I should have just continued on the earlier post

Dylan's birthday is coming up and I'm so full emotions. I want whatever we do to be perfect. He deserves it. It's so soon after his death. Before Dylan died I was just starting to think about planning his birthday celebration, instead I had to plan his funeral. Now he's birthday is a little over 2 1/2 weeks away.

It HURTS!!!! It seems so unfair that Dylan was taken back to his Heavenly home. I HOPE he is happy. I HOPE he knows how much I love him. I HOPE that this pain will not be so jabbing. I HOPE that one day I can make it through the day without crying. I HATE crying!!!!!!

How do I move forward and be HAPPY. It just doesn't seem right to be happy one day knowing that my sweet boy died. I remember thinking that a little after Dylan was born. At that time I thought it was so unfair that we had a child that wouldn't be considered "perfect" to the world But Dylan was perfect in so many ways. I am so grateful for the lessons he taught me. I am thankful for his smile, his laugh, his personality, him helping me to grow, and learning from him. Although he couldn't talk, he could communicate. Dylan was the best teacher I ever had. If I could be more like him, then maybe I would be "AMAZING". I still find it odd that people tell me, I'm strong, amazing, and other adjectives. I don't feel any of those. I was just doing my "job". Wouldn't any parent? I was and am Dylan's mom.

I feel bad for the times I lost my temper or was frustrated. I keep being told I'm only human. I THINK I did my best. I hope Dylan knows I did my best. I made sure he was taken care of well. We loved him so much, and we still do.

It's been hard to go into his room, but when I can, I smell his sheets, his pillow, the small amount of dirty clothes that are in his hamper (his clothes really didn't get dirty unless he spit up on them) It's hard to think those are the last few physical things that still have his scent. It worries me that one day it will fade. It's almost 6 weeks since Dylan died. To think he was here with me 6 weeks ago today is so hard. I try, I try really hard to think about what we did the last few days together. But it's still a blur. Maybe it's because pretty much everyday was the same, but with different therapists. I do know that 6 weeks ago tonight I would have been at the cannery that our church has, canning spaghetti. I remember telling people that Dylan was doing good, and that he was sleeping more. I've learned that things can change so quickly. I think to myself if I would have known, would I have done anything differently. Honestly I don't know. We loved him. We laughed, we smiled, we spent time together.

I'm trying to be happy. But it's so weird. How can I smile or laugh knowing I have a child that died. I NEVER thought that Dylan would die at such a young age. I PLANNED for him to live until he was an adult. I had shared with a few people that I hoped God knew my heart and knew that I didn't want Dylan to out live me or Kalen. Can you imagine a world where you can't see well, but what you knew was instantly gone and you couldn't express that to those around you . I only could imagine the pain he would feel if something happened to Kalen or I. His world, like mine would be turned upside down. I don't even know what to make of it half the time. I thought that Dylan would be a part of our earthly family for many many many many many many more years. Brianna has even said, without us coaxing her, that she would take care of Dylan when me and Kalen got old or were sick. She is such a sweet child. I am so grateful that she is a part of our family. I am grateful that I have her to hug on and cry with when we miss Dylan. She LOVES her big brother.

The floodgates have opened.........till next time.