I had a good talk today with my dear friend, Kasie, while sitting at a birthday party for one of Brianna's friends. I'm grateful for that chance. I LOVE that I can laugh and cry with her. We met after Dylan died, so she just knows me as CRAZY Francesca. (She tells me I'm not crazy though....I sure beg to differ) I am grateful for the friends that have opened their hearts to me and have accepted me the way I am. I told her that I want to open my own business. Not sure of what but that is one of the goals on my list before I die. Anyone have any ideas??? The other thing I told her is that I want to write a book. I'm sure some of your are laughing as you read that. Not sure what it will be about or if it would even make it to print, but its a goal of mine. Any ideas of what I could write about???
I received a text from another dear friend, Linda, today that said, "Been thinking of you and your beautiful family today being the 29th. xxx" The strength and love I feel from friends that remember that certain dates on the calendar, month after month, suck for our family, have helped my heart heal, the best it can.
Today has been weird. It marks another month since Dylan died. 28 months... My life is so different. Imagine waking up one day and life as you know it is gone. I don't have to "fight" to get services and "equipment" for my child, no medicine is given on a daily basis, no therapy appointments, no teacher coming to our home, no lifting my child out of bed everyday to a wheelchair, no worries about how many or how long seizures have been in a day, no one who laughs and loves "raspberries" on their cheeks, no listening to jazz music, or an array of Greg & Steve cd's, or Bessie's beautiful voice. Those are all too painful to listen to now. Maybe one day. I know some view that not "doing" those things, must make life so much better (can you believe more than 1 person has said that to Kalen or I????) but it doesn't. I miss hugging my sweet boy. I miss knowing he is sleeping safely in his bed. I miss rocking him. I miss singing to him. I miss seeing him, sitting in his wheelchair, kicking his legs to his favorite music. I miss his laugh. I miss seeing his sweet face. I miss seeing his smile. I miss hearing his incredible laugh. I miss his hair. I miss brushing his teeth. I miss getting him dressed. I miss his "team" of teachers and therapists. I miss his voice. I miss him waking up in the middle of the night and for me to help him get comfortable. I miss him taking his feeding tube out and formula going in the floor. (REALLY?!?!?, YES!) I miss our family being "whole". I miss being able to hold Dylan. He wouldn't fight me hugging on him like Isabella. Once she's gotten a hug or a kiss, she's ready to go. No snuggling on the couch for her. She's got things to do and places to see. Brianna is like Dylan that she likes to cuddle but of course when it's convenient for
her. Dylan would sit with Kalen or myself for hours and enjoy it! I miss seeing him get excited when Kalen came home from work.
It seems like a lifetime ago that he was here. To think that 2 1/2 years ago, normal was good. Normal had it challenges, but we were happy. We were whole as a family here on earth. Now it always feels as someone is missing. Words can't describe how sucky it is.
As much as I try to push the 28th and 29th out of my mind each month, they find their way to creep in. I made a promise to myself that I would help someone on one of those days to help me focus more on others. I'm so glad that my friend, Danielle, asked me to do her a favor. I woke up early and drove her and her two adorable kids to the airport. She is sworn to secrecy on how scary I look early in the morning. Just that simple act helped my heart.
When Dylan was alive, everyday was filled with service caring for him. I miss doing that. I'm not sharing my act of service as a way to boast about myself but to honestly say my day started out much happier. It gave me a reason to get up today. I seriously have a heavier heart on the 28th and 29th. So Danielle, thank you for letting me help you!
I know we've all heard it before but seriously just smile at someone as an act of service. You never know how that could brighten my day. For me it was the opportunity, a conversation and a text that helped make today bearable. I'm blessed with wonderful friends.
So.....what's tomorrow going to bring???
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Saturday, September 29, 2012
Thursday, September 20, 2012
So TRUE!!!
I can't stand all the political posts on Facebook or others shoving their point of view down my throat. I know who I am voting for and nothing will change that. So with that being said, I find this funny!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhoneEZ
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhoneEZ
An overwhelming wave
This morning after dropping Brianna off at school, Isabella and I headed over to the gym so I could workout and have some "me" time.
