Goodbye 2013...Hello 2014

Can it REALLY be New Year's Eve Day? I mean seriously where has the year gone. I know we hear that from at last a few people, BUT I seriously mean that. Maybe it has something with me being pregnant for most of the year and then for the last month plus I've been in a newborn fog.

I look forward to what the next year brings. I'm hoping and praying for lots happiness and joy for my family. I am so grateful for the blessings that we have in our life. I'm grateful for our newest addition (even if it means a lack of sleep). I am REALLY, REALLY looking forward to the big changes that will be happening (hopefully) for our family in 2014.

I'm thinking back to the post I did back in January about my goal of being "better". Has it really almost been a year since I wrote that post????  I'm not sure I achieved it in every area that I had planned but in some areas I feel like I succeed. With life, I've learned that all you can do is to keep trying. You might fail, but if you keep at it you most likely will succeed.

So here are the goals I planned to focus on for the last almost 12 months. I still have a LONG ways to go but I feel like I've learned to be "better". There is still lots of growth I need to do with all of these things.

1.  Can I be more patient when Kalen gets home later than planned? 
2. Can I be better at noticing others in need? 
3. Can I be better in acting on my observation and helping someone out? 
4. I can be better at helping Brianna with her homework? 
5. Can I be better at spending time with Isabella during the day? 
6. Can I be better at reading my scriptures? 
7. Can I have more meaningful prayers? 

I've decided that my word/theme for 2014 is "Confidence". I lack this trait, believe it or not. I've heard it from so many people that I seem so confident with everything and that I'm intimidating. I might be confident with some things but am lacking it A LOT in my life. Seriously, I can't be intimidating! That always seems to make me laugh. If people only knew how insecure I am.

Ever since Dylan died, I've found myself questioning EVERYTHING, even simple silly things. That's where grief attacks me. It makes me question myself and my ability to do or act on things. So with the new year, I will work on having confidence in myself that I can do things. I hope to have confidence that my desire for starting to teach beginning piano lessons will be successful, that I can be confident as I make simple choices throughout my day and not over think everything. I hope that I can be confident with my appearance. I hope to be confident in my beliefs and being willing to share them with others. I hope to be confident as a mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend. 

So here's to a great year of learning and growing! What are you hoping to accomplish in the New Year? Tell me here or on Facebook:)

Slowly but surely

I'm laying in here in my nice warm bed thinking about a million different things. The mind is a wonderful thing but can also be the worse weapon I've decided. 

I got cleared yesterday to start doing "normal" activities since recovering from my c section. It was the shortest amount of time after having surgery this time. My doctor saw me at 4 1/2 weeks. I usually have my post op appointment around 6 or even 8 weeks. I'm definitely NOT complaining about that. I've been actually going a little stir crazy around here. I've been seeing people run and have been so envious of them. I haven't been able to run for over 7 months. Yikes!!!

After my appointment I texted a friend to see if she'd want to go for a run. The excitement for me with just the thought of going for a run, was probably easily compared to Brianna's excitement of Santa coming on Christmas Eve. I have been waiting for what feels like a LONG time to lace up my shoes and go. 

So taking my doctor's advice of "listen to your body", I put on my running clothes and laced up my shoes. (I need to remember to go get new running shoes) I grabbed my phone and opened the Nike running app. Off I went. It went wonderful, despite the worry that although my doctor did a fantastic job putting me back together, there is just the constant fear I might rip open so I was a little cautious during my first .25 of a mile. I met up with my friend and off we went. We ran a little, walked a little and continued that pattern. I am definitely sore this morning, but it's the good kind of sore. You know the kind where you pushed yourself but it's not painful?? 

So hopefully I'll be able to start running more and more each time. I'm hoping to do a half marathon in either March or April. Hopefully I can get my body to remember how to run a race like that!

So I'm curious, I LOVE to run as my favorite way to exercise, but what is yours? Leave a comment here or tell me on Facebook.

Overwhelmed

I PROMISE this isn't a complaining post. I have to make it fast because I can hear Sophia starting to wake up (I think) and Isabella is spinning around by the Christmas tree. I can just see her crashing into it and it falling over and a bazillion pieces of ornaments all over the floor.

Well I've been care for a newborn for now 3 1/2 weeks. I still feel like I have NO idea what I'm doing. I jokingly posted on my Facebook status back on December 10th, "I can't be the only mom that isn't a "baby whisperer" right?? What is it about newborns that make me feel like I have NO idea what I'm doing? The joys of motherhood:)" I still feel this way. Some people commented that it's just eat, sleep and diaper changes, which seems SO simple, but there is WAY more to it. I actually got both my family room and kitchen floors cleaned yesterday and dishes washed. Yay!!! This is huge with a baby that spits up ALL the time and has reflux and a super busy toddler that is wanting LOTS of attention. I don't blame Isabella. A new baby is A LOT of work.

Isabella is getting 1 on 1 time with me when Sophia is napping, but I worry about Brianna. Both girls are usually awake once she gets home from school. Any suggestions from you moms and or dads out there that have had to deal with this. I don't want Brianna resenting her new sister. As it stands right now her 1 on 1 time with me is when we drive home from school. That's a whole 20 mins. I hope it's enough for the moment.

So my question for today, is how do you moms or dads with multiple children spread out your time for your kids, spouse and everything else that needs to be done around the house??

I saw this 2-hour House Cleaning Checklist on one of the blogs I follow and am going to do this today to see if I can feel like I actually accomplished something. You can find the printable here if you'd like to try it. It's on the blog, Money Saving Mom -

21 Days to a Simple Christmas: Day 17. 

Here's the link of the printable if you'd like to join me. http://moneysavingmom.com/2013/12/21-days-simple-christmas-day-17.html

Hope you have a great Thursday! And if you happen to remember to do an act of service, PLEASE PLEASE send me what you did. Dylan's stocking has only 2 acts in it:(

Christmas Card 2013

Stationery Card

View the entire collection of cards.

Dylan's Stocking/Acts of Service or Kindness

It's that time of year again.....we are going on our 4th Christmas without Dylan. I'm not sure exactly what words to use to describe how I feel about missing him this year. What I can say is that I miss him and long for the day I will see him again. It seems surreal that he isn't here. I still have moments where I find myself thinking, "He was real, right"? Strange I know. It's amazing how grief affects my brain, my memories, my logic. 

So to carry on the past tradition of the last 3 Christmases, please mail or email me your acts of service. With those letters we fill Dylan's stocking so it won't be empty on Christmas Day. So please help us carry on the tradition. Share this with anyone who you think would like to participate. 

If you need our address shoot me an email at francescabjurstrom@sbcglobal.net

Sophia

She's here!!

Sophia was born on November 25th at 11:25am. She weighed 7lbs 4ounces and was 20 inches long. She's my smallest baby.

We are all doing well. I meant to do this post weeks ago but have been in a "newborn fog". We are so glad that we took a huge leap of faith and decided after much thought & prayer to have another baby. We feel so blessed. 

We've gone from a family with "living members" of 4 to 3 to 4 to 5, but really we are a family of 6. Here we are the morning of my c section. 

I am grateful to be a mom to Sophia. She is such a sweet baby. I mean what baby isn't?? She wants to be held all the time, which is making it hard to get things done BUT it's okay. 

Sophia has reflux which isn't fun, so baby Zantac is being given 2 times a day. Our experience with Dylan, has taught us so much. I'm grateful for our pediatrician who still lets me call his direct number and answers my questions. The medicine is helping and I'm grateful for that too. 

Here's a picture of our girls. I just love this one. 

Anxious

Have you ever known that your life was going to change in an instant?? That's the impeding feeling, I am feeling right now. Today is the last Friday of being pregnant. Life as I've known it for the past 2 1/2 years will be changing. It's scary. It's the unknown. I'm nervous about so many things.

