I sit here today wondering what today will bring. Will it bring moments of happiness, smiles, laughter, tears, frustration, anger, all of the above or something else. For some reason this week has been hard. It started off hard. I don't know if it's because Dylan's birthday is on Sunday or we are rapidly approaching the 2 month mark of his death, or is it just my life. I miss Dylan. There are no words that I feel that can describe the depth of the way I feel. Losing your child is one of the worst things. Confusion. Mass confusion is what I feel. I've been told that the "sting" goes away, but when. Do I even want it to? I'm scared that if it does then I'm forgetting. I don't want to forget.
Brianna still asks in her prayers that her brother can come back from Heaven. Oh how I wish that could happen right now. She misses Dylan. Sometimes throughout the day we will cry together or talk about our memories. It's hard because she doesn't have another sibling to talk to, or play with. And that is so hard. I have to be her constant entertainment and half the time have no motivation to do anything. Hopefully one day our family will be blessed with another child. I'm not sure I'm ready for that right now though. There a whole bunch of emotions that come along with that.
With Dylan's birthday coming up, I've been thinking about what I can give him. All that comes to mind is service. I feel that I need to perform acts of kindness to others around me. I would encourage you to do the same. Wherever you are, take a few minutes this week to do something for someone. If you feel like sharing what you did, we'd love to hear about it.
I have so much "time" on my hands. I need to keep busy but am so emotionally drained that it's hard. I'm having to make lists of things to do, because my mind is so not there. I am so forgetful. I've been told that it will "come back". For those of you that know me, know how "on top" of things I was. Now I forget. My organization that I guess I'm known for seems to have faded. Things I like to do aren't the same. I'm not the same.
Last night I went to my favorite spin instructor at the gym. I was surprised that she remembered me. She came up and said that she hadn't seen me for awhile. She even remembered my name. I told her what happened. She was shocked and of course I saw the pity for me on her face. She's starting a new "boot camp spin" class tonight and she wants me there as her guinea pig. So Dylan's teacher and I are going to be there. Hopefully I have enough in me to make it through the class. To me, the fact that she remembered me and knew my name felt good. I'm not sure why she remembered me, I've never really talked to her. She didn't know me for having a son in a wheelchair, or a daughter with a great personality. She remembered ME. It really felt nice to be remembered.
As I go forward today, I will TRY to be HAPPY. I will TRY to SMILE. I WILL miss DYLAN, that I know.
I think that these blog entries are a great birthday present, if not to him to others. They remember him, celebrate him, honor him, grieve him, and help you work through this. And they help others.
ReplyDeleteOn a much smaller scale, I had a miscarriage in the fall and have had the hardest time dealing with it, especially the past month having just passed my due date for that baby. Reading your entries has helped me put things into perspective and see that people get through things far worse than my small trials. So thank you and Happy Birthday Dylan
Ah, what to address first. The sting of pain. It sort of eases, and you don't realize it, rather like when you have a sore throat, and every day it gets better, but it's so gradual you don't really notice until one day, you realize your throat doesn't hurt any more but you aren't sure when it happened. I still have horrible sting-y days, but they occur very infrequently now.
ReplyDeleteBirthday? Hannah's first birthday post death was Sept. 21, 2007. If you search my archives around then, you can see what we did. We have a special place we like to go to visit Han. We did a big to-do that first year because we knew it was going to be so hard.
I will DEFINITELY do something special and wonderful on Dylan's birthday.
Lily still cries for Hannah and she was only 19 months old when we lost her. She will say she wishes Hannah could come down from Heaven. Or, she'll pray for God to send her home. :sigh: I understand.
Keep moving, keep working out, keep doing what you're doing. You'll find your way. I promise.
HUGS!