I can remember the drive over to Kaiser, literally waddling into Labor & Delivery to be checked in for surgery. I look back at those pictures and think how naive I look. I think having a baby is one of those things in life that no matter how much a book, friends or family tell you how to prepare, you just have to do it. I had NO idea what would be happening in a few hours and how drastically my life would change. I thought I would have a baby, be in the hospital for 2 days since I was having a c-section and then we'd go home and live the life I thought I would have having a baby boy. It didn't quite turn out the way I thought.
The anesthesiologist was WAY behind schedule and since I wasn't considered an "emergency c-section", my surgery got pushed way back. Have you ever been so excited that you feel like you are/were going to puke? I couldn't contain the happiness I felt. Sitting there, knowing that in just a few minutes you will be seeing and hearing your baby. For me holding Dylan would have to wait until I got out of the OR.
Finally it was time. I can remember seeing the walls of the hospital and the anxious feeling that was in the bottom of my stomach. This was it.... I was going to become a mom. I would have a son. Kalen & I would be first time parents. They got me all hooked up and then asked me to sit up and bend as far over as I could so they could do my spinal. For those that know me, you will know that I literally blew up at the end of my pregnancy. My measurements were off the chart. The doctors expected Dylan to be at least 15 lbs. He wasn't that big, but was 10 lbs 6 ozs and 22 inches long. He was a BIG boy. I remember them saying, "Go get the dad" and then I was told I'd be meeting my baby in just a few moments. Kalen walked in. What a sight I must have been! Not probably what felt like 2 minutes later, Dylan was out of me and crying. I remember the comments from the staff on how big he was. Kalen was instantly at Dylan's side, watching as they measured him and did his apgar scores. Everything seemed good. Nothing out of the ordinary except for a HUGE baby. Kalen went with Dylan to wherever they take babies to clean them up and stay with him, while they finished my surgery.
There was no going back. We were parents. I was taken to the recovery room and FINALLY got to hold my baby. I remember the wave of emotions rush over me. Instant love. A love I had never felt before. As I looked down at him, I remember thinking over and over again, "this is my baby, I have a son". He's mine. I felt so grateful he was here. As I lay in my bed and he was passed around to be held by Kalen, and my parents I felt as if I was watching something wonderful unfold. Not only were Kalen & I first time parents, but our parents were now grandparents. Everyone was so proud and happy.
I was miserable from the heat in my room as well as the meds that were trying to work their way out of my system. Kalen still makes fun of how much I was complaining about how hot it was in my room. I was MISERABLE, but Dylan was here so it made it better.
Because of Dylan being so big, he had to have his glucose checked every so often to make sure his numbers were okay. So when the nurse came into to say that he would be getting that checked and would be right back I thought nothing of it. It happened multiple times during the day so I was used to it. Visiting hours were over and Kalen headed home. I had noticed though during Dylan's last feeding session that his breathing was kinda rapid. I told the nurse about it and she said they'd take a look at it the next time his glucose was checked. Next thing I know, in the middle of the night, a doctor came into my room and said that they wanted to keep Dylan in the NICU for observation because there might be something more to the rapid breathing. I was kinda dazed and thought nothing of it really.
The next morning Dylan hadn't been brought back into my room so as soon as Kalen got to the hospital we went to find our son. We were told he was in the NICU and that we had to wash our hands, using a special brush and soap. We scrubbed up and went into the NICU. When I think of a NICU, I think of preemie babies, not those weighing in over 10 pounds. What a sight Dylan was! He was on oxygen and had an IV sticking out of his head.
We weren't given any warning and for a parent, first time or not, that was scary. It hadn't even been 24 hours yet and the instinct to protect Dylan was strong and I wanted answers, except I didn't know what questions to ask. Remember I thought we'd be going home 2 days later. Well looking at Dylan in his hospital bed all hooked up to machines, I knew we wouldn't be going home the next day. The nurses were great. The doctors were great. The neurologist not so much. I still to this day cringe when I hear the man's name. He was Dylan's neurologist for a few years and we finally switched because I couldn't take his nonsense anymore. Sorry to those of you that go to Sutter Peds neurology because he know works there. That's a whole other story.
Well we spent most of Saturday in the NICU holding Dylan, talking with the nurses & doctors, and our family members that came to visit them. We all had to take turns in the NICU because they only allowed 2-3 people at his bed. Sunday morning I was told I would be discharged but Dylan would be staying until they knew what was going on with him. I remember the panic I felt. How can I leave my baby at the hospital and I go home? That wasn't what was suppose to happen. I wasn't prepared for that. No one told me that might happen. Kaiser luckily had a rule that if a baby was in the NICU, the mom could stay for "free" if there was an empty bed available. I was only able to stay until Monday afternoon. The staff kept telling me, I'd feel better sleeping in my own bed and being able to take a shower and that I'd get more rest at home and I could come anytime day or night to see Dylan. We were also given a direct number to the NICU so we could call and see what the latest status was. Having to leave was the WORST feeling at that time I had ever felt. I remember walking into the house without Dylan. Seeing the bouncy seat, his room and finally the bassinet that was right night to my bed. It would stay empty for the next week. It SUCKED!!!
From Tuesday to Friday of the next week, we basically lived in the hospital. It was awful. I remember seeing other babies in the NICU that had been there for months. I kept thinking to myself how the heck does a baby stay in the hospital for months. Babies were suppose to go home after they are born. See I was naive, as I think most people are. But for the majority of people, having a baby means going home shortly after the baby is born. Not having to see their baby hooked up to oxygen and other machines. I felt so helpless and my life was out of my control. (Just think, almost 7 years later, I would be feeling, helpless and my life was out of control). Hmm...life is interesting isn't it? The plan Kalen and I had for our family, was quickly changing. To what we didn't know, but we would make it work somehow. We did!
After a week in the NICU we got to go home and be a family.
I couldn't have been Dylan's mom, without the help, love and support from Kalen. Kalen is such a great dad. Seeing him with Dylan especially during those first few days, just made me know that I was so glad we had got married. We had only been married a little over 11 months when Dylan was born.
As I sit typing, it's hard to see the screen. My tears seem to be non-stop. I'm an emotional mess today. My thoughts are jumbled in my head and all over the place. Hopefully something in this post makes sense.
My wish for today is that you can smile despite the pain, sadness or whatever else cruddy feeling that can come with life. It can be so hard. Find something good about today and cherish it. I'm cherishing Dylan's birth today. He has forever changed my life. I miss his laugh, smile and personality. I miss the way he would snuggle into me when I held him, even at almost 7 years old. I miss the feel of his hair. I miss his fingers and toes. I miss his calloused hands. I miss seeing him get so excited when Kalen got home from work. While I miss those few things I listed (I could go on and on), I am grateful for the memories I do have. I'm grateful I knew Dylan. I'm grateful I'm his mom and he is a member of our family.
As Dory from Finding Nemo would say, "Just keep swimming". I'm treading against the current today, so be patient with me, if you see me today.
We are releasing balloons at the cemetery later today with our love notes to Dylan. I hope he sees them.
I love the pictures! You kids look like such a sweet, happy new family!
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