First of all I'm worried that something is going to wrong….whether it be with my surgery or with Sophia. I know everyone tells me all will be okay, but having had a special needs child, I know that it isn't ALWAYS okay. We did do genetic testing back in July and all looked great, BUT Kalen & I both know that there a million things that they can't test for. We aren't as naive was we were when I was pregnant with Dylan. We didn't have any idea that Dylan would have the challenges he did, BUT Kalen and I both had a feeling that something was wrong but didn't know what. This time around, I'm worried something is wrong, or at least that's what I'm telling myself. It's a different kind of feeling. For the past 3 weeks I've had to do antepartum testing. While it was kind of annoying to have to find a sitter for Isabella, there was comfort in hearing her heartbeat and making sure she was moving enough. I guess I'm grateful that my blood pressure was a little high at my doctor's appointments. That's what sent me to get the testing done.

I'm worried that Isabella is going to have a VERY hard time with a new baby in the house. I've been told a million things from different people on what to do to help her adjust. I think we will just have to wait and see. She is already referring to herself as "baby Isabella" and crawling on the floor sometimes instead of walking. I had started to potty train her but decided that it wasn't that great of an idea since I'm pretty sure she would regress once the new baby is here.

I'm sure ALL moms have had this worry at sometime during their children's lives, "How am I going to be able to do it"? Kalen is taking 2 weeks off and my parents are flying  home for a little over a week to help, but what happens when they leave and Kalen is back at work? That is terrifying to me. I've at least had my parents next door to help once Kalen went back to work and I felt more confident in my mothering skills. I have a feeling that dinners will be VERY simple and that there will be MANY, MANY days in pjs. As long as Brianna gets to and from school, gets her homework done, my children are clean, feed and happy, PJ days are okay with me. I know that there is ALWAYS an adjustment period after a new baby comes home.

Another worry I have is, "What if I die on the operating table"? I know the chances are small but still it's there. I mean I have to sign a consent form with that possibility. This will be my 4th and last c-section. It sounds weird but I think I've purposefully have forgotten the recovery part. I've had a few friends who have had one this past year and they are up and moving fairly quicker than I EVER remember doing. My recovery was HORRIBLE with Isabella. I think part of it was still dealing grief of Dylan's death and having it be almost 6 years since I had had a c section. I'm hoping and praying that all goes smoothly this time around. I mean what would Kalen do with a newborn, a 2.5 year old and an 8 year girl? I can't let my mind go there, but it does. Just please pray and think good thoughts for me. I'm not sure how my grief is going to be manifested on one of the happiest days of my life. But I can feel it hiding, waiting for it to appear with full force.

I remember before Isabella was born, wondering if I could love her as much as I do my other kids. Once I saw her I was "in love". The love I instantly felt for her and Brianna and Dylan is magical! I know that I will love Sophia the moment I see her, but there is that question running through my head, "Will I have that magical moment like with the others?" Someone please tell me I'm not the only pregnant woman to think this!!!

I can't wait for Monday to come. To meet our newest family member. She will be fresh from heaven. I can picture Dylan telling her all about our family and filling her in on things that drive me nuts and things that will touch my heart. In some strange way it helps me feel closer to Dylan.

In the meantime, besides having crazy dreams, cleaning like a crazy woman, having a sore back and feeling anxious, I am going to try my hardest to enjoy the last few days with just Kalen, Brianna and Isabella.

What have you found helpful with helping calm your nerves about motherhood? Leave a comment or tell me on Facebook.

Found this article. Totally agree with it!

I saw this on a friends Facebook page and have already shared it on my profile. In case we aren't friends on Facebook, here is the link. The article is titled, "How to talk to a parent who has lost a child. From someone who has been there".

As I read the article, I felt as if I was reading something I had wrote, told some of my friends or have thought. I think it's a great perspective on how a mother feels when her child dies. Please take a moment to read it.

Happy Sunday!

Realization

As the days seem to be quickly going by, I realized that I need to cherish these last few weeks with Isabella. It will be the last time it will just be her & I together during the day. It makes me a little sad. While she keeps me super busy, I enjoy her "full of life" personality, and her sweet little voice.



She has zero idea on how our family is going to be changing in a few weeks. She sees the new crib, changing table, baby supplies and knows that they are for someone that will be named, "Sophia".



I am really interested on how she will do with "sharing" Mommy & Daddy. I think it's going to be a bumpy road for a few weeks, but I know she will get use to it. Anyone have any tips or ideas on how we can help her adjust to a new sibling?



Brianna was 5 1/2 when Isabella was born so she could understand it a little better. She LOVED having a new baby but in her words, "didn't like how busy I was with her (Isabella)". It's hard being a parent!! Making sure that each of your kids know how much you love and cherish them.



I can wait for the 25th for when my c section will be, so I can spend some quality 1 on 1 time with each of my girls. It's strange to think that this is the last time I will be pregnant, the last time I will have surgery to remove a baby, the last time to feel a baby move inside me, the last time I have a watermelon looking belly, the last time to have a newborn. As hard as it is having a brand new baby, I hope despite the lack of sleep and recovery from surgery that I will be able to cherish each moment and "live" it. Live in the moment and not look too far ahead.



I'm grateful that I am able to be a mother. I am grateful that my body has been able to carry 4 beautiful children. I am grateful for modern medicine that allows me to have c sections. I am grateful for my husband who will help with the girls at night so I can rest. I am grateful I have had wonderful friends who watch my girls for my numerous appointments I've had with this pregnancy. It has been very hard without my mom being here to help. I'm so grateful that I was able to have them right next door. It's been an adjustment while they have been on their mission. I can't believe that they will be back in less than 6 months. CRAZY!!!



So what words of wisdom do you have for this 4th time mom? Leave a comment here or tell me on Facebook:)

Friendship

So I've been thinking  A LOT about friendship lately. Sometimes finding and keeping friends in my 30's is WAY harder than junior high or high school. Definitely less drama though (at times). Since this topic has been on my mind, I asked myself, "What makes someone a good friend to me" and "How can I be a good friend in return"? I started thinking and this is what a good friend to me is:

• Someone who WANTS to be MY friend. I've had many friends over the years that I think maybe  the feeling wasn't reciprocated. Meaning I wanted or valued them more than the other way around?
• Someone who reciprocates friendly interaction. To me this means, I'm not the only one that emails, calls or text. I consider someone a TRUE friend that will initiate a relationship. We are all busy but I feel that is a relationship, whatever kind it is, needs action on both parties part. It's always hard when I feel a friendship is one sided. 
• Someone who can keep my information private and not tell the whole world. Basically someone who is trustworthy.
• Someone that is loyal (which goes along with someone that is trustworthy). This one is such a broad thing, but basically it's comes down to someone sticking up or defending me to others.
• Someone that shares with me their joys, frustrations, pain, sadness, happiness. their hearts desires, etc. 
• Someone that doesn't come around only when they "need" something from me.

I'm sure there are more qualities that I want in a friend, but at the moment those are the "big" ones for me. I hope that I am the type of friend that others look for. I truly cherish my friends. While I don't talk to some frequently enough, I know that we are still friends. 

I am so grateful for my friends both near and far. Just this past year I was able to reconnect with my long lost friend, Beth, thanks to my oldest friend, Meghan. I am grateful for their friendship and that we have been able to reconnect. I don't plan on letting them out of my life anytime soon.

We all want to have friends, but how often do we stop and think how we are "being" a friend to others. I know there are times in all of our lives where we get busy and fell out of the loop. I think true friends will most often accept our lack of action due to life's challenges thrown at us, with open arms. I hope to be a better friend to my friends that I have. I hope to have more meaningful relationships with them. Cherish your friends. Make a new one. Be someone that other people want to be around (that one is SO hard for me).

So I ask you, "What do you look for in a true friend"? Let me know here or on Facebook.