Isabella LOVES the kids club which is a HUGE relief. Trying to go early in the morning or after Kalen got home just wasn't working so I wasn't working out much. I feel so much better about myself too!! And some days I even have more energy. Yay!!
So this morning in the way to the gym, I saw a fire truck and an ambulance parked in front of a house. I knew that since there weren't a TON of police cars, that it most likely wasn't a child that was being treated for being unresponsive. I was still so overcome with grief. Tears streamed down my face. Images of that dreadful day flashes before my mind. I said a quick prayer for whoever was being treated that all will be well and continued driving on. It made me wonder if my neighbors wondered what was going on that dreadful day back in May 2010.
I know it might seem silly to some, but seeing an ambulance and fire truck in front of someone's house has always brought me a horrible feeling ever since the last time Dylan had to ride in one. I know they are there to help someone but it doesn't matter. It causes me stress, anxiety and heartache.
So I'm not sure what the point was of this post, but I ask that if you see a fire truck or ambulance coming pull over and get the heck out of the way, so whoever they are treating or transporting can have a chance to survive.
Since I wasn't allowed to ride in the ambulance with Dylan I have no idea how the drivers were that morning they took him to the hospital.
Grief is my enemy and friend. I HATE it, but its also am use to it. I'm just barely able to remember happy times with Dylan and not completely breakdown. I MISS him SO much. It's going to be 2 1/2 years soon and our life is so different. People who were such a support have now disappeared and trying to make sense of that is hard. I am SO grateful for my three closest friends. SJ, HK, and AT, I wouldn't have made it these past years without you!!! Especially this past year. Thank YOU!!
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Isabella LOVES the kids club which is a HUGE relief. Trying to go early in the morning or after Kalen got home just wasn't working so I wasn't working out much. I feel so much better about myself too!! And some days I even have more energy. Yay!!
So this morning in the way to the gym, I saw a fire truck and an ambulance parked in front of a house. I knew that since there weren't a TON of police cars, that it most likely wasn't a child that was being treated for being unresponsive. I was still so overcome with grief. Tears streamed down my face. Images of that dreadful day flashes before my mind. I said a quick prayer for whoever was being treated that all will be well and continued driving on. It made me wonder if my neighbors wondered what was going on that dreadful day back in May 2010.
I know it might seem silly to some, but seeing an ambulance and fire truck in front of someone's house has always brought me a horrible feeling ever since the last time Dylan had to ride in one. I know they are there to help someone but it doesn't matter. It causes me stress, anxiety and heartache.
So I'm not sure what the point was of this post, but I ask that if you see a fire truck or ambulance coming pull over and get the heck out of the way, so whoever they are treating or transporting can have a chance to survive.
Since I wasn't allowed to ride in the ambulance with Dylan I have no idea how the drivers were that morning they took him to the hospital.
Grief is my enemy and friend. I HATE it, but its also am use to it. I'm just barely able to remember happy times with Dylan and not completely breakdown. I MISS him SO much. It's going to be 2 1/2 years soon and our life is so different. People who were such a support have now disappeared and trying to make sense of that is hard. I am SO grateful for my three closest friends. SJ, HK, and AT, I wouldn't have made it these past years without you!!! Especially this past year. Thank YOU!!
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Monday, September 17, 2012
July 2012
So I'll begin where I left off.........
The 4th of July came and went. It was a fun holiday. The thought of Dylan laughing when we were watching the fireworks was something I thought about. There are moments that I feel his sweet presence and for some reason that night watching fireworks was one of those times. There was a stinging ache in my heart. As I looked around at my family that night, it was incomplete. Oh how I wish I could hold him in my arms and sing to him. It's painful still, to sing songs such as Itsy Bitsy Spider, I am a Child of God, and pretty any of the Primary Songs from Church. I'm much better about savoring the moments as I put Brianna and Isabella to bed each night. I personally know that in an instant everything can change.
July continued on. Here's a few photos from that month.
Brianna had to get two fillings. Not because she had cavities but because of the way two of her teeth formed. She was so nervous but did great!
Brianna participated in a kids 1/4 mile race at East Lawn. Here she is at the starting line.
