Anger

I'm angry today! I miss Dylan. I've been feeling sluggish this past week. No motivation. I knew what was coming. Today I'm angrier than usual. Not sure why, I just am. I hate death. I hate grief. Ugh. It's just one if those days.
I'm choosing to take my anger out on the elliptical right now. (Yes I'm blogging and working out at the same time) It's better than taking it out on the rest of my family and the rest if the world.
I feel like I could breakdown into tears at any second. I'll save it for the drive home though. I don't want the two guys next to me think I'm a complete CRAZY woman.

Another month passes today since Dylan died. 33 months! Ugh.

Hug your loved ones today and keep me in your prayers. I need i!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Inspiring....ME???

I've been blogging for a few years, but lately have wanted to branch out and reach other blogs and become part of the blogging world. My daily blog list is long and I might not always get to leave a comment on those pages but I do read them. I read crafty blogs, "Mom" blogs, DIY blogs, grief blogs, funny blogs, you get the idea.

One of my favorite blogs I read is Mom's World. She is an honest mother who shares her fears and triumphs as a Mom. She has a GREAT sense of humor too. If you like following blogs, this is definitely one to check out.

I was SHOCKED today when I was given an award on her blog today. I am honored to receive it. It's my first award. I don't consider myself too inspiring and am really touched to received such an award.  
I am REALLY, REALLY excited to receive this award. Thank You Darla!!!!

Now here are 7 Random Facts about me:

1. I love to play video games. If the game requires me to "collect" something, i.e. coins, stars, etc., I seriously have to collect them all.
2. I'm not a huge chocolate fan, but if it is Reese's Peanut butter cups or a 3 Musketeers, I doomed.
3. I got 2 tickets in one day - 1 red light ticket & a speeding ticket. I laughed when I got the speeding ticket. It was a HORRIBLE Friday the 13th.
4. I'm a "master" coupon queen (as my family members call me)
5. I like watching "Good Luck Charlie" & "Jessie" on the Disney Channel with Brianna.
6. I went to the last Playoff game that featured Malone & Stockton (Utah Jazz) against the i Sacramento KINGS.
7. If something has strawberries in it, I'm guaranteed to eat it. Strawberries are my favorite fruit.

Here are a few blogs that inspire me - they make me laugh, cry, think and inspire me. I hope you will check them out.

A Daily Scoop

five foot seven

Hope Smiling Brightly

Jessie Jo At Home

Loving Henry

Mishmash Mama
RyleeBlake
Serious Injury Inflicted

Tales of a Monkey, a Bit, and a Bean

Team Ewan

Thankful Me

The Complete Guide to Imperfect Homemaking

The Reiersen Four

The Sullengers

I'm suppose to say if you "accept" this award that you will need to do a post listing 7 random facts about yourself and then pick the blogs you follow that inspire you. Since I'm just "branching out" in the blogging world I still need to find more blogs that I could give this award to. Most of the blogs I follow have stopped posting frequently. There are many that I have enjoyed reading in the past. I'm not sure if all of these blogs even know I exist but they make a difference in my life.

Thanks again for giving me this award Darla!

Random thought

I saw this quote today and LOVE it!



It made me think about how it goes along with my "word" for the year. I know I am trying to be better at being myself. It's hard. I know I find myself comparing myself to other moms and friends I know. Maybe even some I don't know. I know that I shouldn't do it, but it's so hard. I find myself comparing weight, clothes, hair, overall appearance, parenting skills, and many many more things. I know I shouldn't be I do.

So I'm curious what do you find yourself comparing? Or are you lucky enough that you don't. If you don't find yourself comparing yourself to others, how did you master that? I'd seriously like to stop. I know comparing myself to others, stems from my insecurities.

What are your thoughts?

Better??.....we are getting there (Maybe)

I seriously was going CRAZY yesterday with my beloved almost 2 year old. I love that Isabella is strong willed & independent. It will help her in life SO much. I don't love it so much when she is battling me on something.

I know so many of you are probably curious how it turned out yesterday. Well after I put all of her toys in the hallway so she couldn't be distracted, I decided I'd sit in her rocking chair until she fell asleep on her mattress laying on the floor. It worked surprisingly. She took a nap and I was able to "regroup". Kalen used a very stern voice with her and had to go into her room a few times to tell her to lay down and go to sleep. It took less than 5 minutes. YAY!!!

I've made a few arrangements to help with getting Brianna home from school and Isabella being able to take a nap. It won't be daily but it's a start. I'm SO grateful to those individuals who have offered to help in one way or another.