1 month

Where has the time gone?? I seriously have meant to blog. This past month has flown by. In exactly 30 days, we will be welcoming our newest member into our family. This is assuming she doesn't come early. The other 3 haven't so I'm hoping this one will stick to the same plan. We will see though.

I feel like there is so much to do, in order to "be ready" for a new baby, but really nothing prepares you for parenthood, whether it's your first or fourth time around. Maybe when it's your fourth, you have a better idea of what needs to be "really" taken care of or what you actually need for a baby. As of right now, I know I NEED to find the crib hardware that somehow became unattached to the crib frame. I REALLY don't want to have to buy a crib for our last kid. Unreasonable??? I hope not. I also need to find a dresser/changing table for her. I don't think having clothes in bins is a very good idea.

So in 1 month I hope to accomplish getting her room ready, clothes washed and put into the drawers (of the dresser I don't have as of yet), and my hospital bag packed (I really never know what to put in there since all my kids have been planned c-sections). While only three things here are listed, I know that is WAY more than needs to be done. Oh I forgot as massive cleaning of my house. That should be fun being 35 weeks and 6 days pregnant. Oh and I hope to get a pedicure before I head to the hospital, so if anyone wants to join me let me know:)

Those of you pregnant or have been pregnant in the past, what makes the last month at all enjoyable?? Because, REALLY how enjoyable is the last month of pregnancy! For me it's including swollen feet and ankles, varicose veins in my right foot and everyone telling me I look HUGE. I'm telling you pregnancy at times has had a negative aspect for my self esteem. I just have to remind myself that it will pass and then I can RUN again. I can't wait for that day! Plus I'll have a sweet baby girl to hold (even better)!

I'm excited to see how quickly or slowly this month goes. I hope it doesn't go too fast, so we can enjoy that last moments of being a family of 4 living individuals. Can't believe that if Dylan were alive we'd be a family of 6. We might haven't even had this baby if Dylan were alive. That's strange to think about. Wow! Life has a weird way of working out sometimes.

Wednesday

I have to admit there is something about Wednesdays. They are one of my favorite days of the week. Maybe it's because I know the week is half over. Am I the only one?? Truly I can't be.

My mind has been racing with a million thoughts today. Here's just a few things that have been going through my mind:

• I need to find a crib bedding set I like that doesn't cost an arm and a leg. Should I attempt to make one with the help with one of my many friends that can sew? -- It's not like she is going to care what her sheets look like, but I do.

• What should I make for dinner? ----- I found myself thinking of this at 7:15 this morning. Dinner is still hard for me to do since Dylan died. You'd think I'd be a pro by now since it's been over 3 years but it's still tough.

• Do I REALLY want to buy more maternity clothes for 8 more weeks?? I LOVE that it's now FALL but hate that when pregnant you have to buy certain clothes. It just seems dumb.

• What should I clean today?

• As I stare at our entryway wall, I keep telling myself that I will hang up some of our family pictures to go along with the "B" I got at Hobby Lobby a few months ago. Then my mind races to the thought that I REALLY want to go to Hobby Lobby but I don't REALLY need anything from there. I've really been focusing on need vs. wants lately. Isn't it amazing how we try to convince ourselves we NEED something.

• I should really do laundry (again), but don't want to.

• What's a good title for the book I REALLY want to write?

• I should really start doing/making things that I've pinned on Pinterest that I have been wanting to do for months.

• What is Brianna going to be for Halloween? I know it's still September, but I honestly HATE Halloween. Especially since Dylan died. I don't mind the trick or treating but really dislike all the goore, death and creepy stuff that comes along with it. She says she wants to be a "Pot of Gold" to go along with Isabella's rainbow costume. Seems pretty easy enough to make, but I better get a start on it IF that's what she really is going to be. Anyone have one or know where I could just buy one??

• Are the baby's kicks/movements "normal"? Having had a kid with seizures it's SO hard not to mentally go there and worry that something is wrong.

• I REALLY need to get the rest of the coupons I have out, cut and put away and matched up with this weeks ad's of what we need. Why is couponing so hard to do when I REALLY like doing it. Seeing an average of at least 55% does something for me:)

I think that's it for now. Add in needing to clean my house, move Isabella into Brianna's room, move the toys into the office/playroom and I think I have just a few things to keep me busy.

What's on your list of things to do that just NEVER seem to get done?? I can't be the only person that has this happen to, right??

Tell me here or on Facebook:)

Bribe or Reward....take your pick

So last week I felt like I was almost at my wits end with trying to keep Isabella from getting out of her bed. I was tired of the fits she was throwing and my yelling. I want it to be peaceful for everyone in our house at night. I was seriously worried that it wouldn't get back that way.

After much prayer, consulting with friends and talking with Kalen, we decided to "entice" her with a bribe/reward. Monday night I told her that if she stayed in her bed and didn't get out that I would take her to the park the next day. Sure enough she stayed in bed. So we headed to the park. I thought to myself, "This is too good to be true AND I don't want to have to come to the park EVERYDAY, especially with a new baby that will be here 9 weeks from today. I/we had to come up with simple, reasonable rewards for Isabella. Tuesday came and this time we told her I'd paint her toes and fingernails with "pretties" as she calls them. It worked again. Tuesday night she was promised that if she stayed in bed we'd go to story time on Wednesday. Sure enough she stayed in bed. We are on a roll. Then the thought dawned on me. Probably the most important thing she has is her blanket. On Wednesday night, we told her that if she got out of bed, we'd take her blanket and it would be gone. Sure enough, she stayed in bed. I SERIOUSLY can't believe it. I'm still not completely sold that she won't get out, but for now I'm crossing my fingers.

As I type right now, I have the monitor next to me and she is staying in her bed. YAY!!! It is a true blessing. Thank you to those that have kept us in your prayers. I have a huge testimony about prayer and that no matter how big or small a challenge I might be facing, I can get the guidance I need because of prayer. It's a wonderful gift.

So I ask you my readers, what are the bribes/rewards you have found to be effective for your kid(s)?

Positive reinforcement is HUGE for Isabella so periodically throughout our day, I remind her how much of a big girl she is that she stayed in her bed. Her eyes seem to radiate excitement. She will then tell me that, "blanket goes bye bye if she gets up". She gets it. She really gets it!!! Strange that she is not even 2 1/2 but she can understand a reward versus a punishment.

I hoping that she will keep it up!

Good luck with whatever parenting challenges you are facing.

Seriously???

It's 3:42am and I am wide awake. It's not so much due to pregnancy as to the stresses of life. Ever have those moments where you just want to give up and throw in the towel? Well today is one of those days.

I am physically and emotionally drained. I'm worried about Brianna and school. I don't know how to keep Isabella in her bed at night. I'm worried about this baby. I feel like no matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to get ahead. My list seems never ending.

We have almost 10 weeks until this baby comes and I am no where ready. I know life is going to change drastically and I am worried that I won't be up for the challenge. Taking care of a newborn is hard and exhausting. Add in a 2 year old that is currently testing the boundaries big time and an 8 year old who is desperately missing her friends at school since she is in a split class and doesn't see any of her close friends. I feel like it's a recipe for disaster. I'm trying to keep calm but it is hard. Add in pregnancy hormones and BAM!, I'm a mess. Kalen and I felt so strongly that we were suppose to have another member in our family. I can't wait to meet our newest addition. I'm really, really, really hoping for a calm, easy go with the flow baby. Do those even exist? Ha!

I wish that I had something thought provoking or powerful to say, but I don't. I'm tired. I want to sleep, but my mind is racing. Thoughts of what I need to start doing for the new baby, hoping Brianna's principal will respond to my email and will actually "hear" my concerns, stressing about what the best things would be to say "IF" she will meet with me, how I hate that I lose my "cool" with Isabella, is the baby okay?, is she kicking enough. These are just a few things that are running through my head at the moment. I wish I was sleeping. I know this means, I WILL be exhausted later today because I highly doubt I'll get a nap in.

