Reaching the finish line

It's 4:14 on Monday. I am feeling VERY accomplished. This is BIG. I haven't felt very accomplished many times since Dylan died. There is just something about grief. It is amazing to me how strong grief is in my life and how it still affects EVERYTHING.

I'm not one to brag or boast, but I want to share with you how I'm feeling. Maybe it will give you the "push" you need to climb the hill or mountain in front of you. Maybe it's to help push you through the desert. Whatever you maybe facing, feeling and dealing with, just remember to take one foot at a time.
I'm going to digress just for a brief moment. Many of you know that I LOVE running. Yes, you read that right. There is a joy that comes from it. I enjoy trying to beat my previous race times. Some might say that I am competitive when it comes to "sports". With running, I don't have to compete with anyone but myself. So the analogy that I previously used, is because of running.

There have been many, many times that I have found myself face with the task of climbing a mountain, not literally of course. Sometimes just getting out of bed is EXCRUCIATINGLY emotionally painful. The thought comes racing to my mind every morning that Dylan is dead. He isn't here living, breathing and laying peacefully in his bed. He doesn't have a "bed" in our home any more. It's tough. I look back at where I was 2 1/2 years ago. My grief was debilitating, and some days it still is. Many people judged. Horrible emails and comments were made. I still don't understand how or why people felt the need to say the things they did to me. That is one thing I hope that my blog readers will remember, there is NO right or wrong way to deal with the death of a child. NO ONE has the right to tell you how to feel or that you are grieving the wrong way. I might have thought to myself I would maybe grieve differently from someone prior to Dylan's death, but NEVER did I ever tell the Mother or Father they were wrong with their feelings.

Trying to wrap your head around that fact that your child is here one day and gone the next is so CRAZY. It literally made me crazy. It affects everything in my life now. While I've come to the "ACCEPTANCE" stage in the grief cycle, there are days that I go back to anger. I'm angry Dylan isn't here. I'm angry that my family isn't complete. I'm angry that Isabella doesn't get to know Dylan and only will hear stories about him. I'm angry that I feel the way I do. I'm angry that there are families that have all their kids sleeping soundly every night in their beds. I'm angry that I'm not a special needs mom. I'm angry that my identity was stripped away without my approval or choice. I'm angry that I've lost friends. I'm angry that I don't fit in. I'm angry that I can't watch Dylan grow. I'm angry that Brianna is now physically older than Dylan ever was. You get the idea. The list can go on and on.
So how do I balance my anger and still try to find happiness and not let it control my life. It's HARD. I don't have one thing that I can contribute it too. It's many things. Some things are PRAYER, the gospel of Jesus Christ, the promise that I WILL see Dylan again, my wonderful husband - who will settle for cereal for dinner without getting upset, 2 great girls - 1 that has had to be VERY patient with me since Dylan died and 1 who knows nothing different from the person I was, the few friends that have stuck "around". Those are a few of the things that have carried me on my journey. I hope that if you are reading this and have had a child die just know you are NOT alone; even though it feels like it ALL THE TIME.

So why do I feel accomplished today?? Well I was able to get all the laundry washed and folded. (It's yet to be put away - I dislike that part) Dinner is in the crock pot, Brianna's valentines are ready for her classmates and they turned out cute, the house got vacuumed,  and I had a chance this morning to truly ponder PRAYER and do it. I normally am happy that laundry is washed, but I'm ecstatic that I've done more today. It's definitely not the "norm" around here. Brianna didn't have school today so I think that has A LOT to do with it. She helped me fold A TON of clothes.

Here's proof of my accomplishments:















What are you proud of accomplishing today?? If it's just getting out of bed I applaud you.
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