Anxious

Have you ever known that your life was going to change in an instant?? That's the impeding feeling, I am feeling right now. Today is the last Friday of being pregnant. Life as I've known it for the past 2 1/2 years will be changing. It's scary. It's the unknown. I'm nervous about so many things.

First of all I'm worried that something is going to wrong….whether it be with my surgery or with Sophia. I know everyone tells me all will be okay, but having had a special needs child, I know that it isn't ALWAYS okay. We did do genetic testing back in July and all looked great, BUT Kalen & I both know that there a million things that they can't test for. We aren't as naive was we were when I was pregnant with Dylan. We didn't have any idea that Dylan would have the challenges he did, BUT Kalen and I both had a feeling that something was wrong but didn't know what. This time around, I'm worried something is wrong, or at least that's what I'm telling myself. It's a different kind of feeling. For the past 3 weeks I've had to do antepartum testing. While it was kind of annoying to have to find a sitter for Isabella, there was comfort in hearing her heartbeat and making sure she was moving enough. I guess I'm grateful that my blood pressure was a little high at my doctor's appointments. That's what sent me to get the testing done.

I'm worried that Isabella is going to have a VERY hard time with a new baby in the house. I've been told a million things from different people on what to do to help her adjust. I think we will just have to wait and see. She is already referring to herself as "baby Isabella" and crawling on the floor sometimes instead of walking. I had started to potty train her but decided that it wasn't that great of an idea since I'm pretty sure she would regress once the new baby is here.

I'm sure ALL moms have had this worry at sometime during their children's lives, "How am I going to be able to do it"? Kalen is taking 2 weeks off and my parents are flying  home for a little over a week to help, but what happens when they leave and Kalen is back at work? That is terrifying to me. I've at least had my parents next door to help once Kalen went back to work and I felt more confident in my mothering skills. I have a feeling that dinners will be VERY simple and that there will be MANY, MANY days in pjs. As long as Brianna gets to and from school, gets her homework done, my children are clean, feed and happy, PJ days are okay with me. I know that there is ALWAYS an adjustment period after a new baby comes home.

Another worry I have is, "What if I die on the operating table"? I know the chances are small but still it's there. I mean I have to sign a consent form with that possibility. This will be my 4th and last c-section. It sounds weird but I think I've purposefully have forgotten the recovery part. I've had a few friends who have had one this past year and they are up and moving fairly quicker than I EVER remember doing. My recovery was HORRIBLE with Isabella. I think part of it was still dealing grief of Dylan's death and having it be almost 6 years since I had had a c section. I'm hoping and praying that all goes smoothly this time around. I mean what would Kalen do with a newborn, a 2.5 year old and an 8 year girl? I can't let my mind go there, but it does. Just please pray and think good thoughts for me. I'm not sure how my grief is going to be manifested on one of the happiest days of my life. But I can feel it hiding, waiting for it to appear with full force.

I remember before Isabella was born, wondering if I could love her as much as I do my other kids. Once I saw her I was "in love". The love I instantly felt for her and Brianna and Dylan is magical! I know that I will love Sophia the moment I see her, but there is that question running through my head, "Will I have that magical moment like with the others?" Someone please tell me I'm not the only pregnant woman to think this!!!

I can't wait for Monday to come. To meet our newest family member. She will be fresh from heaven. I can picture Dylan telling her all about our family and filling her in on things that drive me nuts and things that will touch my heart. In some strange way it helps me feel closer to Dylan.

In the meantime, besides having crazy dreams, cleaning like a crazy woman, having a sore back and feeling anxious, I am going to try my hardest to enjoy the last few days with just Kalen, Brianna and Isabella.

What have you found helpful with helping calm your nerves about motherhood? Leave a comment or tell me on Facebook.

Found this article. Totally agree with it!

I saw this on a friends Facebook page and have already shared it on my profile. In case we aren't friends on Facebook, here is the link. The article is titled, "How to talk to a parent who has lost a child. From someone who has been there".

As I read the article, I felt as if I was reading something I had wrote, told some of my friends or have thought. I think it's a great perspective on how a mother feels when her child dies. Please take a moment to read it.

