Costume and Pumpkin Carving

How old is too old

So tonight we went to a trunk or treat. It was crazy. I was amazed at how many teenagers, newborns and adults that were participating trying to get candy. So I pose this question to you, how old is to old to trick or treat and how young is too young? I mean really an infant who can't even eat solids isn't going to be eating candy. I also couldn't believe how rude some of the kids were. Man things have changed since I last went trick or treating. I never would have said to the person handing out the candy, I don't like that kind of candy I want something else. Really??? What are or should I say aren't the parents teaching their kids. This is my rant for the day!!!

Cry me a river

Today is really really hard. Today I've cried so much and it's only 9:58am. I miss Dylan. I miss seeing his smile. I so desperately miss holding him and singing his favorite songs. I miss the normal daily things. Feeding tubes, formula, therapy appointments, his therapists, my support system, making "raspberry sounds", tickling him, his vocalizations, having to change his clothes multiple times a day. I miss the normalcy of what our life was like. There is no road map or step by step directions on how to do this. I feel as if I'm in a foreign place. I don't like this foreign place. Our family doesn't like this foreign place. Even when the new normal maybe begins to feel a tinge of normal it still won't be normal. Everyday a member of our family is missing. He isn't physically here. I can't stroke his hair or brush his teeth. I can't see the excitement on Dylan's face, that happened everyday when Kalen got home.

Thank you Stacie for being there for me to today.

Here's are few poems I found that much more eloquently describe how I am feeling:

We thought of you with love today,
but that is nothing new.
We thought about you yesterday,
and days before that too.
We think of you in silence,
we often speak your name.
All we have are memories,
and your picture in a frame.
Your memory is our keepsake,
with which we will never part.
God has you in His keeping,
we have you in our hearts.
A million times we`ve wanted you.
A million times we cried.
If love could only have saved you,
you never would have died.
It broke our hearts to lose you.
But you didn`t go alone.
For a part of us went with you...
the day God called you Home.
- Author Unknown

(Of course in our case where it says she read it as the word "he")
Go ahead and mention my child,
The one who died you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further,
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending she didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that she has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine."
But healing is something ongoing.
I feel it will take a lifetime.
- Elizabeth Dent

My Grief is Like a River
My grief is like a river
I have to let it flow,
But I myself determine
Just where the banks will go.

Some days the current takes me
In waves of guilt and pain,
But there are always quiet pools
Where I can rest again.

I crash on rocks of anger--
My faith seems faint indeed,
But there are other swimmers
Who know that what I need

Are loving hands to hold me
When the waters are too swift,
And someone kind to listen
When I just seem to drift.

Grief's river is a process
Of relinquishing the past.
By swimming in Hope's channels
I'll reach the shore at last.
- Author Unknown

It's just one of those days

The grief is heavy this evening. I think it's because it's the evening before the 5 month mark of Dylan heading to the hospital. Subconsciously I wonder if our bodies and hearts know. Brianna acted out right before bed. I've been crying as Kalen and I talk about Dylan and how it's so strange (that doesn't even closely describe how it is) without Dylan here. That suffocating feeling is back at the moment. It's difficult to breathe and the weight that I feel is so heavy. How do we move forward? This has changed us. I'm a different person than 21 weeks ago. It's funny in a way how some people expect us to be the way we were 5 months ago. That we should be "over" it. There is no timeline to grief. It might hide itself for a minute, hour or day, but believe me it comes back and it comes back hard.

I hung out with some of my "special needs" moms group last week. It was very much needed. It was interesting because they said that when I write, my posts speak to them. I laughed because I feel like my posts are so discombobulated and disorganized. I'm glad that someone understands what I'm writing and takes something from it to help them be better. Whether it be a better mom, appreciate the small things, stop to help someone, put differences aside, be more forgiving, more patient, etc, that I'm glad I can help with.

