Random Photos 4th of July & birthdays

2 Months

Oh where do I begin. This has been a really hard week for me. I've been really emotional and anti-social(thanks to those that haven't given up on me...I will call, text or email you back). It's been a really draining week for me. I think it's a combination of Dylan's birthday this past Sunday and the 2 month mark today.

I've basically have had the feeling of a throat that is tightening. You know the feeling right before you cry A LOT. I cry at everything this week. I feel that this is getting harder. My memories still aren't back yet. Will they ever come back of my sweet boy?? I have no motivation to do anything. Basically this week, I've played A LOT of Super Mario Galaxy on Wii. I've watched tons of movies with Brianna. She currently is obsessed with my favorite movie, "Annie". She puts on her tap shoes and dances along. She's pretty good.

Here are some thoughts that I've had in the last 2 months:

• Meals are always welcomed(no onions)....I still don't want to cook anything
• We are learning what our family's "normal" is
• I still feel like I should be doing something
• My whole house will slowly get back to being clean
• I have to be patient with myself and others
• People still don't know what to say or how to act around me/us. (It's okay because I remember thinking the same thing when my other friend's children died)
• I still have nightmares about Dylan dying
• I CAN push myself to exercise and not have it hurt so badly
• I really need more "girl nights"
• I want to do more but feel like I'm being held back
• People have come and gone, while some have stayed
• Some days, I'm numb
• Brianna really wants her mom back to do stuff with
• People don't want to "burden" me with their problems...really I want to know what's going on with you
• I'm always thinking about Dylan, people need not worry about making me sad talking about him.
• How am I going to let Brianna go to Kindergarten without losing the rest of my mind?
• I haven't felt anger, when is it going to come?????
• I feel so ALONE and forgotten
• I feel like I'm "going through the motions of life", but it still feel so foreign.

My mind is jumbled right now, there is so much more that I want to say, but can't seem to put it into words that make sense. The days and weeks have been long, but short at the same time. Time has been put into a new perspective for me. Cherish those around you. Appreciate the small things. Hug your kids. You never know when it will be their time to return to their Heavenly home.

My theme song for the day

The sun'll come out tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar
That tomorrow there'll be sun

Just thinkin' about tomorrow
Clears away the cobwebs
And the sorrow 'til there's none

When I'm stuck with a day
That's gray and lonely
I just stick out my chin
And grin and say, oh

The sun'll come out tomorrow
So you gotta hang on 'til tomorrow
Come what may

Tomorrow, tomorrow
I love you tomorrow
You're always a day away

The sun'll come out tomorrow
So you gotta hang on 'til tomorrow
Come what may

Tomorrow, tomorrow
I love you tomorrow
You're always a day away

Tomorrow, tomorrow
I love you tomorrow
You're always a day away



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Kalen and Dylan's video

Here's a video of Kalen and Dylan that was taken 2 years ago. I love seeing him smile and squirm in Kalen's arms.

Birthday Celebration @ the cemetery

Race

Brianna and I participated in the Alzheimer's 5k Race on Saturday. She came in third place for her age division for the 1/4 mile kids fun run. We are so proud of her. Maybe next year I can get her to run without me next to her. I ran the 5k. I ran it in 32 minutes. I'm pretty pleased with myself seeing that I hadn't trained or ran in weeks. Thanks to my friend Stacie, I was able to run a decent pace. Thanks for the support Stacie!!!! I ran right past where Dylan is buried and I got really emotional, but I finished the race. It was a good feeling. I'm glad I did it. Yes, I am sore today, but I am hoping to get back out running to train for a race. I'm not sure which one but I think I'm ready to try. Here's some random pics from race day.

Tree Vent???? and Ladybugs

Here are some photos of Brianna and her ladybug house. She really wants the Ladybug Kingdom for her 5th Birthday. Today when Uncle David was here for Dylan's celebration he asked if our tree had a vent. I thought it was pretty funny.

Happy Birthday

Dearest Dylan,
Happy Birthday. Although today is really tough and I miss you so much, it was great to have our family and close friends to honor and celebrate you. I hope you were able to see us release the balloons to you. Do you celebrate your birth up there in heaven? I'm wondering what you are doing today.

We came back home after the balloon releasing at the cemetery and had lunch and watched videos of you as a baby. It made us smile. I miss those blonde curls you use to have. I miss the way you moved. I miss the way you laugh and smile. I miss holding and tickling you. I love you with my whole heart. I know I'll see you again. Please be patient with me. I Love You!
Love,
Mommy


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Dylan

My new friend who is also an angel mom,Rach, left a comment about me letting my blog followers know more about Dylan. Where do I begin? I'll do a post myself later with my thoughts but here is the eulogy that Kalen gave at Dylan's funeral.

