Did you forget???

Its December 22nd. Christmas is almost here and Dylan's stocking is empty. For the past two years we have a bunch of letters by now. If you've done any acts of service big or small, we'd love to hear about it. Even if you want to remain anonymous. Email me your stories. My email is francescabjurstrom@sbcglobal.net




Im seriously begging you. My heart is aching......


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Magic and bittersweet

We finally got our tree. It isn't decorated yet though.


Hopefully by tomorrow it will be. I'm loving having the smell of a fresh Christmas tree. It's magical.

This year is so different. My parents are on their mission. We wont be seeing them for Christmas Eve or Christmas. Its very very strange.

We moved into their home to watch over it while they are gone. Lots of changes for our family. It's weird being back in the home I grew up in. There are moments where I think one of them will walk into a room. The wall colors have changed and my parents are gone but there is still a comfort for me being here.

It was hard leaving the home moved into after we got married, we brought all of our kids home to after they were born, where we celebrated birthdays, anniversaries, various holidays and where Dylan last was. It was bittersweet leaving. I know I NEEDED a fresh start. Moving is a pain but at least it's too somewhere I find comfort and peace.

If you'd like our new address email me at francescabjurstrom@sbcglobal.net

I miss Dylan A LOT right now. Maybe it's a combination of moving, the holidays or just grief. Hold your children tight. Love them. Be kind to them. You never know when that might be taken from you.

I hope you and your family will find peace and joy during this season.





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Dylan's stocking 2012

Im hoping to spread the word early this year. To keep up with our annual tradition since Dylan died, Im asking my fellow blog readers and friends on Facebook to help fill Dylan's stocking with your acts of service. Spread the word! Ask your family and friends to share their act of service with us.

Some service acts of years past were caroling at an assisted living place, handing out socks to the homeless, being a friend, taking meals to someone in need, forgoing family gifts to help a family in need, etc. The list goes on and on. So Im asking you this holiday season, after you preform your acts of service if you could email (francescabjurstrom@sbcglobal.net) or mail (our address has changed, so make sure you have the correct address) me what you did. If you prefer to keep it anonymous, that's fine too. We put the letters we receive in Dylan's stocking and read them on Christmas. We take a few with us to the cemetery on Christmas Day and read them there.

Our hearts have been touched by the many examples of service that our friends, family, blog readers, Facebook followers, and strangers have done and shared with us.

Will you and your family please help us fill Dylan's stocking this year???

Watching his stocking overflow with acts of service is a gentle reminder to us that he is still remembered by others.

Holidays are really, really hard since Dylan died. It's a painful reminder he isn't here to enjoy the holidays with us. Having his stocking filled with letters and emails is such a touching sight.

Thank you to those that still remember our sweet boy and help make the holidays a little less painful and help strengthen our grieving hearts.



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Thanksgiving 2012

It's definitely weird this year. I miss Dylan. I miss my parents. We are on our way to have Thanksgiving dinner with Kalen's family. Im grateful they are close enough so we can celebrate holidays with them too!



(almost there)

Thanksgiving is a tough holiday since Dylan died. It's hard to focus on all the "good" things in my life, when my heart STILL has a gaping hole. So today Im focusing on what I'm thankful for. Im trying......

Here's my list of just a few things Im grateful for (in no particular order).

Kalen
Dylan
Brianna
Isabella
My parents - Richard & Cherie
My brother Brian and his wife Lori
MaryEllen, Henry, Emmett, and Finnley
Kalen's parents - Terry & Vicki
Kalen's sister - Kaci (and her husband Dave)
Kalen's brother - Kyle
My testimony of my Savior Jesus Christ
My parent's example and willingness to serve a mission.
My home
Kalen's job - Im grateful that he has one that provides for us and all our needs and wants

What are you thankful for today??? Let me know here or on Facebook:)



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One of those days......

