It's coming.....

The intense feeling of not being able to breathe seems to be looming. The tears flow more frequently. It's affecting all of us here. Today at school it happened to Brianna. I got an email from her teacher telling me of an incident that happened today. Her teacher started off by saying that she's never done what she did before today. They were in line getting ready to walk out of class and she heard 2 boys talking about someone crying. She quietly asked the boys who was crying and they said Brianna. So she walked down to her and asked what the matter was. With tears in her eyes she said, "I miss my brother". The 2 boys and her teacher gave her hugs and she smile and said that she was going to be okay. I'm grateful for those 2 boys in Brianna's class and her wonderful teacher. I'm sure sending Brianna the past 3 months of being in school would have been much harder if it wasn't for her wonderful teacher and great kids in her class.

A few nights ago, Kalen surprised me by asking me to please help him pick out some clothes of Dylan's that I wouldn't mind being cut up. He has asked my dear friend Kathy to make me a quilt with some of Dylan's clothes. Tears flowed heavily as I took each piece of his clothing out of his drawers and held them tight. It just seems like he'll be back and that he needs his clothes. My mind quickly raced back to each time he wore those clothes. By the time I made my way to the bin of his baby clothes I was sobbing while leaning over the side of his bed. I miss him more than words can express.

Brianna keeps asking when he's coming back. I think she's realizing that he's not coming back like he's on a trip of some sort. She still desperately pleads in her prayers to let Dylan come back safely and to give him a hug and a kiss and let him know how much we love and miss him. It breaks my heart every time.

My heart breaks as I sit in his room. Knowing that I can't keep it that way forever. Although my heart wants to, my mind says another. There is a constant struggle. The tears flow as I type this. I miss my boy. I miss hearing his laugh. we have 2 recordable ornaments on our tree. One has a picture of Dylan and the other one is a family picture. I recorded both of his laughs. Those that knew him, you know the one that was his whole body laugh and the other was the excited laugh. Can you hear it??? If you want a reminder just come listen to our ornaments:)

I can't believe that Christmas is a little over a week away. It will be so strange that morning. I can already feel it. It won't be the same not hearing him laugh as we open presents because of the tissue and wrapping paper. His stocking is still empty and it sucks.

My mind is all over the place today so trying to do this post is hard. I'm worried if Brianna's teacher liked her gifts, if the office staff enjoyed their toffee, how the heck am I going to make it through the "holidays", if I'm going to be needing an infant program and a "team" for this baby, if Isabella is really going to be the baby's name, if having the girls share a room is a selfish move on our part and if Brianna's holiday pajama party at school is going to turn out okay.

Before I forget, I want to thank all of you blog followers, whether we know each other well or not, for taking the time to read and comment on my posts. I know there are many out there that don't comment, but I want to thank you for taking the time to read about our family and what we are going through. There are a few of you that I still don't know who you are when you leave comments. Just so you know I appreciate your kind words:)

Till next time...........................