Anxious

Have you ever known that your life was going to change in an instant?? That's the impeding feeling, I am feeling right now. Today is the last Friday of being pregnant. Life as I've known it for the past 2 1/2 years will be changing. It's scary. It's the unknown. I'm nervous about so many things.

First of all I'm worried that something is going to wrong….whether it be with my surgery or with Sophia. I know everyone tells me all will be okay, but having had a special needs child, I know that it isn't ALWAYS okay. We did do genetic testing back in July and all looked great, BUT Kalen & I both know that there a million things that they can't test for. We aren't as naive was we were when I was pregnant with Dylan. We didn't have any idea that Dylan would have the challenges he did, BUT Kalen and I both had a feeling that something was wrong but didn't know what. This time around, I'm worried something is wrong, or at least that's what I'm telling myself. It's a different kind of feeling. For the past 3 weeks I've had to do antepartum testing. While it was kind of annoying to have to find a sitter for Isabella, there was comfort in hearing her heartbeat and making sure she was moving enough. I guess I'm grateful that my blood pressure was a little high at my doctor's appointments. That's what sent me to get the testing done.

I'm worried that Isabella is going to have a VERY hard time with a new baby in the house. I've been told a million things from different people on what to do to help her adjust. I think we will just have to wait and see. She is already referring to herself as "baby Isabella" and crawling on the floor sometimes instead of walking. I had started to potty train her but decided that it wasn't that great of an idea since I'm pretty sure she would regress once the new baby is here.

I'm sure ALL moms have had this worry at sometime during their children's lives, "How am I going to be able to do it"? Kalen is taking 2 weeks off and my parents are flying  home for a little over a week to help, but what happens when they leave and Kalen is back at work? That is terrifying to me. I've at least had my parents next door to help once Kalen went back to work and I felt more confident in my mothering skills. I have a feeling that dinners will be VERY simple and that there will be MANY, MANY days in pjs. As long as Brianna gets to and from school, gets her homework done, my children are clean, feed and happy, PJ days are okay with me. I know that there is ALWAYS an adjustment period after a new baby comes home.

Another worry I have is, "What if I die on the operating table"? I know the chances are small but still it's there. I mean I have to sign a consent form with that possibility. This will be my 4th and last c-section. It sounds weird but I think I've purposefully have forgotten the recovery part. I've had a few friends who have had one this past year and they are up and moving fairly quicker than I EVER remember doing. My recovery was HORRIBLE with Isabella. I think part of it was still dealing grief of Dylan's death and having it be almost 6 years since I had had a c section. I'm hoping and praying that all goes smoothly this time around. I mean what would Kalen do with a newborn, a 2.5 year old and an 8 year girl? I can't let my mind go there, but it does. Just please pray and think good thoughts for me. I'm not sure how my grief is going to be manifested on one of the happiest days of my life. But I can feel it hiding, waiting for it to appear with full force.

I remember before Isabella was born, wondering if I could love her as much as I do my other kids. Once I saw her I was "in love". The love I instantly felt for her and Brianna and Dylan is magical! I know that I will love Sophia the moment I see her, but there is that question running through my head, "Will I have that magical moment like with the others?" Someone please tell me I'm not the only pregnant woman to think this!!!

I can't wait for Monday to come. To meet our newest family member. She will be fresh from heaven. I can picture Dylan telling her all about our family and filling her in on things that drive me nuts and things that will touch my heart. In some strange way it helps me feel closer to Dylan.

In the meantime, besides having crazy dreams, cleaning like a crazy woman, having a sore back and feeling anxious, I am going to try my hardest to enjoy the last few days with just Kalen, Brianna and Isabella.

What have you found helpful with helping calm your nerves about motherhood? Leave a comment or tell me on Facebook.