Sunday, May 24, 2020

I'm back.......

Did you miss me? Has it really been 5 years since I last did a post? I guess it has been. Where has the time gone? What was life like 5 years ago. Well I had a 1-1/2-year old, 4-year-old and a 9-year-old in May of 2015. I busted out my phone and scrolled through thousands of photos. So many memories! I can't be the only one that has tens of thousands of photos on their phone, right? So, let me give the fast forward version of what happened in the last 5 years. My kids grew up way too fast, I ran one of my last half marathons with some friends, 2017 was known as pneumonia summer for me (it was AWFUL), Kalen started a new job (yay! Can't believe he's been with his job for now 3.5 years), 2018 was left knee surgery and major health complications for my parents, 2019 was right knee surgery and a family trip to Maui and 2020 as we all know it is COVID-19. This year, 2020, has been the LONGEST year ever. So many memes have been sent to my text group of girlfriends about the "Rona", we had a birthday parade for Isabella and the baking seemed to never end. I guess the good news is that I have finally mastered making bread. I still don't get why everyone ran to the store to get yeast, flour, rice and of course toilet paper. Still trying to wrap my head around that last one!

So here we are now, during the past 5 years, our family has experienced "the unknown", sadness, joys, and happiness. There was a time that I never thought I'd be able to feel pure joy. When Isabella was born, just 7 weeks shy of the 1-year mark of Dylan's death, I was overcome with joy. Then when Sophia was born in 2013, once again that magical feeling of joy was felt. Joy has slowly found a way back into our life on a more regular basis.

Over the years, as our family hears motorcycles go by, we smile and sometimes laugh. I can still hear Dylan laughing. It's as if he's here with us sometimes. It's the little things that I miss the most. He would literally bust up laughing. Were his senses overstimulated or did he really think it was the funny sound ever? I'm going with the second one!

As we approach, the 10-year anniversary of his unexpected death, I am filled will all kinds of emotions. Sometimes I'm numb. Sometimes I'm angry. Sometimes I'm sad. This past Saturday was a tough one. I made a post on Facebook about grief and how heavy I was feeling it. Grief has often been compared to "waves". The rushing feeling coming in and crashing against you. Sometimes it knocks you down or pulls you under no matter how hard you try to stand. Last year while in Maui, I tried to bury my feet in the sand and let the waves crash against me and tried to stay standing. Others have done that right?? I tried to "control" my surroundings; like I could really control a crashing wave. There were times I stood tall, others where I fell backwards and others when I got caught in the waves. That's how it is with grief. Sometimes I can stand tall and keep moving. Other times, I'm knocked down and found rolling through all kinds of emotions. Ranging from sadness, angry, disappointment, regret, and guilt. A friend shared this pic with me; it sums up grief really well I think.


When Dylan died, I remember that sometime during those first few months I told Kalen that I wanted to have a race to benefit The Epilepsy Foundation and honor Dylan when 10 years came around. It's amazes me how fast 10 years came. It wasn't going to be a "big" race with lots of sponsors, official timers, race bibs, or live music. If I was lucky, I would have had race shirts made/donated and had family and friends participate in it. While I was struggling yesterday, the thought came to me that maybe, just maybe we could pull a virtual 5k run/walk off. There are no race shirts but people are participating to remember and honor Dylan. My friend, Hannah, helped me come up with the hashtag - #5kfordylan2020 (search for it on Instagram and Facebook). So, if you want to participate, we'd love to see your posts. Make sure to use that hashtag or tag me if we are friends on social media. The outpouring of love and support since I posted about the run has been amazing. THANK YOU!! To see Dylan's sweet face on Instagram or Facebook has been so touching. For me one of the things I've wanted most since Dylan died, is that he is remembered. That people knew he existed, how special he is and how loved he is.

Dylan died from #sudep. Maybe you've heard of it but my guess is you most likely haven't. One of the goals our family has as we approach the 10-year mark, is that others can get the help and support to understand seizures better and find a cure. It would be an honor to have people donate in Dylan's memory to the The Epilepsy Foundation. Dylan was on seizure medicine when he passed away. We were transitioning him to a different medicine because the one he was on wasn't effective for him. His seizures weren't as controlled as we had hoped. We tried so many different meds for Dylan's seizures. Some worked great but lost their effectiveness. Others had horrible side effects. There was a period of time that Dylan screamed pretty much around the clock, because his liver was inflamed and no lab work was testing for it. Those were some really tough months. Ironically, in March of 2010, just 2 months before he died, he had a colonoscopy and endoscopy. That's what started the process of the medicine change. I can still see Dylan's smiling face while he was about to go to anesthesia for the previous procedures. He was so loopy from the pre-meds.