I seriously want to pull out my hair!! It's been one of those days. My kids are testing my patience beyond my limits. Being a mom is hard today! Trying to get stuff accomplished has been a nightmare. Isabella has been waking up in the middle of the night screaming. At first I thought it was teething or a possible ear infection, now I think she just wants my company. After an hour and a half of her half crying and screaming she finally went back to sleep. Of course I had to wake her up to take Brianna to school, so she's been off schedule ALL day.

So I'm crossing my fingers I will have enough patience to deal with the fighting, whining and crankiness. I'm also hoping for at least 7 straight hours of restful sleep. Hopefully it won't just be wishful thinking:)

My parents left last Friday for their mission....18 months seems so long. We hope to be able to visit them next summer for a few days. It's been the hardest on Brianna. She misses them. I'm grateful for FaceTime. It's so nice to see them and hear their voices.

I'm hoping I can have enough patience till Kalen gets home. Otherwise my sweet children will be spending the rest of the afternoon in their rooms..


Please tell me I'm not the only mom that isn't a HUGE fan of late afternoon/early evening.....

Love it!

Im LOVING this weather today. It's just the right temperature. Im not a huge fan of rain during the day, but seeing that I still get to have the sun for the afternoon I'll take it. The wind is a tad annoying but at least it's not hot. I really LOVE this time of year.

I need to get rain boots! My blog readers, what kind and where did you get yours??

-Francesca



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Today

It's one of those days where I just want to crawl back into bed and pull the covers over my head. Im tired...mentally, physically and emotionally.

I made an attempt to workout. That meant putting on my workout clothes. I ended up helping my Mom with something and now the motivation to go has magically disappeared. Does that ever happen to you???

I have SO many things to do today, and yet don't have any motivation to do them.

Isabella decided to take a morning nap so maybe I should take advantage of the situation. But which do I choose....sleep or my long list of things to do.

I'm emotionally drained today. Lots of changes are happening. (I'll save that for another post)

On a more positive note, I loved the comments you guys left here or in Facebook about what you are grateful for. It made me happy!

Happy Thursday everyone.

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Motherhood

When I was little I dreamed about being a mom. I wanted lots and lots of kids. I mean like 10 kids. I think that idea stemmed from having only 1 brother. We were so close growing up. Yes we had our fights, but we were buds. I missed him when he'd spend the night at a friends house or go on a scouting overnighter. I always wished I had someone else to play with when he was gone. I figured if I had lots of kids, no one would get lonely.

As I got older, the number dwindled from 10 to 8 to 6 to 4. We currently have 3. Could I handle one more? Can my heart love again? Those questions weigh heavily on my mind.

Motherhood is SO hard somedays and what seems like a piece if cake on other days. I am grateful I am able to be a mom. To be able to experience loving and caring for someone besides myself. I am SO grateful for my kids.

Dylan taught me so many things. I learned patience, the ability to dig deep within myself and fight for him because he couldn't, to love unconditionally, to appreciate the small things. I found so much joy in Dylan. He loved simple things. He LOVED wrapping tissue paper. Who would have thought such a simple thing could bring hours of laughter. I learned to appreciate the sun rise and that I would be able to take on whatever the day would bring. I learned that Dylan despite all of his challenges was happy. He knew he was loved. I learned that the dishes could wait and that just holding him when he was having a bad day to make all the difference in the world. I learned to be less judgemental of others based on what they looked like, how they dressed, how they talked. He taught me how to love like I had never loved before.

I remember after he was first born as I held him in my arms, that he was here. He was perfect. He was mine as a gift from a loving Heavenly Father who entrusted me into his care. When Dylan started having complications 12 hours or so after birth I remember my heart aching. How quickly I had fall in love with my sweet boy. I would have given my life for him.