So fast forward to today. Happy Valentine's Day by the way. I woke Isabella up so she wouldn't have the chance to even think about climbing out of her crib. The day started off great! We took Brianna to school. Since Isabella is SO independent, she likes to walk. The rule is that she has to hold Brianna or my hand. If she chooses not to then I have to carry her. She did pretty well but it seems to be at the same spot EVERYDAY that she decides to bolt. So into my arms she goes. She's a pretty heavy kid.

While I chatted with a friend about how much I am struggling right now, Isabella played on the school playground equipment. She listened fairly well, but of course told me a lot of "No's" when I told her it was time to go to the gym. My friend Kasie said something really good. (I had this thought yesterday, as I was begging to my Heavenly Father in prayer on how to be a better parent for Isabella). She said, "Since you can't change her, change yourself...meaning the way I will or will not react. What a novel concept, right? She also gave me another couple of suggestions. They have worked so far with Isabella today. There was little food throwing at lunch. The rule has ALWAYS and will ALWAYS be that if you throw food, then you are done and you don't get anything else to eat. 

I used fruit snacks as a reward throughout the day today, given her "warning" of what is going to be happening; like "we are leaving in 5 minutes". I've always believe children need to know what the expectations and consequences will be. Isabella just doesn't seemed to be phased by them until today.

Maybe it's because I stayed calmed, even though I wanted to SCREAM. But I have hope.

It was time for nap and my plan was to put her in her crib after our "normal" bedtime routine of reading books, singing & rocking. While she was in her bed, I sat in her rocking chair. As hard as it was to stay calm, I had to repeatedly tell her, "It was time to go to sleep". It took 40 minutes. I wanted to dose off, but she did it. She went to sleep and didn't try to climb out of her crib. While she might be ready to not be in a crib, I'm not ready for her to have the ability to get out of bed and walk around. So for now we will try this. I'm hoping it will get less and less and she will get better at following the rules and expectations. I know she's not even 2 yet, but she knows what I'm telling her.

I love Isabella so much. She drives me crazy, but I'm glad she is here and part of our family. She definitely has taught me how to laugh again, since Dylan's death. I think we are both strong-headed and that's why we clash. I'm trying to take a step back before I react to something and I'm hoping this will help.

I want thank everyone that sent texts, Facebook messages, commented on my Facebook status, commented on my blog and sent emails telling me I wasn't alone and what had helped with their kids. The response was OVERWHELMING. There were people who responded who I seriously thought they had it all together, but to learn otherwise. I'm grateful for those that shared their struggles and disappointments.

So you may still see me running after Isabella, but just know if I see you running after one or more of your kids. I understand and there will be no judgement from me. If I can I might even help you in running after your kid(s).

Enjoy today and show those in your life you love them and are glad they are here to be able to show them.

What's something that you struggle with as a parent - guilt, CRAZY kids, not knowing what to do, feeling out of control?? Leave a comment here or on Facebook.

-Francesca

Struggling

I don't even know where to begin. I BEYOND overwhelmed & frustrated. Being a mom is so UNBELIEVABLY hard. This day did NOT start off right. Now matter how hard I tried. Isabella now knows how to climb out of her crib. I have been dreading nap time. I will get to that in a bit.

I had asked a friend to go to story time at the library. It's A LOT of work to take Isabella anywhere. She is psychically and emotionally draining. As soon as we walk out of the garage she bolts. Yes, I am one of those moms you seeing running after their child. No matter what I do, she doesn't stop. I've tried positive reinforcement, yelling, time out, the works. NOTHING is helping. I am at my wits end.

Well we went to the library. She did okay, but still went the opposite way of the exit when it was time to go. Again I was chasing after her. We got home and I gave her lunch. Of course everything was thrown on the floor. I am SO sick & tired of having to clean food up off of the floor. I seriously have never met a kid that can be so testy.

I called Kalen in tears asking if he could pick Brianna up from school, because Isabella was acting tired and after what happened with her nap yesterday, I didn't want a repeat. Well I put her in her bed since she was rubbing her eyes and yawning. That was over an hour and a half ago. I am so MAD. Tears are streaming down my face. WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO BE SO DIFFICULT????? Less than a minute of being in her crib she was already attempting to get out. So I went in and moved the mattress to the floor. I've had to make multiple trips in to remove toys so she will stop playing. She is still awake. It makes me mad, because I could have gone and gotten Brianna from school, but I'm sure she would have been falling asleep as soon as we started driving down the road.

I don't know what else to do. I feel like a failure as a mom. Isabella has been a constant struggle since she was born. Maybe it's the timing of when she came to our family. Maybe it's her personality. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's a mixture.

