Cry me a river

Today is really really hard. Today I've cried so much and it's only 9:58am. I miss Dylan. I miss seeing his smile. I so desperately miss holding him and singing his favorite songs. I miss the normal daily things. Feeding tubes, formula, therapy appointments, his therapists, my support system, making "raspberry sounds", tickling him, his vocalizations, having to change his clothes multiple times a day. I miss the normalcy of what our life was like. There is no road map or step by step directions on how to do this. I feel as if I'm in a foreign place. I don't like this foreign place. Our family doesn't like this foreign place. Even when the new normal maybe begins to feel a tinge of normal it still won't be normal. Everyday a member of our family is missing. He isn't physically here. I can't stroke his hair or brush his teeth. I can't see the excitement on Dylan's face, that happened everyday when Kalen got home.

Thank you Stacie for being there for me to today.

Here's are few poems I found that much more eloquently describe how I am feeling:

We thought of you with love today,
but that is nothing new.
We thought about you yesterday,
and days before that too.
We think of you in silence,
we often speak your name.
All we have are memories,
and your picture in a frame.
Your memory is our keepsake,
with which we will never part.
God has you in His keeping,
we have you in our hearts.
A million times we`ve wanted you.
A million times we cried.
If love could only have saved you,
you never would have died.
It broke our hearts to lose you.
But you didn`t go alone.
For a part of us went with you...
the day God called you Home.
- Author Unknown

(Of course in our case where it says she read it as the word "he")
Go ahead and mention my child,
The one who died you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further,
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending she didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that she has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine."
But healing is something ongoing.
I feel it will take a lifetime.
- Elizabeth Dent

My Grief is Like a River
My grief is like a river
I have to let it flow,
But I myself determine
Just where the banks will go.

Some days the current takes me
In waves of guilt and pain,
But there are always quiet pools
Where I can rest again.

I crash on rocks of anger--
My faith seems faint indeed,
But there are other swimmers
Who know that what I need

Are loving hands to hold me
When the waters are too swift,
And someone kind to listen
When I just seem to drift.

Grief's river is a process
Of relinquishing the past.
By swimming in Hope's channels
I'll reach the shore at last.
- Author Unknown