ugh today. We went to church today. I guess it's getting easier going and walking in just the 3 of us. I feel like we still stick out but it's different than before. Before we were a family of 4 with a boy in a wheelchair. We were use to the looks, the curious ones and not so curious ones. We were the ones with a severe special needs child. Now I feel like I'm looked at, as the one whose child died. And people have to walk on eggshells around me.
When I've met new people, they ask me how many kids I have, I honestly don't know what to say. I know I have 2 but do I have to tell the story over and over and over, or do I just say one to spare me the heartache and the sad look I get from others. But yet I want them to know that I have a sweet boy in heaven waiting for me. I NEED them to know. I just don't know what to do about it. I feel like I've been there before when Dylan was here with us, getting the looks but now it's different. I feel like I am being watched to see how I'm handling Dylan's death. I wonder what people think about when they look at me or my other family members. Do I seem like I am put together, happy, humbled, sad, depressed, worried, intimidating, unapproachable, "over it", struggling?
It's weird the things that I think about...........but I know people are watching me. (yes I sound paranoid)
Oh, the "how many kids do you have" is a killer! I find you have to judge the situation. Is this someone you are never going to see again? Someone who is just making polite chatter? I always say three, I just don't give any details. They really don't want them, you know? They aren't going to question why you only have two (or in your case one) with you. If they ask their ages, I always tell them how old Hannah would be if she were still here with me.
ReplyDeleteThis way, I'm honoring my sweet Monkey, but I don't have to get into the details of her dying.
Now, with that said, be prepared for Brianna to share it, and for the inevitable shocked expressions from the strangers. It doesn't hurt *me* to talk about Hannah, but I find others are quite uncomfortable with the idea of a child dying.
This is such an awful awful thing. You would be surprised by how many of us are in this "club". People you wouldn't even think. Because, really, this isn't something people talk about, you know?
Anyhow, many many HUGS and prayers for you. You're doing so well. :o)
I think that you are doing so well too Francessca. I can't see you to "watch" you, but I know that people who are watching you are doing it with love. Anyone who gives you a blank stare is probably trying to think of "THE" thing to say that is going to make it all better for you. I know that is how I felt with Stacie. I just wanted to fix it all for her, to say the right thing and I didn't know what to say, or do. After feeling just a glimpse of how you feel now (after we lost our baby) I just wish that I would have carried on a normal conversation like we would have before. My "blank" stares were never actually blank on the inside. They were mourning stares. Remember that people don't always think about Dylan all day, but when they see you, they remember and mourn a little. I'm sure that is what you are witnessing right now. I'm so sorry that you have to go through all of this Fran--I love ya so much. Wish I could be there to scoop you up and away.
ReplyDeleteI loved what Rach had to say, she is very sweet. You should def. say 2 kids. She's right, people won't wonder why your second is not right there with you.
XOXOXOXO