That horrible feeling of not being able to breathe is back. I can't stop crying. As I lay here trying to fall asleep my mind is racing. I'm trying ever so desperately to remember what life was like 6 months ago. It's so foreign to me. What I would give to just see Dylan and hold him, sing to him, touch him, feel the warmth of his hands. That "cold" feeling is one the worst things I've ever had to experience. It seems so unfair that he was here one minute and gone the next. The pain that I feel is unbearable at times. The giant, gapping whole in my heart has seemed to reopen. While I know it will never fully heal, times like right now are extremely difficult. My heart is breaking all over again. I keep thinking was there more that we could have done? Why didn't I rock him when I got up with him that morning when he seemed fine? Why did he have to go? Being that it "was his time" doesn't make it any less difficult. Oh the questions I have. I know that one day I will find the answers my heart desires, but it's so difficult waiting.
I watched a few videos of him laughing today on my phone. I miss it. The world is a lot less brighter to me without Dylan here with his laugh and smile. I want Dylan to be remembered. It's so hard. People who meet us now have no idea of the awesome kid that once was here as a part of out family. They don't know that my heart is aching. I so desperately want people to know. Will you remember him? Please do. He is such a great kid.
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I will remember him, his laugh & his smile! And today I give thanks for him and for you & your family. Happy Thanksgiving!
ReplyDeleteseeing his picture made me smile! he is a hard one to forget--and i'm sure there are many others like me that think of him often. he is remembered!
ReplyDeletei hope that your thanksgiving can be a joyful one, francesca!
I never got the pleasure of meeting Dylan, but will remember his beautiful smile that I have seen in pictures.
ReplyDeleteThis next line I stole from your post about grieving through the holidays, but I think that it is ever so important: Simplify and know that it is okay to have fun even though you are grieving this important person!
If my heart had arms it would be reaching out to your heart and hugging it tight today! Love you!
I remember him all the time. i remember when I came to your house that night he laughed and laughed at the sound of my voice. I remember thinking 'I'm either being way too dramatic in my stories again or I just sound ridiculously funny when I speak. ' eventually i decided he just understood my sense of humor. I am sorry that it hurts. i am sorry i don't have anything that can help you feel better. i love you to pieces though and i have stayed back knowing that seeing my two little boys might be more painful than a hot poker in the eye.
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