Brianna was sick right before her Spring Break, then during her Spring Break. I was really hoping that Isabella wasn't going to catch it. NO luck, Isabella spent 4 1/2 days throwing up. It was no bueno!
The month of March is kind of a blur. Things happened, but what I can't think at the moment. How sad is that? I do know that I had lunch with some of my oldest friends in the beginning of the month, we had friends over for dinner, we celebrated my nephew's 4th birthday, and there was Easter. March seemed to fly by for us.
I am looking forward to the month of April. Isabella turns 2 during is upcoming week. I can't believe it's been 2 years. It's crazy. While hanging out as a family last night, the thought came to me that "THIS" is our family. It's a weird feeling though. It doesn't feel complete. We are missing Dylan. Our family seems so different without him here. It feels like a lifetime ago. Kinda like when you think back to high school. (that's the closest thing I can compare it to). Although Dylan isn't physically here, he is as much a part of our family. We talk about him often. Share memories about him. Lessons we've learned when he was here and since he died. I am grateful that when I think of Dylan, I see him smiling. Not how I last saw him. For a long time, when I thought of Dylan, I'd see him laying on responsive while Kalen was giving him CPR or hooked up to a ventilator in the hospital. I'm so glad that my "happy" memories are coming back, because honestly, I thought they never would.
I guess that's the weird thing about grief. It is all consuming. It affects everything. Some people have amazed me with the things they have done in remembering their child who died. I wish I could say I was one of them. For me, just managing my family has been a difficult task. I still want to have a "RUN", probably a 5k, one of these days. Maybe on the 5 year anniversary of Dylan's Angel Day. There is a twinge I feel when I think of that. I can't believe that it will be 3 years next month. It still feels very surreal. There are still moments where I think I am going to wake up from this nightmare. It's bizarre. I wish I could compare it to something all would understand but I can't.
So if you've been following this blog for awhile, you might remember my post back in January, about wanting to be "better". That's my theme for the year. It's so difficult sometimes. I want to be a "better" me.....not comparing myself to others as what "better", might be but for me just to feel "better", about myself. I set a goal to be a "better" mom. So what does that mean? Well for me it means:
1) To speak kindly, even when upset.
2) To be "actively" present with my kids (this one is the toughest for me...remember grief is consuming)
3) To do fun things with my kids - I'm proud of myself because I've taken Isabella pretty consistently to Story Time at the library. This is HUGE for me. Some might laugh and think what's the big deal, but it is for me. I'm still trying to find something Brianna would like to do, but it's hard since she's in school.
4) Actually make a "complete" meal for my family like I use to before Dylan died. I'm not anywhere where I'd like to be in this goal, but cereal for dinner isn't a "normal" occurrence here anymore. The crock pot is my NEW best friend. I know some don't like them, but I LOVE it. Makes my life so much easier. I just have to make sure I have what I need before the day of.
5) Teaching my children how to "work". I usually feel overwhelmed with all the "chores" that need to be done around the house. I was telling a friend about my frustration and she shared with me something that she started doing with her kids. I think it's GENIUS -- I headed to Office Depot and bought this simple white erase board. I will pick 1 or 2 things each day for Brianna to help with with. Isabella LOVES to dust and use the handheld vacuum. She just basically shadows whatever Brianna is doing. I don't "assign" her a chore. Brianna least favorite chore is to clean the bathrooms. She loves to vacuum and wipe down the baseboards. I get loving to vacuum but not the baseboard. I guess that's the great thing about being part of a family. We all help out.
What have you found successful in helping spread the "housework" around at your house?
Tell me here or on Facebook:
Have a great weekend!
