So.......

I had a good talk today with my dear friend, Kasie, while sitting at a birthday party for one of Brianna's friends. I'm grateful for that chance. I LOVE that I can laugh and cry with her. We met after Dylan died, so she just knows me as CRAZY Francesca. (She tells me I'm not crazy though....I sure beg to differ) I am grateful for the friends that have opened their hearts to me and have accepted me the way I am. I told her that I want to open my own business. Not sure of what but that is one of the goals on my list before I die. Anyone have any ideas??? The other thing I told her is that I want to write a book. I'm sure some of your are laughing as you read that. Not sure what it will be about or if it would even make it to print, but its a goal of mine. Any ideas of what I could write about???

I received a text from another dear friend, Linda, today that said, "Been thinking of you and your beautiful family today being the 29th. xxx" The strength and love I feel from friends that remember that certain dates on the calendar, month after month, suck for our family, have helped my heart heal, the best it can.

Today has been weird. It marks another month since Dylan died. 28 months... My life is so different. Imagine waking up one day and life as you know it is gone. I don't have to "fight" to get services and "equipment" for my child, no medicine is given on a daily basis, no therapy appointments, no teacher coming to our home, no lifting my child out of bed everyday to a wheelchair, no worries about how many or how long seizures have been in a day, no one who laughs and loves "raspberries" on their cheeks, no listening to jazz music, or an array of Greg & Steve cd's, or Bessie's beautiful voice. Those are all too painful to listen to now. Maybe one day. I know some view that not "doing" those things, must make life so much better (can you believe more than 1 person has said that to Kalen or I????) but it doesn't. I miss hugging my sweet boy. I miss knowing he is sleeping safely in his bed. I miss rocking him. I miss singing to him. I miss seeing him, sitting in his wheelchair, kicking his legs to his favorite music. I miss his laugh. I miss seeing his sweet face. I miss seeing his smile. I miss hearing his incredible laugh. I miss his hair. I miss brushing his teeth. I miss getting him dressed. I miss his "team" of teachers and therapists. I miss his voice. I miss him waking up in the middle of the night and for me to help him get comfortable. I miss him taking his feeding tube out and formula going in the floor. (REALLY?!?!?, YES!) I miss our family being "whole". I miss being able to hold Dylan. He wouldn't fight me hugging on him like Isabella. Once she's gotten a hug or a kiss, she's ready to go. No snuggling on the couch for her. She's got things to do and places to see. Brianna is like Dylan that she likes to cuddle but of course when it's convenient for
her. Dylan would sit with Kalen or myself for hours and enjoy it! I miss seeing him get excited when Kalen came home from work.

It seems like a lifetime ago that he was here. To think that 2 1/2 years ago, normal was good. Normal had it challenges, but we were happy. We were whole as a family here on earth. Now it always feels as someone is missing. Words can't describe how sucky it is.

As much as I try to push the 28th and 29th out of my mind each month, they find their way to creep in. I made a promise to myself that I would help someone on one of those days to help me focus more on others. I'm so glad that my friend, Danielle, asked me to do her a favor. I woke up early and drove her and her two adorable kids to the airport. She is sworn to secrecy on how scary I look early in the morning. Just that simple act helped my heart.

When Dylan was alive, everyday was filled with service caring for him. I miss doing that. I'm not sharing my act of service as a way to boast about myself but to honestly say my day started out much happier. It gave me a reason to get up today. I seriously have a heavier heart on the 28th and 29th. So Danielle, thank you for letting me help you!

I know we've all heard it before but seriously just smile at someone as an act of service. You never know how that could brighten my day. For me it was the opportunity, a conversation and a text that helped make today bearable. I'm blessed with wonderful friends.

So.....what's tomorrow going to bring???


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