Today our family experienced a mix of emotions. We gave Dylan's wheelchair to a little boy who desperately needed an appropriate seating device aka wheelchair. They are so hard to get sometimes. The hoops that the "system" makes parents go through is ridiculous in my opinion. Anyhow we have been holding on to Dylan's wheelchair for almost 4 years since his death. It stayed in the house after he first died. It was taken to the church for his funeral and was next to the table where the guests signed the guestbook along with pictures of Dylan. It eventually made its way to the garage. There it has sat. I'm embarrassed to say that his harness vest still had some of Dylan's spit up on it. When he first died I needed to preserve everything in the state it was in, because it made me feel closer to Dylan. That's how I coped. I did wash it before I gave it to the new family.
Anyhow his chair was brought inside this past week. Brianna has spent time reading books while sitting in Dylan's chair. Isabella wants to be pushed around the family room. She has no idea what that chair means to Kalen, Brianna and I. But she knows it's her brother, Dylan's, who she has been asking daily if she can play with him. Oh how I wish she knew him. That she could hear his laugh, see his smile or make him laugh (I'm pretty sure he'd find her hilarious, after all we do).
Before the family came to get the chair today we took pictures with the chair.
While some of you might be thinking what's the big deal, it's just a chair. It's much more than that. It holds SO many memories for us. Trips to doctor appointments, therapies, Disneyland, the beach and just sitting around at home. It was an extension of Dylan. As the years have gone by there are less and less things of Dylan's in our home. That's really hard!!
I can feel my body starting to shutdown while an overcoming wave of grief is about to strike. To think 4 years ago on May 24, 2010, my life was COMPLETELY different. We now have 2 additional children living in our home while our firstborn is now longer here. What I would give to rub my fingers through his hair, to hold his hands, to hug him, to rock him while singing his favorite songs, to see him alive --vibrant, smiling and laughing. What I would give!!
So tonight as I drift off to sleep, I'll go to that place where 4 years ago, I was "me" - happy but overwhelmed, but when I wake tomorrow I'm the "new" me - someone who feels happiness but pain. Just like today as I was helping position the little boy in his new chair and making it appropriate for him I felt pain but happiness.
I just pray that I can make it through this next week. My grief this past year I feel has numbed me. There are moments that I have to remind myself that Dylan was real because this past year seems like I was in a dream watching someone else live. I have to fight to keep my memories. Grief and time are taking my precious memories from me and I HATE it.
So I will continue to deal with my heart wrenching pain while I put a smile on my face and try to feel happiness. Having my sweet children's faces to look at helps to remind me of a happiness I once felt. One day I'll know true happiness and I long for that day ............
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