It's been interesting some of the feedback I've received from a few. I guess a few don't realize that we are trying to live our life. For me that means getting up before Brianna to wake her up, get her fed, drive her to and from school, volunteer in her class, help with coaching her soccer team, try to maintain a "normal" household, fix meals, etc. If only the cleaning would take of it's self. It's so hard not being able to be "on top of things". Believe me I try. I try hard. It is extremely difficult to do the "daily household things". If I can get my family's laundry done then we are good. I'm proud of myself and Kalen that we get out of bed and go about our day, even though we would rather be in bed. I am grateful for Brianna. I am grateful that our loving Heavenly Father blessed us with her in our family. I'm grateful that she got to know Dylan. I struggle with the fact that this baby won't know Dylan here like we did. We are going to try our best to let him or her know about their big brother and how awesome and special he is to us. Brianna is excited for that responsibility. She as already told me some of the things that she is going to say. I'm grateful for Dylan. I love him so much and that's why this is so extremely hard. At times we think it's so unfair that he had to go but then we quickly think of all the times we might have lost him earlier in his life. We are glad that we got him for almost 7 years. Those 6 years, 10 months and 4 days can never be taken away. That I'm glad for. He made me a better mom, a better person, less judgmental of others, more patient, more kind, learned how to function on 4 hours of sleep (not in one stretch for 5+ years), learned how to appreciate my back hurting from lifting him, those quiet times when I got to rock him and just sing and rock him in my arms.

Because of Dylan we know so many great people, from doctors to therapists to friends. We are grateful for those relationships. Dylan made the world a brighter place for us and our family. It has been a little darker without his laugh and smile, but those have been imprinted in our minds and hearts.

Are you curious???

So I've been getting "the" look. You know the one where you are staring at someone to figure out if they are pregnant. Well, I am 14 and 1/2 weeks. We've debated announcing this for so many reasons. Let me share a few things........

1. This is something that was have wanted for a very long time, 2 1/2 years to be exact.
2. We are not trying to replace Dylan. He is irreplaceable.
3. Just congratulate us and please don't read into this pregnancy.
4. Please don't ask me if I'm excited. This is bittersweet for our family.
5. Brianna is really excited and really wants a sister.
6. No, I don't know what I am going to do with Dylan's things or his room. We asked Brianna if she wanted to make his room her's but at the moment she hasn't been to keen on the idea.
7. I have been so nauseated and tired for the past few months.
8. I'm sorry if I didn't tell you in person.
9. I'm just starting to have to wear maternity clothes. Elastic waistband oh how I love you.
10. our family will be so different in April 2011 than it is now
11. We are anxious to meet the newest member of our family.
12. For those of you that we told, thank you for keeping our news a secret until we were ready to let the world know. We appreciate it!

It's fixed

after hours and hours that I didn't have today I figured it out. It's back to "normal".

My blog layout is messed up and I didn't make any changes. Any ideas anyone? My sidebar is at the bottom of my blog but yet in the layout it shows it on the side. Strange. Help!!!!

First Day....better late than never

Here is B on the first day of school. She was so excited to be finally starting kindergarten. Kalen and I both took her to her first day of school. We LOVE to teacher and school. She knew one girl in her class before school started so that made the first day go more smoothly. She is sill worried that she will be alone at school. Her teacher thinks she means that she misses her brother.........

Overall she has adjusted well. She was student of the month for September. The theme was being prepared. I told her teacher we try. She said that B is always ready to learn, listens intently, takes initiative, and a few other things that I can't remember. We are so proud of Brianna. We love you!!!!!

Needs some ideas????

Since I'm lacking in the creative department right now, I'm turning to my blog readers. Here are two things I need help with:

1. I need some good "theme" ideas for our family to dress up for the Trunk or Treat activity we will be attending.

2. I also need some ideas on what would be a good "team parent" appreciation gift.

Any ideas from my blog readers would be great!!! I know a ton of you are way creative!!!

Just Pictures

All these pictures have been sitting here as a draft. These were just some of the happenings of the summer for our family. Hanging out, a trip to the zoo, a trip to the jelly belly factory, building of a new side fence, starting soccer, Brianna's 5th birthday, and visit to Grandma and Grandpa Bjurstrom's new home.

Not sure what to title this

I get the feeling that people feel they know me better than they really do. That came from the words of a close friend today. It made a TON of sense. Thank you Christine!!!! Maybe it's because I share my thoughts with the "world" It's been quite an interesting week. It marked another "anniversary".

I feel the need, maybe it's a want, to clarify a few things. Here we go. I have to first say, that if you are not going to be supportive then please don't leave a comment. Like my sweet sister in law, Lori said in a text to me, "Your blog is for you to express your feelings in whatever is going on in your life. If someone else thinks you complain too much they can go read another blog that's all sunshine and lollipops."

