MIA

I know I've been missing in action for a few weeks. I've been sick with a horrible cold and since I'm pregnant can't really take anything to help.

So many things have been on my mind lately. Since this is November, and Thanksgiving is right around the corner, there seems to be a sense of "gratitude" in the air. This is a hard topic for me. I've been thinking about what I am grateful for. It's hard. My list seems so short compared to others. I guess it's a natural thing for families who are grieving the loss of someone. I couldn't bring myself to post something everyday about what I am grateful for. It's not that I'm ungrateful, it's that I'm just.......who knows. Not sure what the word or words would be. So let me begin my list. Please don't think that I'm ungrateful, that is not the case.

1. My family
2. The gospel of Jesus Christ
3. This pregnancy
4. My home
5. Brianna's school and teacher
6. My ability to run even if it's only for 10 mins and being 4 1/2 months pregnant
7. My friends
8. Kalen's job
9. Those that haven't forgotten Dylan and share their memories and thoughts whether they be happy or sad
10. The occasional meals that are still brought
11. Those that have stuck around during all of this craziness
12. Stacie showing up to clean my floors and bathroom unexpectedly. (She's lucky because I was on an important phone call)

I know I'm missing things but my mind is always all over the place. I'm still not use to that. It amazes me how grief affects every aspect of my life. I've learned that there are some that still don't understand that I am different than I was 24 weeks ago. Wow...that really says 24. Can it really be that long since Dylan was here? In those weeks, I've only dreamed about him once. it was nothing profound, but it was what I needed. It was just like any day that he was here. Oh how I wish I could have that back. I'm sure there are those that can't fathom someone missing feeding tubes, therapy appointments, the daily schedule, quarterly dr appointments, reflux, medicine, and all the things that come along with raising and caring for Dylan. I had someone make the comment to me the other day that someone had told them that they couldn't understand how I felt my identity had been taken with Dylan's passing. Yes I'm still a special needs mom but the every day tasks that were my life and our family's life are gone.

I struggle daily seeing Dylan's empty room. Everything is like it has been frozen in time. There haven't been anymore dirty clothes added to his clothes hamper, the same sheets are on his bed, his closet is full of his winter clothes. I still have moments when I think he's in there when the door is closed. Then the pain floods back fast as I realize he isn't in there. It's hard to go into his room. I thought that it might get easier going in there, but it isn't. It's extremely hard. I see his empty wheelchair that sits in his room unless Brianna wants a ride around the house in it. I know when people look at Brianna she seems fine, but what they fail to realize is that she isn't. There are moments of tears and questions about why Dylan had to die, or why his brain stopped working. She tells everyone she meets, whether we're at Target, her jog-a-thon, grocery store, that her brother died. They look at her and then at me to see my reaction and then I have to confirm that it's true. Then she proceeds to tell them how he died. I wish I had her ability to be so open with others. But I've learned that not everything needs to be shared. I really still want a shirt that says, "My son, asked me about him". I want and need people to know that there is an amazing person missing from our family right now, who could make anyone laugh. I miss his toothless grin. I miss how he held his hands. I miss everything.

Grief comes in waves. It hits unexpectedly and can be triggered by anything. Thank you to those that still talk to me about him. It makes him feel still present. I hate having to talking about him in the past tense. It sucks!!!!