"Today I have the most difficult but honored privilege of eulogizing a very special little boy. Dylan Zachary Bjurstrom burst onto the scene on July 25, 2003 at a whopping 10lbs 6ozs. Francesca was probably a day or two away from getting her own zipcode. (he added I might even get my own area code because I was HUGE.)
Dylan started life as one of the world's biggest NICU babies. Francesca & I felt kinda silly in the NICU with all these 1/2 lb babies next to our monster bubba. As his father I had the privilege of getting to see & hold Dylan first. As that little man grabbed & held my index finger for the 1st hour of his life, a special unbreakable bond was formed. The next several years of hospitals, medicines, doctors, and seizures were a scary, trying and amazing growth experience for Francesca and I. Fortunately for us, our family because of Dylan was blessed with the most amazing and sometimes not so amazing group of doctors, teachers, therapists, friends, and family members anyone could ever ask for. Some of the people that were brought to us through Dylan's trials we will never forget. Dylan blessed and touched too many people to count or let alone name. Too all those who fall into one of those categories thank you. We love you & Dylan loves you too. Your support and love of both Dylan and Francesca, saved her sanity.
Dylan was many things to many people, but he will always be known for his amazing laugh which could touch any heart or soul. It was the most contagious laugh I have ever heard. In fact to this day he is the only person that had to leave a room because it was so boisterous and loud and awesome that it disrupted the room completely. He will also be remembered for his smile. A huge smile for someone that had so many trials reminded me daily of how lucky and how many blessings I have in my life.
Dylan was an amazingly smart boy. At a young age he found that if he could pretend to fall asleep he could get out of therapy or if he needed mommy to rush to his side. A simple cough or two would do just fine! As limiting as his body was, Dylan always knew what was going on. He had different reactions & responses for different people. He knew when grandpa was going to tickle, or when mommy was gonna kiss him and he made the best side kick laughing on cue each time at all of daddy's jokes. He loved Brianna's special loud kitty sound that only she could make and laugh like a man possessed. He would let you know when it was time to eat or change his pants. Dylan was a happy, funny boy, he always had a smile or a laugh ready to go and was so happy with the little things and sounds, a motorcycle, a plastic bag, Velcro, wrapping paper or a well timed fart noise would send Dylan into a fit of laughter that would require reminders to breathe, bud! Dylan loved music. A connoisseur of classical, pop, kids songs, beastie boys, and especially jazz. It would cause Dylan to kick and wiggle like a cyclist with no bicycle. We were lucky to have Dylan. To take courage & admiration of his strength & appreciate the little things.
The next part Kalen just listed topics to talk about. He then talked about our trip to Disneyland last year, how he loved coming home and seeing Dylan light up with his smile and laugh, how he got to bathe him, put him in bed, fight for him & defend him and that he got to love and care for him.
He then continued.....Take this day to celebrate Dylan. We are all better for knowing him an having him in our lives. I know he is in a better place, no meds, no needles, no hospitals, no seizures and no pain. He is in heaven walking, talking, playing and waiting to be with his family one day together forever and I know in my heart this is true. Finally Dylan has some words of his own. (Kalen said that he felt this is what Dylan wanted to say to Brianna and I).
To Brianna:
Dearest "Nana", I am so proud of you. My big little sister. I really appreciated all the things you did for me. Your patience, devotion and love you have shown me over the years made you the best sister ever. I will never forget how you use to bring me my toys or my "snake" to make me feel better. Or how you would always volunteer to mommy and daddy to get my "cans of food", pump bags, diapers, wipes or how you would help daddy with all my medicines. I love you for always worrying about me, singing to me or trying to help mommy and daddy figure me out when I was loud. Your selfless attitude & willingness to put me first, waiting to eat or going to the park shows a level of love and maturity beyond most people's abilities. Brianna I love you and I will always be in your heart. Love, Dylan.

Dearest Mommy,
It did not matter that I could not talk, because no words could explain the amount of love or depth of my feelings for you. I know you loved me with all your heart. Your love shone through in every kiss, hug, touch, tear and snuggle you gave me. I know raising me wasn't easy and I am sorry for all the frustrations and headaches I caused you. But know I know you loved me. You fought for me, you cared for me,you cherished me and I loved you every second of every minute of everyday that we were together no matter how long or short they seemed. My laughs and smiles were my gift to you. Treasure them always, as I treasured you. I want you to know there is no better honor than being your child and that you are my mommy. I love you and we will be together forever. Love, Dylan.
Please smile because we all know Dylan is.

