3 Months

It's so surreal that 3 months ago at this time, Kalen and I were home with the first wave of visitors coming after Dylan died. 3 months have gone by. Where has it gone? I can't believe it's been that long since I've got to see Dylan, to physically touch him, smell him, hug him.

The pain is so unbearable. I'm so conflicted sometimes. I wish I could be with Dylan but I know that Brianna needs me here to be her mom. I feel that there aren't words to fully describe what our family is going through. I feel like it's one of those experiences, you have to go through to fully understand and grasp the depth of our sorrow and pain. Of course I would never want anyone to have to go through what we are going through.

I miss my Dylan, my sweet boy.

Today has been a hard day. Brianna turns 5 tomorrow. I always envisioned Dylan being here. My dreams and plans are gone.

It's that time of year that I normally do their yearly photos. I'm dreading taking Brianna to get them done. There will be no brother/sister photo. Dylan is frozen in time on our walls while Brianna keeps growing. Dylan will always be 6 years, 10 months, and 4 days in this earthly life. I'm not looking forward to the day that Brianna passes the age Dylan was when he died.

I remember trying to fathom the future after Dylan died and what it would be like. I remember thinking that we had so much time before Brianna started kindergarten. She starts next week. I thought we'd have a routine in place by now. There is no routine. My friend Stacie has told me to be patient with myself. I don't like this new self. Disorganized, forgetful, sad, fearful of everything, and so many more things. Those that know me well, know that I was super organized before Dylan died. I had to be that way. It now takes so much energy just to get up and get going in the morning, being organized is on the back burner. I'm a different person than I was 13 weeks ago.

I haven't been able to dream of Dylan and it's makes this so hard. Kalen has been able to have vivid dreams of him. I just want to see him and hear his laugh. I'm not exactly sure why I can't dream of him. He was a constant in my life. My life revolved around him. My hope is that one night soon I'll be able to see him in a dream. I don't want him to be forgotten. Please don't forget him!

Ugh!!!!!

Today has been one of those days where most everything is hard, annoying or seem to be just plain dumb.

Brianna has been super needy today. Brianna had tons of meltdowns. I just wanted to get in the car and drive somewhere. Anywhere would have worked. Part of me can't wait for school to start but then the other part is terrified. It is so draining entertaining her all day.

The highlights of my day were Kalen returning from being out of town and a long time friend coming for a visit. Of course Brianna needed to say something or needed something every 5 secs.

I know I sound like the worst mom right now. I have no energy. Grieving takes so much out of me. I have simple goals that I like to get done on a daily basis. I'm having a hard time just doing 1 thing out of like 3. It's so hard. I hate being this disorganized, confused, forgetful, emotional, frustrated, and a bunch of other emotions at any given time. This was not the me I knew almost 3 months ago. I really don't like this new me.

Dylan's death is becoming more final and I hate it. I hate not seeing him in his bed. I hate not holding him. I hate not making him laugh. I hate so many things about him not being here. I still think by some miracle he'll be in his room. I know that there is no logical thinking at all to this. Oh I wish he was here.

Life was so easy 3 months ago. Although it was difficult raising Dylan at times, it was also wonderful. Someone is missing from our family right now. Sometimes I truly feel like I am losing my mind. I also have moments where I feel like I can't breathe because I can't take anymore. It doesn't help that I'm normally crying when I feel that way.

I may seem put together but believe me when I say that I'm a mess.
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Hard

Today the grief hit hard. Nothing specific triggered my unconsolable crying. I miss Dylan. I miss everything about him. I can't seem to get the thought of him buried out of my head. I hate this!!!! I wish he was here. Life was challenging while he was here but it was easier and I was happy compared to now.


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Running

I want to start a running group. Anyone want to start? I'm hoping to eventually do a full marathon(again, yes I know I'm a little crazy) but am far from being able to. I'm up for any distance. Come on.....you know you want to;)

I use to dedicate my runs to Dylan since he wasn't able to walk. He was and still is my inspiration. I promise we can run at whatever pace you are comfortable at.