Fast forward 16 months and I found out that I was pregnant. I was hoping for a girl. Brianna was an answer to my prayers. She was perfect in every way. I remember holding her after she was a few hours old and being overcome with emotion. She was here. She was mine. Another gift. I was adamant in my mind that she would not have a neurologist, an infant team of therapists (even though I have a deep love and affection for all those who have worked with Dylan....I didn't want to deal with it) or have to deal with the ALTA Regional Center in any way. I remember when she didn't pass the newborn hearing test at first. I was overcome by fear. I didn't want to deal with any more doctors or therapists. That was my journey with Dylan. Brianna's had to be different. It just had to be. They tested her the next day and she passed with flying colors. Brianna has taught me that there is so much good and kindness in the world. She came to our family with a calmness. She has taught me to think about how someone else might be feeling. She has taught me to laugh. Especially after Dylan died. She was the one here who forced me to get out of bed and to take my grief head on. She has taught me how to be kind. She taught me what it's like to have a "typical" child. She is such a sweet girl with an amazing spirit and personality. I always hear how sweet she is from others. her current teacher told her and I that "Brianna has an old soul". i believe it. I don't think it's anything Kalen or I did, its just her. She was always sweet and kind to Dylan. She loved helping with her big brother who needed lots of caring. I can see her as a nurse or a therapist when she's older. She LOVES helping people. My heart must have expanded after Brianna was born, because I once again, I loved like I had never loved someone after she was born.


Then comes Isabella. She came during the storm of our family's life. I thought she would be a calmness to us, but she has brought something much different. She has brought an energy our family has never before. I have learned A LOT from her. I've learned that although life is hard that it can be filled with goodness and sweetness at the same time. She has helped my heart to love again. After Dylan died I didn't think I'd ever be able to love another child if one came to our family. I didn't want to go through the heartache again if something were to happen to her. I have learned to love again. Not only her but our loving Heavenly Father. Through her I've learned to trust again. To cherish sunrises and to take on the day, whatever will come. I know I have lots to learn from her but the few things I have learned in her short 18 months are huge for me.


While there are PLENTY moments where I wish I could curl up and read a book (usually on parenting and family dynamics), go to the bathroom without an audience, take a nap, and not have piles and piles laundry to do, Im grateful that I have been given the opportunity to be a mom.

My kids have made me better. They have helped me grow. Im grateful for them and the lessons I've learned.

What are you grateful for???? Leave a comment here or on Facebook. Im curious!

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Traditions

We started a new tradition tonight at the dinner table. We all took turns saying nice things about each person in our family. Im hoping to build all of our "emotional banks" with "deposits" and help have a kinder and sweeter spirit in our home.

Some nice things of what was said.....

Brianna about Kalen - that he went and worked hard today (he stayed home sick since he has a horrible cold and sore throat) and then changed it to helping her with her homework. Ha!

Brianna about Isabella - that she wasn't crazy today

Brianna about me - that I spent time with her today

I can't wait to see what we will share tomorrow.

What traditions do you have in your families?


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Trying something new

So how many of you are ADDICTED to Pinterest?? I could spend hours and hours on there. I'm proud to admit that I have actually tried a few recipes but still have to attempt all the crafts and sewing projects.

With that being said, I found this idea. I thought it is a great idea. I'm hoping Brianna will enjoy it too!
I'm writing the first message today. Hopefully it will be something that lasts for years. I can't wait to see what is on her mind.

Here's a picture of our book:



I was out running errands with Brianna last week and I was explaining to her what I wanted to do and asked if she wanted to do it. She LOVED the idea. So together we picked this notebook from the $1 section. I made the label for the front. I figured out how to download a font and install it. I'm SUPER proud of myself.....it was easy.

I'm hoping this notebook will be filled with love, secrets and wishes.....

I can't wait to see what she writes to me.

What things do you do to strengthen the bond with your kid(s)?

What Pinterest ideas have you done?



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Pick up

I know I'm not the first, nor will I be the last mom who deals with this problem, but picking Brianna up from school is a nightmare with Isabella's nap time.

Today Isabella fell asleep in the car and woke up when a mom introduced herself to me. I hope I came across friendly because inside my head I was screaming, "Please don't talk to me, at least not today." I knew Isabella would wake up. Sure enough she did. It's 4:00 and she finally decided she'd take her nap. I wonder what time she'll go to bed tonight. I'm crossing my fingers it won't be too late.