I NEVER thought being a "MOM" would be so hard. It's definitely not what I thought it would be. The love I feel for my children is more than I ever thought possible. I think with that great love, great frustration can come too. I just want my kids to be happy. There is so much though that has to happen in order for them to be happy.

I started this week a no electronic policy in our house, no iPhones, iPads, iPods, TV or computer from the hours of 6-8pm. There hasn't been too much complaining from the kids. I don't think Kalen is a huge fan of this policy but I have been feeling that our family is too "distracted". Because we haven't been sucked in by electronics this week, we've been really really good about family scripture study and just talking with each other. I'm not sharing this as a "look at me and my family", but as something I hope that you might try in your families or just for yourself. It's amazing how much I didn't realize I check Facebook, play words with friends, candy crush saga, look on pinterest, or whatever else I felt I had to do with my phone. I hope that we will be able to keep it up. I did go to Brianna's back to school night last night and came home to the TV on. I was annoyed that the new policy wasn't enforced, but I can't ask for perfection just yet!

So this weekend I guess not only will we be putting together a crib but we will be taking down Isabella's. I am NOT looking forward to having her in a regular bed. I feel like it's going to open a whole new can of worms but it needs to be done. Pray for me and Isabella. Pray that I will have the patience and endurance to deal with this change. Pray for her that she will learn that she needs to stay in her bed when it's bedtime.

I just want us to be happy and right now I feel like it's a lofty goal. I'm trying but it's SO hard.

Here's to a great weekend!

A review of cardstore.com

**This is a sponsored post**

I was contacted by a representative for the website, cardstore.com  a few weeks ago, offering me a chance to try the website out and do a review on my blog about the experience. I was given a free promotional code to make something from the website. Pretty cool, huh? If you know me, you know that I love trying things for free and was excited that I had been contacted.

I took a look at the website cardstore.com to see what I make. They have so many options. You can choose from birthday cards, birthday invitations, thank you cards, thinking of you cards, anniversary cards, get well cards, photo cards, stationary & so much more. The list of what you can choose from is HUGE. It's awesome.

I chose to make an anniversary card for our 11th anniversary coming up in August for Kalen. I chose the third card on the top row here. It was such an easy and quick process making the card. I think the hardest thing was deciding what pictures to use. When I uploaded a photo if it wasn't the best quality it told me that it might not look too good when printed. I really liked that feature. I would have hated to get my card and have the photos be blurry.

Another thing that I liked about using cardstore.com was that I got an email right away telling me my order was received. Then I got one a few days later once my card was made telling me it was shipped and was provided with a tracking number.

I was so pleased when I opened the envelope to see the finished project. It turned out great. Kalen likes to save the cards I've given him over the years so now he has a very personalized one. I will definitely be using cardstore.com again.

It was such an easy way to make a personalized card and saved me a trip to the store! I highly recommend checking the website out the next time you need a card for any occasion.

10 years ago

Just like last night, but 10 years ago I couldn't sleep. I was nervous for the c-section I knew I would be having. I woke up extra early to shower, do my hair and getting ready for what I thought it would be like having a baby. Life was so different then.
I can remember the drive over to Kaiser, literally waddling into Labor & Delivery to be checked in for surgery. I look back at those pictures and think how naive I look. I think having a baby is one of those things in life that no matter how much a book, friends or family tell you how to prepare, you just have to do it. I had NO idea what would be happening in a few hours and how drastically my life would change. I thought I would have a baby, be in the hospital for 2 days since I was having a c-section and then we'd go home and live the life I thought I would have having a baby boy. It didn't quite turn out the way I thought.
The anesthesiologist was WAY behind schedule and since I wasn't considered an "emergency c-section", my surgery got pushed way back. Have you ever been so excited that you feel like you are/were going to puke? I couldn't contain the happiness I felt. Sitting there, knowing that in just a few minutes you will be seeing and hearing your baby. For me holding Dylan would have to wait until I got out of the OR.
Finally it was time. I can remember seeing the walls of the hospital and the anxious feeling that was in the bottom of my stomach. This was it.... I was going to become a mom. I would have a son. Kalen & I would be first time parents. They got me all hooked up and then asked me to sit up and bend as far over as I could so they could do my spinal. For those that know me, you will know that I literally blew up at the end of my pregnancy. My measurements were off the chart. The doctors expected Dylan to be at least 15 lbs. He wasn't that big, but was 10 lbs 6 ozs and 22 inches long. He was a BIG boy. I remember them saying, "Go get the dad" and then I was told I'd be meeting my baby in just a few moments. Kalen walked in. What a sight I must have been! Not probably what felt like 2 minutes later, Dylan was out of me and crying. I remember the comments from the staff on how big he was. Kalen was instantly at Dylan's side, watching as they measured him and did his apgar scores. Everything seemed good. Nothing out of the ordinary except for a HUGE baby. Kalen went with Dylan to wherever they take babies to clean them up and stay with him, while they finished my surgery.
There was no going back. We were parents. I was taken to the recovery room and FINALLY got to hold my baby. I remember the wave of emotions rush over me. Instant love. A love I had never felt before. As I looked down at him, I remember thinking over and over again, "this is my baby, I have a son". He's mine. I felt so grateful he was here. As I lay in my bed and he was passed around to be held by Kalen, and my parents I felt as if I was watching something wonderful unfold. Not only were Kalen & I first time parents, but our parents were now grandparents. Everyone was so proud and happy.
I was miserable from the heat in my room as well as the meds that were trying to work their way out of my system. Kalen still makes fun of how much I was complaining about how hot it was in my room. I was MISERABLE, but Dylan was here so it made it better.




Because of Dylan being so big, he had to have his glucose checked every so often to make sure his numbers were okay. So when the nurse came into to say that he would be getting that checked and would be right back I thought nothing of it. It happened multiple times during the day so I was used to it. Visiting hours were over and Kalen headed home. I had noticed though during Dylan's last feeding session that his breathing was kinda rapid. I told the nurse about it and she said they'd take a look at it the next time his glucose was checked. Next thing I know, in the middle of the night, a doctor came into my room and said that they wanted to keep Dylan in the NICU for observation because there might be something more to the rapid breathing. I was kinda dazed and thought nothing of it really.
The next morning Dylan hadn't been brought back into my room so as soon as Kalen got to the hospital we went to find our son. We were told he was in the NICU and that we had to wash our hands, using a special brush and soap. We scrubbed up and went into the NICU. When I think of a NICU, I think of preemie babies, not those weighing in over 10 pounds. What a sight Dylan was! He was on oxygen and had an IV sticking out of his head.












We weren't given any warning and for a parent, first time or not, that was scary. It hadn't even been 24 hours yet and the instinct to protect Dylan was strong and I wanted answers, except I didn't know what questions to ask. Remember I thought we'd be going home 2 days later. Well looking at Dylan in his hospital bed all hooked up to machines, I knew we wouldn't be going home the next day. The nurses were great. The doctors were great. The neurologist not so much. I still to this day cringe when I hear the man's name. He was Dylan's neurologist for a few years and we finally switched because I couldn't take his nonsense anymore. Sorry to those of you that go to Sutter Peds neurology because he know works there. That's a whole other story.
Well we spent most of Saturday in the NICU holding Dylan, talking with the nurses & doctors, and our family members that came to visit them. We all had to take turns in the NICU because they only allowed 2-3 people at his bed. Sunday morning I was told I would be discharged but Dylan would be staying until they knew what was going on with him. I remember the panic I felt. How can I leave my baby at the hospital and I go home? That wasn't what was suppose to happen. I wasn't prepared for that. No one told me that might happen. Kaiser luckily had a rule that if a baby was in the NICU, the mom could stay for "free" if there was an empty bed available. I was only able to stay until Monday afternoon. The staff kept telling me, I'd feel better sleeping in my own bed and being able to take a shower and that I'd get more rest at home and I could come anytime day or night to see Dylan. We were also given a direct number to the NICU so we could call and see what the latest status was. Having to leave was the WORST feeling at that time I had ever felt. I remember walking into the house without Dylan. Seeing the bouncy seat, his room and finally the bassinet that was right night to my bed. It would stay empty for the next week. It SUCKED!!!
From Tuesday to Friday of the next week, we basically lived in the hospital. It was awful. I remember seeing other babies in the NICU that had been there for months. I kept thinking to myself how the heck does a baby stay in the hospital for months. Babies were suppose to go home after they are born. See I was naive, as I think most people are. But for the majority of people, having a baby means going home shortly after the baby is born. Not having to see their baby hooked up to oxygen and other machines. I felt so helpless and my life was out of my control. (Just think, almost 7 years later, I would be feeling, helpless and my life was out of control). Hmm...life is interesting isn't it? The plan Kalen and I had for our family, was quickly changing. To what we didn't know, but we would make it work somehow. We did!
After a week in the NICU we got to go home and be a family.