Just think about it!!!!


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Tears, prayers and graditude

Today I have had a TON of tears. I mean where I am crying so hard I am shaking and having to take deep breaths to stop. I'm not sure what "triggered" it. I have felt better due to the fact that Kalen made the soccer phone calls letting the team know about the time change for practice Monday, my brother Brian came and fixed our wireless network, 2 people brought us meals, I got a nice message on facebook, and people actually left comments about what my talents are. Today turned out better than it started.

It started awful. I had another dream that Dylan died. I HATE those dreams. I wake up shaking and crying. It really started the day off bad. I said lots of prayers today asking for help. My prayers were answered through others today. I am grateful for that. I'm so glad that I know about prayer and that I can use it to help strengthen me when things are awful as well as good.

Thank you for those today that reached out to me. You have been a huge support today and are my "angels" on earth.

Humor me

So one of the random thoughts that just came into my mind was what are my talents. Why the thought came to my mind, I don't know. So I ask you my blog followers what do you see as my talent(s)? Yes, I know this is totally random!!!!


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Continuation of previous post

I should have included this with the other post I did earlier today.

It REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY bugs Kalen and I, that people don't think it's as sad that Dylan died since he has special needs. It is devastating to our family. Just because he wasn't a "typical" kid doesn't make it any less heart wrenching for us. You can't believe some of the things people have said to Kalen and I.

The death of a child, whether they lived 1 hour, 1 month, 8 weeks, 12 months, 3 years, 6 years 10 months 4 days, 8, 10, 12, 15, 17, 30 and so forth (you get the idea) is awful. You not only grieve the person, you grieve the "dream".

People avoid us. Not just about Dylan but all together. We NEED you to talk to us!!!

That's the last part of my vent for the day.

This week

I have to first start by saying that I'm sure that this post might offend those that are reading. This is not my intent nor is it my intent to get apologies from people. I'm not looking to do either of those things. This blog is for me to have a record of my feelings....sadness, frustration, guilt, joy, agony, heartbreak, the list goes on. I've debated starting another blog just about my new journey since Dylan's death. I actually have one created. I guess this is part of our family's story and at times I feel like it belongs here.

This week has been extremely difficult. As each week goes by, it's another reminder that Dylan is gone and it's getting longer and longer. I have thought what it is going to feel like when the time comes that will surpass how long we had Dylan with us. I know that's years ahead, but it's terrifying.Oh how I miss my sweet boy.

Our dear friend, James, put all of our videos from the camcorder tapes onto DVD's for us. I got enough courage to watch some of the videos yesterday. It was bittersweet watching them. I LOVED being able to see him and hear his vocalizations and laugh. I miss him kicking his legs in his chair. I miss seeing him "chill". I miss seeing him play. I miss his therapists. I miss our routine. I miss the stability or instability(depending on Dylan's health) of our schedule. I knew what to expect. Watching the DVD's yesterday made me realize how different I had become since becoming Dylan's mom. In the DVD's Dylan was 2 and Brianna was a baby. It seemed like it was just like yesterday. I wish it was yesterday.....he was here. His smell in his room is fading. It makes it even more difficult to go in there. I still have occasional moments where I think he's laying in his bed. But to no surprise he isn't. At times I feel my brain is crazy. Grief does crazy things to your brain, body and heart. Logical thinking is gone most of the time. I still can't clearly remember things.

People are forgetting. It's been made pretty clear, but to those that haven't thank you. Thank you for the occasional visits, random phone calls, gift cards for dinner, and support. We ate out twice last week. Who does that??? I LOVED not having to cook. Kalen has been a tropper and has helped out A LOT with dinners. I feel especially after he has worked long days at work. We didn't eat out much until a few weeks after Dylan's death. (It has taken us weeks to feel "OK" doing it) Brianna's new favorite place to eat is Olive Garden. She ate all of her meal we were impressed.