My Husband left me a note reminding me of something, quote, "I love you, have a good day, just REMEMBER you are entitled to feel however YOU WANT to feel, no matter what anyone else does or says to you." He reminded me that he experiences and feels a lot of the same things that I do and no one else really can, unless they raised and lost Dylan.....He does not know what it is like to be a mother losing a son, like I don't know what it is like for him as a father to lose his son....Just as I am sure that we (Kalen and I) can't know what it is like for Brianna to lose her only brother, someone that helped shape and influence her entire (almost) life up to this point. All important things I don't think other people have even thought to even try and understand up to this point....

There have been just a select few that have made grief even harder, while at the same time there are those that have helped me and the rest of my family carry our burden of grief. So here we go. Here are the lessons or things I have learned or just how it is:

1. I'm not mad everyday.
2. Dylan is the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the last thought before I drift off to sleep.
3. My testimony of Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father has not faltered. I know that they have carried me and my other family members for the past 18 weeks.
4. Everyone grieves differently
5. Somedays we laugh and for a moment don't feel the guilt that comes with it.
6. People are people and will say what they feel they think I need. What a few fail to realize is that half the time we (Kalen, Brianna and I) don't even know what we need.
7. The place I am in my grief is that, it is not helpful to tell me that Dylan is "in a better place". What was wrong with him being here????
8. I have been extremely forgiving of people for what they say and have numerous times bit my tongue so I don't lash out.
9. For the most part, people are kind and try to understand and I appreciate it.
10. A listening ear is much more appreciated than an open mouth
11. I am aware of other's trials and burdens. Don't think for a minute that I'm so consumed with my grief or myself that I fail to recognize others or their feelings. But let's take a step back, you want to trade (didn't think so...)
12. Grief of losing a child is not going to go away, ever. It will always be with me. it lessens and increases on various days.
13. I have always strive to be friends with everyone. Just because we don't hang out, or talk on the phone everyday doesn't mean that I don't care. I do. It's just extremely hard for me to initiate at the moment. If you need something from me you are going to have to ask. I know that is not ideal, but oh well sometimes life is not ideal.
14. I don't like how I feel everyday. It's hard.
15. This grief isn't something I can choose to turn on and off. I can choose how I am going to handle it and if you know me well then you probably are thinking that I am doing well. But that's still up for debate.
16. I don't sit here all day sorrowful, weeping, complaining. I am learning to live my life that drastically changed.
17. I know that not everyone will understand. Believe me, I've been on the other end. I've watched 2 friends lose their children. I remember I wanted to take their pain away.
18. People don't have censors, life isn't like tv.
19. It's okay to be weepy at times
20. Crying is sometimes a good thing
21. Empathy is a trait that I hope to master
22. I say more prayers than I ever have
23. We have grown smaller but stronger as a family.
24. I dread being asked the common question we all ask, "how many kids do you have?"
25. Simple daily tasks are hard for me to do, but I'm trying and that's what's important.


That's it for now:)

Some good ideas

I got this from a video from Brianna's Art Therapist. She had her first group session last night and it went well. It was amazing at the amount of grief that filled a small room at Sutter. Brianna is the only child in her group that has lost a sibling. My heart aches for the 3 families that lost their dads. One of the families had a very young infant. I can only imagine what that would be like for the wife and her children. I am looking forward to the next 5 months that Brianna will be with this group.

Here's some ideas that I got from a video they gave us. It's from Sesame Street. They have a ton of stuff on grief. Just thought I'd share.

Sharing Memories and Moving Forward

At some point you may notice that you and your family are taking “grief breaks,” or moments when you forget your sadness. Slowly, a new family story will begin to emerge through your family’s ups and downs. Give yourself and your children permission to feel happy again. Be assured that the memory of your loved one can live on in the hearts of your family. Celebrating your loved one’s life and important place in the family can be a meaningful way to begin to move forward. Here are a few ideas:

•Plan with your child a smaller memorial gathering for close friends and family. Allow everyone to share memories and stories. It’s OK to share funny memories and laughter, too!

•Listen to or sing a favorite song or eat a favorite meal dedicated to the memory of your loved one.

•Gather pictures, clothes, or favorite things of your loved one. Then take turns telling stories or writing about each item to remind all of you of the good times you shared. You could also record stories on your video camera or cell phone. Try downloading the “Memory Chain” and, as family, create a handmade remembrance of your loved one.