Funk

I guess that's what it is. I don't know how to explain it. I liked being "naive" in a way before Dylan died. Life wasn't so harsh for me. I still have moments that I can't think straight. I'm disorganized and that frusterates me. It's not like I can just turn on my "organization" switch. Believe me I wish I could. I'm really trying to be "happy" but it's hard. I'm trying..... I mean if I wasn't trying to "live", do you think I honestly would train for a marathon. Training for a marathon is one of the hardest things I've ever physically done. It's so much harder this time around since Dylan died. I ran 16 miles yesterday. Yes!, you read that right....16 miles. While I was alone with my thoughts for 2 hours and 40 minutes, lots of thoughts were going through my head. One was why the heck am I doing this??? The only answer I could come up with is that I have to be "dedicated" to training and since I feel like my life is out of control, running gives me a strange sense of control. I wish I could get that feeling somewhere else. My feet would probably appreciate it if I could. I'm not sure what I'm trying to prove to myself, but it's definitely something. Only 8 more weeks until the race. I can't wait. I'm nervous more this time around than the other two full marathons I've run. It's probably because I'm in a different place in my life. So here's to hopefully not having more blisters, chaffing in not so pleasant places and to a get a new PR (personal record) for a marathon:)

Identity

I know people will probably think Im super lame after this post but honestly I don't care.

Where do I fit in? That's been the question weighing on my mind. I feel like I've lost all my "special needs" friends. I know what their lives are like. I lived it. I just don't get to live that anymore. My friends with "typical kids" are busy too. I have a hard time fitting in their world too. Then there are my "angel" friends. I feel like I fit in with them at times but since each of us deal with our grief differently we are at different places.

I just found out that my best friend will be moving away. I'm bummed because she has been there through this awful roller-coaster of emotions. I know she won't be far but it's not going to be the same.

Those that know me well know I HATE change. Good or bad. It's not something I enjoy or look forward to. Im grateful telephones exist, because if they didn't I'm not sure what I would do.

So here's to me finding my way through the misty road I've been traveling on and that I can make it over this boulder that has been put in my path in one piece.


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