Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Living

I honestly can't believe it's been so long since I've last posted something. I wanted to write on the 5 year mark back in May. I just couldn't find the words. It sucked. That was all. 

Over the past 5 years there have been flooding moments of grief. A tsunami of emotions; anger, heartache, confusion and an overwhelming sadness. There have been breaks in the "clouds" where I can feel warmth, happiness and peace. 

Life has a funny way of continuing. I still can vividly remember trying to find the perfect outfit for Dylan's funeral. Watching the cars drive around me as if nothing had happened. The girl behind the counter ringing my purchase up, inquiring if I was buying a graduation outfit for my son. I remember the sting and the tears welling up in my eyes and quietly answering "no these are to bury my son in". What else was there to say. 

As each month goes by, it's that much harder in some ways. The "new" normal is the normal. It seems like a different life that I once lead. Friends are different. Our family has grown. However the longing to hold my sweet Dylan is still there. Oh how I miss him. 

Christmas has been really hard since Dylan's death. That is partly why we ask to "help fill his stocking". It puts smiles on our faces as we read the acts of service performed in rememberance of Dylan. 

It's crazy to think that if he was alive he would be 12. Kalen thinks I wouldn't be able to lift him. He is probably right. At the age of 6 1/2, he was 3/4 of my height. He would have been so tall. 

What I'd give to deal with the struggles we faced daily while Dylan was alive. That still is normal. 

I am so grateful for Dylan and the knowledge I gained being his mom. The ability to learn how to be less judgmental. The ability to see others how our loving Heavenly Father sees them. To be happy despite so many challenges. While I am no where near perfect with all of these things, I am better because of my Mr. D. 

As Christmas approaches, my wish is that we can all be a little kinder. A little friendlier. A little bit better. 

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