Dreams

I just had one if those awful dreams of not being able to find Dylan. I know parents have bad dreams about stuff happening to their kids. It must happen a lot because I'm constantly told I'm living a parent's worst nightmare. FYI - not the best thing to say to a parent whose child died.

I lay here crying. The minute I woke up my body instantly wanted to run into his room and check to make sure he was ok, but my mind and heart told a different story.

I miss my Dylan. I miss him more than words can describe. A lot of people keep saying to me that it must be especially hard right now because Christmas is coming. It is. It's not so much Christmas coming for me but time. I can't believe that 7 months ago I could have run into his room and would see him there. Where has the time gone? It's still a blur. It should be May in my world, not December.

I only way that I can try to explain how I'm feeling is that it is like a roller coaster ride. This one isn't enjoyable. I didn't wait in line for this one. I was just thrown on it without seeing the ride before hand. Right now I'm approaching the highest point of the ride, right where it's about to drop. Normally (before Dylan died) on a roller coaster I would be excited for the drop as I threw my hands in the air. Now I'm begging for the ride to stop and to go back up. I'm not ready for this drop. The weight of grief is heavy right now. Can he really be gone?? My heart wishes it wasn't true and that I could wake up from this nightmare.

I know I've said this a million times before but having your child die isn't something you "get over". It is with me everyday of my life now and will be till the day I die. I'm just trying to survive and make sense of how to function without my son in the next room, sleeping soundly in his bed.

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