Motherhood

When I was little I dreamed about being a mom. I wanted lots and lots of kids. I mean like 10 kids. I think that idea stemmed from having only 1 brother. We were so close growing up. Yes we had our fights, but we were buds. I missed him when he'd spend the night at a friends house or go on a scouting overnighter. I always wished I had someone else to play with when he was gone. I figured if I had lots of kids, no one would get lonely.

As I got older, the number dwindled from 10 to 8 to 6 to 4. We currently have 3. Could I handle one more? Can my heart love again? Those questions weigh heavily on my mind.

Motherhood is SO hard somedays and what seems like a piece if cake on other days. I am grateful I am able to be a mom. To be able to experience loving and caring for someone besides myself. I am SO grateful for my kids.

Dylan taught me so many things. I learned patience, the ability to dig deep within myself and fight for him because he couldn't, to love unconditionally, to appreciate the small things. I found so much joy in Dylan. He loved simple things. He LOVED wrapping tissue paper. Who would have thought such a simple thing could bring hours of laughter. I learned to appreciate the sun rise and that I would be able to take on whatever the day would bring. I learned that Dylan despite all of his challenges was happy. He knew he was loved. I learned that the dishes could wait and that just holding him when he was having a bad day to make all the difference in the world. I learned to be less judgemental of others based on what they looked like, how they dressed, how they talked. He taught me how to love like I had never loved before.

I remember after he was first born as I held him in my arms, that he was here. He was perfect. He was mine as a gift from a loving Heavenly Father who entrusted me into his care. When Dylan started having complications 12 hours or so after birth I remember my heart aching. How quickly I had fall in love with my sweet boy. I would have given my life for him.



Fast forward 16 months and I found out that I was pregnant. I was hoping for a girl. Brianna was an answer to my prayers. She was perfect in every way. I remember holding her after she was a few hours old and being overcome with emotion. She was here. She was mine. Another gift. I was adamant in my mind that she would not have a neurologist, an infant team of therapists (even though I have a deep love and affection for all those who have worked with Dylan....I didn't want to deal with it) or have to deal with the ALTA Regional Center in any way. I remember when she didn't pass the newborn hearing test at first. I was overcome by fear. I didn't want to deal with any more doctors or therapists. That was my journey with Dylan. Brianna's had to be different. It just had to be. They tested her the next day and she passed with flying colors. Brianna has taught me that there is so much good and kindness in the world. She came to our family with a calmness. She has taught me to think about how someone else might be feeling. She has taught me to laugh. Especially after Dylan died. She was the one here who forced me to get out of bed and to take my grief head on. She has taught me how to be kind. She taught me what it's like to have a "typical" child. She is such a sweet girl with an amazing spirit and personality. I always hear how sweet she is from others. her current teacher told her and I that "Brianna has an old soul". i believe it. I don't think it's anything Kalen or I did, its just her. She was always sweet and kind to Dylan. She loved helping with her big brother who needed lots of caring. I can see her as a nurse or a therapist when she's older. She LOVES helping people. My heart must have expanded after Brianna was born, because I once again, I loved like I had never loved someone after she was born.


Then comes Isabella. She came during the storm of our family's life. I thought she would be a calmness to us, but she has brought something much different. She has brought an energy our family has never before. I have learned A LOT from her. I've learned that although life is hard that it can be filled with goodness and sweetness at the same time. She has helped my heart to love again. After Dylan died I didn't think I'd ever be able to love another child if one came to our family. I didn't want to go through the heartache again if something were to happen to her. I have learned to love again. Not only her but our loving Heavenly Father. Through her I've learned to trust again. To cherish sunrises and to take on the day, whatever will come. I know I have lots to learn from her but the few things I have learned in her short 18 months are huge for me.


While there are PLENTY moments where I wish I could curl up and read a book (usually on parenting and family dynamics), go to the bathroom without an audience, take a nap, and not have piles and piles laundry to do, Im grateful that I have been given the opportunity to be a mom.

My kids have made me better. They have helped me grow. Im grateful for them and the lessons I've learned.

What are you grateful for???? Leave a comment here or on Facebook. Im curious!

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