Now to figure out what the heck is for dinner. It might be a "cereal for dinner" kind of night. You have those in your house, right???

Ah......the joys of motherhood.


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Fall where are you??

I'm not really sure what the rest of the weather is like outside of Northern California, but I do know its HOT here. I'm so ready for fall. It's one of my favorite seasons.

Here's my top 15 reasons I love fall:
1. Apple Pie
2. A family trip to Apple Hill (getting apple donuts while there's Maybe I should make that number 3)
3. Leaving the windows open pretty much all day.
4. Being able to wear my Uggs.
5. Sweaters
6. Pumpkins
7. Sweaters and jeans
8. Hot chocolate
9. The changing colors of the leaves.
10. Watching Brianna get excited for trick or treating
11. Thanksgiving
12. Cold morning runs
13. The cooler temperature
14. My favorite tv shows are back from the summer hiatus.
15. Soup and casseroles. Yummy "comfort" foods

What are your favorite things about Fall?

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Something to think about

Since I'm wide awake (see previous post) I figured I should take a minute while its somewhat quiet to write about something that has been weighing heavily on my heart. EVERY TIME I hear it I cringe. I've already shared my feelings with a few people hoping to educate them and now I'm letting the world know. (or at least my blog followers) I expect that many wont understand or see what the big deal is, but just read my feelings and possibly try to understand.

I HATE the word retard or retarded. It is now used in everyday language. How many times have you heard someone else or yourself say, "you're retarded, that's retarded, he/she's retarded, I'm retarded"?? I know growing up I said it. I also remember my mom telling me not to do it. I didn't understand what the big deal was. Well fast forward about 10-20 years and I finally understood. I learned it firsthand.

Did you know that one of the diagnosis Dylan had in order to get services was Mental Retardation?? It's a medical term but society has made it a derogatory term or word. I don't like that it was one of the many diagnosis's he had, probably because I know how cruel the world can be.

I'm not sure if I ever posted about this incident before but it makes me sick. One day about 7-8 years ago, Kalen took Dylan to the grocery store. Dylan was pretty little. Kalen was proudly pushing Dylan in his wheelchair, since Dylan didn't have the muscle strength to sit in a shopping cart. Well he went to one of the many grocery stores that surrounds our home. It was a short list because its nearly IMPOSSIBLE, to push a wheelchair and shopping cart at the same time. I've done it, so I know how INCREDIBLY difficult it can be. Anyhow....Kalen went to the end display to pick up some bagels. It was "around" the corner of the isle where he left Dylan. Let me state that Kalen could still see Dylan. Two guys (high school/college age) came up to Dylan and were poking at him and saying, "look at the @*•@ing retard". Dylan started screaming. Kalen became infuriated and once those high school/college kids saw Kalen with a loaf of French bread (closest thing he could grab) in his hand they ran out of the store. What kind of person does that to anyone, especially a child??? Dylan was about 1 1/2 when this happened. That's Isabella's age in a few days.

I've learned that people can be cruel and hurtful. I also know that people can be kind and loving. I know that those that use the "R" word, probably have no clue how inappropriate and hurtful it is. My hope is that "good" will prevail the "evil" - the rudeness, the unkindness, the discrimination and it will be replaced with a new found level of love and kindness.

I was reading on one of the blogs I follow about her feelings about the use of the word retard. You can find her post here. It's about halfway through her post. I LOVE how she expresses her feelings, much better than me. Please read her post.

So I ask, just as Kelle did on her blog, remove the word "retard" and "retarded" from yours and your family's vocabulary ASAP.

Be kind and gentle to ALL those around you! I just don't understand how anyone could be mean to my sweet little boy who was different.....




