My friend Stacie and I wanted some motivation to lose weight. So we thought why not get a few more people involved and add in some money. Well today is the first weigh in. I'm definitely not at all pleased with my weight. Yes, I just had a baby, but I'm still carrying around the weight I gained when I was pregnant with Dylan. Hopefully this will be a good idea. I don't want to be too discouraged. I can't wait to see what happens in 8 weeks. Good luck to all those that joined us!
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Sunday, May 29, 2011
One Year
This weekend has been rough. It felt as if I was reliving each dreaded moment. I reread old texts that people sent or that I sent those two days. It felt so fresh and recent. It's hard to believe it's been a year.
So much has changed. I can't believe we have a new addition to our family. We should be a family of 5 but there are only 4 of us here. I know I've said it before but I wish Isabella would know her brother not just as a person from our memories or pictures.
My heart has been so heavy. My eyes hurt from the immense amount of tears that have flowed freely the past two days. Today we gathered with friends and some family to honor Dylan at the cemetery. We had cake and blew bubbles. It was simple but so special. I want to thank those that took time out of their day to come and support us. We know that there were many who blew bubbles today in honor of Dylan. Thank you! I look forward to getting those pictures to put in Dylan's angel scrapbook.
I miss Dylan. The pain is intense. I wish he was here to wrap my arms around to hug him. To see his toothless grin would make my day. I long for the day that we will see each other again. Like my sister in law said on her facebook status "we are one year closer to seeing him."
My mind is so scatterbrained right now. I have so much I want to type but the words are not coming smoothly.
I wish I had something more profound to say on this milestone, but its painful and hard. I miss my boy and the happiness and normalcy of life. I've somehow survived this past year. While it's been a blur and seems like a crazy dream, I'm still standing and breathing. While there are many many many bumps on my path, I know with the help from my Heavenly Father, support and love from friends and family, and my sweet boy cheering me on I'll be able to keep standing.
Miss you Dylan!!! I just wish I could give you the biggest hug, kiss and raspberry on your cheek. Keep laughing;)
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
So much has changed. I can't believe we have a new addition to our family. We should be a family of 5 but there are only 4 of us here. I know I've said it before but I wish Isabella would know her brother not just as a person from our memories or pictures.
My heart has been so heavy. My eyes hurt from the immense amount of tears that have flowed freely the past two days. Today we gathered with friends and some family to honor Dylan at the cemetery. We had cake and blew bubbles. It was simple but so special. I want to thank those that took time out of their day to come and support us. We know that there were many who blew bubbles today in honor of Dylan. Thank you! I look forward to getting those pictures to put in Dylan's angel scrapbook.
I miss Dylan. The pain is intense. I wish he was here to wrap my arms around to hug him. To see his toothless grin would make my day. I long for the day that we will see each other again. Like my sister in law said on her facebook status "we are one year closer to seeing him."
My mind is so scatterbrained right now. I have so much I want to type but the words are not coming smoothly.
I wish I had something more profound to say on this milestone, but its painful and hard. I miss my boy and the happiness and normalcy of life. I've somehow survived this past year. While it's been a blur and seems like a crazy dream, I'm still standing and breathing. While there are many many many bumps on my path, I know with the help from my Heavenly Father, support and love from friends and family, and my sweet boy cheering me on I'll be able to keep standing.
Miss you Dylan!!! I just wish I could give you the biggest hug, kiss and raspberry on your cheek. Keep laughing;)
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Dylan's Angel Day
I finally planned how we will honor Dylan on his angel day. If you would like the details let me know. I'm asking you to remember my sweet boy that day. Wherever you are, can you please blow bubbles on Sunday, May 29th? Dylan loved bubbles. If you happen to think of it, please take a picture of you and your family blowing bubbles and send it to me. It will go into Dylan's angel book.
I still can't believe it's almost been a year. What a crazy one it's been!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
I still can't believe it's almost been a year. What a crazy one it's been!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Monday, May 23, 2011
6 weeks and 1 day
She's already fitting in just like her brother and sister. She wants to take over my bed. She started early;)
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
This week
Let me first start off by saying that the reason I blog is for me. Also this post isn't directed towards anyone, nor am I mad or annoyed.