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Happiness

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Made it

I made it through today without the jabbing pain. Don't get me wrong there were still lots of tears. Maybe my heart is healing, but I know it's going to take a long time.



Questions that come to my mind often are:
1. Am I grieving too much?
2. Am I not grieving enough?
3. What's it gonna be like 6 months from now?
4. Why am I even thinking what's it gonna be like 6 months from now?
5. Will people remember Dylan's death in 6 months, a year, 3 years, 6 years?
6. If people do remember, will they tell us, show us, comfort us?
7. Why do I think about half the things I do?
8. Will our grief counselor really be able to help us? (we really like her, so glad we switched)
9. How many people have gone and visited the cemetery without us knowing?
10. Those that have gone has it been a good experience?
11. What is my bubba doing?
12. Is he happy?
13. Does he miss us?
14. Is B going to forget Dylan and the lessons he taught her?
15. Who is the next person's child I know going to die?
16. Why was Dylan one of the first?
17. Will I be able to comfort them in some way?
18. When will the motivation come back to clean my house?
19. When will I be "normal" and do I even want that?
20. I seriously want a shirt that says, "my son died, ask me about him".

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Sitting here

I sit here today wondering what today will bring. Will it bring moments of happiness, smiles, laughter, tears, frustration, anger, all of the above or something else. For some reason this week has been hard. It started off hard. I don't know if it's because Dylan's birthday is on Sunday or we are rapidly approaching the 2 month mark of his death, or is it just my life. I miss Dylan. There are no words that I feel that can describe the depth of the way I feel. Losing your child is one of the worst things. Confusion. Mass confusion is what I feel. I've been told that the "sting" goes away, but when. Do I even want it to? I'm scared that if it does then I'm forgetting. I don't want to forget.

Brianna still asks in her prayers that her brother can come back from Heaven. Oh how I wish that could happen right now. She misses Dylan. Sometimes throughout the day we will cry together or talk about our memories. It's hard because she doesn't have another sibling to talk to, or play with. And that is so hard. I have to be her constant entertainment and half the time have no motivation to do anything. Hopefully one day our family will be blessed with another child. I'm not sure I'm ready for that right now though. There a whole bunch of emotions that come along with that.

With Dylan's birthday coming up, I've been thinking about what I can give him. All that comes to mind is service. I feel that I need to perform acts of kindness to others around me. I would encourage you to do the same. Wherever you are, take a few minutes this week to do something for someone. If you feel like sharing what you did, we'd love to hear about it.

I have so much "time" on my hands. I need to keep busy but am so emotionally drained that it's hard. I'm having to make lists of things to do, because my mind is so not there. I am so forgetful. I've been told that it will "come back". For those of you that know me, know how "on top" of things I was. Now I forget. My organization that I guess I'm known for seems to have faded. Things I like to do aren't the same. I'm not the same.

Last night I went to my favorite spin instructor at the gym. I was surprised that she remembered me. She came up and said that she hadn't seen me for awhile. She even remembered my name. I told her what happened. She was shocked and of course I saw the pity for me on her face. She's starting a new "boot camp spin" class tonight and she wants me there as her guinea pig. So Dylan's teacher and I are going to be there. Hopefully I have enough in me to make it through the class. To me, the fact that she remembered me and knew my name felt good. I'm not sure why she remembered me, I've never really talked to her. She didn't know me for having a son in a wheelchair, or a daughter with a great personality. She remembered ME. It really felt nice to be remembered.

As I go forward today, I will TRY to be HAPPY. I will TRY to SMILE. I WILL miss DYLAN, that I know.

Playdate with the cousins

It was a good start to the day. We joined Lori, MaryEllen, Henry and Emmett at the park this morning. The kids had fun running all over the place. I enjoyed visiting with Lori. We LOVE cousin playdates;) MaryEllen came up to me and said that she gave Dylan his superhero power when the kids were deciding which "powers" they each had. I can remember which one she said he had. It was sweet. I'm glad she hasn't forgotten Dylan.


Henry is one of the funniest kids I know. I absolutely love his voice!


Enjoying the see saw.



These kids make me happy!
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I guess I'm proud

Today was really hard, but I actually made it to the gym for a spin class. I want to give a huge thanks to my sister in law, Lori for going with me. I needed the support in order to go. The air conditioning was out in the spin room. It was so hot!!!! I'll try again tomorrow. Slowly, ever so slowly, I am getting routine. Nothing set in stone though. Think good thoughts.


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B says the funniest things

Brianna: "Mom, can I have a graham crapper?"

Me: "a what? (chuckling)

Brianna: "a graham crapper, you know with the honey"

Me: "oh you mean a graham CRACKER"

Brianna: "yeah that's what I said"

Had to share.........