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Sweet child of mine

I woke up an hour ago, thanks to Isabella. She couldn't find her beloved blanket. I went in and had to turn in the light to find it. (Worst thing to do, but it had to be done.) It was falling out the back side of the crib. I changed her diaper and rocked her for a bit. 60 mins later she is still awake rocking back and forth in her crib. What a silly girl......

It's going to be a LONG day. Hoping for an early nap:)


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So.......

I had a good talk today with my dear friend, Kasie, while sitting at a birthday party for one of Brianna's friends. I'm grateful for that chance. I LOVE that I can laugh and cry with her. We met after Dylan died, so she just knows me as CRAZY Francesca. (She tells me I'm not crazy though....I sure beg to differ) I am grateful for the friends that have opened their hearts to me and have accepted me the way I am. I told her that I want to open my own business. Not sure of what but that is one of the goals on my list before I die. Anyone have any ideas??? The other thing I told her is that I want to write a book. I'm sure some of your are laughing as you read that. Not sure what it will be about or if it would even make it to print, but its a goal of mine. Any ideas of what I could write about???

I received a text from another dear friend, Linda, today that said, "Been thinking of you and your beautiful family today being the 29th. xxx" The strength and love I feel from friends that remember that certain dates on the calendar, month after month, suck for our family, have helped my heart heal, the best it can.

Today has been weird. It marks another month since Dylan died. 28 months... My life is so different. Imagine waking up one day and life as you know it is gone. I don't have to "fight" to get services and "equipment" for my child, no medicine is given on a daily basis, no therapy appointments, no teacher coming to our home, no lifting my child out of bed everyday to a wheelchair, no worries about how many or how long seizures have been in a day, no one who laughs and loves "raspberries" on their cheeks, no listening to jazz music, or an array of Greg & Steve cd's, or Bessie's beautiful voice. Those are all too painful to listen to now. Maybe one day. I know some view that not "doing" those things, must make life so much better (can you believe more than 1 person has said that to Kalen or I????) but it doesn't. I miss hugging my sweet boy. I miss knowing he is sleeping safely in his bed. I miss rocking him. I miss singing to him. I miss seeing him, sitting in his wheelchair, kicking his legs to his favorite music. I miss his laugh. I miss seeing his sweet face. I miss seeing his smile. I miss hearing his incredible laugh. I miss his hair. I miss brushing his teeth. I miss getting him dressed. I miss his "team" of teachers and therapists. I miss his voice. I miss him waking up in the middle of the night and for me to help him get comfortable. I miss him taking his feeding tube out and formula going in the floor. (REALLY?!?!?, YES!) I miss our family being "whole". I miss being able to hold Dylan. He wouldn't fight me hugging on him like Isabella. Once she's gotten a hug or a kiss, she's ready to go. No snuggling on the couch for her. She's got things to do and places to see. Brianna is like Dylan that she likes to cuddle but of course when it's convenient for
her. Dylan would sit with Kalen or myself for hours and enjoy it! I miss seeing him get excited when Kalen came home from work.

It seems like a lifetime ago that he was here. To think that 2 1/2 years ago, normal was good. Normal had it challenges, but we were happy. We were whole as a family here on earth. Now it always feels as someone is missing. Words can't describe how sucky it is.

As much as I try to push the 28th and 29th out of my mind each month, they find their way to creep in. I made a promise to myself that I would help someone on one of those days to help me focus more on others. I'm so glad that my friend, Danielle, asked me to do her a favor. I woke up early and drove her and her two adorable kids to the airport. She is sworn to secrecy on how scary I look early in the morning. Just that simple act helped my heart.

When Dylan was alive, everyday was filled with service caring for him. I miss doing that. I'm not sharing my act of service as a way to boast about myself but to honestly say my day started out much happier. It gave me a reason to get up today. I seriously have a heavier heart on the 28th and 29th. So Danielle, thank you for letting me help you!

I know we've all heard it before but seriously just smile at someone as an act of service. You never know how that could brighten my day. For me it was the opportunity, a conversation and a text that helped make today bearable. I'm blessed with wonderful friends.