I blog for a way to get what I'm feeling off my chest. I don't blog for anyone but myself. There is a sense of "freedom" when I write. It's easier than writing in my journal sometimes. With my blog I do hope that it could be a tool to help others understand what someone whose child dies feels. I say that because over the past year I've had numerous people tell me they are worried about me because of what I write. I haven't quite figured out why people are worried and what about. I've also found it interesting that people tell me that I should "be happy". Sometimes I feel like I've failed at trying to explain the pain and anguish that comes with having a child die. It's not something that a mother can turn off and on. While, yes over the past 51 weeks there have been tears, anguish, screams and heartache, there have been smiles, laughter and joy. That's life. As a family as well as individuals we are living. Taking in each day and what it brings. There are things that can be controlled and other things that can't. Grief, I've learned doesn't come with an instruction manual. There isn't an expiration date for it. I've found it interesting that people put a timeline on grief. Who in society determines it? Do we think because "we must move on" or accept what comes in life and "deal the best we can" that one must "get over it", because until that happens a person isn't truly living or happy. The judgement that I've felt from so many can be so overwhelming. I know it's not intentional for the most part but why must people interject themselves and tell me what they think I should or could be doing. I'm doing the best I can with what I have. I'm TRYING. I feel that so many fail to realize that. I get up in the morning, smile sometimes while yet my soul and heart are aching, because afterall it would make too many people feel uncomfortable seeing me cry.
We are often told to focus on "the good" and not "the bad" in our lives. Well when it comes to Dylan's life how can I not talk about one without the other? Dylan's death is part of his life. When I talk about how I'm feeling it's a way for me to talk about my Dylan since I'm rarely given the opportunity. I still haven't figured out why so many people feel uncomfortable talking about those that have passed away. I guess maybe it's because there are so many unknowns when it comes to death. Talking about our loved one is a way to still feel connected to them.
I had a wonderful visit with my dear friend, Stacie today. We laugh, we cried and we talked about our kids. All of them. Those living and our angels, Janie and Dylan. We talked about our dreams, wishes, heartache, frustrations. One thing we talked about is how women who "lose" children are often revered after they themsleves die. Why is that? People seem to be more willing to talk about how great a woman was because she lived carrying the grief of having a child die and talk more about her child after she passes. I'm not looking to be told how "great" or "strong" I am. I'm looking for the opportunity to talk about my sweet boy, now while I'm living. He is real! While he isn't physically here, he's a part of our family. I'm ever so grateful to those that let me talk about Dylan and how I'm feeling. Some of those people didn't even know Dylan when he was alive. I hold a special place in my heart for those people. Who know who you are;) Thank you to those that still share Dylan moments with me through emails, phone calls or face to face contact. There aren't enough words to express my gratitude.
As the year mark is ever so quickly approaching, I hate it. I hate that I don't get to see my sweet boy every morning, I hate that his body is buried, I hate that I can't see his smile, hear his laugh or just hold him, I hate that Isabella will only know Dylan through stories and pictures, I hate that my family isn't complete. I'm sure some are worried that I have so much "hate ". Please don't be. It just comes with the territory. Without the bad how can I see the good. I can't say I love anything about Dylan dying but what I can say is that I'm grateful I got to be Dylan's mom, I'm grateful he is part of our family, I'm grateful for the knowledge that I will see him again, I'm grateful that I've met so many angel moms that have shown me the many ways to handle grief, I'm grateful for the friendships I've made and those that have been strengthened. I'm grateful for a loving Father in Heaven who I know is watching and caring for my son until we meet again.
Please remember my sweet boy this upcoming weekend. This week seems to already hard and it's only 1:55 Monday morning.
I still don't know how we will be honoring Dylan on his angel day but will keep you posted. Any helpers?