She did GREAT. She came in 1st place. That was her goal. Kalen & I are so proud of her.
I ran my fastest 5k that day. I was SO happy and proud of myself. Kalen & the girls waited patiently for me to finish.
One thing I LOVE about summer and that I am able to stay home with our children, are lazy summer mornings. Those that have known me a long time or REALLY know me, know that I LOVE routine. But when it comes to summer our routine went out the window. One morning we found a dragonfly on our patio screen door. I was too scared to touch it, but Brianna LOVES bugs and insects. So of course she had to touch it. I hoped it wouldn't fly at me. She's definitely more like Kalen than me in that way.
Since Dylan died, July is an extra hard month. This year Dylan would have been 9. I try to imagine what he'd be like. Would he still find Velcro and tissue paper hilarious?? Would he love my raspberry kisses? Would I still be able to carry him? How bad would my back be hurting since I know we still would have had to carry him? Would he find Isabella as funny as the rest of the family does? How crazy would our household be with Dylan, Brianna and Isabella living in it at the same time? Would he have been better at holding his head much, sit independently, still love Mac & Cheese and oatmeal, still have 3+ therapies a day? Would life be as I remember it was? I was happy!
On July 25th, we met with my parents, brother and his family and our good friends the Thomander's at the cemetery. We wrote messages to Dylan on the balloons and sent them upward.
We had got there later than planned so we didn't have as much time as we wanted there. The security guard was patiently (sort of) waiting for us to leave. Kalen loaded the girls in the car and as everyone else drive away, I stood by Dylan's grave and let him know how much I love him and to help his cousin Finnley finally come to earth. I had been so anxious during my sister in law's pregnancy that Finnley would be born on Dylan's birthday. At that moment of whispering the feelings of my heart, I was overcome with a feeling of peace. Peace isn't something I have felt very often since Dylan died but for a brief second I felt it. If Finnley made his appearance on July 25th, I'd be okay. I just knew it. My sister in law, wasn't so lucky though .....he didn't come until the 31st. We were so glad when he arrived.
Brianna was so excited to hold her newest cousin!!!!
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The 4th of July came and went. It was a fun holiday. The thought of Dylan laughing when we were watching the fireworks was something I thought about. There are moments that I feel his sweet presence and for some reason that night watching fireworks was one of those times. There was a stinging ache in my heart. As I looked around at my family that night, it was incomplete. Oh how I wish I could hold him in my arms and sing to him. It's painful still, to sing songs such as Itsy Bitsy Spider, I am a Child of God, and pretty any of the Primary Songs from Church. I'm much better about savoring the moments as I put Brianna and Isabella to bed each night. I personally know that in an instant everything can change.
July continued on. Here's a few photos from that month.
Brianna had to get two fillings. Not because she had cavities but because of the way two of her teeth formed. She was so nervous but did great!
Brianna participated in a kids 1/4 mile race at East Lawn. Here she is at the starting line.
She did GREAT. She came in 1st place. That was her goal. Kalen & I are so proud of her.
I ran my fastest 5k that day. I was SO happy and proud of myself. Kalen & the girls waited patiently for me to finish.
One thing I LOVE about summer and that I am able to stay home with our children, are lazy summer mornings. Those that have known me a long time or REALLY know me, know that I LOVE routine. But when it comes to summer our routine went out the window. One morning we found a dragonfly on our patio screen door. I was too scared to touch it, but Brianna LOVES bugs and insects. So of course she had to touch it. I hoped it wouldn't fly at me. She's definitely more like Kalen than me in that way.
Since Dylan died, July is an extra hard month. This year Dylan would have been 9. I try to imagine what he'd be like. Would he still find Velcro and tissue paper hilarious?? Would he love my raspberry kisses? Would I still be able to carry him? How bad would my back be hurting since I know we still would have had to carry him? Would he find Isabella as funny as the rest of the family does? How crazy would our household be with Dylan, Brianna and Isabella living in it at the same time? Would he have been better at holding his head much, sit independently, still love Mac & Cheese and oatmeal, still have 3+ therapies a day? Would life be as I remember it was? I was happy!