I wanted to give a HUGE thank you shout out to those of you that have donated to The Epilepsy Foundation in honor of Dylan. It truly means so much. And to those of that have committed to run or walk in honor of Dylan this week, thank you. Thank you for taking the time to remember a 6 year, 10 months and 4-day old little boy. Thank you for the love and support throughout the past 10 years.

Here's hoping that I can survive this week in one piece. Between Dylan's upcoming angel day, my mom's chemotherapy and everyday life, I have a feeling it's going to be one very long and emotional week. Trying to stay positive but it's super hard.

So, until next blog post, hang on tight and make sure you have a life jacket because you never know what's coming your way.





Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Living

I honestly can't believe it's been so long since I've last posted something. I wanted to write on the 5 year mark back in May. I just couldn't find the words. It sucked. That was all. 

Over the past 5 years there have been flooding moments of grief. A tsunami of emotions; anger, heartache, confusion and an overwhelming sadness. There have been breaks in the "clouds" where I can feel warmth, happiness and peace. 

Life has a funny way of continuing. I still can vividly remember trying to find the perfect outfit for Dylan's funeral. Watching the cars drive around me as if nothing had happened. The girl behind the counter ringing my purchase up, inquiring if I was buying a graduation outfit for my son. I remember the sting and the tears welling up in my eyes and quietly answering "no these are to bury my son in". What else was there to say. 

As each month goes by, it's that much harder in some ways. The "new" normal is the normal. It seems like a different life that I once lead. Friends are different. Our family has grown. However the longing to hold my sweet Dylan is still there. Oh how I miss him. 

Christmas has been really hard since Dylan's death. That is partly why we ask to "help fill his stocking". It puts smiles on our faces as we read the acts of service performed in rememberance of Dylan. 

It's crazy to think that if he was alive he would be 12. Kalen thinks I wouldn't be able to lift him. He is probably right. At the age of 6 1/2, he was 3/4 of my height. He would have been so tall. 

What I'd give to deal with the struggles we faced daily while Dylan was alive. That still is normal. 

I am so grateful for Dylan and the knowledge I gained being his mom. The ability to learn how to be less judgmental. The ability to see others how our loving Heavenly Father sees them. To be happy despite so many challenges. While I am no where near perfect with all of these things, I am better because of my Mr. D. 

As Christmas approaches, my wish is that we can all be a little kinder. A little friendlier. A little bit better. 

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Not so small after 1 year

I'm sitting here in Sophia's room, rocking her to sleep. To think a year ago we were in the hospital and it was painful to hold her due to just having a c section. Now she is "big", but yet still so small. 

I have loved being a mom to all of my kids. Each one teaches me different things on a daily basis. Each one has enriched my life in ways I never thought possible. 

For me, time has been an enemy since Dylan died. It either goes by too fast or extremely slow. As I sit here rocking Sophia, listening to her breathing slow, I can't believe it's been a year since she was born. Where has the time gone?? 

I tried hard to savor every minute (even the ones that seemed never ending due to lack of sleep) because I knew she would be the last baby for Kalen and I. 
There is something that pulls on my heartstrings when I think about it. 

I've watched Sophia closely this past year, to see how she has learned to roll, sit, crawl, walk, give kisses, say hi, and constantly babble "mama". It's so fascinating to me how babies learn (that's probably why I have a degree in Child Development). 

I am grateful for the opportunity I've been given to be a mom. To be a buddy to one. To be comforter to another. To be my kids' "mama". 

While I could be cleaning the house, washing the dishes or doing something else, I'm going to choose to rock my baby a little longer because I know firsthand what it's like not to be able to do so. 

I'm feeling sentimental tonight. Many thoughts are racing through my head as I reflect on this past year. There have been good and bad times, calm and hectic times, but overall this year has been a blessing. With that being said, Happy birthday my sweet Sophia. You are truly a blessing!

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Life...what it's really like

I pretty much skip over commercials when watching TV shows on my DVR (well the Dish Hopper does it for me) BUT there are a few random occasions that I will see a commercial (whenever my kids are watching a show of theirs) that makes me think "yeah right!"

Let me paint the scene. A mom is giving her baby a bath or changing the baby's diaper. There is calm music, mother and child are looking tenderly at each other. It's all smiles. Well advertising companies, I've got news for you. I am assuming that whoever thought up these "lovely" commercials has never had kids, because they would surely know that is not what it's like.

Now let me paint the scene for a diaper change at my house. As soon as I walk with Sophia into her room she starts screaming. I'm sure it's because she thinks that she is going to be going down for a nap. So as I gently lay her down on the changing table and give her a smile, she starts to squirm, roll, protest and scream even louder. I have to give her "something" (a diaper, a toy, a tube of desitin), you get the idea, to help her not move all over the place. After what should take just a few seconds and be painstakingly easy, I've worked up a little sweat from trying to make sure my child doesn't go flying off the side of the changing table.

