3 Months

It's so surreal that 3 months ago at this time, Kalen and I were home with the first wave of visitors coming after Dylan died. 3 months have gone by. Where has it gone? I can't believe it's been that long since I've got to see Dylan, to physically touch him, smell him, hug him.

The pain is so unbearable. I'm so conflicted sometimes. I wish I could be with Dylan but I know that Brianna needs me here to be her mom. I feel that there aren't words to fully describe what our family is going through. I feel like it's one of those experiences, you have to go through to fully understand and grasp the depth of our sorrow and pain. Of course I would never want anyone to have to go through what we are going through.

I miss my Dylan, my sweet boy.

Today has been a hard day. Brianna turns 5 tomorrow. I always envisioned Dylan being here. My dreams and plans are gone.

It's that time of year that I normally do their yearly photos. I'm dreading taking Brianna to get them done. There will be no brother/sister photo. Dylan is frozen in time on our walls while Brianna keeps growing. Dylan will always be 6 years, 10 months, and 4 days in this earthly life. I'm not looking forward to the day that Brianna passes the age Dylan was when he died.

I remember trying to fathom the future after Dylan died and what it would be like. I remember thinking that we had so much time before Brianna started kindergarten. She starts next week. I thought we'd have a routine in place by now. There is no routine. My friend Stacie has told me to be patient with myself. I don't like this new self. Disorganized, forgetful, sad, fearful of everything, and so many more things. Those that know me well, know that I was super organized before Dylan died. I had to be that way. It now takes so much energy just to get up and get going in the morning, being organized is on the back burner. I'm a different person than I was 13 weeks ago.

I haven't been able to dream of Dylan and it's makes this so hard. Kalen has been able to have vivid dreams of him. I just want to see him and hear his laugh. I'm not exactly sure why I can't dream of him. He was a constant in my life. My life revolved around him. My hope is that one night soon I'll be able to see him in a dream. I don't want him to be forgotten. Please don't forget him!