So.....what's tomorrow going to bring???


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So TRUE!!!

I can't stand all the political posts on Facebook or others shoving their point of view down my throat. I know who I am voting for and nothing will change that. So with that being said, I find this funny!


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An overwhelming wave

This morning after dropping Brianna off at school, Isabella and I headed over to the gym so I could workout and have some "me" time.

Isabella LOVES the kids club which is a HUGE relief. Trying to go early in the morning or after Kalen got home just wasn't working so I wasn't working out much. I feel so much better about myself too!! And some days I even have more energy. Yay!!

So this morning in the way to the gym, I saw a fire truck and an ambulance parked in front of a house. I knew that since there weren't a TON of police cars, that it most likely wasn't a child that was being treated for being unresponsive. I was still so overcome with grief. Tears streamed down my face. Images of that dreadful day flashes before my mind. I said a quick prayer for whoever was being treated that all will be well and continued driving on. It made me wonder if my neighbors wondered what was going on that dreadful day back in May 2010.

I know it might seem silly to some, but seeing an ambulance and fire truck in front of someone's house has always brought me a horrible feeling ever since the last time Dylan had to ride in one. I know they are there to help someone but it doesn't matter. It causes me stress, anxiety and heartache.

So I'm not sure what the point was of this post, but I ask that if you see a fire truck or ambulance coming pull over and get the heck out of the way, so whoever they are treating or transporting can have a chance to survive.

Since I wasn't allowed to ride in the ambulance with Dylan I have no idea how the drivers were that morning they took him to the hospital.

Grief is my enemy and friend. I HATE it, but its also am use to it. I'm just barely able to remember happy times with Dylan and not completely breakdown. I MISS him SO much. It's going to be 2 1/2 years soon and our life is so different. People who were such a support have now disappeared and trying to make sense of that is hard. I am SO grateful for my three closest friends. SJ, HK, and AT, I wouldn't have made it these past years without you!!! Especially this past year. Thank YOU!!

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July 2012

So I'll begin where I left off.........

The 4th of July came and went. It was a fun holiday. The thought of Dylan laughing when we were watching the fireworks was something I thought about. There are moments that I feel his sweet presence and for some reason that night watching fireworks was one of those times. There was a stinging ache in my heart. As I looked around at my family that night, it was incomplete. Oh how I wish I could hold him in my arms and sing to him. It's painful still, to sing songs such as Itsy Bitsy Spider, I am a Child of God, and pretty any of the Primary Songs from Church. I'm much better about savoring the moments as I put Brianna and Isabella to bed each night. I personally know that in an instant everything can change.

July continued on. Here's a few photos from that month.












Brianna had to get two fillings. Not because she had cavities but because of the way two of her teeth formed. She was so nervous but did great!



Brianna participated in a kids 1/4 mile race at East Lawn. Here she is at the starting line.


She did GREAT. She came in 1st place. That was her goal. Kalen & I are so proud of her.


I ran my fastest 5k that day. I was SO happy and proud of myself. Kalen & the girls waited patiently for me to finish.









One thing I LOVE about summer and that I am able to stay home with our children, are lazy summer mornings. Those that have known me a long time or REALLY know me, know that I LOVE routine. But when it comes to summer our routine went out the window. One morning we found a dragonfly on our patio screen door. I was too scared to touch it, but Brianna LOVES bugs and insects. So of course she had to touch it. I hoped it wouldn't fly at me. She's definitely more like Kalen than me in that way.





Since Dylan died, July is an extra hard month. This year Dylan would have been 9. I try to imagine what he'd be like. Would he still find Velcro and tissue paper hilarious?? Would he love my raspberry kisses? Would I still be able to carry him? How bad would my back be hurting since I know we still would have had to carry him? Would he find Isabella as funny as the rest of the family does? How crazy would our household be with Dylan, Brianna and Isabella living in it at the same time? Would he have been better at holding his head much, sit independently, still love Mac & Cheese and oatmeal, still have 3+ therapies a day? Would life be as I remember it was? I was happy!
On July 25th, we met with my parents, brother and his family and our good friends the Thomander's at the cemetery. We wrote messages to Dylan on the balloons and sent them upward.














