I get the feeling that people feel they know me better than they really do. That came from the words of a close friend today. It made a TON of sense. Thank you Christine!!!! Maybe it's because I share my thoughts with the "world" It's been quite an interesting week. It marked another "anniversary".
I feel the need, maybe it's a want, to clarify a few things. Here we go. I have to first say, that if you are not going to be supportive then please don't leave a comment. Like my sweet sister in law, Lori said in a text to me, "Your blog is for you to express your feelings in whatever is going on in your life. If someone else thinks you complain too much they can go read another blog that's all sunshine and lollipops."
My Husband left me a note reminding me of something, quote, "I love you, have a good day, just REMEMBER you are entitled to feel however YOU WANT to feel, no matter what anyone else does or says to you." He reminded me that he experiences and feels a lot of the same things that I do and no one else really can, unless they raised and lost Dylan.....He does not know what it is like to be a mother losing a son, like I don't know what it is like for him as a father to lose his son....Just as I am sure that we (Kalen and I) can't know what it is like for Brianna to lose her only brother, someone that helped shape and influence her entire (almost) life up to this point. All important things I don't think other people have even thought to even try and understand up to this point....
There have been just a select few that have made grief even harder, while at the same time there are those that have helped me and the rest of my family carry our burden of grief. So here we go. Here are the lessons or things I have learned or just how it is:
1. I'm not mad everyday.
2. Dylan is the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the last thought before I drift off to sleep.
3. My testimony of Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father has not faltered. I know that they have carried me and my other family members for the past 18 weeks.
4. Everyone grieves differently
5. Somedays we laugh and for a moment don't feel the guilt that comes with it.
6. People are people and will say what they feel they think I need. What a few fail to realize is that half the time we (Kalen, Brianna and I) don't even know what we need.
7. The place I am in my grief is that, it is not helpful to tell me that Dylan is "in a better place". What was wrong with him being here????
8. I have been extremely forgiving of people for what they say and have numerous times bit my tongue so I don't lash out.
9. For the most part, people are kind and try to understand and I appreciate it.
10. A listening ear is much more appreciated than an open mouth
11. I am aware of other's trials and burdens. Don't think for a minute that I'm so consumed with my grief or myself that I fail to recognize others or their feelings. But let's take a step back, you want to trade (didn't think so...)
12. Grief of losing a child is not going to go away, ever. It will always be with me. it lessens and increases on various days.
13. I have always strive to be friends with everyone. Just because we don't hang out, or talk on the phone everyday doesn't mean that I don't care. I do. It's just extremely hard for me to initiate at the moment. If you need something from me you are going to have to ask. I know that is not ideal, but oh well sometimes life is not ideal.
14. I don't like how I feel everyday. It's hard.
15. This grief isn't something I can choose to turn on and off. I can choose how I am going to handle it and if you know me well then you probably are thinking that I am doing well. But that's still up for debate.
16. I don't sit here all day sorrowful, weeping, complaining. I am learning to live my life that drastically changed.
17. I know that not everyone will understand. Believe me, I've been on the other end. I've watched 2 friends lose their children. I remember I wanted to take their pain away.
18. People don't have censors, life isn't like tv.
19. It's okay to be weepy at times
20. Crying is sometimes a good thing
21. Empathy is a trait that I hope to master
22. I say more prayers than I ever have
23. We have grown smaller but stronger as a family.
24. I dread being asked the common question we all ask, "how many kids do you have?"
25. Simple daily tasks are hard for me to do, but I'm trying and that's what's important.
That's it for now:)
I'm so glad you posted this. I know it isn't easy for you to open up this much about everything that is going on in your mind and heart, and I think it's very selfless of you to share that. It helps all the rest of us to know what you need, and in many cases what you DON'T need. I'm proud of you and I hope you know how much we love all of you!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Lori. If someone wants lollipops, they can find it on another blog. You are being real. This blog is for you and if people can't handle it, that's OK. They can choose not to read or respond. I also think you are incredibly brave. I don't know if I could share with the world some of the things you do. I don't think I have it in me to be that open with so many people. I admire your ability to be honest first with yourself, then with the rest of us. I think you're providing a great service to those who will someday be in this situation by educating the rest of us. Keep doing what is right for you, Kalen and Brianna. This is YOUR journey to find peace, comfort and healing. It still baffles me how people think they know what is best for another, whether they have been in a similar situation or not. We are all different. We learn things differently, see things differently, have different life experiences. How could anyone expect the same recipe for grief or even chilli to work exactly the same for everyone? It was nice spending time with you today. We love you guys. We miss Dylan and his laugh. You are often in our prayers.
