The Journey

My good friend Kasie, shared this with me. It describes what I feel my life is like since Dylan died. I think you other Angel Moms will feel the same.

THE JOURNEY - AUTHOR UNKNOWN

Before we go through a loss like this, we assume that grief is like falling into a deep hole. We think we will start climbing a ladder and as we get closer to the top things start getting brighter and brighter and we keep feeling better and better until we finally step out into the sunshine where the birds are singing and beautiful music is playing and our grief is over and we are then officially "over it"!

Instead, I have found it is like being plunked down into the middle of a mountain range. We start on the top, with the breathtaking view, when life is wonderful. We are just walking along, basking in the sun and the beautiful scenery when suddenly we fall off a cliff. Now we are lying in a deep, deep valley: bruised, confused, hurt, scared, and lonely. We soon realize that there is no easy way out, no rescue in sight. The only way out is to do it ourselves. So we start working our way up the mountainside, sometimes walking, sometimes crawling, and often stumbling. It is very hard, very discouraging, and very exhausting work. Finally we reach the top and see the sun again for a while. Maybe the top will be flat and we'll get to spend a little time up there enjoying it, or maybe it is very steep and as soon as we get there we have to start back down the other side into the next valley again.

The one thing we notice is that there are mountains as far as the eye can see. Somehow, we have to make our way through them if we are ever to get out. That thought can be overwhelming and cause us to give up for a while. But eventually we realize once again that the only way out is to keep going, so we start again: down one mountain and up the next. And sometimes on the journey, after a particularly hard stretch, we think, I'm so glad I finally made it through that!! And then we stop and look around and realize that we've been here before! All this work and we've gone in a circle and we're going to have to do it all again! And sometimes as we are climbing, we look up to see if we are getting any closer to the top, and we see a boulder heading our way. If we are fortunate, we manage to avoid it. But usually we can't, and it hits us head on and sends us tumbling back down to the bottom.

Sometimes when we are in the deepest part of the valley, we just sit, exhausted. And we might notice some things around us that we never saw before: flowers and animals and a gentle breeze in the cool of the valley. There is a world down in the valley that we never even knew existed, and there is beauty in it. And sometimes at night, when all is quiet, we can hear the others who are in the valley weeping. And it is then that we realize that we are not alone, that others are making this journey too. And we realize that we share an understanding of the journey and of the world of the valley that most others don't. And it gives us strength to start the climb all over again.

Sometimes as we are climbing the mountain, a helicopter may come by with some of our friends in it. Seeing us struggling up the mountain, they shout encouraging things like, I know just what you're going through; I went on a hike once. And, you are so strong; I know I couldn't make this climb! Or they ask, when will you finally get over these mountains and be yourself again? And we try to tell them about the journey and the world of the valley, but the sound of the helicopter drowns us out and they can't hear us. They throw down some food to give us energy, and it does, but some of it just pelts us on the head and makes the climb even harder. And then they leave, and we breathe a sigh of relief that we can get back to our climb in peace.

As we make this journey, we start to notice that we are becoming a little bit stronger. When we get to the rough patches we now see that we are shaken but don't always fall. We find that sometimes we can walk upright now, instead of just crawling. And sometimes we can see a rough spot ahead and manage to find a better way around it. And once in a while we crest a mountain and see that the top is very flat and very beautiful, and we get to spend quite a while resting and recovering on the top before starting down again. And we notice that we are getting closer to the edge of the mountains; they seem to be getting a little smaller. The mountains are not as tall, and the valleys are not as low or as wide. In fact, we can now see the foothills, and it gives us hope.

And throughout this journey, we see the others who are traveling it as well, sometimes at a distance, and sometimes up close. And we encourage each other to keep going and to watch out for certain things. We talk about the journey and the world of the valley. Finally, someone else who understands! And we cry together when it is just too hard. And sometimes, we catch a glimpse of someone who has made it to the foothills. And we are so excited for them, and we become even more determined to keep going because someday, we too, will make it to the foothills.

So my point is this: Everyone starts on a different mountain. No two journeys are the same. Some people spend a lot of time in the valley at first, and some have more time on top of the mountain. But we will all be on the mountains and in the valleys. And we will all someday make it to the foothills. I promise.
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Happy Birthday Brianna

Happy Birthday Brianna! We love you. I can't believe you are starting 1st grade next week. Seems like you were just born.


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15 months

Today is a blah day. Yesterday was as well. I really have been struggling lately. I mean REALLY struggling. That might come as a surprise to most, but I am. The daily tasks are hard. If I let you in my house, you'd be amazed at how disorganized it is. That's one of the frustrating things that has come with Dylan dying. I was so organized and on top of everything before he died. Now, it's another story. I try. Believe me I try. Life is just so overwhelming. I know that many think that I should be back to my old self. It isn't going to happen.

I miss Dylan. Kalen and I were just talking last night about how as time goes on it hasn't gotten any easier. If anything harder. The memories we have are farther away and it's been just way too long since we got to hold Dylan. I miss him so much. My brain is still trying to make sense of it. If I think about it too long I seriously feel crazy. It just doesn't make sense. I'm envious of all of you that have all your children here on earth with you. I wish I had all of my children here with me.

I don't expect many to understand the daily "hell" our family goes through everyday. We miss Dylan and wish he was here. There is a constant feeling that someone is missing. It SUCKS!!!!

I needed this today

Top 20 reasons Moms of kids with Special Needs ROCK!
Dandelion 28 Fall/Winter 2010

1. Because we never thought that “doing it all” would mean doing this much. But we do it all – And then some.

2. Because we’ve discovered patience we never knew we had.

3. Because we are willing to do something 10 times, 100 times, or 1000 times if that’s what it takes for our kids to learn something new.

4. Because we have heard doctors tell us the worst, and we’ve refused to believe them. Take that, nay saying doctors of the world!

5. Because we have bad days and breakdowns and bawl-fests, and then we pick ourselves up and keep right on going.

6. Because we gracefully handle the stares, the comments, the rude remarks. (Well, mostly gracefully.)

7. Because we manage to get ourselves together and get out the door looking pretty damn good. Heck, we even make sweatpants look good!

8. Because we are strong. Man, are we strong. Who knew we could be this strong?

9. Because we aren’t just moms, wives, cooks, cleaners, chauffeurs, and women who work. We are moms, wives, cooks, cleaners, chauffeurs, woman who work, physical therapists, speech therapists, occupational therapists, teachers, researchers, nurses, coaches, and cheerleaders. Whew!

10. Because we work overtime every single day.

11. Because we also worry overtime, but we work it through. Or we eat chocolate or Pirates Booty or gourmet cheese (which aren’t reimbursable by insurance as mental health necessities, but should be).

12. Because we are more selfless than other moms. Our kids need a more.

13. Because we give our kids with special needs endless love and then we still have so much love left over for our other kids, our husbands, our families.

14. Because we inspire one another in that crazy blogosphere every single day.

15. Because we understand our kids better than anyone else even if they cant talk, even if they can’t gesture, even if they can’t look us in the eye. We know. We just know.

16. Because we never stop pushing for our kids.

17. Because we never stop hoping for them either.

18. Because just when we seems things are going okay they’re suddenly not okay, but we deal. Somehow we always deal – even when it seems like our heads or hearts might explode.

19. Because when we look at our kids, we just see great kids, not kids with cerebral palsy/autism/down syndrome/developmental delays/whatever.

20. Because… well, you tell me!


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I love this saying!