I wonder why diaper companies don't show that type of diaper change. I'm sure more than at least half of all parents experience my "scene" much more often than the one portrayed on TV. I could go on and on about how TV is so unrealistic but I won't.

I just know that as I change Sophia's diapers numerous times today, there won't be any peaceful music or a happy baby during the process. What will I get?? I get a screaming baby that can't wait for it all to be over with, not realizing that if she did do what the TV commercials appear to make what a diaper change is, she might not have tears in her eyes and a splotchy forehead.

I really think that diaper/baby product companies REALLY need to do a better job of what parenthood is like. I mean I'm still going to have to buy diapers, baby food or any kind of baby supplies. I'm just saying......

Some of my random thoughts on a Sunday morning:)


Thursday, October 9, 2014

Should.......

I think I've pretty much always detested the word "should". I hate thinking that someone is telling me I have to do something. Today though, it isn't someone, its my brain. I guess in a round about way, I'm telling myself that I "should" be doing something. (Brain don't you know that you aren't suppose to do that!)

I was up 3 times with Sophia last night. It's rough today so far. I'm not sure why she was up so much. She might be teething, or gassy or wanted to nurse. Whatever the reason, I got up and comforted her. I am exhausted today. Despite being exhausted, I am grateful that I get to get up with her - with any of my kids for that matter. While sleep is a wonderful and magical thing, being able to get up to help one of kids at night is something I don't take for granted. It could also be, that because in the back of my mind I wonder if that will be the last time I will see them living and breathing. Something about having a child dies does that.

So because of lack of sleep and stress,  I am having a major flare up today. My body is achy all over. Prior to being diagnosed with 2 different auto immune diseases, I never hurt like this. It is a pain I had never experienced. It's awful and for me is debilitating. So while all I want to be doing is sleeping, because I know that's what I SHOULD be doing, my mind won't stop running a list of things I SHOULD be doing as well. Here's my list:

 1. Sweep the floors
 2. Mop the floors
 3. Start laundry (Wait didn't I do laundry already this week?? Why are my kids telling me they have no clothes)
 4. Check girls room for clothes
 5. Tell girls they need to clean and organize their room
 6. Make time to help girls organize their room
 7. Find a box for donations and grab trash bags
 8. Take a nap while Sophia is napping this morning (seeing I'm blogging and she is now crying again, this will not be happening)
 9. Send email to Brianna's teacher about the Science Project
10. Clean my bathroom
11. Find a way to get some sort of exercise because weigh in for the weight loss competition I'm doing is tomorrow morning. (I can barely move so this should be interesting)
12. Figure out why my body is not making milk and that I better get formula for Sophia (try not to have a breakdown because of this)

So to the word "should", I'm going to pretend that you don't exist today and do whatever I can to make it through the day!

I'm curious, if you could eliminate a word from your day what would it be??

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

My motherly thoughts

Watching Brianna grow up is bittersweet. Lately there has been lots of talk (on her end) of what it will be like when she's older. I see the excitement and wonder in her eyes but my heart aches. 

I no longer am "all knowing" in her mind. I've been hearing a lot of "I know that" or "that's not right, you're wrong". I can only  guess what my mom felt when I started saying these kinds of things. It's hard to swallow as a mom. I love watching her learn and grow but at the same time it reminds me that she won't stay little forever. I can see the struggle that faces her daily of wanting to do things someone older would do and then doing things younger girls do. I of course am silently trying to guide her to the younger girl choices.  

She is still my sweet girl despite the eye rolls and the occasional sassiness. I hope that she will feel confident with herself, that she won't follow the crowd or worry about what others think. I hope and pray that she will make good choices with whatever comes her way. 

When I stop and think about her getting older, I hope that I (meaning Kalen & I) will have prepared her for the world. That she will see the good around her instead of the bad. That she will love unconditionally. That she will share her light with those around her. That she will be a loyal friend. That others will be drawn towards her because she is different and stands up for what she believes in. 

Being a mom is the hardest thing I've ever done. It's not a 8-5 job. It's constant. I never thought that I would worry so much about another as I do my kids. 

I hope that my girls know how much I love and adore them. I'm so grateful that I am their mother. While my "job" is not valued by the world as a worthy job, it is one of the most important ones I've ever had. I pray I can do it well. 

So here's to rolling with the punches (not literally) and trying not to laugh at my eye rolling queen, tantrum drama queen and baby that needs to be physically touching me ALL the time (is there a queen for that?). I'm grateful for my sweet girls. This isn't the easiest job, but it can and has been the most rewarding job I've done in my life so far.

Feeling emotional tonight. Grateful for my family. Missing Dylan. Standing in awe of how wonderful my kids are and how blessed I am. 


Monday, September 15, 2014

Have you missed me???

I say it time and time again, I know. I truly mean to blog often but life has a certain way of not allowing me to do that. I guess that's a good thing that I am busy. There are still so many things that I need to do or that I'd like to do.