Happy Sunday!

Realization

As the days seem to be quickly going by, I realized that I need to cherish these last few weeks with Isabella. It will be the last time it will just be her & I together during the day. It makes me a little sad. While she keeps me super busy, I enjoy her "full of life" personality, and her sweet little voice.



She has zero idea on how our family is going to be changing in a few weeks. She sees the new crib, changing table, baby supplies and knows that they are for someone that will be named, "Sophia".



I am really interested on how she will do with "sharing" Mommy & Daddy. I think it's going to be a bumpy road for a few weeks, but I know she will get use to it. Anyone have any tips or ideas on how we can help her adjust to a new sibling?



Brianna was 5 1/2 when Isabella was born so she could understand it a little better. She LOVED having a new baby but in her words, "didn't like how busy I was with her (Isabella)". It's hard being a parent!! Making sure that each of your kids know how much you love and cherish them.



I can wait for the 25th for when my c section will be, so I can spend some quality 1 on 1 time with each of my girls. It's strange to think that this is the last time I will be pregnant, the last time I will have surgery to remove a baby, the last time to feel a baby move inside me, the last time I have a watermelon looking belly, the last time to have a newborn. As hard as it is having a brand new baby, I hope despite the lack of sleep and recovery from surgery that I will be able to cherish each moment and "live" it. Live in the moment and not look too far ahead.



I'm grateful that I am able to be a mother. I am grateful that my body has been able to carry 4 beautiful children. I am grateful for modern medicine that allows me to have c sections. I am grateful for my husband who will help with the girls at night so I can rest. I am grateful I have had wonderful friends who watch my girls for my numerous appointments I've had with this pregnancy. It has been very hard without my mom being here to help. I'm so grateful that I was able to have them right next door. It's been an adjustment while they have been on their mission. I can't believe that they will be back in less than 6 months. CRAZY!!!



So what words of wisdom do you have for this 4th time mom? Leave a comment here or tell me on Facebook:)

Friendship

So I've been thinking  A LOT about friendship lately. Sometimes finding and keeping friends in my 30's is WAY harder than junior high or high school. Definitely less drama though (at times). Since this topic has been on my mind, I asked myself, "What makes someone a good friend to me" and "How can I be a good friend in return"? I started thinking and this is what a good friend to me is:

• Someone who WANTS to be MY friend. I've had many friends over the years that I think maybe  the feeling wasn't reciprocated. Meaning I wanted or valued them more than the other way around?
• Someone who reciprocates friendly interaction. To me this means, I'm not the only one that emails, calls or text. I consider someone a TRUE friend that will initiate a relationship. We are all busy but I feel that is a relationship, whatever kind it is, needs action on both parties part. It's always hard when I feel a friendship is one sided. 
• Someone who can keep my information private and not tell the whole world. Basically someone who is trustworthy.
• Someone that is loyal (which goes along with someone that is trustworthy). This one is such a broad thing, but basically it's comes down to someone sticking up or defending me to others.
• Someone that shares with me their joys, frustrations, pain, sadness, happiness. their hearts desires, etc. 
• Someone that doesn't come around only when they "need" something from me.

I'm sure there are more qualities that I want in a friend, but at the moment those are the "big" ones for me. I hope that I am the type of friend that others look for. I truly cherish my friends. While I don't talk to some frequently enough, I know that we are still friends. 

I am so grateful for my friends both near and far. Just this past year I was able to reconnect with my long lost friend, Beth, thanks to my oldest friend, Meghan. I am grateful for their friendship and that we have been able to reconnect. I don't plan on letting them out of my life anytime soon.

We all want to have friends, but how often do we stop and think how we are "being" a friend to others. I know there are times in all of our lives where we get busy and fell out of the loop. I think true friends will most often accept our lack of action due to life's challenges thrown at us, with open arms. I hope to be a better friend to my friends that I have. I hope to have more meaningful relationships with them. Cherish your friends. Make a new one. Be someone that other people want to be around (that one is SO hard for me).

So I ask you, "What do you look for in a true friend"? Let me know here or on Facebook.