This past week, Brianna slept over at the Rogers. She had a blast. While she was over there, Kalen and I went and hung out with our friends, Judy, James and their sweet son Justin. For us it was great being able to see them care for their son, who like Dylan, was dependent on them for everything. I was jealous. They got to hold him, make him smile, change a diaper, talk about the "normal" challenges that come from raising a child with special needs. I feel as if I don't belong in that world anymore. Not because anyone has done anything to make me feel that way but because I don't have Dylan here. To those that still consider me a "special needs" mom thank you. It means so much to me.

Today I went to the Zoo with my dear friend, Stacie and her kids. I saw a family who was giving a "bolus" feeding to their child with a feeding tube. Oh how I wanted to run over and give them a hug and let them know how lucky they are to have their child here, despite the challenges I'm sure they face. Since I'm not pushing around a wheelchair anymore do I even have that right? Of course I wouldn't run up to them like a crazy lady, but I wanted them to know that I too am a "special needs" mom. I KNOW at least can understand what their normal is.

This week has really tested my mental capacity at times. I about had a complete breakdown when I couldn't get ahold of Stacie who let Brianna spend the night with her kids. The thoughts that were going through my head were crazy. Was she okay? Did she die? Did they all die? Oh the horrible the thoughts my mind was thinking. I'm telling you grief messes with all aspects of your life. Although I am grateful for my grief, there are time when I wish it would go away and other times when I am glad I it's still here. Can you believe it's been 10 weeks today? 10 weeks.......if I were to count backwards from when Dylan was alive it was in the middle of March. Things were normal. We had just started adjusting his seizure meds. We were hopeful and glad that we had done the colonoscopy and endoscope for Dylan. It allowed us to ween him off a med that was causing all sorts of problems. I had just run a half marathon and was training for another. Little did I know my life would be so different 10 weeks later and now 20 weeks later. It's crazy!!!!!!! 20 weeks ago we celebrated my nephews 1st birthday. Has Dylan's death put "time" in a different perspective for you? It has for me and my family. I can imagine what life will be like in the next 10 weeks. It will probably be like it has been for the last 10 weeks......long and short at the same time, a blur, periods of severe sadness, grief, despair, a little bit of joy thrown in(I still don't know how it's possible that I find myself laughing at things.....), tears.

One question that keeps coming to mind based on things people have said is that they really think that I'll get over this. Let me just say, THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. I WILL NEVER GET "OVER" LOSING DYLAN!!!!! You may see me smile, or be "put together" at different places, but just to clarify I am screaming inside. My heart is broken. My son died. I don't expect people to understand exactly what I am going through, but I am not "Happy".

I still worry everyday what am I going to do when Brianna starts school in a month. I don't have A LOT filling my time. I WANT, I NEED to be around my special needs friend's kids. I miss the "daily" grind. I miss diaper changes, I miss feeding tubes, I miss talking about OT, PT, Specialized Instruction, Music Therapy, Speech Therapy, Vision Therapy, stupid school districts, IEP's, taking on the system, IHSS, Respite (insane workers), Nurses, the list goes on. I need to be involved. Why do I have such a strong feeling that I need to be doing something in the Special Needs Community? I want it to be something that brings about good and is truly helpful. My brain has been trying to work on ideas amidst going crazy.

The other thing that has been bugging me is that our grief counselor suggested that we have Brianna do "intensive play" therapy. I guess I don't see what she thinks she sees. I plan on asking her tonight why she is suggesting that. Most of the time Brianna is "fine". Yes there are bouts of crying, but I have that too. Most of the time she is fine, not like me but understandable.

Well I better go get the black streaks off my face from my mascara that have run down my face due to crying. What was I thinking? I haven't worn mascara in 10 1/2 weeks!!!!

I LOVE......

this guy. He is such a great dad. This is how I found them when I woke up from my nap.


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Words with friends

If you have this app add me. My username is MomofTwo. I need more people to play games with to help the time pass!

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