On July 25th, we met with my parents, brother and his family and our good friends the Thomander's at the cemetery. We wrote messages to Dylan on the balloons and sent them upward.
We had got there later than planned so we didn't have as much time as we wanted there. The security guard was patiently (sort of) waiting for us to leave. Kalen loaded the girls in the car and as everyone else drive away, I stood by Dylan's grave and let him know how much I love him and to help his cousin Finnley finally come to earth. I had been so anxious during my sister in law's pregnancy that Finnley would be born on Dylan's birthday. At that moment of whispering the feelings of my heart, I was overcome with a feeling of peace. Peace isn't something I have felt very often since Dylan died but for a brief second I felt it. If Finnley made his appearance on July 25th, I'd be okay. I just knew it. My sister in law, wasn't so lucky though .....he didn't come until the 31st. We were so glad when he arrived.
Brianna was so excited to hold her newest cousin!!!!
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Thursday, September 13, 2012
Bloom.......
Oh my goodness!! Oh my goodness!! Did you hear the little girl from the movie Annie, in your head when you read that? Ok maybe it was only me. Anyhow, I just finished reading the book, Bloom finding beauty in the unexpected .
Check out the author's blogkellehampton.com This book is written by a mom whose daughter is born with Down Syndrome. Not all moms are going to feel how she did when they found out their child was different, but she definitely talks about some of the common feelings moms have when they find out their child has a special need(s).
I loved it when she said she didn't want to be a part of "this new group" and that she didn't ask for it. I remember feeling the same way when we learned about Dylan's special needs. It also stung my heart as now, as a grieving mother, I don't want to be a part of this group. I didn't ask for it.
If you've read it, let me know what you thought....even if you hate it.
What books are you my readers currently reading??
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Check out the author's blogkellehampton.com This book is written by a mom whose daughter is born with Down Syndrome. Not all moms are going to feel how she did when they found out their child was different, but she definitely talks about some of the common feelings moms have when they find out their child has a special need(s).
I loved it when she said she didn't want to be a part of "this new group" and that she didn't ask for it. I remember feeling the same way when we learned about Dylan's special needs. It also stung my heart as now, as a grieving mother, I don't want to be a part of this group. I didn't ask for it.
If you've read it, let me know what you thought....even if you hate it.
What books are you my readers currently reading??
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Monday, September 10, 2012
Finally.....
I have been "creating" this post in my mind for weeks. I've gradually had to add to it every time since I haven't sit down and typed anything.
Summer seemed to have come and went. I was sad to see school start. I loved having Brianna home all day. She was a great helper. I miss my sweet girl while she is in school.
So I guess since I haven't blogged in months I'll at least start at the beginning of summer. Brianna had a great year of 1st grade. She blossomed. She's so talkative and LOVES to read. I guess she takes after myself and my mom. I LOVE reading. I don't get to do it as often as I would like, but when I do it's magical!
We spent our times this summer reading, going to the library (after requesting books online, because Isabella is so interested in everything it causes me A TON of anxiety), swimming with grandpa & grandma, having a few playdates with friends and cousins, practicing the piano, somedays just doing nothing and an array of other things. I have to admit Im not one of those "fun" moms that I envision doing crafts, baking and whatever else I think "fun" moms do. You know the ones that ALWAYS seem to be perfect at everything and seem to be able to do it all. Brianna tells me I am fun and perfect. I actually believe her, because I know she loves me and doesn't know anything different. I wish I could see myself more through her eyes than my own. I know that I am by far nowhere near perfect, but hearing her say that, makes me feel "good enough".
At the end of June we celebrated my 33rd birthday. Is it strange, that I don't care if people know how old I am?? We went to Red Robin with my parents, so I could get my free birthday burger.
Then we celebrated our niece MaryEllen turning 8. She got baptized. It so wonderful. I'm grateful for the example that she set for my girls and hope that when they turn 8 they will choose for themselves if it something they want to do. She's definitely my FAVORITE niece. (I tell her that all the time, and she usually says, "Yeah because I'm you're only one." SO true.