I couldn't have been Dylan's mom, without the help, love and support from Kalen. Kalen is such a great dad. Seeing him with Dylan especially during those first few days, just made me know that I was so glad we had got married. We had only been married a little over 11 months when Dylan was born.
As I sit typing, it's hard to see the screen. My tears seem to be non-stop. I'm an emotional mess today. My thoughts are jumbled in my head and all over the place. Hopefully something in this post makes sense.
My wish for today is that you can smile despite the pain, sadness or whatever else cruddy feeling that can come with life. It can be so hard. Find something good about today and cherish it. I'm cherishing Dylan's birth today. He has forever changed my life. I miss his laugh, smile and personality. I miss the way he would snuggle into me when I held him, even at almost 7 years old. I miss the feel of his hair. I miss his fingers and toes. I miss his calloused hands. I miss seeing him get so excited when Kalen got home from work. While I miss those few things I listed (I could go on and on), I am grateful for the memories I do have. I'm grateful I knew Dylan. I'm grateful I'm his mom and he is a member of our family.
As Dory from Finding Nemo would say, "Just keep swimming". I'm treading against the current today, so be patient with me, if you see me today.
We are releasing balloons at the cemetery later today with our love notes to Dylan. I hope he sees them.

Unexpected

A couple of weeks ago, I received an email from a dear friend about a blog she found that she thought I could relate to and the story reminded her of me. I clicked on the link was instantly fixed on what I was reading. My eyes began to tear up and the anguish I have personally felt came rushing to "the surface". Whenever I hear of a family who has had a child die, it breaks my heart. I know all to well what some of the emotions they might be felling....helplessness, emotional and mental fatigue, guilt, anger, denial, the exhaustion that comes from trying to find peace. Well I felt so similar to the story I was reading. I just wanted to share with you all this mom's story. She was interviewed here. (click the word "here") You can find her personal blog here.(click the word "here") I found that the very last part of the interview was powerful and touched me. I too believe that God performs miracles and they probably won't always be how we want them, but nonetheless he does. There is no way I could have survived the past 3 years without the knowledge I have a loving Heavenly Father.

 It an emotional time for me as we approach what would have been Dylan's 10th birthday next week. I can't believe he'd be 10 years old. I can only imagine how big he would be. I bet he still would have his great laugh and smile. I'm grateful for the knowledge that I have a Heavenly Father that loves me, despite my flaws and still wants the best for me. That He is willing to help me with my grief. I am grateful that I have a Savior that died for me, so I can overcome death and be reunited with Dylan again someday. I am grateful for my family near and far. I am beyond grateful to those friends who I can call, text or chat with when I'm having a bad day and missing Dylan and letting me cry, vent, or complain about how life is unfair without making me feeling judged. I am grateful for those that still let me talk about Dylan, the good times or the bad. Oh how I miss my sweet boy.

I can't believe that almost 10 years ago I was about to meet him, all 10 lbs 6ozs of him. I remember holding him for the first time. Savoring everything about that moment. How he smelled, looked and the sounds he made. I had become a mom. I had no idea the road that was ahead of me. There were many plains, hills and mountains I would have to climb. It's kinda ironic that I'm still having to climbed the hills and mountains even since he has died and they still involve him. Fast forward 10 years and I'm pregnant with our last kid. It's weird to think that our family is "complete" while still being incomplete. I wonder what she will be like. How she will look. What her personality will be. Because of Dylan and the challenges we faced raising him, I have learned to take NOTHING for granted. Life can change in an instance. We've all heard that before. I have been living this for the past 3 years and almost 2 months. Dylan was physically here one day and gone the next without warning. Yes there are times, that I might take things for granted, but it's almost like I'm reminded in some way or another that I need to appreciate those things a little more. I mean, I'M ONLY HUMAN! For example, Isabella getting into my bathroom, climbing on the toilet then to the counter to then put lotion on all over her arms and legs. While it drives me bonkers, I am grateful that she has those gross motor skills to climb and the mind to do so. I'm grateful for the helper that Brianna is. She will play with her sister just because I ask, although she might want to do something else. Brianna has compassion for others that I haven't seen in any other kid.

 I know in November that's when people really ponder what they are thankful/grateful for, but I ask you today in July, "What are you grateful/thankful for?" Leave a comment here or on Facebook. I know I've been missing from blogging, but I have been EXHAUSTED from growing this baby:) I promise to be better.

Summer

I can't believe that July is halfway over. It's crazy that Brianna just got out of school a little over a month ago. Brianna finished 2nd grade with a great report card. I'm so grateful that she works hard and doesn't give up with her school work. She LOVES to read.

It started getting hot and the plum tree in the backyard started ripening. We had so many plums. Brianna's first chore of the summer was to pick up a trash bag full. I am grateful to those that came and helped pick up rotten plums, pick the tree and take plums to their homes. I wasn't sure what I was going to do with so many plums.

I had bought a Groupon awhile back that was for one of the local skating rinks. Brianna has enjoyed getting better at rollerskating. She can actually skate. It's been fun watching her.

For my birthday, I went to Six Flags with my sister in law and her kids. We all had a blast despite the heat. Isabella wasn't too sure of the characters. She wanted nothing to do with them up close. Far away she thought they were great. We can't wait to go back. They have some pretty amazing shows.

Here's a few pictures from our day. Isabella LOVED drinking from the "BIG" cup. Good thing I had them refill it with water sometimes during the day. Hanging out with her cousin while the big kids rode a "roller coaster".


A friend of ours invite the girls and I to join them at Art Beast. It's a pretty neat place for the kids. I LOVE that they can paint and I don't have to worry about it getting on my floor or walls. Isabella LOVED painting at the easel. It was hard to get her to stop. Luckily there were tons of others things for her to do.

Brianna enjoyed painting as well. I love the idea of painting on a dry erase board. Such easy clean up. Why haven't I thought of that??

We had a great 4th of July. It was super low key and mellow, but we had a blast. We swam, had a BBQ and did fireworks. We had some friends over and it was the perfect day. Isabella enjoyed the "quiet" fireworks but if they made any loud sounds she was terrified. Brianna loved all the fireworks.



We've been swimming on the really hot days and because of that the girls' hair is turning blonder. Here's a pic of some crazy hair after her nap. Look how blonde it is!

We've been attending story time at one of the local libraries. It's been nice having Brianna there with us because Isabella will actually sit on the carpet square. Brianna is a great big sister.
Incase you missed the last post, we are expecting our final baby this November. We just found out this past Monday that we will be having a girl.

We are all really excited. Poor Kalen is really out numbered now. It's a good thing he is so mellow and great with his "girls". I'm glad he can tolerate the color pink too! We can't wait to meet her. Now we have to decide on a name. That's always hard for me to do.

