Lyrics

These are song lyrics that Kalen asked me to post about he is feeling. He highlighted the parts that are most meaningful or touching to him. (I've never heard of this song so I have no idea how it goes)


House full of roses
A letter on the stairs
A tape full of messages for anyone who cares
Collage of broken words
And stories full of tears
Remembering your life
Cause we wish that you were here

Nothing is harder
Than to wake up all alone
Realize it's not okay
It's the end of all you know
Time keeps passing by
But it seems I'm frozen still
Scars are left behind
But some too deep to feel

And some say this can't be real
And I've lost my power to feel, tonight
We're all just victims of a crime

When all is gone and can't be regained
We can't seem to shelter the pain inside
We're all just victims of a crime

Somedays you'll find me
In a place I like to go
Ask questions to myself
Bout the thing I'll never know
What's left to find
Cause I need a little more
I need a little time
Can we even up the score?

And some say this can't be real
And I've lost my power to feel, tonight
We're all just victims of a crime

When all is gone and can't be regained
We can't seem to shelter the pain inside
We're all just victims of a crime

And nothing lasts forever
For all good things it's true
I'd rather trade it all
While somehow saving you
It must have been the season
That threw us out of line
Once I stood so tall
Now I'm searching for a sign

So don't need your salvation
With promises unkind
And all the speculations
Save it for another time

Cause we all need a reason
A reason just to stay
And Some just can't be bothered
To stick around another day

And some say this can't be real
And I've lost my power to feel, tonight
We've all just victims of a crime

When all is gone and can't be regained
We can't seem to shelter the pain inside
We've all been victims of a crime
Victims of a crime
Living with this crime

I'm missing you

A beautiful song....take a listen

I found this on another "angel mom's" blog. I felt the words were singing to my soul. My grief is so fresh, and raw. I look forward to the day when our Savior will return and our family will be all reunited and we will all be together. I look forward to that day.............

4 months

It's literally has been 4 months since Dylan was legally pronounced "brain dead". I vaguely remember collapsing to the hospital floor and having those around us help pick me up. Many since that day have "helped" to try and pick me up.

I have so many thoughts going through my head today. The first and foremost is that I am so grateful that I was chosen to be Dylan's mom. He is such a great kid. Those that didn't get to know him missed out on so much. He was so much more than a little boy that couldn't communicate like"typical" people do. He had the best personality, smile, and laugh. I miss seeing and hearing those things so much.

I remember after Dylan was born that his cruddy neurologist had told me that seizures would be something I'd get use to. I thought he was crazy. In time I realized what he meant. I would get use to them in some strange sense, they weren't as emotionally draining as they were in the beginning. I came to understand what came after Dylan had a seizure and what to do. I was prepared. People have said the rudest things since Dylan has died. I will not repeat them, as they make me angry, but Dylan's death is nothing that our family will get use to or over. A part of our family is missing and is not here. For me that was no preparing for Dylan's death. There is nothing normal about him not being physically here.

I was reminded the other day, about my great grandma and great grandpa who lost their son to foul play. His body was never found. There wasn't a place that they could visit or take flowers. I can't imagine not knowing where Dylan's body is. I at least have that. Every time I go to the cemetery I want to dig him up and bring him home. Yes, I know to some of you now think I have lost my mind, but you haven't buried a child so you have NO idea what that feels like.

I don't want this to be a complete downer, but that's where I am in my grief. I think I am finally feeling the "anger". It's not at my Heavenly Father. It's at people. The things they say, don't do or do. Honestly do you think I want to bare my soul and heartache to you when there is judgement or an attempt to understand, meaning you THINK you get what I'm feeling. If you haven't lost a child you DO NOT KNOW OR UNDERSTAND how I feel. It is impossible for you to do so. Whether it be your parent, sibling or friend, unless you have suffered the loss of a child you don't get it. Please do not tell me you do. It is SO ANNOYING!!!

I'm sure some of you have tried to imagine what your life would be like without your child, but you are lucky because you can still see, smell, and touch them. Where I can not. I had two friends that had a child pass away and I remember trying to imagine what it would be like if Dylan or Brianna were no longer here in this life. Let me tell you, the pain I thought I would feel is NOTHING close to what I thought it would be like. For me, my daily life is different. I NO longer plan my day around feedings, therapy, and who is coming to my house. Life as I knew it no longer exists. Try to imagine waking up one morning and having everything and everyone you knew on a daily basis gone. Doesn't feel good, huh? I am lost. I have no motivation to do anything. My poor family has thrown together meals. I think the strangest part in all of this is that people seriously think that we should be "normal" again. Really so soon? My child died!!!! Some seem to forget that.

Till we meet again Dylan.....I'm trying to wait ever so patiently................

Can you hear.......

me screaming????? My heart is aching.


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It's so heavy

This burden of grief that I carry everyday is so incredibly hard. I miss Dylan so much. I know people don't get what I am going through. I've come to the conclusion that unless you have lost a child, you will no idea about the amount of pain I am feeling, the emotions that I feel, or what it's like. Please quit trying to "analyze" me.

Those that have a child or children alive are able to still see, smell, touch, hug and kiss them. Me on the other hand, he is buried in the ground. I can't see him. I can't stroke his hair. I can't smell his stinky feet. I can't see his smile. I can't hear his laugh. The cold hard truth is that my son is died. Each day is so hard. I can't accomplish the simplest of tasks. I'm so disorganized. I have nothing to do. I HATE this!!! My world is so different. Brianna is at school right now, and my heart is missing both of my kids right now. With Brianna I at least get to see her in an hour. With Dylan, not knowing when we will be reunited is so unbearable. I can't write him letters, emails or talk on the phone. Oh how I long to see his sweet face and put my arms around him.

Breaking

My heart is shattered. I miss Dylan so much today. Another week has gone by. I haven't blogged much. I really haven't done much of anything. I'm in a place where very few people can understand. I HATE this. I just wish he didn't have to go. There was so much we had planned. Our family is so different now. Where is my peace today????

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone