Ugh!!!!!

Today has been one of those days where most everything is hard, annoying or seem to be just plain dumb.

Brianna has been super needy today. Brianna had tons of meltdowns. I just wanted to get in the car and drive somewhere. Anywhere would have worked. Part of me can't wait for school to start but then the other part is terrified. It is so draining entertaining her all day.

The highlights of my day were Kalen returning from being out of town and a long time friend coming for a visit. Of course Brianna needed to say something or needed something every 5 secs.

I know I sound like the worst mom right now. I have no energy. Grieving takes so much out of me. I have simple goals that I like to get done on a daily basis. I'm having a hard time just doing 1 thing out of like 3. It's so hard. I hate being this disorganized, confused, forgetful, emotional, frustrated, and a bunch of other emotions at any given time. This was not the me I knew almost 3 months ago. I really don't like this new me.

Dylan's death is becoming more final and I hate it. I hate not seeing him in his bed. I hate not holding him. I hate not making him laugh. I hate so many things about him not being here. I still think by some miracle he'll be in his room. I know that there is no logical thinking at all to this. Oh I wish he was here.

Life was so easy 3 months ago. Although it was difficult raising Dylan at times, it was also wonderful. Someone is missing from our family right now. Sometimes I truly feel like I am losing my mind. I also have moments where I feel like I can't breathe because I can't take anymore. It doesn't help that I'm normally crying when I feel that way.

I may seem put together but believe me when I say that I'm a mess.
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