Then it was time to celebrate my mims's birthday. Let me just say that the from the last week of June through the 4th of July it's like one big family party since we have 3 birthdays back to back. For some reason I don't have a photo on my phone of her birthday. I know I have them on our camera but seeing that my laptop is SUPER SLOW, you'll just have to believe me and picture one of our family gatherings.
Then comes the 4th of July. We went to a pancake breakfast at one of our church buildings in Rancho Cordova and then watches the parade. It was bittersweet because the last time we did either of those things Dylan was with us. But let me tell you when a motorcycle went by or the fire truck blew its horn, my family thought of Dylan and we laughed and smiled. He was with us:)
After the parade it was fun times with my brother and his family swimming at my parents. Then we had some friends over for a BBQ for some more swimming and eating. It's was GREAT day. Brianna was so tired while waiting for it to get dark so we could do fireworks she fell asleep on the couch. Luckily when I told her it was time she told me she was WIDE AWAKE.
So I know you must be eagerly waiting to read what we did next but seeing that Isabella is currently down for her nap I have to utilize my time, so the rest of July till today is going to have to wait a little bit.
Just a quick preview....Dylan's bday, Hawaii, Disneyland, Brianna's birthday, school starting and Isabella's first time at the kid's club at the gym will be next. Stay tuned. I promise it will be soon!
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Summer seemed to have come and went. I was sad to see school start. I loved having Brianna home all day. She was a great helper. I miss my sweet girl while she is in school.
So I guess since I haven't blogged in months I'll at least start at the beginning of summer. Brianna had a great year of 1st grade. She blossomed. She's so talkative and LOVES to read. I guess she takes after myself and my mom. I LOVE reading. I don't get to do it as often as I would like, but when I do it's magical!
We spent our times this summer reading, going to the library (after requesting books online, because Isabella is so interested in everything it causes me A TON of anxiety), swimming with grandpa & grandma, having a few playdates with friends and cousins, practicing the piano, somedays just doing nothing and an array of other things. I have to admit Im not one of those "fun" moms that I envision doing crafts, baking and whatever else I think "fun" moms do. You know the ones that ALWAYS seem to be perfect at everything and seem to be able to do it all. Brianna tells me I am fun and perfect. I actually believe her, because I know she loves me and doesn't know anything different. I wish I could see myself more through her eyes than my own. I know that I am by far nowhere near perfect, but hearing her say that, makes me feel "good enough".
At the end of June we celebrated my 33rd birthday. Is it strange, that I don't care if people know how old I am?? We went to Red Robin with my parents, so I could get my free birthday burger.
Then we celebrated our niece MaryEllen turning 8. She got baptized. It so wonderful. I'm grateful for the example that she set for my girls and hope that when they turn 8 they will choose for themselves if it something they want to do. She's definitely my FAVORITE niece. (I tell her that all the time, and she usually says, "Yeah because I'm you're only one." SO true.
Then it was time to celebrate my mims's birthday. Let me just say that the from the last week of June through the 4th of July it's like one big family party since we have 3 birthdays back to back. For some reason I don't have a photo on my phone of her birthday. I know I have them on our camera but seeing that my laptop is SUPER SLOW, you'll just have to believe me and picture one of our family gatherings.
Then comes the 4th of July. We went to a pancake breakfast at one of our church buildings in Rancho Cordova and then watches the parade. It was bittersweet because the last time we did either of those things Dylan was with us. But let me tell you when a motorcycle went by or the fire truck blew its horn, my family thought of Dylan and we laughed and smiled. He was with us:)
After the parade it was fun times with my brother and his family swimming at my parents. Then we had some friends over for a BBQ for some more swimming and eating. It's was GREAT day. Brianna was so tired while waiting for it to get dark so we could do fireworks she fell asleep on the couch. Luckily when I told her it was time she told me she was WIDE AWAKE.
So I know you must be eagerly waiting to read what we did next but seeing that Isabella is currently down for her nap I have to utilize my time, so the rest of July till today is going to have to wait a little bit.
Just a quick preview....Dylan's bday, Hawaii, Disneyland, Brianna's birthday, school starting and Isabella's first time at the kid's club at the gym will be next. Stay tuned. I promise it will be soon!
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