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
I blog for a way to get what I'm feeling off my chest. I don't blog for anyone but myself. There is a sense of "freedom" when I write. It's easier than writing in my journal sometimes. With my blog I do hope that it could be a tool to help others understand what someone whose child dies feels. I say that because over the past year I've had numerous people tell me they are worried about me because of what I write. I haven't quite figured out why people are worried and what about. I've also found it interesting that people tell me that I should "be happy". Sometimes I feel like I've failed at trying to explain the pain and anguish that comes with having a child die. It's not something that a mother can turn off and on. While, yes over the past 51 weeks there have been tears, anguish, screams and heartache, there have been smiles, laughter and joy. That's life. As a family as well as individuals we are living. Taking in each day and what it brings. There are things that can be controlled and other things that can't. Grief, I've learned doesn't come with an instruction manual. There isn't an expiration date for it. I've found it interesting that people put a timeline on grief. Who in society determines it? Do we think because "we must move on" or accept what comes in life and "deal the best we can" that one must "get over it", because until that happens a person isn't truly living or happy. The judgement that I've felt from so many can be so overwhelming. I know it's not intentional for the most part but why must people interject themselves and tell me what they think I should or could be doing. I'm doing the best I can with what I have. I'm TRYING. I feel that so many fail to realize that. I get up in the morning, smile sometimes while yet my soul and heart are aching, because afterall it would make too many people feel uncomfortable seeing me cry.
We are often told to focus on "the good" and not "the bad" in our lives. Well when it comes to Dylan's life how can I not talk about one without the other? Dylan's death is part of his life. When I talk about how I'm feeling it's a way for me to talk about my Dylan since I'm rarely given the opportunity. I still haven't figured out why so many people feel uncomfortable talking about those that have passed away. I guess maybe it's because there are so many unknowns when it comes to death. Talking about our loved one is a way to still feel connected to them.
I had a wonderful visit with my dear friend, Stacie today. We laugh, we cried and we talked about our kids. All of them. Those living and our angels, Janie and Dylan. We talked about our dreams, wishes, heartache, frustrations. One thing we talked about is how women who "lose" children are often revered after they themsleves die. Why is that? People seem to be more willing to talk about how great a woman was because she lived carrying the grief of having a child die and talk more about her child after she passes. I'm not looking to be told how "great" or "strong" I am. I'm looking for the opportunity to talk about my sweet boy, now while I'm living. He is real! While he isn't physically here, he's a part of our family. I'm ever so grateful to those that let me talk about Dylan and how I'm feeling. Some of those people didn't even know Dylan when he was alive. I hold a special place in my heart for those people. Who know who you are;) Thank you to those that still share Dylan moments with me through emails, phone calls or face to face contact. There aren't enough words to express my gratitude.
As the year mark is ever so quickly approaching, I hate it. I hate that I don't get to see my sweet boy every morning, I hate that his body is buried, I hate that I can't see his smile, hear his laugh or just hold him, I hate that Isabella will only know Dylan through stories and pictures, I hate that my family isn't complete. I'm sure some are worried that I have so much "hate ". Please don't be. It just comes with the territory. Without the bad how can I see the good. I can't say I love anything about Dylan dying but what I can say is that I'm grateful I got to be Dylan's mom, I'm grateful he is part of our family, I'm grateful for the knowledge that I will see him again, I'm grateful that I've met so many angel moms that have shown me the many ways to handle grief, I'm grateful for the friendships I've made and those that have been strengthened. I'm grateful for a loving Father in Heaven who I know is watching and caring for my son until we meet again.
Please remember my sweet boy this upcoming weekend. This week seems to already hard and it's only 1:55 Monday morning.
I still don't know how we will be honoring Dylan on his angel day but will keep you posted. Any helpers?
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Insanity
Well the last few weeks have been a blur. I remember crying A LOT. I actually do that everyday. I don't have postpartum depression. It's due to the lack of sleep, crazy hormones, and grieving. My longing to hold Dylan is intense right now. I miss him so much. I'm sure most will probably think I'm a little loony after this post but I have to get my feelings out.
