Insanity

Well the last few weeks have been a blur. I remember crying A LOT. I actually do that everyday. I don't have postpartum depression. It's due to the lack of sleep, crazy hormones, and grieving. My longing to hold Dylan is intense right now. I miss him so much. I'm sure most will probably think I'm a little loony after this post but I have to get my feelings out.

Isabella is a sweet baby, but trying to figure her out is hard. I keep telling myself that if I could handle all that I did with Dylan, this little 8 pounder should be easy. But it's not. I'm finding myself wondering what the heck I'm doing most of the time. Isabella will fall asleep in her carseat on the way taking and getting Brianna from school. Other than that the past few days have SUCKED. I'm on the fence about nursing. I nursed Dylan and Brianna for 6 months. It wasn't too bad. This time around, I'm dreading it. I'm constantly going back and forth about nursing, pumping or giving her formula. Of course Kalen wants me to nurse because "it's best" and it's free. He of course isn't the one that has to do it. I'm hating it. There is the constant question in my mind, how much did she get, or did she get a full feeding. I know the indicator is the amount of diapers we change a day. Oh do I change plenty. This stage of having a baby is hard. Maybe if things were different, I would have more patience, but I don't. My son died, my 5 year old is craving attention from me, and my 5 week old is so very demanding. I know what I need and wish that Isabella would do those things. I'm not enjoying this very much. I can deal with lack of sleep but a crying baby is so frustrating right now. So there are many times we just all cry together, me because I don't know what Isabella wants and know Brianna wants attention from me, Brianna because her brother died and wants her mom's arms free and Isabella.....who knows!