Whirlwind

What a crazy couple of weeks it's been! Our family survived another Angel Day for Dylan. I can't believe it's been 3 years. On his Angel Day, our family was shown an outpouring of love. From texts to Facebook messages to flowers to being "heart attacked" it made the day a little easier to deal with. Here's a few photos from May 29, 2013:

May 29th was a bittersweet day this year. We remembered and honored Dylan as well as celebrating new life. Kalen and I went to my genetic ultrasound appointment to see if everything is okay with the baby we will be having. In case you missed it on Facebook or are not on Facebook, we announced on June 1st that "Our family is growing by two feet. Coming November 2013".

It's weird to think that this is our final kid. Our family has felt incomplete. I can't wait to meet this next baby. To see what he or she will be like, look like and add to our family. I imagine Dylan telling him or her all about our crazy family. We find out on July 11, 2013 if its a boy or girl. I'm leaning towards a girl but we shall she. Brianna is hoping for a brother, because in her words, "Sisters are annoying". We've tried explaining to her that a lot of the "headaches" that she has with Isabella is because of the age difference. We keep promising it will get better as Isabella gets older. I don't think she believes us quite yet.

My brother and I are 17 months apart. While there were times we fought and wanted to kill each other, he was my buddy. We'd take turns playing with each others toys....yes I'd play GI Joes and watch He-Man. I won't sell him out by saying which girl toys he played with :) During high school and before Brian left on his mission for our church, I remember many late night conversations about school, friends, dating problems or just life. I hope that one day Brianna won't find Isabella as an annoying little sister but as a cherished friend as I do my brother. I hope that their relationship will blossom and they will be life long friends.

So about this pregnancy, I have been horribly nauseated and have had the worst headaches. My pregnancies are still "mild" compared to others. I am extremely tired still. Since I'm 16 weeks, I'm hoping that I'll start feeling well soon.

Kalen and I have been discussing boy and girl names. We want to stick with our "unplanned" name sequence...... A boy's name that ends in a "n" and a girl's name that ends with an "a". I find it wierd that Dylan's name followed after Kalen's and Brianna's after mine. So not only do we need that pattern but I also look at the meaning of the names. Here's what our kids names mean:

Faithful & True, Remembered by The Lord, Strong, Star of the Sea, God's Promise and beloved.

So if you have a good name suggestion, I'd love to hear it:)

We are starting our first official week of Summer vacation. Here's to a summer full of happy memories. I asked Brianna what would be on her "Summer Fun List of Things to Do" and her answers are simple and doable. I just LOVE her. This is a big year for her. She will be turning 8 in August and will be getting baptized. (Her choice) We are proud of her choice to follow after our Savior, Jesus Christ's example. She will be starting 3rd grade in the fall. It's crazy she's getting that old. It seems like she was just in preschool or kindergarten. I tell her all the time, she's still my baby and it doesn't bug her too much yet:) I wonder how long I can keep telling her that without hearing her tell me she's not "a" baby!

Isabella will talk your ear off IF she's in the mood. She's a character. She has a great personality and we are blessed to have her in our family. She is determined to potty train herself. It's in the early stages, BUT I'm crossing my fingers it will be a quick transition for her. She has been asking me for Princess pants.....translation Pull Ups. She's a funny kid!

I'll be celebrating my 34th birthday in a few weeks. When did that happen??? Half the time I feel like I'm still in my 20's, despite my body telling me differently. Getting older has its perks but also more aches and pains and I'm not even old!!!

Well I better get a start on my day and beat the kids up so we can do something fun today, even if its just having a dance party in the Family Room.

Have a great day everyone!

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3 Years

Today has been a really hard and emotional day. I woke up and immediately starting crying. How did my eyes just start doing that?

Anyhow it's been a rough day. I know the saying, "Times heals all wounds". I TOTALLY disagree with this. Sometimes time makes it harder.

I am grateful for my friends that sent me Facebook messages first thing in the morning. They beat me to doing my status update about it being Dylan's Angel Day. I was extremely touched! I had posted one of my favorite pictures of Dylan with my status. It's this photo:



I LOVE his toothless grin. It makes me smile.

I'm grateful for friends & family who came to the cemetery, have brought flowers, heart attacked our porch, have sent texts, have brought dinner in, brought cookies, and have remembered Dylan. These friends are who have carried me through. It sucks beyond words that Dylan isn't here physically with us.

Year 3 seems so permanent, so the fact that people remembered warms my aching heart SO much.

I'd still love to see your bubble pictures, if you have them. On the app, Instagram, I used the hashtag #dylansangelday with the photos I uploaded today. Feel free to attach that hashtag to any bubble pics:) For those wondering why we do bubbles on his Angel Day, it's because he LOVED bubbles and it something we do to remember him.

Here's one of my FAVORITE pictures from last year:




There is A LOT less anger this year as compared to last year's Angel Day. Don't get me wrong I'm still angry some days. Some days I just scream, "Why Dylan", "Why us", "Why 2010"? Not knowing the answers to those questions drives me nuts if I think about them too long. I know one day I will know the answers to my questions.

Kalen took today off and it was nice having him home. Being able to talk about our sweet boy and still how strange it is he isn't here has been comforting.

Our family has definitely had its challenges. Dylan's death is at the top of the list. I'm grateful that we've stuck together instead of falling apart. Grief can do that. I've seen it happen to a few families I've met since Dylan died, whose child/children have passed away. It can make people bitter. I'm sure there are a few who have caught me on a bad day that would clump me in that category. Sometimes it's hard not to be bitter. Being happy is something I have had to re-learn. It doesn't feel normal. How strange is that,eh???

I am grateful for Isabella and Brianna. They have helped me beyond any words I could type. While there are times they drive me nuts (what mom hasn't with her kids), I am SO grateful for them. Brianna is my link to our "past" family and Isabella has been my link to our "present" family. I don't want you thinking that I don't consider Dylan a part of our family now, I do. But with his death it seemed to separate our family, my life, and time on earth for us. You will catch us saying, "Before Dylan died" or "Since or after Dylan died". I'm not sure why its that way but that's how it is in our family now.

I long for the day when our family will be complete and I will see Dylan again......happy and healthy. To hear his laugh and to see his smile. To touch his hair. To take in everything I can and not have to worry about him going anywhere. My faith gives me hope and a knowledge that death isn't the end. While its hard to be left here on Earth while Dylan is gone, I know that it's part of a wondrous plan that my Heavenly Father has. It doesn't make it easy by any means. It just gives me hope. I am grateful for that hope.

Thank you again to all those that have kept my family in your prayers, have taken a few moments to show how you and/or your family have remembered Dylan and to continue to be a friend wherever you may be. I appreciate it SO much!



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It's coming.........

I know I haven't blogged in months. Sorry! Between sicknesses, motherhood, grief and everyday life I haven't made the time to write. My thoughts have been spinning in circles in my head. There have been many times that I find myself thinking, "I should blog today" or "that would make a good blog topic" or "I need to "update" my crazy life for our friends, family and blog readers.

Do you ever find yourself just wanting to "veg" out?? Kalen has been working LONG hours. I mean LONG hours. Just this past week he is back to a somewhat normal work schedule. It will be nice having him home earlier. I don't know how single or military moms do it. I was about to go crazy after week 2 of 7 weeks. I applaud the strength and the determination those women have.

Since Dylan died, many of you know Memorial Day is a painful reminder of what is to come for our family. I've been getting a TON of emails advertising sales. Usually I'd be all over a good sale but Memorial Day weekend is hard. Dylan was rushed to the hospital the Friday morning of Memorial Day weekend. Our lives have been forever changed.

We will be blowing bubbles on his Angel Day, May 29th. Just like in years past I ask you to email, text or Facebook your bubble photos to me. You can even Instagram them. I'm trying to think of a hash tag to go with them. Any ideas??

I went running for the first time in months yesterday. It was tough pushing Isabella. She has grown so much! I'm so sore today.

