It's coming......

Kalen had to leave for work early today. Usually I'd be working out but I am so tired lately. It's either grief, Isabella or both.

This is a hard time of year for our family now. We feel the weight building around our hearts as each day gets closer to the 28th and 29th of this month. I can't believe it will be 2 years that I last got to hold my sweet Dylan. I miss him so much.

I had someone tell me that the "second year in" is different from the first. My friend felt a lot more anger. It definitely has been that way for me. The shock has disappeared and I feel and see the chaos around me. Trying to pick up the pieces and make sense of it all is OVERWHELMING.

The way I feel now is different than last year at this time. I was just thinking yesterday that I had an almost a 1 month old at this time last year. How I functioned is beyond me, because I feel like I'm barely hanging on most days now.

I've been horrible at blogging. Ive wanted to but haven't been sure what to type. I've always been honest with my emotions and expressing my feelings but I just haven't had it in me to deal with the backlash from others. The "I'm worried about you or I've been thinking about you" comments make it seem like I'm not handling Dylan's death the right way in others eyes. Is there a right way? In my mind, it means getting up....yes getting out of bed (it's not an easy task) and caring for my family. I have so much I want to accomplish on a daily basis and am so frustrated that barely anything gets done. Part of it is having a baby/toddler while grieving. Yes I'm still grieving. It's always there. While the pain isn't as intense as it was a year ago, its there...it's changed me. I really believe that unless someone has experienced losing a child, it's very hard to understand. You might see me and think, "she's doing good, or wow she's amazing, or I don't know how you do it, or she must be doing better". The list could go on and on with the comments I've been told, but the fact of the matter is that I'm just trying to live. There isn't an instruction manual on how to "carry on" after the death of a child. Feeling a gaping hole in my heart on a daily basis isn't something I enjoy.

I've lost friends along the way since Dylan has died. It has saddened me. It hurts........
How hard is it to send a text or email? I mean really. I truly appreciate those individuals that have stuck around and hung on to this crazy ride I'm on with me. Those are my true friends and I am eternally grateful for them. I'm able to talk about Dylan, my feelings, my hopes, my fears, my heart wrenching grief with them, without it being awkward and uncomfortable or me being left feeling guilty I feel I certain way.

Meeting new people (which is hard for me since I've never been really social) is like a fresh breath of air because I don't feel like they hold me to some level of expectation. What they see is what they get.

Dylan's angel day is coming up and I've been trying to think of how we want to honor him. It scares me that those that remember him is getting smaller and smaller. On a side note to that, I got an email from one of Dylan's past therapists about a report someone had written about Dylan while in his freshman year of college this past December. He remembered Dylan and honored his memory. He had volunteered as a therapist's assistant while in high school at least 2 years before Dylan died. I was so touched. It truly was an unexpected blessing.
Those are the people I'm honored to call "my own".

So I ask you my readers how can we celebrate Dylan this year on his Angel Day? I need ideas......

I REALLY REALLY want shirts made with Dylan's picture on them to have at his Angel Day. Can someone help me with that? Can someone help me figure out how we will honor him this year? I NEED him to be remembered!

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