointments, reflux, medicine, and all the things that come along with raising and caring for Dylan. I had someone make the comment to me the other day that someone had told them that they couldn't understand how I felt my identity had been taken with Dylan's passing. Yes I'm still a special needs mom but the every day tasks that were my life and our family's life are gone.

I struggle daily seeing Dylan's empty room. Everything is like it has been frozen in time. There haven't been anymore dirty clothes added to his clothes hamper, the same sheets are on his bed, his closet is full of his winter clothes. I still have moments when I think he's in there when the door is closed. Then the pain floods back fast as I realize he isn't in there. It's hard to go into his room. I thought that it might get easier going in there, but it isn't. It's extremely hard. I see his empty wheelchair that sits in his room unless Brianna wants a ride around the house in it. I know when people look at Brianna she seems fine, but what they fail to realize is that she isn't. There are moments of tears and questions about why Dylan had to die, or why his brain stopped working. She tells everyone she meets, whether we're at Target, her jog-a-thon, grocery store, that her brother died. They look at her and then at me to see my reaction and then I have to confirm that it's true. Then she proceeds to tell them how he died. I wish I had her ability to be so open with others. But I've learned that not everything needs to be shared. I really still want a shirt that says, "My son, asked me about him". I want and need people to know that there is an amazing person missing from our family right now, who could make anyone laugh. I miss his toothless grin. I miss how he held his hands. I miss everything.

Grief comes in waves. It hits unexpectedly and can be triggered by anything. Thank you to those that still talk to me about him. It makes him feel still present. I hate having to talking about him in the past tense. It sucks!!!!

Coping and Managing Grief during the Holidays

Brianna's art therapist gave this handout to us. Thought I would share it.........

"The upcoming holiday season can be a challenging and difficult time for grieving children and their families. Grief can be a life altering experience and both adults and children can be vulnerable to the stress and social expectations that the holidays bring. The following suggestions come from bereaved children, adolescents, and their families. Follow you intuition and utilize those that will help you better cope with the demands of the next few months, allowing you and your family to experience a meaningful holiday season.

1. PACE YOURSELF:
Grieving people often describe physical fatigue and low motivation for activity, so choose the most important holiday traditions that still give meaning and comfort to your family. Take care of yourself and your children. Get good rest, eat healthily, exercise and resist the temptation to be caught up in a hectic schedule of meaningless activities. Talk to your child and teens; find our what holiday celebrations they really enjoy. Be selective!

2. MAKE A PLAN:
Look ahead to where, how and with whom you will spend your family holidays. It's okay to create some new traditions, i.e. taking a trip to a special setting and celebrating away from home. Do something that your deceased loved one really enjoyed and openly acknowledge that this ritual is in memory of her/him. You may want to send cards early, enclosing the funeral/memorial service program so that others are informed of your loss. It's also okay not to send cards!

3. BE OPEN TO SUPPORT:
Allow others to help you with the holiday duties. Tell your relatives and friends that this is a stressful time for you and enlist their help with decorating, cooking, and taking the children on holiday outings. Delegate, "divide and conquer" all that needs to be done so that you do not feel the whole burden of creating a picture perfect holiday for those you love.

4. EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS:
Make time to sit down with your children and teens and talk about what they will miss most about the absence of their loved one during this special time in your family life. It is normal to experience "grief triggers" during the holidays, where hearing a song, or smelling a certain food brings a rush of memories and emotions about the deceased. Don't be afraid of the sadness, longing, emptiness, and even anger that may need to be verbalized. Remember, it takes much more energy to hold back grief memories and feelings than it does to own and express them. Sharing your concerns, feelings, and apprehensions as the holidays approach with a trusted friend can be amazingly freeing and therapeutic!

5. BE CREATIVE WITH YOUR CHILDREN:
Art making, writing, music, play -all these activities are healing for the heart and soul. Engage in drawing pictures with your children of their favorite holiday memory with the deceased. Make a special ornament to hang on the tree or doorway. Write a holiday letter to the deceased and place it in a meaningful spot in your home, i.e. wrapped as a present under the tree or rolled up and tied with a ribbon next to a beloved photo of the deceased. Create a "gratitude bowl", writing down on slips of colorful paper all the memories about your deceased loved one for which you will always be thankful. Incorporate the bowl as a centerpiece at your holiday table and take time for each family member to choose a paper and read out loud the treasured memory.

Remember parents; you do not have to be, or more importantly give all things to your children. Simplify and know that it is okay to have fun even though you are grieving this important person!