Really!?!?! That butterfly shaped organ is important.

I once again have not been blogging. As usual the thoughts are running through my head but I haven't had more than just a few minutes (maybe seconds) to myself lately.

Just when I think nothing else could happen, my health is now at the forefront of my life. I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism 10 years ago last month. "Take a little blue pill they said and you'll feel better". Over the years my dose has changed and the pills are now purple. I still don't feel good.

I've often suspected that somehow my thyroid went wacky while pregnant with Dylan and because of that it contributed to his disabilities. There are so many studies linked to a mother's thyroid function while pregnant and her baby's brain development. I still to this day wish I had known about the small butterfly shaped organ that runs "the show" for my body. The thyroid is so important and when it doesn't function right it's horrible.
I don't expect everyone to understand how life with hypothyroidism is. It has been extremely hard to lose the weight I gained with Dylan (and I gained A LOT). I can tell when my medicine needs to be adjusted because I become very sluggish, have horrible headaches, have excessively dry skin, weight gain or extreme difficult losing weight no matter how many or little calories I eat, insomnia and an overall feeling of YUCK!

So rewind to the past January. I wasn't feeling "right". I haven't felt normal in my skin for who knows how long, but I did know something wasn't right. I asked my doctor to run the usual thyroid test and see what was going on. I was being over medicated. I would have thought I would have lost more weight but ironically when you have too much thyroid medicine in your system it mimics when I don't have enough to regulate my thyroid. Who knew??? Anyhow they adjusted my meds and told me to wait 6 weeks but this time since I was feeling so bad I would also be tested for Hashimotos. Hashi what?!?!? My doctor order tpo bloodwork to be done as well as the standard thyroid test. Sure enough mine came back positive for Hashimotos. It finally explained why I was the feeling the way I have been.....like crud! I have had a headache non stop, severe joint pain, extreme sensitivity to cold, exhaustion, mood swings, really bad dry skin, the list could go on. So for the past week I've learned that I have an auto immune disease in addition to an almost non functioning thyroid. I have been in an extreme amount of pain. I now have to work with my doctor and an endocrinologist to figure out how to make me feel "normal". Right now I don't even think it's possible. I met with my doctor today and she suspects I also have fybromaliga. One more thing to deal with.
Right now I'm in the "anger" phase of grief of not having a "normal functioning body". Yes, I am grieving my health. I am angry. I've been told by a few people I should pray. While I have a strong testimony in the power of prayer, I am mad at God right now. Don't judge me. I'm not sharing my "news" as a tell me what you think I should do. Fight the urge to tell me to seek His guidance or pray. Right now I'm angry. Angry I hurt. Angry that my body doesn't function normally. Angry that it's going to make it that much harder to lose the weight I've gained. Angry that I've been given one more thing to grieve about. Between Dylan's death and now my health, there are many days I want to throw in the towel and just be done BUT I'm walking by faith that I will be made whole one day. So in the meantime just keep me in your prayers that I can navigate through all the new trials that have come with my new medical problems.

Just like my grief with Dylan, anger is a tough one to deal with. Right now, when I can think straight, I think "why me" or "what did I do to be challenged so much"?

This will take time so please be patient with me. And if anything just be a listening ear and don't tell me what you think I SHOULD do.

I will get past the anger phase. Promise!!




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