Summer was a whirlwind. Lots of fun family day trips. We made a "Bjurstrom Summer Bucket List". Some of the activities were REALLY easy. Other's required some planning. I think one of my favorite day trips was trying to go to Muir Woods. Brianna had been begging to go. We loaded up in the car and headed out. By the time we got to Muir Woods, trying to park was INSANE! I circled a few times. I was even willing to park along the road. It wasn't meant for that day, I guess. So we continued to 2 beaches that day. Memories were made and we had LOTS and LOTS of fun. My mom (aka Grandma) was pulled over by Isabella when a big waved crashed into them. It was funny. (I'm pretty sure though that my mom didn't think so).
This is literally right before a huge wave soaked them.

Here are a few more pictures from that day.


We decided the week after our first try to go to Muir Woods that we would try again, but this time leave earlier and we could circle the parking lots a few times. It was much less busy the second day we tried. I was about to give up but I knew Brianna REALLY wanted to go, so I went to the front parking lot one more time. Just as I was pulling into the entrance I saw a car pulling out. YAY!!! Brianna would get her wish of going to Muir Woods. It was fun walking around and admiring the beauty that was there. 

After we went to Muir Woods, we went on to see the Golden Gate, did the paddle boats on Stow Lake, went to the Japanese Tea Garden and then checked out "The Full House" house. Brianna loves that show. I could tell she was bummed that it wasn't exactly like the TV show, but she was still pretty excited. It was a great day (despite getting stuck in horrible San Francisco traffic on the way home).

Summer was pretty laid back here at our house. Although we had the bucket list, the girls mainly wanted to swim at my parents house. It's nice they are so close, that way the girls can go swim while Sophia was napping and I got some quiet time. YAY for quiet time!

School is back in full swing. We have a 4th grader and a preschooler. When did this happen??? I feel like my life is flying by and my children are growing up WAY to fast. I am really trying to enjoy the moments, even the not so great ones (i.e. teething infant, tantrums and 9 year old emotions).

This past weekend, I attended a Women's Conference, called Time Out for Women through Deseret Book. You can check out their website here. I was able to go with my mom, my best friend and my friend's mom. It was wonderful taking time for myself and listening to the wonderful speakers. I came home with checklist of things I want to try, change or eliminate. Kalen was awesome with watching the girls, keeping the house clean and entertaining the girls. I'm grateful that he was willing to watch our girls so I could go and be uplifted. I can't wait for next year!

Well Sophia just woke up from her nap and I have dinner to make. While this wasn't the most awesome post, it was a little snippet into what our summer was like. I'm really ready for fall or at least cooler weather. It was in the 100's over the weekend and it's MISERABLE! Here's to cooler weather, leaves changing colors, sweaters and apples!

What was your favorite thing this past summer???

Thursday, June 19, 2014

4 years

I have been trying to post this entry for 3 weeks now. Each member of my family has been sick sometime during the last 3 weeks. Plus there was the last week of school. During the last 3 weeks, we took time to remember our sweet Dylan on his Angel Day. We gathered with friends and family at the cemetery to honor him. We blew bubbles. Each year seems impossible that we've made it through another one. I can't believe it's been 4 years. It's very surreal. Kalen and I were just talking about how it seems like it was a different life. Those our age, it's kind of like when you think of high school. We have our memories and a few of his belongings and that's it. It's the strangest feeling and I don't like it.

This last year has been strange. While my emotions are very raw on some days, I've come to accept that because of grief some days are worse than others.

I recently had someone tell me that since Dylan's death they aren't sure how to "approach me". I've pondered about this. I find it strange but I get it in a way. Yes there have been blog posts I've written about how upset I've been at the hurtful things people have said to me BUT that doesn't mean you can't talk to me. Let me just stress that it's not at all helpful to tell a grieving special needs parent(s) that "their life must be so much better now that their special needs child is gone" or "that the only one in a hole is Dylan". Those are the some of the hurtful and outright rude comments that people have said to Kalen and I. It's my understanding that people haven't "approached" us (Kalen & I) because they are scared of saying the wrong thing. I feel that is a super lame excuse not to talk to us.

To me it's like the "golden rule". I think that's what it is called. You know the one that is "If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all"...... or "treat others how you want to be treated".

I've been grateful for my friends that I have made since Dylan's death that don't hold me to some standard of "who I use to be". I'm grateful for those that I can call friends that have stuck with me through thick and thin. Who have seen me at my worst. Who have sent texts telling me they were thinking of me or that they saw a dragonfly or that they heard a sound that would have sent Dylan into a fit of laughter.

So to those of you that feel you can't talk to me, approach me or "handle" me, I say try. You might be surprised of just how friendly I am. I'm just saying:)

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone


LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails