6 Months

Really???? How have we made it? That's the thought that has been playing through my head all day. I keep looking at the calendar trying to figure out where the weeks have gone. Yes we've been living our lives, but at the same time our life is kinda stuck on "pause". That might not make the most sense, but that's the only way to explain it. Part of me keeps expecting to see Dylan coming up the walkway like when he use to be dropped off from the school bus a few years ago. It's weird how the brain works. I know that I won't be seeing him anytime soon, but I wish I could. It's hard not knowing when I'll see him again. How many years will it be?

There are some days that I look at his picture still and think to myself, he was real right? I know the answer is yes, but my heart can't process him not being here. Losing Dylan has been the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. Losing a child changes you in ways that I can't even try to explain.

This week for our family is full of emotions. It marks Dylan's passing and we find out if we are having a boy or girl. It's so weird to contemplate a new family member while one is no longer here.

I struggle on a daily basis. Simple things are still so hard to do. When will I be "normal"? I know that I will never be as I was before Dylan died. How can I? I've changed, I've grown, I've learn. Part of me wants to be able to be "on top of everything". Now it's just so draining. I want to be friendly but it takes so much energy putting on a "happy face". I mean really do you want to see me crying and puffy eyed? I didn't think so. I know it would make others feel uncomfortable.

Ever so slowly am I seeing that our new normal of Dylan not being here has become a part of us. It has affected how we do things, see things, live.

I miss the sound of Dylan's laugh when a motorcycle passes by, or the crinkling of a plastic bag when putting away groceries, or the sound of crinkling tissue paper when opening presents. Those things made us laugh. Now it's just heartbreaking.

I've come a long way with functioning. I'm not so overwhelmed when it comes to cleaning the house, doing laundry, fixing dinner. Some days those are still extremely hard to do. I know we all have days where we don't want to do those things, but it's different now for me. Believe it or not, I use to like doing those things. That sense of accomplishment and not having to worry if we had unexpected company. Now I hope that my house is presentable enough that others won't think we are slobs. I've been told that we aren't so that's good!

Most of those that know me, know that I love coupons. It's been nerve racking going to the store on most occasions without them for the past 6 months. Just the thought of cutting, organizing, rotating, finding the deals was so overwhelming. Who would have thought? It goes back, to my comment about how losing a child changes you. I lived for a "good deal" or how much I saved. Now, as long as there is food in the fridge we're good.

My dear friend, Stacie, who probably will be my best friend till the day I die, just keeps reminding me to be patient with myself. It's so hard. I know how I was before Dylan died. It's so frustrating. I still get annoyed at the question, "how are you?". I'm not sure if that will ever change. It's most annoying when asked with a cheery tone from someone that knows Dylan died. I mean really, how do you think I am. I'm surviving. That means putting one foot in front of the other just to get my child to school, fed and clothed. It means that Kalen and I are fine now just doing nothing. It means my heart is broken. Will it heal? I know it will, but what I think others fail to realize is that it will never go away. I've been told that it won't be so consuming, meaning that there will be less occasions where the weight is so heavy it's hard to breathe. It doesn't mean I've forgotten. Please don't think that's what it means. My son died and it's now a part of me. It's not a part of me that I like. I'm not sure how I'll work on making it a part that I do.

I'm grateful for Dylan and the lessons he taught me. I don't think I would have learned that Velcro could be so funny or that "fart" sounds can take your breath away due to laughing so hard. Those are just a few of the funny things that I miss about Dylan.

To Dylan, I will be eternally grateful. You've thought me so much in your 6 years, 10 months, and 4 days here on earth. I know that through this separation, I will learn more. I'm not liking that fact right now. I liked how things were before. I knew what to expect. Now I feel like I'm in a while new world without a road map. I look forward to the day that we won't be separated. I hope you are laughing and smiling. I love you Bubba, my chunky monkey!

Love,
Mommy