2 Years

It's here! It's been a strange few days. I can't believe that it's been 2 years since I got to last hold Dylan, hear his laugh, kiss his cheek, smell his hair and just have him here. My heart aches to hold and see him. I'm still not use to him not being here. My mind is still trying to make sense of it all.

It's been very bittersweet for the past few days. We have been amazed and touched by those that have remembered our sweet boy, but miss him so much. We have received emails, texts, and posts on our Facebook Timelines of our friends and their families blowing bubbles or drawings of bubbles in honoring Dylan's memory. Dylan loved bubbles. I can just picture him smiling and laughing if he was here.

Here's a few pictures I've received:

































I also want to thank those that brought dinner or treats. Thank you to those that came to the cemetery on Monday. It warms our heart that so many care.

All I can say is THANK YOU for remembering and honoring our sweet Dylan!

My heart is full of gratitude but is still "broken". I'm trying to put it back together the best I can. It's been so hard, frustrating and overwhelming. Maybe one day it won't be so broken, but it is what it is for now.

Each day brings its own challenges and I am trying my best to plow through it. It's like Im running but slowly sinking in sand. Very little progress is happening, but I guess it's better than no progress.

I am grateful for the knowledge that I have a Savior who loves me. I'm grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who hears and answers my prayers. I'm grateful for my family and look forward to being reunited again someday. I am grateful to the friends that have stuck around all this time and still are willing to hold my hand, lend a listening ear and withhold judgement. You've made that part in my grief journey a little more bearable. Thank you!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

It's coming......

Kalen had to leave for work early today. Usually I'd be working out but I am so tired lately. It's either grief, Isabella or both.

This is a hard time of year for our family now. We feel the weight building around our hearts as each day gets closer to the 28th and 29th of this month. I can't believe it will be 2 years that I last got to hold my sweet Dylan. I miss him so much.

I had someone tell me that the "second year in" is different from the first. My friend felt a lot more anger. It definitely has been that way for me. The shock has disappeared and I feel and see the chaos around me. Trying to pick up the pieces and make sense of it all is OVERWHELMING.

The way I feel now is different than last year at this time. I was just thinking yesterday that I had an almost a 1 month old at this time last year. How I functioned is beyond me, because I feel like I'm barely hanging on most days now.

I've been horrible at blogging. Ive wanted to but haven't been sure what to type. I've always been honest with my emotions and expressing my feelings but I just haven't had it in me to deal with the backlash from others. The "I'm worried about you or I've been thinking about you" comments make it seem like I'm not handling Dylan's death the right way in others eyes. Is there a right way? In my mind, it means getting up....yes getting out of bed (it's not an easy task) and caring for my family. I have so much I want to accomplish on a daily basis and am so frustrated that barely anything gets done. Part of it is having a baby/toddler while grieving. Yes I'm still grieving. It's always there. While the pain isn't as intense as it was a year ago, its there...it's changed me. I really believe that unless someone has experienced losing a child, it's very hard to understand. You might see me and think, "she's doing good, or wow she's amazing, or I don't know how you do it, or she must be doing better". The list could go on and on with the comments I've been told, but the fact of the matter is that I'm just trying to live. There isn't an instruction manual on how to "carry on" after the death of a child. Feeling a gaping hole in my heart on a daily basis isn't something I enjoy.

I've lost friends along the way since Dylan has died. It has saddened me. It hurts........
How hard is it to send a text or email? I mean really. I truly appreciate those individuals that have stuck around and hung on to this crazy ride I'm on with me. Those are my true friends and I am eternally grateful for them. I'm able to talk about Dylan, my feelings, my hopes, my fears, my heart wrenching grief with them, without it being awkward and uncomfortable or me being left feeling guilty I feel I certain way.

Meeting new people (which is hard for me since I've never been really social) is like a fresh breath of air because I don't feel like they hold me to some level of expectation. What they see is what they get.

Dylan's angel day is coming up and I've been trying to think of how we want to honor him. It scares me that those that remember him is getting smaller and smaller. On a side note to that, I got an email from one of Dylan's past therapists about a report someone had written about Dylan while in his freshman year of college this past December. He remembered Dylan and honored his memory. He had volunteered as a therapist's assistant while in high school at least 2 years before Dylan died. I was so touched. It truly was an unexpected blessing.
Those are the people I'm honored to call "my own".

So I ask you my readers how can we celebrate Dylan this year on his Angel Day? I need ideas......

I REALLY REALLY want shirts made with Dylan's picture on them to have at his Angel Day. Can someone help me with that? Can someone help me figure out how we will honor him this year? I NEED him to be remembered!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone