This week

Let me first start off by saying that the reason I blog is for me. Also this post isn't directed towards anyone, nor am I mad or annoyed.

I blog for a way to get what I'm feeling off my chest. I don't blog for anyone but myself. There is a sense of "freedom" when I write. It's easier than writing in my journal sometimes. With my blog I do hope that it could be a tool to help others understand what someone whose child dies feels. I say that because over the past year I've had numerous people tell me they are worried about me because of what I write. I haven't quite figured out why people are worried and what about. I've also found it interesting that people tell me that I should "be happy". Sometimes I feel like I've failed at trying to explain the pain and anguish that comes with having a child die. It's not something that a mother can turn off and on. While, yes over the past 51 weeks there have been tears, anguish, screams and heartache, there have been smiles, laughter and joy. That's life. As a family as well as individuals we are living. Taking in each day and what it brings. There are things that can be controlled and other things that can't. Grief, I've learned doesn't come with an instruction manual. There isn't an expiration date for it. I've found it interesting that people put a timeline on grief. Who in society determines it? Do we think because "we must move on" or accept what comes in life and "deal the best we can" that one must "get over it", because until that happens a person isn't truly living or happy. The judgement that I've felt from so many can be so overwhelming. I know it's not intentional for the most part but why must people interject themselves and tell me what they think I should or could be doing. I'm doing the best I can with what I have. I'm TRYING. I feel that so many fail to realize that. I get up in the morning, smile sometimes while yet my soul and heart are aching, because afterall it would make too many people feel uncomfortable seeing me cry.

We are often told to focus on "the good" and not "the bad" in our lives. Well when it comes to Dylan's life how can I not talk about one without the other? Dylan's death is part of his life. When I talk about how I'm feeling it's a way for me to talk about my Dylan since I'm rarely given the opportunity. I still haven't figured out why so many people feel uncomfortable talking about those that have passed away. I guess maybe it's because there are so many unknowns when it comes to death. Talking about our loved one is a way to still feel connected to them.

I had a wonderful visit with my dear friend, Stacie today. We laugh, we cried and we talked about our kids. All of them. Those living and our angels, Janie and Dylan. We talked about our dreams, wishes, heartache, frustrations. One thing we talked about is how women who "lose" children are often revered after they themsleves die. Why is that? People seem to be more willing to talk about how great a woman was because she lived carrying the grief of having a child die and talk more about her child after she passes. I'm not looking to be told how "great" or "strong" I am. I'm looking for the opportunity to talk about my sweet boy, now while I'm living. He is real! While he isn't physically here, he's a part of our family. I'm ever so grateful to those that let me talk about Dylan and how I'm feeling. Some of those people didn't even know Dylan when he was alive. I hold a special place in my heart for those people. Who know who you are;) Thank you to those that still share Dylan moments with me through emails, phone calls or face to face contact. There aren't enough words to express my gratitude.

As the year mark is ever so quickly approaching, I hate it. I hate that I don't get to see my sweet boy every morning, I hate that his body is buried, I hate that I can't see his smile, hear his laugh or just hold him, I hate that Isabella will only know Dylan through stories and pictures, I hate that my family isn't complete. I'm sure some are worried that I have so much "hate ". Please don't be. It just comes with the territory. Without the bad how can I see the good. I can't say I love anything about Dylan dying but what I can say is that I'm grateful I got to be Dylan's mom, I'm grateful he is part of our family, I'm grateful for the knowledge that I will see him again, I'm grateful that I've met so many angel moms that have shown me the many ways to handle grief, I'm grateful for the friendships I've made and those that have been strengthened. I'm grateful for a loving Father in Heaven who I know is watching and caring for my son until we meet again.

Please remember my sweet boy this upcoming weekend. This week seems to already hard and it's only 1:55 Monday morning.
I still don't know how we will be honoring Dylan on his angel day but will keep you posted. Any helpers?

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