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with Lori. Francesca, I'm amazed at your ability to share the feelings you feel and agree again with Lori that if people don't like it, don't read it. It's been amazing to me to see the entire process thus far, my heart goes out to you and Kalen and Brianna (and all your other affected family members.) I do wish I could take it all away from you, just as you did with your friends. I love you so much and Jeff and I are constantly praying for your family. Even though I never see you, I'm hoping that this small thing will help somehow. We love you!!
ReplyDeletethanks. i loved seeing your face and hearing your voice last week.
ReplyDeletelove,aimee
This is a list that has floated around a lot of the angel baby blogs...I've added my own input to it, but I think its really helpful to lay the 'ground rules' so to speak.
ReplyDeletehttp://giftsfromgavin.blogspot.com/p/how-to-help-when-someone-you-love-is.html
The thing is...the way we feel (mothers having lost a child) is pretty much standard, textbook, NORMAL for a grieving mom. Most people don't realize that because not a lot of people actually TALK about the bad, ugly, hard sides of grief. Blogging and the internet has helped open a way to express these feelings, and I don't think a lot of people are prepared to hear it.
They want to believe that the gospel really does bring us insta-peace and its just that easy to move on and be happy again.
Unfortunately, it doesn't. Gospel knowledge doesn't take ANY of the pain away. It doesn't make the grieving process any SHORTER. It doesn't make it any EASIER. I imagine a mother of another faith would feel pretty much the same way we do, and from what I've read online, that seems to be true.
I will say having hope really does help heal our hearts. And that's about it.
But apart from that, its just takes time and support and LOVE. Our open wounds need time to heal over and scar...and it takes a LOT longer than most people think. Grief is not just 'missing' our loved one or feeling 'sad'. Its a physiological response that is hardwired into us. Its the only way our bodies could survive so much pain and shock. The circular reasoning, the denial, the guilt, the depression...its all part of a process and its NORMAL, NATURAL, and NECESSARY!
Does that make it pretty? No. Its not. Its hard and rough and ugly and bitter and cruel. But as you begin to pick up the broken pieces and fit them into a new creation, you'll find beauty in it along the way. Grief is SACRED- ALL OF IT. You can't get to the beauty without the ugly parts first. And THANK GOD for the ones who help us get there with love and support and friendship. They will NEVER truly understand how big of a difference they can make.
Francesca you are entitled to share or not share whatever you are feeling at any given time, I mean it is your (our) blog. I will say even though it is incredibly painful and hard, I would not want to go through this without you by my side because I could not do this without you. Just like finding out about seizures and doctors and hospitals and medicines, it was something we never saw coming or every really wanted....but...I wouldn't trade any of our experiences with our special "Bubba" for anything in this world or the next.I think it is especially hard because we poured our heart and souls into caring for Dylan, everyday. It is something parents do (or should do) for everyone of their kids, but for Dylan (and for us) because of who he was and is, it was just that much more of a challenge/journey/adventure being his parents and why it is such a horrible shock and a devastating loss that someone we designed our entire family life around is...just gone. So if you want to grieve and let people know, let'em know...if you don't then you don't owe anyone an explanation.
ReplyDeleteIf someone wants "sunshine and lollipops" than they can go somewhere where the sun doesn't shine and go suck on something else and if they still don't get it, I will be more than happy to give them directions (with my boot).....
But through all of this please take to heart and Remember everyday I love you, Brianna loves you and most importantly Dylan always has and always will love you.....Kalen
I love you and your family and glad we can all be part of an eternal family. Also, I look forward to seeing our Dylan and all the colorful characters in our family when my turn on earth ends.
ReplyDelete