We celebrated Isabella's 2nd birthday in April. I can't believe she has been a part of our family for that long. It still feels surreal sometimes. Despite the many times she drives me bonkers, I am so grateful for her. She has taught me to laugh again. She has taught me how to stand my ground and not be a pushover. She has the best personality. She loves to count. She talks in sentences and tells you what she wants. It's kinda weird in a way. She still seems so little. Her favorite things to do are sing, color, read and count. She's mastered counting a little past 10. It's so sweet to hear her little voice. My heart truly expanded when she was born. I love her!

Brianna is finishing up 2nd grade in a few weeks. Where did the time go? Wasn't she just 5? I can't believe she will be 8 in August. She LOVES to read and draw me pictures. Usually her drawings are rainbows or hearts, with a message telling me, "You're the best Mom" or "I'm glad you're my Mom". Oh how I love her!! She also likes to take those pictures away if she gets mad at me. Hmmm...maybe a glimpse into her teenage years??? Brianna got braces on back in February to help close a really big gap in her two front teeth preventing the teeth next to them to be able to come down. She's had them on for 2 1/2 months and the gap is closed. It's amazing. I wonder when they will be coming off. She looks so much older with braces. It's scary! Brianna is a huge help with Isabella. They play well together for the most part. They do bicker which can be SUPER annoying, but I love watching them interact.

Kalen and I have been blessed with great kids! I wish our family was intact right now. I wish Dylan was here. I wish Isabella knew him not just by pictures. I wish I didn't have to carry the burden of grief and heartache. I wish the month of May wasn't so painful. I wish Dylan was here (yes thats here twice). I would give anything to hold him, to hug him, to hear his laugh. To see his smile......
Memories are all I have left, except for a few tangible items. I am grateful for those. The girls love watching a video I took of Dylan and Brianna a few days before he died. It's hard to see him so happy. To hear me be happy. Not knowing what would be coming unexpectedly to our family.

One thing I've learned since Dylan died is to appreciate your kids. When Dylan was alive I was taught by him how to appreciate the little things in life. To look for them. Those little things make up a whole lot. Since he died, I've learned not to take a day for granted, even the "bad" days. I'm not grateful for the "bad" days but I am grateful for the lessons that can and have been learned.

Please keep our family in your prayers. Especially this next week. The 28th and 29th are extremely painful.

I long for the day I will see Dylan and our family will be reunited. What a glorious day that will be!


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It's been awhile

I can't believe I haven't blogged in over a month. CRAZY!!! Life around here has been SUPER busy. Add sick kids on top of that and it's a recipe for disaster. Okay maybe not a disaster, but not being able to get to my LONG list of things to do.
Brianna was sick right before her Spring Break, then during her Spring Break. I was really hoping that Isabella wasn't going to catch it. NO luck, Isabella spent 4 1/2 days throwing up. It was no bueno!
The month of March is kind of a blur. Things happened, but what I can't think at the moment. How sad is that? I do know that I had lunch with some of my oldest friends in the beginning of the month, we had friends over for dinner, we celebrated my nephew's 4th birthday, and there was Easter. March seemed to fly by for us.
I am looking forward to the month of April. Isabella turns 2 during is upcoming week. I can't believe it's been 2 years. It's crazy. While hanging out as a family last night, the thought came to me that "THIS" is our family. It's a weird feeling though. It doesn't feel complete. We are missing Dylan. Our family seems so different without him here. It feels like a lifetime ago. Kinda like when you think back to high school. (that's the closest thing I can compare it to). Although Dylan isn't physically here, he is as much a part of our family. We talk about him often. Share memories about him. Lessons we've learned when he was here and since he died. I am grateful that when I think of Dylan, I see him smiling. Not how I last saw him. For a long time, when I thought of Dylan, I'd see him laying on responsive while Kalen was giving him CPR or hooked up to a ventilator in the hospital. I'm so glad that my "happy" memories are coming back, because honestly, I thought they never would.
I guess that's the weird thing about grief. It is all consuming. It affects everything. Some people have amazed me with the things they have done in remembering their child who died. I wish I could say I was one of them. For me, just managing my family has been a difficult task. I still want to have a "RUN", probably a 5k, one of these days. Maybe on the 5 year anniversary of Dylan's Angel Day. There is a twinge I feel when I think of that. I can't believe that it will be 3 years next month. It still feels very surreal. There are still moments where I think I am going to wake up from this nightmare. It's bizarre. I wish I could compare it to something all would understand but I can't.
So if you've been following this blog for awhile, you might remember my post back in January, about wanting to be "better". That's my theme for the year. It's so difficult sometimes. I want to be a "better" me.....not comparing myself to others as what "better", might be but for me just to feel "better", about myself. I set a goal to be a "better" mom. So what does that mean? Well for me it means:
1) To speak kindly, even when upset.
2) To be "actively" present with my kids (this one is the toughest for me...remember grief is consuming)
3) To do fun things with my kids - I'm proud of myself because I've taken Isabella pretty consistently to Story Time at the library. This is HUGE for me. Some might laugh and think what's the big deal, but it is for me. I'm still trying to find something Brianna would like to do, but it's hard since she's in school.
4) Actually make a "complete" meal for my family like I use to before Dylan died. I'm not anywhere where I'd like to be in this goal, but cereal for dinner isn't a "normal" occurrence here anymore. The crock pot is my NEW best friend. I know some don't like them, but I LOVE it. Makes my life so much easier. I just have to make sure I have what I need before the day of.
5) Teaching my children how to "work". I usually feel overwhelmed with all the "chores" that need to be done around the house. I was telling a friend about my frustration and she shared with me something that she started doing with her kids. I think it's GENIUS -- I headed to Office Depot and bought this simple white erase board. I will pick 1 or 2 things each day for Brianna to help with with. Isabella LOVES to dust and use the handheld vacuum. She just basically shadows whatever Brianna is doing. I don't "assign" her a chore. Brianna least favorite chore is to clean the bathrooms. She loves to vacuum and wipe down the baseboards. I get loving to vacuum but not the baseboard. I guess that's the great thing about being part of a family. We all help out.

Well the family is calling me so I better go. Just wanted to let you know that I am still here and should be blogging regularly again. YAY!

What have you found successful in helping spread the "housework" around at your house?
Tell me here or on Facebook:

Have a great weekend!

Anger

I'm angry today! I miss Dylan. I've been feeling sluggish this past week. No motivation. I knew what was coming. Today I'm angrier than usual. Not sure why, I just am. I hate death. I hate grief. Ugh. It's just one if those days.
I'm choosing to take my anger out on the elliptical right now. (Yes I'm blogging and working out at the same time) It's better than taking it out on the rest of my family and the rest if the world.
I feel like I could breakdown into tears at any second. I'll save it for the drive home though. I don't want the two guys next to me think I'm a complete CRAZY woman.

Another month passes today since Dylan died. 33 months! Ugh.

Hug your loved ones today and keep me in your prayers. I need i!
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Inspiring....ME???

I've been blogging for a few years, but lately have wanted to branch out and reach other blogs and become part of the blogging world. My daily blog list is long and I might not always get to leave a comment on those pages but I do read them. I read crafty blogs, "Mom" blogs, DIY blogs, grief blogs, funny blogs, you get the idea.

One of my favorite blogs I read is Mom's World. She is an honest mother who shares her fears and triumphs as a Mom. She has a GREAT sense of humor too. If you like following blogs, this is definitely one to check out.

I was SHOCKED today when I was given an award on her blog today. I am honored to receive it. It's my first award. I don't consider myself too inspiring and am really touched to received such an award.  
I am REALLY, REALLY excited to receive this award. Thank You Darla!!!!