I'm so tired of everyone telling me she'll grow out of it. I highly doubt that will happen. It feels like it's getting progressively worse. Why couldn't I have "easy" child??? I have tried so many times to remain calm. I don't know what else to do.

As I look at the monitor I can see her playing now in the drapes. I GIVE UP!!! Don't let anyone fool you into thinking being a parent is EASY. It's not!

I know this is WAY more of a downer post than usual, but it's a REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, bad day.

Anyone deal with a situation like this? If so, did anything work? I'm desperate..............

Reaching the finish line

It's 4:14 on Monday. I am feeling VERY accomplished. This is BIG. I haven't felt very accomplished many times since Dylan died. There is just something about grief. It is amazing to me how strong grief is in my life and how it still affects EVERYTHING.

I'm not one to brag or boast, but I want to share with you how I'm feeling. Maybe it will give you the "push" you need to climb the hill or mountain in front of you. Maybe it's to help push you through the desert. Whatever you maybe facing, feeling and dealing with, just remember to take one foot at a time.
I'm going to digress just for a brief moment. Many of you know that I LOVE running. Yes, you read that right. There is a joy that comes from it. I enjoy trying to beat my previous race times. Some might say that I am competitive when it comes to "sports". With running, I don't have to compete with anyone but myself. So the analogy that I previously used, is because of running.

There have been many, many times that I have found myself face with the task of climbing a mountain, not literally of course. Sometimes just getting out of bed is EXCRUCIATINGLY emotionally painful. The thought comes racing to my mind every morning that Dylan is dead. He isn't here living, breathing and laying peacefully in his bed. He doesn't have a "bed" in our home any more. It's tough. I look back at where I was 2 1/2 years ago. My grief was debilitating, and some days it still is. Many people judged. Horrible emails and comments were made. I still don't understand how or why people felt the need to say the things they did to me. That is one thing I hope that my blog readers will remember, there is NO right or wrong way to deal with the death of a child. NO ONE has the right to tell you how to feel or that you are grieving the wrong way. I might have thought to myself I would maybe grieve differently from someone prior to Dylan's death, but NEVER did I ever tell the Mother or Father they were wrong with their feelings.

Trying to wrap your head around that fact that your child is here one day and gone the next is so CRAZY. It literally made me crazy. It affects everything in my life now. While I've come to the "ACCEPTANCE" stage in the grief cycle, there are days that I go back to anger. I'm angry Dylan isn't here. I'm angry that my family isn't complete. I'm angry that Isabella doesn't get to know Dylan and only will hear stories about him. I'm angry that I feel the way I do. I'm angry that there are families that have all their kids sleeping soundly every night in their beds. I'm angry that I'm not a special needs mom. I'm angry that my identity was stripped away without my approval or choice. I'm angry that I've lost friends. I'm angry that I don't fit in. I'm angry that I can't watch Dylan grow. I'm angry that Brianna is now physically older than Dylan ever was. You get the idea. The list can go on and on.
So how do I balance my anger and still try to find happiness and not let it control my life. It's HARD. I don't have one thing that I can contribute it too. It's many things. Some things are PRAYER, the gospel of Jesus Christ, the promise that I WILL see Dylan again, my wonderful husband - who will settle for cereal for dinner without getting upset, 2 great girls - 1 that has had to be VERY patient with me since Dylan died and 1 who knows nothing different from the person I was, the few friends that have stuck "around". Those are a few of the things that have carried me on my journey. I hope that if you are reading this and have had a child die just know you are NOT alone; even though it feels like it ALL THE TIME.

So why do I feel accomplished today?? Well I was able to get all the laundry washed and folded. (It's yet to be put away - I dislike that part) Dinner is in the crock pot, Brianna's valentines are ready for her classmates and they turned out cute, the house got vacuumed,  and I had a chance this morning to truly ponder PRAYER and do it. I normally am happy that laundry is washed, but I'm ecstatic that I've done more today. It's definitely not the "norm" around here. Brianna didn't have school today so I think that has A LOT to do with it. She helped me fold A TON of clothes.

Here's proof of my accomplishments:















What are you proud of accomplishing today?? If it's just getting out of bed I applaud you.
Leave a comment here or tell me on Facebook. I LOVE reading your comments!

Blog Button.....

So I FINALLY found out how to add an "email me" button to my sidebar. I have wanted one for YEARS. I wonder if anyone will email me:) Please do!

Thanks to the Blog OH, HELLO FRIEND's post and  JoJo & Eloise's post, I now have this button on my blog. Such a cute button and great tutorial. YAY. It's the little things that make me happy.

I'd like to have a blog button for my blog to "blog swap" with. Not sure what I should use as my logo. Any ideas??? Then I'd have to figure out how to have it created. Hopefully that's not too hard.

Braces

Brianna was BEYOND excited today. She couldn't wait until she got her braces on. She's the first one in her class to get them. I'm not sure if that's why she is excited or if it's because it's something new. We are having to do 2 phases of braces. Phase 1 now, so her teeth can move and make room for the two teeth that can't come down. Phase 2 will be when she is older.

I am so impressed by Brianna. She seriously sees the good in EVERYTHING. I told her there would be a few foods & drinks that she won't be able to have while her braces are on. Her response," That's okay mom, I'll just be extra healthy."

There was 1 thing that she was bummed about and that was not being able to have lemon juice with her salmon. She's not too sure how she is going to survive eating salmon without her "bit" of lemon juice. She's also excited because she will be able to stop biting her fingernails.

Maybe it's because I've had braces, but to me they were a pain!!! At times they hurt or were really uncomfortable. But I guess the end result was worth it. I'm hoping that she will still "LOVE" her braces for the next 6-12 months. This should be interesting. Looking forward to this short journey with her.

Below are a few pictures from earlier today. I just LOVE this kid.

                      Waiting patiently in the waiting room.


                            Getting ready.......
I think braces make her look even CUTER. (if that's even possible) She went with pink & purple bands. 

The A's to Z's of Francesca

So I saw this on one of the new blogs I started following. You can find that blog here. So if you want to get to know me a little better here's 26 things.

The ABC’s of Me:

A. Age: 33....seriously, when did that happen?

B. Bed size: California King. 

C. Chore you dislike: Cleaning toilets

D. Dogs: Love them, but don't have one.

E. Essential start to your day: Checking my email on my phone

F. Favorite colors: yellow....it makes me happy.

G. Gold or silver: Tough one. I can't stand "yellow" gold, I prefer white gold...should I say silver then?

H. Height: 5’4’’

I. Instruments you play(ed): Piano, Violin & the French Horn

J. Job title: Wife & Stay at Home Mom

K. Kids: 3

L. Live: California

M. Mom’s name: Cherie

N. Nicknames: Frannie, Fran, Fran caca, Mommy, Mom

O. Overnight hospital stays: All pregnancy related or due to child birth

P. Pet peeves: Arrogance. Laziness. Someone that is fake. Someone concerned about their overall appearance ALL the time. Being Materialistic. Someone that is just plain rude.

Q. Quote from a movie: "Life is like a box of chocolate, you never know what you are going to get". That is SO true

R. Righty or lefty: Righty.

S. Siblings: 1 brother. We are 17 months apart and most people think he is older. I don't correct them even though they are wrong.

T. Time you wake up: Between 6 and 7 am. It's dependent on when Isabella screams out for me.

U. Underwear: Seriously?!?!?!

V. Vegetables you don’t like: Brussels Sprouts or cabbage

W. What makes you run late: having to get 2 people besides myself ready. Really it comes down to getting distracted.

X. X-rays you’ve had: arm/elbow for a running accident and 1 for my knee after a soccer injury

Y. Yummy food you make: My family would say my enchiladas or lasagna.

Z. Zoo animal you like: Tigers

If you blog, I'd love to know your ABC's:)

A million things

I have wanted to blog since last Tuesday, but I have been SO busy. I feel like I a getting pulled in a million directions. Anyone else ever feel like that?

Here are some of my random thoughts during this past week:

• How can I have more time to be "crafty"?
• How do all these moms with wonderful blogs find the time & energy to keep them up?
• Am I ever going to lose the pregnancy weight I gained with Dylan?
• I did a good job keeping my kitchen clean for a day...man I felt accomplished!
• Maybe I should return the stack of library books I have checked out, because I just don't have the time to sit down & read.
• Garage almost organized...yes! In the meantime, while organizing the garage, I found there is a leak in the hall bathroom tub leaking into the garage. Geez...will it ever end?!?!?
• I just wish I could take a nap.
• Is it really 7am already?
• I'm not getting any better with my scripture studies. Why is that?
• Will Isabella calm down at all any time soon?
• Yay, Isabella calmed down for the moment.
• Should we go ahead and get braces for Brianna so her teeth can come down?
• Do I really want to spend the money on braces? I mean seriously she's 7.
• I SO glad Kalen helps me. There is NO way I could do everything myself.
• I REALLY need to not fall asleep watching TV. I mean it this time!

There are WAY more random thoughts I've had this past week, but I could be here all day typing them. 

I'm curious, what are some of your random thoughts?