Isabella is a sweet baby, but trying to figure her out is hard. I keep telling myself that if I could handle all that I did with Dylan, this little 8 pounder should be easy. But it's not. I'm finding myself wondering what the heck I'm doing most of the time. Isabella will fall asleep in her carseat on the way taking and getting Brianna from school. Other than that the past few days have SUCKED. I'm on the fence about nursing. I nursed Dylan and Brianna for 6 months. It wasn't too bad. This time around, I'm dreading it. I'm constantly going back and forth about nursing, pumping or giving her formula. Of course Kalen wants me to nurse because "it's best" and it's free. He of course isn't the one that has to do it. I'm hating it. There is the constant question in my mind, how much did she get, or did she get a full feeding. I know the indicator is the amount of diapers we change a day. Oh do I change plenty. This stage of having a baby is hard. Maybe if things were different, I would have more patience, but I don't. My son died, my 5 year old is craving attention from me, and my 5 week old is so very demanding. I know what I need and wish that Isabella would do those things. I'm not enjoying this very much. I can deal with lack of sleep but a crying baby is so frustrating right now. So there are many times we just all cry together, me because I don't know what Isabella wants and know Brianna wants attention from me, Brianna because her brother died and wants her mom's arms free and Isabella.....who knows!
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Motherhood
Due to it being Mother's Day today this topic is on my mind. I remember when I found out I was going to be a mom. Its was Thanksgiving 2002. Kalen and I had only been married for 3 1/2 months. Little did I know what being a mom meant. Having a baby seemed so great. I mean they are so small and cute. Little did I know all the lessons I would learn. The following are just some of the lessons Motherhood has brought to my life.
When Dylan was born I learned patience, that babies can be 10 pounds when they are born, how to be an advocate, medical info, how to appreciate the small things in life, that I can function on an average of 4 hours of sleep a night for years and how to love unconditionally.
When Brianna was born, I learned what it was like not to have a team of doctors for my baby, what all those around me had experienced having a "typical" baby, a sense of calmness, strength, that a white noise machine was a fabulous creation, and a greater sense of love.
Now that Isabella has been born I've learned that I can love more than I thought my heart would allow, what peace can truly feel like (at times), my Heavenly Father's love for me, that it is possible that you can change at least 4 diapers in 30 mins and that I'm needed for one more precious soul. Also I can survive on less sleep than I ever thought possible. (not too well though)
I'm grateful for the blessing of being a mom. I love my three kids so much. They each have touched my life in ways I never thought possible. Although I'm exhausted physically and mentally right now due to lack of sleep, hormone imbalance, doubt, frustration, and anxiety I wouldn't change being a mom to my three kids. I know that they were chosen for me and that I have so much to learn from all three of them in the years to come.
Today is a very bittersweet day for me. I was able to hug and love on two of my kids. I can't wait for the day that I can to that with all three.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
When Dylan was born I learned patience, that babies can be 10 pounds when they are born, how to be an advocate, medical info, how to appreciate the small things in life, that I can function on an average of 4 hours of sleep a night for years and how to love unconditionally.
When Brianna was born, I learned what it was like not to have a team of doctors for my baby, what all those around me had experienced having a "typical" baby, a sense of calmness, strength, that a white noise machine was a fabulous creation, and a greater sense of love.
Now that Isabella has been born I've learned that I can love more than I thought my heart would allow, what peace can truly feel like (at times), my Heavenly Father's love for me, that it is possible that you can change at least 4 diapers in 30 mins and that I'm needed for one more precious soul. Also I can survive on less sleep than I ever thought possible. (not too well though)
I'm grateful for the blessing of being a mom. I love my three kids so much. They each have touched my life in ways I never thought possible. Although I'm exhausted physically and mentally right now due to lack of sleep, hormone imbalance, doubt, frustration, and anxiety I wouldn't change being a mom to my three kids. I know that they were chosen for me and that I have so much to learn from all three of them in the years to come.
Today is a very bittersweet day for me. I was able to hug and love on two of my kids. I can't wait for the day that I can to that with all three.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Love
The amount of love I feel for this little girl amazes me. I'm blessed to be her mom.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
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