I wish I had words that could ease your burden. Please know that you are often on my mind. Thank you for sharing and helping us to understand, at least as much as we can.
I can't hear it, but I can feel it. I'm so sorry. I wish we could go smash plates against a back alley wall or something and yell and curse and scream together.
Your last post made me think of something I've been biting back lately. I have a cousin who's on a mission (first and only son, only child to go on one) and my aunt acts like the world is ending. Counts down the days to his weekly e-mail. She exclaimed "I can't believe he's been gone for a WHOLE month! I miss him so much!"
.......
You wonder how people can be so dense sometimes. Do you not realize who you are talking to? Do you not realize that the small amount of pain you feel (that feels so monumental to you) is NOTHING compared to what I go through? Can't you see that???
I can't help but have bitter thoughts. You only have to wait two years...and in the meantime you get e-mails, phone calls, letters, pictures...he's still HERE and he's coming back.
When is OUR homecoming going to be??? When do I get to hold my baby again??? Its really not fair. I feel guilty for thinking it...she loves him as much as I love my son, but oh well...its the truth.
Thank you Bethany. Those thoughts have crossed my mind. We don't letters, emails, pictures or any sort of updates on our kids, but yet others can whose children are still ALIVE. People seriously believe that I will get over this pain. I learned that what they fail to understand is that this isn't something we get over. We get through this trial but it is always with us. The burden some days just are not as painful. To me things someone would get over would be losing something(not a person) of some importance, such as a photograph, jewelery, keys, and a teenage crush, a high school relationship. Those are things that yes may affect us at a time but dont change us. I guess that's another thing people fail to understand. I am NOT the same person I was 16 weeks ago.
I had someone tell me a few weeks ago that it's a good thing that Dylan died so Brianna can now have all of the attention. I definitely was beyond annoyed with that comment. How can it be a good thing? Her brother is DEAD. All she has ever known is now different. All of Dylan's team that came to our house to work with him, were a huge part of her life too. She thought half the time they were here for her. The things people say. I know we all say things sometimes without thinking but geez!!!!
She now has the fear that at any moment her mom or dad or someone close to her can be gone. To me that is such a hard realization for a 5 year old.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I'm glad that I'm not alone in this when at times it feels as such.
I wish I could take the pain away for only a few minutes, to give you a chance to breathe. I'm SO sorry.
Bethany, yes, exactly! I have an aunt who is up in arms about how sick her grandson is. He's NOT terminal. He has an illness that is managed with meds and he is functioning and whole and well. She acts like it's this HUGE trial and I just want to SCREAM at her. Grrr.
Francesca, I canNOT believe someone would say something so unutterably heartless to you. My jaw literally hit my chest when I read your words. What is WRONG with people?
My Hannah's birthday is tomorrow. She would have been nine. Tomorrow is one of those days that is a bit more painful than others. The pain does ebb with time. It's always there, just not as sharp and cutting.
I wish I had words that could ease your burden. Please know that you are often on my mind.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing and helping us to understand, at least as much as we can.
I can't hear it, but I can feel it. I'm so sorry. I wish we could go smash plates against a back alley wall or something and yell and curse and scream together.
ReplyDeleteYour last post made me think of something I've been biting back lately. I have a cousin who's on a mission (first and only son, only child to go on one) and my aunt acts like the world is ending. Counts down the days to his weekly e-mail. She exclaimed "I can't believe he's been gone for a WHOLE month! I miss him so much!"
.......
You wonder how people can be so dense sometimes. Do you not realize who you are talking to? Do you not realize that the small amount of pain you feel (that feels so monumental to you) is NOTHING compared to what I go through? Can't you see that???
I can't help but have bitter thoughts. You only have to wait two years...and in the meantime you get e-mails, phone calls, letters, pictures...he's still HERE and he's coming back.
When is OUR homecoming going to be??? When do I get to hold my baby again??? Its really not fair. I feel guilty for thinking it...she loves him as much as I love my son, but oh well...its the truth.
~Bethany
Thank you Bethany. Those thoughts have crossed my mind. We don't letters, emails, pictures or any sort of updates on our kids, but yet others can whose children are still ALIVE. People seriously believe that I will get over this pain. I learned that what they fail to understand is that this isn't something we get over. We get through this trial but it is always with us. The burden some days just are not as painful. To me things someone would get over would be losing something(not a person) of some importance, such as a photograph, jewelery, keys, and a teenage crush, a high school relationship. Those are things that yes may affect us at a time but dont change us. I guess that's another thing people fail to understand. I am NOT the same person I was 16 weeks ago.
ReplyDeleteI had someone tell me a few weeks ago that it's a good thing that Dylan died so Brianna can now have all of the attention. I definitely was beyond annoyed with that comment. How can it be a good thing? Her brother is DEAD. All she has ever known is now different. All of Dylan's team that came to our house to work with him, were a huge part of her life too. She thought half the time they were here for her. The things people say. I know we all say things sometimes without thinking but geez!!!!
She now has the fear that at any moment her mom or dad or someone close to her can be gone. To me that is such a hard realization for a 5 year old.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I'm glad that I'm not alone in this when at times it feels as such.
Francesca
I wish I could take the pain away for only a few minutes, to give you a chance to breathe. I'm SO sorry.
ReplyDeleteBethany, yes, exactly! I have an aunt who is up in arms about how sick her grandson is. He's NOT terminal. He has an illness that is managed with meds and he is functioning and whole and well. She acts like it's this HUGE trial and I just want to SCREAM at her. Grrr.
Francesca, I canNOT believe someone would say something so unutterably heartless to you. My jaw literally hit my chest when I read your words. What is WRONG with people?
My Hannah's birthday is tomorrow. She would have been nine. Tomorrow is one of those days that is a bit more painful than others. The pain does ebb with time. It's always there, just not as sharp and cutting.
Prayers and hugs for you.
Rach