We had got there later than planned so we didn't have as much time as we wanted there. The security guard was patiently (sort of) waiting for us to leave. Kalen loaded the girls in the car and as everyone else drive away, I stood by Dylan's grave and let him know how much I love him and to help his cousin Finnley finally come to earth. I had been so anxious during my sister in law's pregnancy that Finnley would be born on Dylan's birthday. At that moment of whispering the feelings of my heart, I was overcome with a feeling of peace. Peace isn't something I have felt very often since Dylan died but for a brief second I felt it. If Finnley made his appearance on July 25th, I'd be okay. I just knew it. My sister in law, wasn't so lucky though .....he didn't come until the 31st. We were so glad when he arrived.





Brianna was so excited to hold her newest cousin!!!!


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Bloom.......

Oh my goodness!! Oh my goodness!! Did you hear the little girl from the movie Annie, in your head when you read that? Ok maybe it was only me. Anyhow, I just finished reading the book, Bloom finding beauty in the unexpected .


Check out the author's blogkellehampton.com This book is written by a mom whose daughter is born with Down Syndrome. Not all moms are going to feel how she did when they found out their child was different, but she definitely talks about some of the common feelings moms have when they find out their child has a special need(s).
I loved it when she said she didn't want to be a part of "this new group" and that she didn't ask for it. I remember feeling the same way when we learned about Dylan's special needs. It also stung my heart as now, as a grieving mother, I don't want to be a part of this group. I didn't ask for it.
If you've read it, let me know what you thought....even if you hate it.
What books are you my readers currently reading??
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Finally.....

I have been "creating" this post in my mind for weeks. I've gradually had to add to it every time since I haven't sit down and typed anything.

Summer seemed to have come and went. I was sad to see school start. I loved having Brianna home all day. She was a great helper. I miss my sweet girl while she is in school.

So I guess since I haven't blogged in months I'll at least start at the beginning of summer. Brianna had a great year of 1st grade. She blossomed. She's so talkative and LOVES to read. I guess she takes after myself and my mom. I LOVE reading. I don't get to do it as often as I would like, but when I do it's magical!



We spent our times this summer reading, going to the library (after requesting books online, because Isabella is so interested in everything it causes me A TON of anxiety), swimming with grandpa & grandma, having a few playdates with friends and cousins, practicing the piano, somedays just doing nothing and an array of other things. I have to admit Im not one of those "fun" moms that I envision doing crafts, baking and whatever else I think "fun" moms do. You know the ones that ALWAYS seem to be perfect at everything and seem to be able to do it all. Brianna tells me I am fun and perfect. I actually believe her, because I know she loves me and doesn't know anything different. I wish I could see myself more through her eyes than my own. I know that I am by far nowhere near perfect, but hearing her say that, makes me feel "good enough".






At the end of June we celebrated my 33rd birthday. Is it strange, that I don't care if people know how old I am?? We went to Red Robin with my parents, so I could get my free birthday burger.





Then we celebrated our niece MaryEllen turning 8. She got baptized. It so wonderful. I'm grateful for the example that she set for my girls and hope that when they turn 8 they will choose for themselves if it something they want to do. She's definitely my FAVORITE niece. (I tell her that all the time, and she usually says, "Yeah because I'm you're only one." SO true.




Then it was time to celebrate my mims's birthday. Let me just say that the from the last week of June through the 4th of July it's like one big family party since we have 3 birthdays back to back. For some reason I don't have a photo on my phone of her birthday. I know I have them on our camera but seeing that my laptop is SUPER SLOW, you'll just have to believe me and picture one of our family gatherings.

Then comes the 4th of July. We went to a pancake breakfast at one of our church buildings in Rancho Cordova and then watches the parade. It was bittersweet because the last time we did either of those things Dylan was with us. But let me tell you when a motorcycle went by or the fire truck blew its horn, my family thought of Dylan and we laughed and smiled. He was with us:)

























After the parade it was fun times with my brother and his family swimming at my parents. Then we had some friends over for a BBQ for some more swimming and eating. It's was GREAT day. Brianna was so tired while waiting for it to get dark so we could do fireworks she fell asleep on the couch. Luckily when I told her it was time she told me she was WIDE AWAKE.














So I know you must be eagerly waiting to read what we did next but seeing that Isabella is currently down for her nap I have to utilize my time, so the rest of July till today is going to have to wait a little bit.

Just a quick preview....Dylan's bday, Hawaii, Disneyland, Brianna's birthday, school starting and Isabella's first time at the kid's club at the gym will be next. Stay tuned. I promise it will be soon!

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Today

9 years ago right now, I was anxiously awaiting the arrival of Dylan. I had been told that Dylan would be around 15lbs and would have to have a c-section. I was SO nervous. This was my first baby and had no idea what to expect.

After waiting what seemed like days, they wheeled me into the operating room. Within minutes of being all hooked up and not being able to feel my lower extremities I heard the sweetest sound. Dylan had finally arrived. I remember seeing a huge smile on Kalen's face. He was a father and I a mother. Our sweet baby boy had arrived at 10lbs 6ozs and 22ins along. He was HUGE.

The next 12 hours seemed fine. Dylan took to nursing right away but had to also be given formula since he was so big. He had to have his glucose checked periodically throughout the day. I guess it's standard when a baby is so big.

Around 12 hours after birth, they took him to get his level checked. Next thing I know, Kalen and I began the craziest roller coaster ride ever. We were told that he had to stay in the NICU for observation. Dylan had started having seizures and they wanted to observe him.

I was discharged and Dylan had to stay. That was hard. In a perfect world/dream, that's what you do. You and your baby go home together. That wasn't the case for us. After spending a week in the NICU, Dylan finally got to come home. I was an anxious mess but at least we were all home together.

Fast forward to now....Dylan isn't here and my heart is aching. I miss him so much. The tears are flowing. I hate he isn't here. I miss his laugh, his smile, his sense of humor, but most of all him. He was the one who made me a mom. He was my first born. I learned so much from having to fight on his behalf...from dealing with wonderful and horrible doctors, to getting him services, to dealing with ignorant and stupid people, but most important just loving him.

Today is bittersweet for our family. We honor Dylan, with what would have been his 9th birthday today. I'm grateful for the almost 7 years I had to hold him, to care for him and have him physically here as a part of our family.

I know I will see him again and we will be reunited. I'm so grateful for that knowledge. It doesn't take the pain away though. Some assume it does, but it doesn't. I guess in some strange way it makes it bearable. But definitely no enjoyable.

We are sending balloons up later today. I hope he can see them.

We love you so much Dylan and are so glad you are part of our family!!

Happy Birthday Bubba!



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Do you read here often???

So I've been wanting to blog. I have so many things I want to share, vent or explain. Do I even have readers anymore??? I'm wanting to blog more, but it seems so overwhelming at times. Often times its just more thing on my to do list. That's list seems to be never ending, but I enjoy blogging. Almost as much as blog stalking:)

So what do you want to read about on this blog? The everyday happenings of our family, updates on the kids, my/our journey through grief, the books I'm reading, etc.

Leave a comment and let me know:)


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Family Photos 2012

We had a family photo session back in June. We had A LOT of fun. Wendy & Tyler from Blue Lily Photo, were AWESOME. If you ever need family photos done, they are great. They travel so they can come to you.

Our session was along the Bike Trail. Brianna was so scared we'd run into snakes. (I have to admit I was too!!) Luckily that didn't happen:) Here are some of our favorite photos. It is weird to see photos of our family. It never quite feels complete with Dylan not being here, but we do our best to include him:) I have to admit we look like a pretty neat family. I know I'm bias.