Today

9 years ago right now, I was anxiously awaiting the arrival of Dylan. I had been told that Dylan would be around 15lbs and would have to have a c-section. I was SO nervous. This was my first baby and had no idea what to expect.

After waiting what seemed like days, they wheeled me into the operating room. Within minutes of being all hooked up and not being able to feel my lower extremities I heard the sweetest sound. Dylan had finally arrived. I remember seeing a huge smile on Kalen's face. He was a father and I a mother. Our sweet baby boy had arrived at 10lbs 6ozs and 22ins along. He was HUGE.

The next 12 hours seemed fine. Dylan took to nursing right away but had to also be given formula since he was so big. He had to have his glucose checked periodically throughout the day. I guess it's standard when a baby is so big.

Around 12 hours after birth, they took him to get his level checked. Next thing I know, Kalen and I began the craziest roller coaster ride ever. We were told that he had to stay in the NICU for observation. Dylan had started having seizures and they wanted to observe him.

I was discharged and Dylan had to stay. That was hard. In a perfect world/dream, that's what you do. You and your baby go home together. That wasn't the case for us. After spending a week in the NICU, Dylan finally got to come home. I was an anxious mess but at least we were all home together.

Fast forward to now....Dylan isn't here and my heart is aching. I miss him so much. The tears are flowing. I hate he isn't here. I miss his laugh, his smile, his sense of humor, but most of all him. He was the one who made me a mom. He was my first born. I learned so much from having to fight on his behalf...from dealing with wonderful and horrible doctors, to getting him services, to dealing with ignorant and stupid people, but most important just loving him.

Today is bittersweet for our family. We honor Dylan, with what would have been his 9th birthday today. I'm grateful for the almost 7 years I had to hold him, to care for him and have him physically here as a part of our family.

I know I will see him again and we will be reunited. I'm so grateful for that knowledge. It doesn't take the pain away though. Some assume it does, but it doesn't. I guess in some strange way it makes it bearable. But definitely no enjoyable.

We are sending balloons up later today. I hope he can see them.

We love you so much Dylan and are so glad you are part of our family!!

Happy Birthday Bubba!



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