Now here are 7 Random Facts about me:

1. I love to play video games. If the game requires me to "collect" something, i.e. coins, stars, etc., I seriously have to collect them all.
2. I'm not a huge chocolate fan, but if it is Reese's Peanut butter cups or a 3 Musketeers, I doomed.
3. I got 2 tickets in one day - 1 red light ticket & a speeding ticket. I laughed when I got the speeding ticket. It was a HORRIBLE Friday the 13th.
4. I'm a "master" coupon queen (as my family members call me)
5. I like watching "Good Luck Charlie" & "Jessie" on the Disney Channel with Brianna.
6. I went to the last Playoff game that featured Malone & Stockton (Utah Jazz) against the i Sacramento KINGS.
7. If something has strawberries in it, I'm guaranteed to eat it. Strawberries are my favorite fruit.

Here are a few blogs that inspire me - they make me laugh, cry, think and inspire me. I hope you will check them out.

A Daily Scoop

five foot seven

Hope Smiling Brightly

Jessie Jo At Home

Loving Henry

Mishmash Mama
RyleeBlake
Serious Injury Inflicted

Tales of a Monkey, a Bit, and a Bean

Team Ewan

Thankful Me

The Complete Guide to Imperfect Homemaking

The Reiersen Four

The Sullengers

I'm suppose to say if you "accept" this award that you will need to do a post listing 7 random facts about yourself and then pick the blogs you follow that inspire you. Since I'm just "branching out" in the blogging world I still need to find more blogs that I could give this award to. Most of the blogs I follow have stopped posting frequently. There are many that I have enjoyed reading in the past. I'm not sure if all of these blogs even know I exist but they make a difference in my life.

Thanks again for giving me this award Darla!

Random thought

I saw this quote today and LOVE it!



It made me think about how it goes along with my "word" for the year. I know I am trying to be better at being myself. It's hard. I know I find myself comparing myself to other moms and friends I know. Maybe even some I don't know. I know that I shouldn't do it, but it's so hard. I find myself comparing weight, clothes, hair, overall appearance, parenting skills, and many many more things. I know I shouldn't be I do.

So I'm curious what do you find yourself comparing? Or are you lucky enough that you don't. If you don't find yourself comparing yourself to others, how did you master that? I'd seriously like to stop. I know comparing myself to others, stems from my insecurities.

What are your thoughts?

Better??.....we are getting there (Maybe)

I seriously was going CRAZY yesterday with my beloved almost 2 year old. I love that Isabella is strong willed & independent. It will help her in life SO much. I don't love it so much when she is battling me on something.

I know so many of you are probably curious how it turned out yesterday. Well after I put all of her toys in the hallway so she couldn't be distracted, I decided I'd sit in her rocking chair until she fell asleep on her mattress laying on the floor. It worked surprisingly. She took a nap and I was able to "regroup". Kalen used a very stern voice with her and had to go into her room a few times to tell her to lay down and go to sleep. It took less than 5 minutes. YAY!!!

I've made a few arrangements to help with getting Brianna home from school and Isabella being able to take a nap. It won't be daily but it's a start. I'm SO grateful to those individuals who have offered to help in one way or another.

So fast forward to today. Happy Valentine's Day by the way. I woke Isabella up so she wouldn't have the chance to even think about climbing out of her crib. The day started off great! We took Brianna to school. Since Isabella is SO independent, she likes to walk. The rule is that she has to hold Brianna or my hand. If she chooses not to then I have to carry her. She did pretty well but it seems to be at the same spot EVERYDAY that she decides to bolt. So into my arms she goes. She's a pretty heavy kid.

While I chatted with a friend about how much I am struggling right now, Isabella played on the school playground equipment. She listened fairly well, but of course told me a lot of "No's" when I told her it was time to go to the gym. My friend Kasie said something really good. (I had this thought yesterday, as I was begging to my Heavenly Father in prayer on how to be a better parent for Isabella). She said, "Since you can't change her, change yourself...meaning the way I will or will not react. What a novel concept, right? She also gave me another couple of suggestions. They have worked so far with Isabella today. There was little food throwing at lunch. The rule has ALWAYS and will ALWAYS be that if you throw food, then you are done and you don't get anything else to eat. 

I used fruit snacks as a reward throughout the day today, given her "warning" of what is going to be happening; like "we are leaving in 5 minutes". I've always believe children need to know what the expectations and consequences will be. Isabella just doesn't seemed to be phased by them until today.

Maybe it's because I stayed calmed, even though I wanted to SCREAM. But I have hope.

It was time for nap and my plan was to put her in her crib after our "normal" bedtime routine of reading books, singing & rocking. While she was in her bed, I sat in her rocking chair. As hard as it was to stay calm, I had to repeatedly tell her, "It was time to go to sleep". It took 40 minutes. I wanted to dose off, but she did it. She went to sleep and didn't try to climb out of her crib. While she might be ready to not be in a crib, I'm not ready for her to have the ability to get out of bed and walk around. So for now we will try this. I'm hoping it will get less and less and she will get better at following the rules and expectations. I know she's not even 2 yet, but she knows what I'm telling her.

I love Isabella so much. She drives me crazy, but I'm glad she is here and part of our family. She definitely has taught me how to laugh again, since Dylan's death. I think we are both strong-headed and that's why we clash. I'm trying to take a step back before I react to something and I'm hoping this will help.

I want thank everyone that sent texts, Facebook messages, commented on my Facebook status, commented on my blog and sent emails telling me I wasn't alone and what had helped with their kids. The response was OVERWHELMING. There were people who responded who I seriously thought they had it all together, but to learn otherwise. I'm grateful for those that shared their struggles and disappointments.

So you may still see me running after Isabella, but just know if I see you running after one or more of your kids. I understand and there will be no judgement from me. If I can I might even help you in running after your kid(s).

Enjoy today and show those in your life you love them and are glad they are here to be able to show them.

What's something that you struggle with as a parent - guilt, CRAZY kids, not knowing what to do, feeling out of control?? Leave a comment here or on Facebook.

-Francesca

Struggling

I don't even know where to begin. I BEYOND overwhelmed & frustrated. Being a mom is so UNBELIEVABLY hard. This day did NOT start off right. Now matter how hard I tried. Isabella now knows how to climb out of her crib. I have been dreading nap time. I will get to that in a bit.

I had asked a friend to go to story time at the library. It's A LOT of work to take Isabella anywhere. She is psychically and emotionally draining. As soon as we walk out of the garage she bolts. Yes, I am one of those moms you seeing running after their child. No matter what I do, she doesn't stop. I've tried positive reinforcement, yelling, time out, the works. NOTHING is helping. I am at my wits end.

Well we went to the library. She did okay, but still went the opposite way of the exit when it was time to go. Again I was chasing after her. We got home and I gave her lunch. Of course everything was thrown on the floor. I am SO sick & tired of having to clean food up off of the floor. I seriously have never met a kid that can be so testy.

I called Kalen in tears asking if he could pick Brianna up from school, because Isabella was acting tired and after what happened with her nap yesterday, I didn't want a repeat. Well I put her in her bed since she was rubbing her eyes and yawning. That was over an hour and a half ago. I am so MAD. Tears are streaming down my face. WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO BE SO DIFFICULT????? Less than a minute of being in her crib she was already attempting to get out. So I went in and moved the mattress to the floor. I've had to make multiple trips in to remove toys so she will stop playing. She is still awake. It makes me mad, because I could have gone and gotten Brianna from school, but I'm sure she would have been falling asleep as soon as we started driving down the road.

I don't know what else to do. I feel like a failure as a mom. Isabella has been a constant struggle since she was born. Maybe it's the timing of when she came to our family. Maybe it's her personality. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's a mixture.

I'm so tired of everyone telling me she'll grow out of it. I highly doubt that will happen. It feels like it's getting progressively worse. Why couldn't I have "easy" child??? I have tried so many times to remain calm. I don't know what else to do.

As I look at the monitor I can see her playing now in the drapes. I GIVE UP!!! Don't let anyone fool you into thinking being a parent is EASY. It's not!

I know this is WAY more of a downer post than usual, but it's a REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, bad day.

Anyone deal with a situation like this? If so, did anything work? I'm desperate..............