4 months

It's literally has been 4 months since Dylan was legally pronounced "brain dead". I vaguely remember collapsing to the hospital floor and having those around us help pick me up. Many since that day have "helped" to try and pick me up.

I have so many thoughts going through my head today. The first and foremost is that I am so grateful that I was chosen to be Dylan's mom. He is such a great kid. Those that didn't get to know him missed out on so much. He was so much more than a little boy that couldn't communicate like"typical" people do. He had the best personality, smile, and laugh. I miss seeing and hearing those things so much.

I remember after Dylan was born that his cruddy neurologist had told me that seizures would be something I'd get use to. I thought he was crazy. In time I realized what he meant. I would get use to them in some strange sense, they weren't as emotionally draining as they were in the beginning. I came to understand what came after Dylan had a seizure and what to do. I was prepared. People have said the rudest things since Dylan has died. I will not repeat them, as they make me angry, but Dylan's death is nothing that our family will get use to or over. A part of our family is missing and is not here. For me that was no preparing for Dylan's death. There is nothing normal about him not being physically here.

I was reminded the other day, about my great grandma and great grandpa who lost their son to foul play. His body was never found. There wasn't a place that they could visit or take flowers. I can't imagine not knowing where Dylan's body is. I at least have that. Every time I go to the cemetery I want to dig him up and bring him home. Yes, I know to some of you now think I have lost my mind, but you haven't buried a child so you have NO idea what that feels like.

I don't want this to be a complete downer, but that's where I am in my grief. I think I am finally feeling the "anger". It's not at my Heavenly Father. It's at people. The things they say, don't do or do. Honestly do you think I want to bare my soul and heartache to you when there is judgement or an attempt to understand, meaning you THINK you get what I'm feeling. If you haven't lost a child you DO NOT KNOW OR UNDERSTAND how I feel. It is impossible for you to do so. Whether it be your parent, sibling or friend, unless you have suffered the loss of a child you don't get it. Please do not tell me you do. It is SO ANNOYING!!!

I'm sure some of you have tried to imagine what your life would be like without your child, but you are lucky because you can still see, smell, and touch them. Where I can not. I had two friends that had a child pass away and I remember trying to imagine what it would be like if Dylan or Brianna were no longer here in this life. Let me tell you, the pain I thought I would feel is NOTHING close to what I thought it would be like. For me, my daily life is different. I NO longer plan my day around feedings, therapy, and who is coming to my house. Life as I knew it no longer exists. Try to imagine waking up one morning and having everything and everyone you knew on a daily basis gone. Doesn't feel good, huh? I am lost. I have no motivation to do anything. My poor family has thrown together meals. I think the strangest part in all of this is that people seriously think that we should be "normal" again. Really so soon? My child died!!!! Some seem to forget that.

Till we meet again Dylan.....I'm trying to wait ever so patiently................