Life as I know it

I seriously am wondering where the past month as gone. It seems like a blur. It's due to my lack of sleep and the exhaustion that comes with a new baby. It's A LOT of work caring for a baby. There have been many days that I have been lucky to get a shower. On top of everything that comes with a new baby, my thyroid is out of whack. It's amazing how one little small part of my body can affect EVERYTHING. From weight loss or lack there of, insomnia, exhaustion, joint pain, sensitivity to cold, to a long list of other things that cause me problems. My doctor is now going to test me to see if I have Hashimoto's. Jeez I can't win. At least that's how I feel sometimes.

I've been thinking lately that this is the last time I will personally experience a brand new baby. Sophia is our last child. I had read an article that a friend had posted on Facebook about "The Ache". Take time to read the article. I was in tears. It makes me a little sad watching my children grow up. I'm already having to pull out the newborn clothes from Sophia's drawers. As much as I want to see my children grow, it is bittersweet. Wasn't it just yesterday that Brianna was my baby. This year she will be turning 9. To think that in 9 more years she will be 18 and considered her own guardian. Crazy right. Isabella will be 3 and she was just my baby. I feel like grief stole a lot of her "babyhood" from me as much as I tried not to let it. It is a blur. So while I might not be getting sleep, spit up on, constantly changing diapers and loving on my baby, I am choosing to savor every moment.

I'm not sure why I am having such a hard time with the fact we are done having kids. Maybe it's because even if I wanted more I can't have one. Not everyone knows but my uterus was starting to rupture with Sophia and have been told no more babies. While I've always wanted to have 4 kids, being told that I can't have any more because my body won't hold up is kinda hard. We were done but it's still hard.

I'm currently listening to the musical aquarium playing that Dylan so loved hoping that it will help Sophia go to sleep. It's bittersweet. He LOVED music. I can tell that it is comforting to Sophia. I remember after Isabella was born it was VERY hard to listen to the music play on the aquarium. In some small way it's like he's here. A part of Dylan who Sophia & Isabella will never know in this lifetime is still a huge part of our lives.

Well it's off for bedtime for me. I'm hoping that I can get a good stretch tonight.

Oh and before I forget, Isabella has been potty training. She decided she wanted to do it. Stickers weren't working but lollipops have done the trick. So if she had a slogan, it would be "I poop for lollipops". Kind of funny right??? :)